We just had our second child and the baby and I are doing fine but my husband and I aren't seeing eye-to-eye on a certain isse about our 3 yr old daughter ES. When we were planning for the birth (planned repeat c-section) I planned on ES sleeping the night before the birth at our cousins house because they have a son a few weeks older than ES, they get along good, and it worked out that his mama could take ES to daycare the next day since we had to be at the hospital at 5:45 a.m. The second night it was planned that another friend, who has two girls slightly older (5 & 8) and who ES has played with a lot, would let ES sleep at her house and would take her to daycare the following day.
My MIL and SIL came into town the day of the birth and are staying at our home until we come home in two days. My husband and I had talked about these plans and I thought we were on the same page, but now I find out that he was thinking ES would spend the second night at home with his mother and sister. I am concerned that ES will wake up and freak out because her mommy and daddy aren't at home. That is why I planned on her sleeping at the homes of friends while we were in the hospital with the new one. ES has recently been waking up just about every night between midnight and 2 a.m., sometimes complaining about monsters or alligators or the light on the smoke detector, and typically my husband lays back down with her to get her back to sleep. NowI I'm fairly certain that his mother's feelings are hurt because she wants ES to spend the night at home and doesn't understand why I decided to have her spend the night elsewhere.
Am I write or wrong? I truly want the best for our daughter and don't want her to be traumatized, especially when there is all the other stuff going on with her new baby brother and mommy being in the hospital. Why can't my MIL understand that? I don't want to hurt anyone feelings, but what about mine?
I was unaware that my husband posted this for everyone's advice. My MIL and SIL do not live in the same state we do and only come to visit about 2-3 times a year. My friend that has two girls that my child has stayed with before and looks for to playing with them every weekend offered for her to stay there. She was very comfortable there and was aware before my c-section was scheduled that she was going to stay with them, it was a slubber party for the 3 of them sleeping on the matteras in the living room together. She does very well at my friend's house when I am not around. However the sleeping at home has not improved if anything has gotten worst and we have a doctors appt for her 3 year old check which I play to speak with our doctor about her continuly getting up in the night needing one of her parents to come lay with her in the nighttime. As a mother I already had plans for my daughter and lying in the hospital was not the time or place to try and change what was already in place. She was suppose to come to the hospital and come home with us but instead my MIL and SIL did there own plans and my daughter wasnt even home when we arrived home with him. She had little time with him at the hospital due to all the vistors.
I say wrong she is too young to remeber being traumatized by staying with grandma instead of friend. and grandmas need special time too. maybe grandma can make the monsters and alligators go away. :)
I would just let her stay at home with the mil and sil. Expecially since they live out of town and probably dont get to visit as much with her. I would let them have all the time with her as they can. Also i dont think she will be traumatized by staying there since she will be at her own home and her own bed.
MIL is her grandmother!! I would feel very comfortable leaving my children in their own home with their grandma!
I have to wonder if there is some other reason? ES would be in her OWN home and more comfortable than being in someone else;s home, right? If she is in a friend's house she could be more prone to waking up at night, and these people have young kids as well. They will probably be more tired, I would! If she is at her own house, with grandma and auntie then one of those adults could lay down with her until she gets back to sleep.
I guess I don't really understand the problem, but maybe something was left out??
L.
rather than consider your or MIL's feelings, how about the kid? why would she freak out less in a strange home than her own?
i would definitely prefer to have my child at home in her own bed with an adoring grammy and auntie in attendance.
khairete
S.
You're wrong. It will be good for her to spend time with her family, and make things easier on you guys not having to shuffle things around so much. Take care and enjoy the new baby :)
With your rationalization, she would freak out if she woke up at a friend's home and mommy and daddy weren't there either. Focus on her excitement of having a new sibling, and less on where she will sleep.
If you are lucky enough to have a MIL and SIL that have come into town to help out then I don't understand why you'd go out of your way to keep your daughter away from them. Waking up in the middle of the night in someone else's home instead of her own seems a lot scarier. Grandma's loving reassurances will probably make her feel a lot better. No wonder the poor lady's offended.
Unless there's some reason you don't want your daughter to stay with your MIL and SIL, then what's the harm? 3 is old enough to understand that mommy and daddy will be away for a couple of nights, but grandma will be home to take care of her. Besides, our kids always behave better for other people :)
I can totally see where you are coming from, you absolutely want to do what is best for your daughter. That said, I'd let her stay home with MIL. My mom came to town when I had my second (and third) babies, and I was COMPLETELY nervous and concerned about it. I left her giant notes with a thousand details with every quirk and thing that could happen. Of course, it was all fine. She put him to bed, he slept all night, woke up totally happy. I swear it was the first time in his life that had happened! (he was 20 months at the time).
You never know, she might freak out at the friends house. Has she stayed there before?
From your MIL perspective, I can see why it doesn't make sense. With so much going on, wouldn't it be easier to have her at home in her own bed?
You have a new baby, you just gave birth, relax. Let Grandma have a night with the older child. It might be good for her to get that attention from MIL and SIL before new baby comes home.
Congratulations on your new baby!
J.
I have to say -I see your husband's point here. Especially if his mother and sister don't live near you and are visiting, it would seem natural for them to keep your older daughter while they're there. From their standpoint, it would hurt my feelings if I was a grandma who came to visit and my grandchild wasn't allowed to stay with me. Your daughter will be fine! She's probably far less likely to freak out or have bad dreams if she's in her own bed.
Relax mama. Your daughter will be fine either way. Your mama bear senses are in overdrive because of your pregnancy. You want things to be just right. In my world just right means whatever works at the time. I'd be glad her grandma and aunt were there to carry on at home. It's much easier on everyone to keep up a routine and not have to move from home to home.
You had a plan but new info makes changing the plan a possibility. It's emotionally difficult to make changes when you're facing a c-section and new baby. Your husband is probably more able to sit back and look at the whole picture than you are at this point. You need to feel that everything is taken care of and switching to a different plan puts your mind into overdrive, having to reconsider things. I suggest that you let go and let your husband take over. Focus on bringing that baby into the world. Let your husband take care of everything else. He's her father. He cares about what is best for her too. Trust him.
This is certainly not something important enough to disrupt your sense of security. Where ever your daughter stays she will be OK. This is not going to be a traumatic event for her unless people make it traumatic by adding negative energy to it by arguing and fighting about it.
Idea based on my own experience as a child. My mother was often ill and sometimes I went to stay with someone that I knew and who was warm and sometimes I was able to stay at home with an aunt that I didn't know well and who was emotionally distant. I felt much more secure being at home.
I doubt very much your daughter will be traumatized by you not being home for a night or two. As long as she's with people she knows, she should be just fine.
I left my 3 year old overnight, convinced he would freak out that mommy wasn't around. I even left my event early to race home. Imagine my complete and utter surprise to walk through the front door and discover he didn't even realize I had been gone because he was having so much fun with his babysitter! It was a very humbling and enlightening experience.
If anything, being at home where life is very familiar, would be easier than being away from home. Food for thought...
Good luck!
If she knows grandma and auntie, then I would let her stay home with them. The reason being is, if your daughter is waking up, she will probably wake up at someone else's house too. I would want her home in her own room & bed, comfortable with her surroundings because there will be a lot of commotion going on. Why shuffle her even more to another house, when she can just stay home. I understand you already made the plans and all, but it's pretty easy to change.
I honestly think they are offering you help, just think about it.
If it were me, I would be less worried if family were taking care of my kid. I think your husband is right. ES will be fine sleeping at home when you're not there.
I would apologize to MIL and SIL and change the plans so they can watch ES while you're in the hospital.
good luck!
I agree with everyone else... let her stay at her home. It is where she would most likely feel more comfortable and she is with her family, who obviously want to be there for her. I must say, I find it strange that you think she would be better off at other peoples homes instead of her own home/own bed, familiar surroundings, etc. Her family will help her get through the night if she wakes up... but traumatized? I'm sure she will be fine. I would have a hard time understanding your reasoning if I were your MIL as well.
J., I haven't read any other responses yet. I don't know that I would say you are 'wrong', but if I were in your shoes, I would opt for ES staying at home with MIL/SIL. If I were the MIL or the SIL in this scenario, I would DEFINITELY be upset about it. (Actually, I was there for my SIL's birth just to be helpful with her eldest and had I known she'd made other plans knowing I was going to be at her home, I would have been crushed).
Just something else to think about...you may be forcing your hubby to choose sides. If MIL is upset about this, I'll bet she has gone to him (rather than you), pleding her case. I have to say, J., her's sounds more reasonable to me and he may see it that way also. This is a stressful time for him, too, and he doesn't need to play peace-keeper.
I really don't understand your concerns about being traumatized. You know your daughter much better than any of us, but perhaps you are not giving her enough credit. She'll be safe and if she gets upset, who better to be there than grandmother.
Best wishes to you!!!
I totally understand where you're coming from and I'd feel the exact same as you. I'd be upset too and with preparing for a C-Section and having a baby comes more uncertainty. Having something set up for your daughter and planning on being away from her makes it worse. I was in your shoes many times. I just had my fifth baby and 4th planned C-Section. I felt the exact same way with all my children. If you have everything worked out and your husband wants to change things, share with him your thoughts, then let him go ahead and figure it out himself. =) He may just go ahead with your plans if you share your feelings and if you already have everything worked out. BUT if he wants to change things, have him get everything ready. No need for you to have to stress yourself out to redo plans and prepare your daughter when you have a lot on your plate as it is. Your daughter will be okay and so will your MIL. Even if her feelings are hurt, she'll get over it, especially after she sees your beautiful new baby. Congratulations on your new little one and best wishes!!
I don't think your daughter will be traumatized if she spends the night at home with her Grandma and Aunt. When I went to the hospital to have my second- I was worried sick about my 14 month old son- I had never been away from him for more than a couple of hours- how would he handle it? After a day and a half of labor, his little sister was born- but it was late at night so he couldn't come until the next day to see me and her. I was really worried about him since it had been 2 day since I had seen him. He came in the room with his Grandpa who had been taking care of him for us(at our house) gave me a sticky kiss and then wandered around the room checking out all the medical equipment! After about 5 mins. he was ready to go- without me! Truthfully, I was a little hurt that he had adjusted so well. Kids take things in stride- I think she will be fine spending time with her Grandma. It will be fun for her and also let her be in a familiar setting(at home) instead of at a friends house.
~C.
ES should be with family when possible. I understand your concern but I also know my MIL and SIL would feel so hurt if they weren't able to help if they came to town to do so. Embrace the help!!!
At the end of the day you have to be comfortable with the decision that is made. You cannot be worrying about these things while in labor and stressing out. Your peace of mind is paramount when giving birth. Some things to consider in making your decision:
It's healthy for your child to learn to be able to trust and take comfort from another safe relative like a grandparent and chances are she'd be fine if she knows your MIL and SIL very well. I had to learn to let my MIL comfort my child on evenings she is playing over at my MIL's house and it worked out beautifully.
If she doesn't know them comfortably because they normally live far away then I can see why you want to stick to plan A.
Another thing to consider is that if she's been waking up scared, who's to say that will magically NOT happen at a friend's house? And if it does, would it be less scary to be away from home or in the familiar surroundings of home?
Also, it sounds like you have an awful lot of coordinating to deal with in all of this. Could having the freedom of not worrying about 2nd night details take some load off and make things more calm for you? Just a thought...
You have more info than I, obviously and will make the right decision for your child. I understand your protectiveness, especially being pregnant, those feelings are heightened right now and you need hubby's support either way. You really can't worry about hurt feelings at the end of the day, you have to do what YOU think is right. Unfortunately, your husband has to be on board with it. Hope these questions help you find your answer!
Blessings
Isn't part of the reason your MIL and SIL are coming is to help out with your other child? They want to spend time with her, and make her feel loved and excited for her new sibling about to be born. I think her being with family during this time is important. When your MIL and SIL are gone, that would a good time for her to spend time with friends. I am sure they would love to help then as well.
Not taking sides here either but if it were me and it was me at one time, I'd want my daughter (she was 2.5 when her baby brother was born) to stay at our house where she is familiar with the surroundings. This is what I'd do providing I was comfortable with who was staying at the house. In my case it was a good friend of mine. If you trust your mil and sil then, I'd let them do it - but if there is something else going on then - well - you are the Mom and you need to feel at ease while having baby #2.
With a new baby coming, ES should stay on her normal routine as possible. If someone is coming to stay at your home then she should be allowed to sleep in her own bed. You MIL has raised children and will know what to do if ES wakes up worried about aligators, etc...
I don't understand why she wouldn't be more comfortable at home...if that's where daddy is then that's where I would want her to be.
If he needs a break he can take it during the day while she's at child care. She should still stay on the same schedule. When she gets home from the center she can come spend time with her new sibling and then go home with daddy to eat dinner and have her night time ritual.
I think you have plenty going on now, and shouldn't be concerned about this. Know matter where your daughter sleeps, isn't it possible for her to wake up and want you guys wherever she is? Just leave it be, she's in good hands no matter where she is. You'll have plenty to worry about when you get home.
You and your husband know your daughter best so you two need to make the decision together. Your MIL should understand whatever you decide, it is what you think is best for your daughter. It is hard to give advice either way here because we don't know your daughter, your MIL, and their relationship, etc. (Is there some other issue with your MIL?)
I actually don't see why your feelings are hurt (not trying to be offensive - I think I just didn't get why from what you wrote).
Do what you think is best! Good luck!
Cyndi
.
I can see it both ways. You made plans before she came and want to stick w/ it. On the other hand, your daughter could stay w/ her grandmother in her own home. Either should be fine. You and hubby need to be on same page though.
if she knows that she is stay with the grandmother she won't wake up scared because she isn't with you. it might be fun to stay with grandma. they can make welcome home things for her new baby brother and mom. good luck and god bless. focus on your new baby while you have one on one time. R., mom of 7
