Child Is Rude and Non Caring

She likely needs you to model the 'desired' behaviors for her. Telling her what not to do is not the same as helping her to learn the skills she needs for interacting. When you see her behave rudely, try talking it through - eg - I saw you told Susan that you don't like her, what happened? (her - Susie (did whatever). You, oh so you don't want Susie to (do whatever). What else could you say to her other than 'I don't like you?" (you might get either a blank stare or actual ideas). You - ok, so let's try it -'Susie, I didn't like when you did X, please don't do that. Now, let's play y'.

When you say she does not feel compassion, does she feel sad for animals, give you hugs if she thinks you are sad? If so she likely does have normal empathy. If you truly think she does not feel empathy at this age, you likely need to seek professional help. There is some evidence that empathy can be learned.

My answer is along the lines of Katy's. Our son has ADHD and before he was on medication, his social skills were abysmal. Basically, if he thought it, he said it (no impulse control). He had one friend. We went through a lot of extremely embarrassing situations with him. Honestly, for a while we thought we could have a future school shooter on our hands because he just didn't seem to be compassionate.

We were really wrong. Our son has such a good heart but truly couldn't control his behavior. Once he was treated for his condition, it was a total turnaround. He still has some struggles socially (mostly with adults; will clam up and not respond if they talk to him, but it's more of an anxiety problem than anti-social because eventually he warms up and talks). For the most part, though, his social and other issues are not there when the medication is active.

You might begin by talking to her pediatrician and ask for a referral to a specialist who might evaluate her for possible conditions that may be causing this.

Best of luck!
P.S. Do not listen to anyone telling you not to seek medical help or that ADHD is "overdiagnosed." They are not experts, just basing their misconceptions on myths, not realities. There is no rush to diagnose ADHD (took two years of medical help before our son's diagnosis) and it isn't an "easy" anything.

as silly as this sounds, there are social skills playgroups out there - they are usually fun - and kids learn how to appropriately interact with others. a pediatrician or behavioral pediatrician should be able to set you up - and a lot of times insurance pays.
good luck.

I agree with the social skills playgroups. Have you noticed any other accompanying issues. ADD/ADHD children will usually have symptoms like this. The inability to gauge their social interactions or perceiving others actions toward them with more intensity than they should. You seem to have been teaching her proper ettiquete, so I would consider at least checking into this as a possibility. Unsocialized, disconnected children will usually have a treatable condition. Although there is no "cure" for ADD/ADHD, there are bridges that can help span the social gap. These might include social skills classes, medications, lifeskills technique training...etc. Just an idea....good luck to you. I know the pain of watching your child struggle through this very well.

Hi L. R. There is a great website that has great advice for how to build empathy and compassion among children. Dr. Laura Markham at www.ahaparenting.com

HTH. Jilly

Have you considered speaking with your pediatrician. She could have Asperger's syndrome - a developmental disorder that affects a child's ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others. There's our two kids at our church that have it. One is a teen and seems normal, but definitely a little socially awkward - I wasn't surprised to hear he had it. One is 8 and seems VERY normal just acts up a lot, especially in group settings. Her problem is that she can't pick up on social cues that other kids pick up on, so she doesn't always know what's appropriate behavior and what's not. I was surprised to hear she had it, but it does make sense. She is getting social therapy and it seems to be helping. Both are extremely bright!
Just a thought.

First of all, skip the ADD/ADHD "diagnosis"...go to that as a very last resort. It is wayyyy misdiagnosed in this country for kids who are outside of the realm of "normal" (ie, "perfect angels".) The difference in the number of kids with ADD/ADHD who actually have it, and those that were rushed into a quick diagnosis is staggering. Parents who rush out to the doctor with their kid pre-labelled "ADD" are looking for a quick fix, and in turn, have no problem telling their actually normal children that they have a metal disorder. So much for little Susie's self esteem, eh? (BTW, I am not picking on you, and i apologize for coming across harshly...but I do have ADD even as an adult and it floors me how many people are so quick to jump to that conclusion. A real diagnosis of ADD is hard to come by...it's actually a final answer when al other potential causes are ruled out...and the almost purely American epidemic of ADD/ADHD diagnosis comes from lazy doctors and parents desperate for answers.)

ADD/ADHD has nothing to do with empathy. You said she will be good for a little while, and then the old behavior is back. So, obviously, it *is* controllable, even for a short while. Does she show signs of sadness for hurt animals, or when mommy is upset? does she play with dolls, hold them, cuddle them, dress them, brush their hair, etc? Does she have a teddy bear she holds at night? Does she give hugs and kisses at night before bed? Any yes answers to these show she DOES have empathy and does feel compassion.

She is probably just a little slow on her social skills, which is still within the realm of normal and does not call for counseling or therapy. More than likely, if anything, she is a part of a vicious cycle where, perhaps she had a bad day and lashed out or said something mean, kids started calling her names, which made her feel worse and lash out. Perhaps she tried being nice once sometime ago and who she was nice to was mean to her and she internalized it. If she has heard you and your husband or anyone else says she is a rude, mean child, she is simply living up to a definition and label that has been put on her. Or, she is getting attention from her misbehavior...she gets talks and lectures and even if it is negative, people are still talking about her.

What to do? Keep on keeping on. Keep showing her how she needs to behave with others, and when she crosses a line, let there be consequences...either one you set (eg, time-out) or natural ones (if you are ugly in behavior to me, we don't play anymore.) And focus on catching her being good. If she so much as says thank you, reward her! When she is ugly, (at home) ignore it....have your communication with her follow the 80/20 rule...80% + positive, 20%- negative...It will seem silly at first and counterintuitive to ignore her insults and rudeness (it may even get worse at first), but she should grasp the concept of "If I am ugly, I get nothing...If I am sweet/friendly/positive, I get rewarded" soon enough.

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Teach her the appropriate words or expressions to say when these situations present itself. Some adults are like that and just don't know how to communicate their feelings in a "warm fuzzy" way. If she has a good heart, it might just be she does not know how to express herself emotionally.

I am just asking - do you and your husband have a good marriage? Do you and your husband fight in front of your daughter? Are you or your husband mean to each other in front of your daughter? If the answer is no to all of these questions, then have her school's guidance counselor speak with her - once, twice, or several times - as long as it takes. If that doesn't work after many times, take her to an outside therapist. Also, perhaps art therapy would help. Final suggestion - take away her favorite toys/video games/whatever it is that she loves - take it away! Good luck!

I agree with Rosa below, almost all the kids I know are just like their parents. Not that you're rude or anything, and you may be the exact opposite, but try smiling a lot and being super sweet to everyone and it just may rub off on her. Be upbeat and not cranky (I know that's hard sometimes) and say nice things to strangers, and see what happens.

She may not be naturally empathetic &/or a little impulsive. Perhaps she just needs some extra help with with social interactions. I agree with the other mothers who suggested the social playgroups.

If you have other children, practice play time with them, too.

Keep working on it with her! She'll improve!

Hi, i'm sorry about that, I know how hard it is to hear stuff like that about our kids. But i'm not judging you and I really hope you don't take it the wrong way but kids are reflection of their parents. Maybe there is something truly serious with her that is making her that way. But kids get many many things from their parents. When she does do good things keep telling her how proud of her you are and keep reinforcing the positive behavior and then she will little by little let go of those bad behaviors. Do treat your daughter like another person not like a kid, meaning just like you would want someone to tell you please or thank you you do the same, being a parent does not make you superior, you have to reciprocate good manners.