Cheating Question

Lacking? Integrity. Because even if you have problems, there are other things you should do besides cheat.

What caused my ex to cheat?
Complete lack of respect for me. The fact that he was a pig. The fact that he thought that he was "Don Juan" and could get away with it.
What made me leave? Realizing I am worth more than that.
L.

What made my ex-husband cheat? He thought he was entitled to more than one partner...he believed he was God's Gift to women...

nothing was lacking in our bedroom at home. he NEVER complained about sex in our marriage. EVER.

How does it start? Usually innocent enough...there is someone at work who catches their attention...gives them attention and they start a conversation, the conversation leads to drinks...the drinks lead to a kiss, the kiss leads to sex...it can happen one night at a bar...husband and wife just had a tiff over something insignificant....but for him OR her...it's HUGE and they are licking their wounds...the other person helps and gives them the boost they feel they need...

Another "cue"? changing password on e-mail, computer, accounts and not giving it to the spouse...money being spent on things that she doesn't see...

All of a sudden going out at lunch instead of packing a lunch...or lunch costs suddenly jump up...

Working late...never had to work late before and hasn't changed jobs...

Tell your friend to hire a private investigator...do NOT let yourself get pulled into the middle of this one..be there for her...but over all? to get proof? Hire a PI...they will get pictures and proof...she can check e-mail, cell phone records...etc.

There are all sorts of "cues" but they could be NOTHING or they could be something...if she suspects cheating...sorry...once that trust is broken..it's REALLY hard to get it back..

And what gets me??? MANY TIMES???? It is the accuser doing what they are accusing of...

lack of connection.
And then somebody else comes along and makes them feel special and desired.

That's a REALLY broad question. People cheat on their spouses for all kinds of reasons, out of immaturity, lack of self control, low self esteem, loneliness, excitement, boredom, selfishness, need for sex/intimacy, sexual addiction, I'm sure the list goes on and on.
So much depends on the couple and their situation, their age, the strength of their relationship, etc.
I'm not sure you can get a definitive answer to your question. Maybe you'll get some examples, like this one:
I had a (casual) friend, SAHM, two young kids. Husband worked regular hours, like 9 to 5 and was a good dad, provider, husband. Wife was miserable, she claimed staying at home with her boys was SO important to her but her house was dirty (not messy, dirty) and her boys spent most of their days in the gated up living room, TV blasting, sippy cups always in hand, whining, just depressing to be around. She also had little to no interest in sex, so this really good guy came home to a stinky house with whiny, sticky kids and a wife who turned her back on him almost every night.
Now should he have cheated on her, and eventually left her for that other woman? No, of course not. But to his credit he stuck it out a lot longer than my husband or I EVER would have, and he did try to help her get out of her rut. He tried taking her on weekend trips, to give her a break and a chance for them to reconnect, but she wouldn't go without the kids (she told me she really didn't want to go because she knew he would want to have sex) and he offered to adjust his work hours so she could get a part time job, or go to school, or anything she wanted to explore. She just felt he was accusing her of "not doing enough." The kicker of this whole situation is that early in their marriage (once before the kids were born and once after) she cheated on him not once, but twice! Random one night stands that she begged forgiveness for. But boy oh boy when he did it he was "ripping their family apart!"
Sorry, that got to be a bit of a rant, lol!

Cowardice & Selfcenteredness & Disrespect.

The cowardice is the biggest one, imho.

Why?

Because if they had any honor whatsoever they would do 1 of a few things:

1) Divorce
2) Talk with their spouse about opening up their marriage (and be willing to face the consequences of that talk).
3) Not betray their spouse and break sacred vows by cheating in the first place.

It's EASY to "blameshift" and blame the person who is being betrayed by saying "You weren't doing xyz" or "You were too abc" or "You, you, you, you."

Which makes as much sense as blaming the person being beated. "You made me hit you." makes as much sense as "You made me cheat."

1001 pop-garbage articles try and teach way to manipulate someone else into not cheating. They're not going to work. Because there is nothing that another person can do to MAKE someone brave and honest. You cannot make a person cheat OR stay faithful. That is on them.

During my husband's first affair, I got a lot of garbage from people (honestly trying to figure it out, I'll give them that) wanting to know what *I* did to make him cheat.

- Were you guys not having sex? (Nope. We were having sex daily, often several times a day.)
- Were you keeping the house?
- Were you cooking?
- Were you letting him spend time with his friends?
- Were you blah blah blah blah blah.

YES. I was doing everything I normally do, plus anything asked of me.

My husband is just a selfish, self centered, lying duche. NOTHING is good enough for him. He's never happy with what he has, and it's never enough, and the attention of strangers means more to him, than the attention of people who love him. (He needs constant praise and affirmation). He now makes a quarter of a million a year and is HONESTLY claiming poverty. He's less happy with the money he makes now, than when he made 40k. Nothing is good enough for him. (And he's already cheated on several of his girlfriends).

________

Now, I HAVE cheated on someone before (boyfriend), and I can honestly say that EVERYTHING up above was equally true for me. I learned that lesson, though, BEFORE I made vows... and I have never repeated that mistake.

Not because I haven't wanted to from time to time. But I also want to hit people, or own a painting in a museum, or not pay my bills. Just because I WANT to do something, doesn't make it right.

Having character means doing things you don't want to, and not doing things you do want to... TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

Being brave means the same thing, except for doing or not doing even when you're afraid.

And loving someone, to me, means doing what is best for the other person / putting their needs and wants EQUAL (at the least) of your own, and higher than every other person's.

_______

In order to cheat:

A person has to be too big of a coward to let the other person go (divorce or break up) so that they can find someone worthy of themselves (but I don't want to loooooose you!)

A person has to be too self centered to see their spouse as someone deserving of a person who puts them first in their minds or hearts (but I wanted, But you didn't, But I needed, But you weren't, blah blah blah)

A person has to be disrespectful enough of themselves AND their spouse to actually break their vows, and then continue to lie compounding the problem AND putting their spouse's AND their children's health at risk in addition to broken hearts and everything else. Dis. Re. Spect. Ful. in one of the greatest ways possible.

Just my .02.

i think something is lacking from within when people cheat not within the relationship. well actually it may be a combination of both but i believe always within because honestly if the relationship was lacking and you were mentally healthy and happy you would be able to either work on it and address the issue befor cheating happened or leave before you cheated. when you cheat it is exactly that cheating. The easy (at the time) way of not dealing with your issues

"The chief cause of divorce is selfishness."

The main cause of cheating is also selfishness. It's the "It's all about me" feeling. If it was all about US, then there would be no cheating. There would be no disloyality.

If couples were interested in each other and put each other first in the relationship then husbands and wives wouldn't have to go seeking something outside marriage. Husbands wouldn't go lookng for intimacy, or hugs outside marriage. Wives wouldn't look for conversation or intimacy, or companionship outside marriage. (I could list lots more for husbands and wives, but you get the point.)

Why do people cheat? Selfishness.

Good luck to you and yours.

For my ex it was driven by him needing to be wanted. Once we were married he saw everything I did as not caring or loving him but because I stuck with him. So even when I needed him he saw it as she is only coming to me because she has no one else.

So every time a woman "needed" him it would develop into an affair.

Totally his issues. Short of keeping him on a short leash there was nothing I could have done to keep him from doing it and what kind of marriage would that be?

He always got caught because they would always call his work and work loved to gossip about family. Thing is every time he got caught it was only a confirmation of what I already suspected.

I don't know that this will help your friend. Everyone cheats for different reasons and really until you look back on it you can't even tell what drove the behavior.
_____________________________________________________
And everything JustM said!

My ex loved the life that we had. He loved the image of our family. He loved the family time and the trips and things that we did (both as a couple and as a family). We had a good sex life (3x/week roughly). Problem is, he decided he loved the attention of a 19 year old. He had a complete mental break and lost all sense of right and wrong. She became like an addiction to him.

He lost his job and his entire career. He lost all credibility in our community. He lost me and our children lost respect for him. He became a completely different person. I caught him because EVERYTHING about him changed overnight. He got very angry because of all the guilt. Then, I looked at his cell phone records. That was my information to confront him. I very vividly remember that conversation and watching him as he realized what he had done. He looked completely destroyed. Look at his bank accounts and match up where he says he is with receipts. It's usually not hard to get evidence.

Because sometimes monogamy is just really hard for some people. It's not always a character flaw, monogamy is just harder than anticipated.
Because no one person can fill or anticipate all the needs of any other person.
Because it can be difficult to accept any of these things in life.
Because the marriage needed more than a push to get back on the right track, it needed a train wreck with casualties.
Because the person has a disorder which makes them seek out dangerous situations in order to get that dopamine flowing.
Because attempts at opening the marriage failed and someone was going to keep secrets anyway.
Because humans are selfish.
Because sometimes you have to hit bottom in order to fix what's wrong.

Good responses below from everyone.

Most of the time, you can tell when someone is cheating because they start doing things differently. Different schedules, unexplained absences. Also, they often start grooming themselves differently. New clothes, more attention paid to appearance. Then there is usually something different in bed, though not always. This can sometimes lead to more sex, not less, so you can't judge by that. Also, a cheating spouse will usually be more curt towards his/her partner.

I would judge mainly by the appearance and schedule changes.

Been on both sides of that, sorry to say.