Child Depressed over Food Intolerance

I know if I were ever found to be lactose intolerant I would deal with the headaches, bloating and all the fun stuff that comes with it every once in a while when I needed my fix. I love!!!! cheese, I could not live without cheese. I also have a few friends that can't eat cheese and they get their fix.

She knows what will happen, she is the one who suffers if she eats the forbidden fruit (sorry couldn't resist). Let it be her choice. If an orange is worth a migraine to her then let her have a migraine. 10 is old enough to get cause and effect. By letting it be her choice it will cut down with the whining. Oh you want an orange, go ahead. She won't do it very often but she probably will when she needs a fix.

My daughter is 16 & is allergic to wheat and vanilla. Its been this way for a long time, but she still gets upset & whiny about it & untill the wheat started giving her hives,she still would eat it when not at home. Apparently the severe abdominal pain & diahrrea weren't enough of a deterrent, lol.

I hope it gets easier as she gets older. Good luck!

I have a friend whose daughter has celiac disease where she can't eat wheat. The child knows what happens if she does. So -- I'd put the ball in your SD's court and tell her -- "You know what happens if you have this, but the choice is yours. If you want to be miserable, drink the lemonade, but don't expect me to feel bad for you or do much more than give you an advil."
She needs to take responsibility for her actions and this is really her responsibility. I'd put the OJ back in my fridge for my husband. The choice is hers.
If she decides to have XYZ, then she'll have to suffer the consequences.
As for her being selfish and spoiled about things -- you don't have to give in and purchase her anything. If the others think they're doing her a favor by giving in, that's their problem. Just don't allow it to happen with you or your husband.
LBC

As much as I really hate to say it, I agree with the idea of letting her learn the harder way, if need be, and trying not to be the gatekeeper too much.

When she complains about what she can't have, you can ask "I know, honey, and what would you like instead?"

I have many food sensitivities and had to learn the hard way, in my twenties, that I cannot have most forms of cows milk. It took having a very bad episode while on a date to convince me that I couldn't just indulge, even every once in a while. This was a good experience in the long run; as I've gotten older, my diet has become frighteningly limited, which makes eating at restaurants, or even following a recipe, hard. What's helped is to find new favorites, to learn how to cook with substitutions, to stay disciplined, to find restaurants which will happily omit certain foods, and to understand that this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. And still, at a mature 41, some days I do feel deprived and "why me". Not often, but it does happen.

At ten, I'd be mourning hugely too. One thing that might help is to talk to her about it when she isn't upset, and to ask her to come up with a list of things which might help her 'feel better faster' when she's sad and disappointed that she can't have her desired foods. If she makes it herself, she might start to self-refer to it. Have her make a list of other foods she loves and have the healthy ones on hand when she's needing a beloved substitute. You sound like you are really trying to keep clear limits and help her out. She may have to miss out on some fun things because of migraines before she understands how important it is not to eat those trigger foods. Good luck!

I want to second what Jo W. says, but I would add that she isn't allowed to miss school or extra curricular activities because she decided to get her "fix" the day before a big test. Hope that makes sense!

My son is allergic to citrus, melons, grapes, bananas, carrots, celery, berries. He can have apples. It sucks. His throat and mouth itches and because his blood worked showed such a high reaction he has to carry epi pens in case the day should ever come where he accidentally has some and it causes his throat to swell. He is 16 now so he is really clear on what he can and cannot have. Your daughter will adjust just as a kid with diabetes does. So sorry she and you have to deal with it. No fun. What would I do? Sounds like you are doing it, and it sounds like you at least have options. Ask her, is it worth the pain you will feel later? At least it gives her the feeling like she has control and is making the choice.

I'm with Jo W. Let her eat the citrus and face the consequences.

Here's the twist. Restrict it to when she doesn't have school or required extra-curriculars (let her have orange juice on a Friday night or Saturday). And don't coddle her. And make sure she's finished any homework, so she can't use a migraine as an excuse.

Eventually, I would bet that having oj will become less important to her.

When I was younger I had food intolerances and got migraines from it too.
Mine was from certain meats. I was not allergic to it, but it was an intolerance.
I knew what I could or could not eat or what triggered it. My parents didn't even know until I told them.
But so, they never forbade me from those foods, but I knew and they knew that if I ate it I would get migraines and not feel well.
I discerned it myself, if I ate it or not. And I knew fully what would happen if I ate it. I was younger than your daughter.
But I never got "sad" about it.
My parents let me decide.

Maybe your daughter is yes, getting sad about it because she feels she can't have it. Sure. Its hard.
But she is 10 and she can decide.
If she eats something she WILL get migraines.
She knows that.

Or maybe she can see a nutritionist so that SHE can feel she "controls" it. Instead of it controlling her. And she can learn how to eat per her intolerances.
Or maybe, with her, find some fun recipes that has foods she can have. And she can pick it and help you shop for the ingredients and help cook it. Make her a PART of the process. Instead of being omitted from it.

It does seem like a "mourning" for her.
Also though, maybe tell her that she is "lucky" that her intolerances are not more severe and she is not direly "Allergic" to citrus... like how some people have to take daily shots and have an Epi pen with them at all times, because it is very dangerous for them to even be around certain foods. Maybe in hindsight, she will feel more "fortunate" about her intolerances, compared to others?

I agree with Ladybug. You don't have to be heavy handed and forbid her those foods. Tell she is a big girl and from now on the choice is hers. I'd have one more conversation with her to ask if she understands exactly what foods cause her exactly what painful symptoms. When you are clear she understands the consequences to her (as long as they are not life threatening), let her make the choice. If she makes a bad choice and feels awful, you can talk about what she ate, and nicely ask if that would be the same choice she'll make the next time. There will always be a time she is away from home and you won't be able to control what foods will be made available. I would do as you are doing, and always have plenty of alternatives on hand at home. You are being very supportive to talk up all the positive alternatives. Don't engage in conversation that allows her to feel sorry for herself. She has had time to "mourn" over the foods she should avoid. A LOT of kids have food allergies and intolerances. If she's having that much trouble, maybe your pediatrician can recommend a support group for kids. I'll be she would meet a lot kids with much more difficult food challenges. Don't let her wrap you up in a pity party. I think the less attention you give the issue, the better.

Yes, she is depressed about this. She may NEVER ever be able to eat these things or the foods that have these fruits in them.

I went through a depression about my migraines years ago. I hated not being able to do all of the things, everyone else could do. I also hated there was nothing, no matter how nice of a person was, no matter what exercise I did.. no way for a cure. I went to see a therapist, who explained this is completely normal.

And so made my self an agreement.. If I really wanted someihng or wanted to do something, I knew would make me ill or make me feel bad, I was willing to take the consequences.. without whining or without making excuses for it.

I do not allow myself to miss work, to drive, to miss out on my families activities, but if I know I have no responsibilities, I will chance the not feeling great just to get my "fix".. It does not happen often..

In our home, there is "no whining about illness, unless you are willing to go to the doctor or find out what the problem is."

i totally get it .. on my list of food that i shouldnt eat because im pregnant that the doctor gave me includes cold cuts, hotdogs, and fish.. it seems like i crave them all the time.. the difference is im 23 years old and i know that it wouldnt be good for the baby.. i think the older she gets the easier it will be.. she will understand that no matter how much she wants that certain thing that eating it idnt worht dealing with the migrane.. just give her some more time

Telling people to "get over it" is not helpful. According to the wise and wonderful advice in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish (my very favorite parenting book ever), what you can do for her is listen and empathize. Give her opportunities to talk it through.

Ask leading questions or make open-ended comments, like, "Aww, it's awfully hard to do without things we love, isn't it?" Or, "If this were all up to you, how would you choose between migraines and orange juice?" And then keep quiet and listen. Throw in the occasional "hmmm" or "I see." Offer to be her secretary and write down what she says, if she's brainstorming. If she has nothing to say this time (maybe she'll just cry or pout for awhile), try again the next time she feels approachable.

Ultimately, this does need to become her choice, and at 10, she more than likely has the cognitive ability to get there. It just won't happen all at once. I have suffered from multiple food and chemical sensitivities for over 25 years now, and just hate it when my husb or daughter try to "police" my choices. Every once in awhile, in a weak moment I will eat something I shouldn't have, but I have to remind myself why I avoid that food in the first place. Symptoms are a natural consequence and a great reinforcer of better choices.

Two months is not much time to mourn a significant loss. It took me well over a year of suffering and self-education before I (mostly) adjusted to all the things I had to give up. I'd give her more choice, if she were my daughter, and sympathize but avoid lecturing or babying her when she has difficult symptoms. Right now, it sounds like she sees the choice and control as being in your hands, not her own. Terrible migraines will become mostly distant history as she gets a handle on what's really most important to her.

Wishing you both well.

It's been a couple of months, right? Long enough for the mourning process. I think this is a little spoiled child who continues to pout because she can't have what she wants.

At this point, I WOULD tell her to get over it. This is the way it is; like you said, nobody can do anything about it. It's time she moved on and started eating the things she can have and consider herself lucky that it's only citrus fruit. If she gives it a chance, she will find other things that she likes as well. She may always miss citrus fruit, but it's certainly not something to dwell on or be angry over or this length of time.

Girls are such drama queens!

If it were not a life threatening intolerance, I would say to let her have it 1X per week, of her choice. It's like telling a diabetic "no sugar" or "no dessert" ever---of course the person will obsess about it and eventually "fall off the wagon."

Let her pick the item, and then decide the day (if it makes her sick, I'd pick a Friday or Saturday, so she can recover and not have it effect her school too much.) When she gets sick be matter of fact--don't be "I told you so" in words, actions or tone of voice, but don't be too sympathetic.

Let her choose to make herself sick, and let her do it above board, with your consent--so that she knows you want her to be well, but that you know she's a "big kid"/capable of making choices for herself, about her own health (however you want to word it, in a positive "you're becoming a grown up" kind of way). That way, you can hopefully get rid of the "it seems so much better/more wonderful/etc. because I can't have it" syndrome, and because then she is choosing to make herself sick, she can decide if it's worth it do that to herself.

I would also suggest making a list of the items (including all fruits, and common foods, and food categories) and handing them to anyone whom she has a playdate/sleep over, etc. with, including grandparents. And then make her responsible for reading labels. She's old enough to be able to decide if she wants to take the risk.

Talk to the doc to find out what she may be able to have a little of. I can't imagine putting up with the migranes, and she may be able to get over giving it up because of the pain. Don't know if there are support groups online or offline that might help her - knowing she's not alone may be a great thing.

That is hard when they are young. My kids can't have raw milk products which means no ice cream at birthday partys and my almost 10 year old still has a hard time with that. But it can send him to the ER with his asthma and allergys so there is no giving in there. Have you talked to the dr about anythign else that can be done. Something she can take when she gets them? I have to take meds daily for migrains. And then ones when they come on. Yes it's best to stay away but with her being young she is apt to get it in something. Like she did at her friends house.

Good Luck and God Bless!