Child Being Left Out - Wilmington,DE

I'm sorry, but reading your story made me chuckle a little because it reminds me of what my cousin and I used to do to my younger sister. It was mean and I would try to nip this in the bud ASAP. The reason we did it? There were 3 of us, and we both wanted my cousin to be our very own friend, so I conspired to exclude my sister from everything. Its a little different, but the hurt was the same. My parents yanked my cousin and I over and told us that we were being extremely hurtful and rude. That if we can't play nicely with ALL of us, we wouldn't be able to play at all. They told us that they would be watching us and they did keep an eye on us. Of course, for the first 5 minutes or so, we were a little annoyed that we had to play with her too, but that soon ended when we started to run around again. To this day, 25 years later, I remember playing freeze tag and throwing the ball around in a triangle.
Your nephew probably is doing this because he thinks that if he doesn't your boys would exclude him, so the key is to make sure they have activities in which no one would be excluded.
I'd pull them aside (the cousin and 5 year old son) and tell them together that what they are doing is unacceptable and that it will not continue or they will not be able to play. Good luck

Dear L.,
You seem to have handled the situation already, but I have been pondering your question for a couple of days now, and would like to ad my two cents worth. I really believe that children should be allowed/encouraged, as much as possible, to negotiate their own relationships without Mom getting in the middle. This means that when the situation is too challenging for them, it is an opportunity for Mom to talk to the child and help him/her with the skillS s/he needs to deal with it and to handle it with more confidence the next time. When I was growing up with my brother and cousins,we never let the adults in on "our business" and we never got involved in "adult business". I see that times have changed, but I think there is something to be said for everyone "knowing their place".
:)
N

We experienced this and bascially I didnt approach the cousin becuase thats up to his mum. I didnt even broach the subject with his mum.
I dealt with my boys. In my situation the two palling up togther were the same age and grade in school and the younger son was 2 1/2 years younger so you can see why the older two would do that.
I would explain to your son the problem you are faced with. That is that so and so is gettting left out, its getting mean it needs to stop or there wont be play dates anymore and they need to come up with the solution.
Is their something in your oldest personality that may be causing the problems that you can help him work on? Learning to work with difficult people is a great skill to have and maybe you can teach him what to do when his cousin annoys hm.
In my experince things get messy when you introduce other parents into the conflict so I would just start with your boys. If it turns out that you have to follow through with the consequences of not letting the cousin come over or go over there, perhaps then you can explain to his mom that your waiting for your boys to figure out how they are going to get along when they go to their cousins house and as soon as they do they'll visit again. That way she doesnt feel accussed that you are blaming her son even if he is part of the problem and it may motivate him to try nad help find a solution too!

I was the oldest and had an older cousin. She wanted to boss me around and I didn't have a problem standing up to her. So she aligned herself with my younger sister(2yrs younger) and excluded me. My sister liked being included and also it was a new concept that I was left out and gave her some power she didn't have at home.
-I would talk to your SIL and just mention it casually with the focus on the locked door
-I would talk to your 5 yr old again and make is clear that it is unacceptable brother behavior and they are to have each others back at all times and then support it by leaving early the next time it happens, no fuss just calm unemotional "time to go" The 5yr old may enjoy the fact that he has the power to include the older brother by speaking out.
-Not to be suspicious but a locked door and excluding an older kid isn't a good sign. It tells me something is going on that parents wouldn't like(with what little info I have) even if it's as benign as too violent video games 'd declare no closed doors and lots of you checking on them from now on with that older cousin.
-bringing a kit or project or something they have to assemble in the kitchen etc. Give them something to do that isn't determined by the 8yr old

I would talk to the parents of the cousins. They might not know that it is a problem. I would pray that God would deal with the child's heart because nothing is impossible for God.

HI L., You should talk to your sister-in-law about this. Before your next visit. I would also talk to the child and let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and hurtfull. If it continues, don't visit. The cousin is a bad example to your 5 yr old...and if you don't stop this ASAP it will only continue to get worse. The other alternitive is to take your oldest to a friends house to stay and play with while you go to your sister-in-law's house.

I would tell my 5 year old to knock it off. There are no locked doors when kids are involved. I would also talk to the cousin. I wouldn't involve mom yet. He sounds bratty. Also, this is normal behavior for kids and you sometimes have to let them hash it out. But normally, as the mom, you know when you have to step in. I hate to ask, but is there a reason they don't want to play with your son. Is he bossy, babyish, etc? I have to pull my own 7 year old daughter aside when something like this happens because she can be very bossy and mean at times.

My kids are too little to have yet experienced this, but I wanted to pass on something that I read in a blog that really stuck in my head, on how a mother observed how her daycare handled this type of situation (with younger kids, but maybe it will work for yours) --

When a child cried because he was being excluded from a group of kids, the worker asked the kids what game they were playing. They were playing some game involving the San Francisco bridge. (No clue what that was.) And she said, oh, well, don't you need a toll taker? Bobby, (the one being excluded), why don't you be the toll taker? And miraculously, all the kids accepted Bobby as the toll taker, and Bobby was no longer excluded. I could envision some kids going "No, I want to be the toll taker!!" But then you could suggest that they all take turns, or that toll takers only wear blue (Bobbie is the only one wearing Blue), so Bobby hss to be the toll taker.

There are a few girls in my neighborhood who are 8 and 9, and a few are totally into the "you can't play with me" mode, excluding one or the other at various times. I was keeping my eye on my little guy, and they were playing school one day, and I wish I had read this blog, because I bet they needed a principal for the school. I do feel that at that age, you need not "tell" them what to do, simply because that won't work, but I think you can set a bit of an example. My saying, "it isn't nice not to let her play, you really should let her play, how would you feel, etc." didn't help at all.

I would never have come up with something like that on my own. No lectures, no sentences beginning with "you have to"...I think kids shut down and quit listening sometimes when sentences begin like that...and the problem was very neatly solved. I need to remember to ask my daycare how they handle situations, because there is a wealth of very valuable information to be learned there. Many have backgrounds in child psyhchology, and can suggest age appropriate responses.

I would be concerned about the locking of the doors, I would be afraid that something would happen to the kids, and then you wouldn't be able to get inside, so I would mention that particular suspicion to the sister-in-law, just to try and avoid that from happening.

And if the behavior doesn't change, I do like the suggestions about simply not having the play date with the cousin engaging in this behavior. I would come flat out and tell him if he persists, that because he is behaving so nasty, you will not come over until he can be a better host and that he is not welcome at your house, either. At six, he should understand that. I would say, you may not like my son, and you don't have to, but there are rules about how you are supposed to treat guests, which if you can't follow, we won't come over. See if that helps.

Good luck! I fought with my cousins like cats and dogs growing up, and the only time that adults got involved was when there was blood, but we love each dearly now.

I don't think this is really that uncommon with 3 kids. The oldest one probably likes being the "big" kid over your youngest, and the youngest probably likes being able to do something that the eldest can't. I would be a little concerned about your youngest's lack of empathy for his brother, though. Maybe it is justified (is the older boy nice to him?), or maybe not. That you'll have to figure out yourself.

The other thing I would be concerned about is the age difference between the cousin and your younger son. Many things that are developmentally appropriate for an almost-9-year-old aren't for a 5 year old, so you need to monitor that carefully. And I agree with the other mom who said that there shouldn't be locked doors when kids are playing.

Good luck. Maybe spend a little extra time with your older son until this blows over.

Hi L.,

I would definately get your sister in - law involved. She should know what her son is doing. I'm sure she will correct him. Unfortunately alot of children don't listen to what their Aunts have to say so when you get Mom involved their getting it from both ends. We've always had the same trouble and still do when their is an odd number playing together especialy 3 kids playing together. Someone always gets left out. We have 4 children ages 23 - 19 - 5 - 3 1/2.
Games for multiple players seems to work the best at the ages your talking about between 1 and 10 years old.

Games that help for us are: Toss a Cross - Candyland - Chutes and Ladders.

You can also have the kids make up their own game:

Use a couple of empty cans in your case with the 3 cousins use 3 cans. Using a clean sock put in either sand or rice tie in a knot. They just made their own Toss game!

Playdoh works great too.

Ages 1 thru 10 are challenging BUT not as challenging as TEENAGERS!

Enjoy the young stages and their challenges they soon will pass by and become wonderful Memories and Stories to tell your children when they become parents.

I hope this helps?

A little about me:

I'm a Mom of 4 & Grandma to 1 Grandson. I'm married to my BEST FRIEND!

I have a home based business that my Family helps me with:
www.trisharay.candlebizfromhome.com

This situation could be harmless, but since it has happened more than once, I doubt it.
First of all, 8 yr. olds don't usually play with 5 yr. olds (think school: 5's are K, 8's are possibly 3rd grade).
Second: the situation has all the earmarks of bullying, especially since the older boy has tried to alienate other children.
Third: is the 8 yr. old the oldest of the cousins? Do the others look to him as the ring leader?
Fourth: the locked door presented a potentially hazardous situation for the boys in the room, as well as being he barrier.

I don't have any magic suggestions for talking to the boy's mother. SInce it is a family situation, I doubt there is any way to avoid hurt feelings and anger. Maybe the best thing would simply be to tell your sister-in-law that you are very concerned about the locked door scene, not only because of the exclusion of your 6 yr. old, but also because of the potential for danger.

If the 8 yr. old is bullying his other cousins, they may be afraid to tell anyone. It's the gang mentality: if they see him as "cool", and are a little afraid of him, and he says not to play with your son, they may go along with it to avoid the same fate.

I wish you luck with this. The boy's mother may know that he is bully, but be in denial about it. How does this older boy get along with kids at school? Does he get picked on by older, bigger kids? It may all be part of the picture.

Good luck, and many prayers!

What did your SIL say about her son and your youngest locking your oldest out of the room? If she doesn't know about this incident, I would tell her. I would let your boys know what kind of behavior you expect them to display toward each other and let your nephew know your expectations as well. Let them know what the consequences will be for breaking your rules - timeout, loss of privileges, nephew goes home, etc. To get your younger son to be more sympathetic and to notice more about other people, make a daily ritual of saying positive things about each other while you are at the dinner table. Each person takes a turn saying something nice about everyone else - "you really worked hard to build that puzzle", "thanks for letting me take the first turn", "I like your shirt", "you tell junny jokes". It is okay for them to not be best friends, but they should be civil to each other.

You can't make the two of them play together, unfortunitly. If they don't get along, I would't force it. But I would give your older boy something really fun to do to make up for it, like pull out a brand new coloring book and crayons, or a small toy, if he get's left out, so he can still have fun and feel good about playing independantly. I would have a talk with both boys though, about family loyalty. It's our family motto that we are a team, and the people in our house(Mommy, Daddy, each one of our kids) are the most important people in the world to each other, and we don't let anything or anyone come between us.God gives us each other as family, friends or family not as close come after that.Try not to worry, though. It's a normal phase as kids try to assert independance in there own little ways. It can turn out to be a useful lesson to your oldest about how to handle tough things like rejection, in a positive way. Good luck!
S.

i would personally not have the cousin over until he can be nice..give him a chance and tell him if your oldest isnt included you will not be able to have him over...after a few days he will get the hint...

I have dealt a little with this myself. I have 3 girls. Ages 8, 4, and 20 months. The 8 and 4 year olds sometimes play well together, but mostly not. When my oldest has a friend over, I tell my 4 year old that she needs to give my oldest and her friend a little time with each other, however, sometimes it's okay to play with them. I don't want them leaving her out the whole time. Anyway, I've caught my oldest doing the whole 'locking the door' thing. I've since had to talk to my oldest that if she can't include her younger sister, then that friend can no longer come over to play. It's definitely important to allow each child to play, especially if they want to. And to leave one child out on purpose is not acceptable. So I'd just tell your middle child that if his older brother can't play, then he can't either.

It's kind of hard if you are at your SIL's house. Maybe plan to keep the visits on the shorter side knowing that an hour is all they can handle together. If you know you'll be there longer, I think my suggestion would be to bring an activity with you that all the kids could do together, preferably somewhere within your sight. A movie, a board game, a sprinkler for outside. Keeping them busy and keeping them near you, should help curb this nasty behavior.
I do think you should talk with your sister in law but i don't have any advice on how to do that with out potentially causing hard feelings, especially since she was in the house when the locking out of your son was going on, right?? I'm sure she has some idea. Maybe just saying you prefer that the kids stay in the living room or what ever room you are near ( as opposed to the cousins room) would be a delicate way of handling it.
Do they get on better if they are out somewhere, like say a park or the zoo or something? Maybe you can visit with your sister in law in a place like that while the kids play. Sort of neutral turf.

Good luck, Cousins can be so awesome but they can also be tricky.

Hi L.,
Oh! How sad for your son...that truly stinks! In general, especially with boys, I feel it's best to let them work things out on their own but this seems to be purposely hurtful.
I would see if your SIL is on board with ending this situation--she may be unaware of it and once she is made aware, she should take action. If she doesn't realize what is going on--she needs to be brought up to speed asap. You also should take action to tell your youngest that his behavior will not be tolerated. If it happens again, I would leave their home immediately. This will probably get the point across! Good luck!

It's not unusual for the older kids to do this or an older sibling to not want their younger sibbling hanging aroung, however, it's up to the adults and parent's to teach them to include the younger ones. I was the youngest and I'm sure a real brat, but my Mom taught us that we had to play and get along with each other. My Mother did a great job teaching us that we had to include and help each other even if we didn't want to--LOL. To this day we are extremely close and I think that's because my parent's taught us to be and there was no other option.

I would let the kids know that they all have to get along and whoever is mean or refuses to get along will be the one left out--all by themself in another room with nothing to do. I really believe that adults have to take a part in this and teach the kids how to treat each other. At the same time, you have to let the younger ones know they can't be a brat and they need to know how to act.

As far as your own kids, I would sit them down and let them know how you feel--what is acceptable and what is not. Nip it in the bud now. You are the parent and the one teaching them. I know this sounds crazy, but I really believe it's a parent that keeps a family together and teaches them how to treat their sibblings. They may not like it now, but later they will realize how important it was that you did that and respect not only each other, but you for the important job you did. There is no greater than a sibbling.

Letting kids hash it out works fine for small disagreements, where they want you to weigh in on who should win the argument. In that case, they should try to work it out themselves. But, I am not a big believer of letting kids hash it out at this age when it involves serious issues or bullying - which this seems to be. And it is pretty clear that the older child is influencing the 5-year old's attitude towards his brother, and I doubt you want that. We used to have a neighbor child who always wanted to make sure my younger daughter was left out. I used to tell the whole group that if they couldn't all get along, then none of them could play, and I would send them home. You could do something similar. If they can't get along, you go home. Since it's a cousin, I also think you should let your sister-in-law know about this, in a non-accusatory way. She clearly needs to be speaking with her child about hurtful behavior towards others. When my younger child was having trouble with a neighbor friend, her mother and I sat down with both of them to help them sort it out. They're still friends today. Kids needs guidance from parents sometimes.

I agree that it seems as if it is impacting the 5 year old's behavior and view of his older brother. Instead of looking up to the brother (as is usually the case), he has the opposite attitude and this is not really something you want long term. Unfortunately, with three kids, it's really tough to get them all to play together. I wouldn't have the cousin over as often and I would definitely speak to your sister-in-law, especially about the 'all the cousins hate you' remark - some things are not acceptable and purposely hurting someone is one of them. Good luck,
S.