Burned Out

This is totally totally totally common, B.. Guys for the most part just aren't into kids when they are babies. They don't have that "oh, look how cute they are" mentality. If they're not talking back or throwing a ball back to them, they just don't have the same desire to hold them and interact with them that women do. You give a man a baby, they'll look at them, and enjoy it for a few seconds, but then they think "OK, NOW WHAT?" As far as helping out goes, I think that we as new mothers expect our husbands to know what he can do to help out. The truth is though, mine for one just plain didn't know. I would get SO mad at him because he wasn't helping, but one day when I confronted him about it, I ended up having a wake up call because he said "honey, how do you expect me to know what you need? All you ever have to do is ask". So, that's exactly what I did. As far as letting yourself be so affected by his lack of attention towards the baby, try to understand that it's your choice that you're reacting this way. You really are wasting energy getting upset. I'm not in any way trying to tell you that you're wrong for feeling this way. I felt that way too, but after a lot of soul searching, I realized that I was setting certain expectations for my husband....on another human being that isn't perfect. The moment you begin to assert certain expectations on another human being, it's the moment that you make the choice that you're going to give this certain person control over a portion of your emotions. You can't control your husband's actions, emotions, or anything else. But you CAN control how you react to it. Live in the moment, not in what happened when he walked through the room without saying hi to the baby, or anything else in the past. Live NOW, rather than thinking about whether or not he'll come home at a reasonable hour. My husband works from 9-anywhere between 7 and 9 that night. Sure, I'm not perfect, and I catch myself sometimes getting upset that he's been at work all day and I haven't had any break, or sometimes I think "does he know how hard I work here while he's at work?" BUT, as soon as I realize those thoughts are going through my head, I take control back from them and dismiss them as being part of my ego. Once I acknowledge that, I'm able to be fine with it. I can't control what time my husband comes home, he owns his own business and HAS to put in the hours. BUT, I can control how I am when he walks through that door. I can either pity myself and make him feel bad when he has a later than usual night, or I can greet him at the door and make him feel happy to be home. It's all about choices and keeping your reactions from consuming you to the point that they begin to define you.

In a nutshell, I just gave you basically how I live my life as a happy, peaceful, still mother and wife. Hope that it helps you as much as it helped me when I first started doing my own soul searching on what it takes to make me happy. Happiness is being content and living in the moment. As soon as you start bringing in emotions, reactions, and things from the past and future, you're cheating yourself from happiness.

Keep your chin up girl!

Hi B.!

I agree with Julie - pick up the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"....I have only read a little of it, but I have heard it helps re-evaluate behaviors to get the "most" out of your husband and your marriage.

I understand you to a point but my hubby is in the miltary but i don't have family around to help if i need a day or hour or i don't have daycare that i can pay for. My husband helps but when you got 5 under the age 6 it is so hard. and then i got 4 home full time and man it is so hard somedays. I really understand where you come from on needing your time b/c even knowing mime does try i feel like i don't have as much help as i need from him sometimes and that is where i have a hard time. Just try to keep your head up as much as you can. I know it is so hard i am in the same boat if i was around the evansville area still i would love to talk but well we move over seas now and well i really don't know anyone here. but i am trying to make friends but that is life. If you need a day or time to your self there is a daycare in evanville that is free and it don't matter what you make you can take your child there. I loved it there b/c when my hubby was gone for school i took my kids there b/c i needed sometime to clean and take time out. I was really stressed out when he was gone b/c i was on the move 24/7. if you ever want to talk to me just email me at ____@____.com my kids ages are 6,4,twins 3,20 months. very hard work but i do love being a mommy keep up your head. best of luck C.

Hi B.,

What I did with my husband is I assigned him certain responsabilities.
For instance, he loves playing with my kids but I can't say babies were the excitement of his day.
So, when he was home, he was to be the bottle maker, diaper fetcher, whipy fetcher, meal preparer, bath fixer, undressing the kids and putting them in and grabbing one of the others while I waited for one to finish soaking....
We also have our own business and we have slow seasons when he HAS to pick up more slack.

When my hubby works very late, I pick up slack, but then guess what - I ALWAYS demand a day to sleep in - he's welcome to take one too if he so wishes.
Often he instead trades in his sleep in day for a nap during the day while I care for the kids and he's not working....

So I believe there are ways to trade off responsability so you get a break.
So, if the earliest he can get home and he won't be flexible, then make plans for a mother's night out, a gym night or just get out and gor sit at a bookstore or a starbucks for yourself, sometimes I drive around after some errands and talk on the phone for an hour while he's watching the kids.

If there is a will, there is a way.

Amy

B.,

I think you have a couple of different issues you need to address. Number One is your own well-being. Talk to your doctor about your PPD and decide on the correct way to treat it for you. You can't make any clear descisions when you are being affected with depression.

Once you start work on your depression, talk to your husband again. Let him know that you realize he works hard and that the reason he works hard is to provide for you and your children. But ... (there is always a But) Remind him that being a stay at home mom is a full time job. And actually a job you never get a break from. It's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Don't talk about what he doesn't do - the list could be possibly endless. Talk to him about how you two need to be more of a team. What tasks could you accomplish together? Bath time? Come up with some suggestions for him. "Honey, I know it was a hard day, but if you could just do some of the bedtime stories, or help with the homework or if you could just take the baby for one measly flippin' miniscule half hour after you come home, it would totally rejenerate me for the rest of the evening" ... sorry. edit that part out. You get my point though. Try to focus on what he's doing right to get some more effort out of him.

You're not being unfair to ask this of him.

Good luck to you and your family

J.

Hey B.,

Bless your heart! I so understand. First off I have to say I have a great guy. He is AF so he is gone alot, but when he is here he tries to help. The thing is, being a SAHM is a 24/7 kind of career. My hubby didn't understand that for a long time. Then before I had my last baby (and I mean she's the last) I had to go back to Oklahoma for a wedding. I didn't take the kids with me, so Mark took off work to be me for 11 days. By 9 days into that trip he was calling and begging me to come home. He literally said, "I don't want to be you." He understood after that WHY I asked for his help and why I was calling him at work to get an ETA on when he would be home. I was desperate. My brain was turning to oatmeal. I had figured out all blues clues. I had wiped up pee in the bathrooms that biology tells me WAS NOT MINE. I needed a mommy time out. So, since you probably don't have any out of town weddings to attend in the near future I have another idea. Leave the house at least one time a week in the evening when he gets home at a reasonable time. He can't throw it all to you if aren't there. It throws him into parenting and it gives you a MUCH NEEDED time away from the house. Go to starbucks. Get a library card. You can get books, play on the computer, or even bring home videos for the kids. Then you get a guarantee of another time out of the house, because you have to take the stuff back. On the days you take them to daycare, don't come right back home. Give yourself an hour to go garage selling, or to the thrift store, or just to sit in the park with a drink and do nothing. Or come home and return a phonecall to a grown up. Give yourself some time. It will help you more than you know. Your counselor is right. He probably will never volunteer for the duty, but you can do for you in a way that gives him the duty anyway. And you never know, it may help him bond with the baby in a different way.

I say, when he gets home just hand him the baby, kiss him on the cheek and tell him it's his turn. Then for the rest of the night if the older girls come to you just tell them do go to dad. Better yet leave the house, go for a walk , go get a soda at a drive through. Keep your cell near just in case, but I wouldn't give him the option to not help.

B.,

I agree that the "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" is a great book. It saved my marraige, and you mignt see yourself in some of the passages.

Try to set aside anything in it that you offensive, but really, really, really pay attention to everything Dr. Laura says about how men feel, what makes them tick, and what it takes to make them happy, because she really nails that part.

If you disagree with her description of why mariages have this dynamic (she blames the women's movement) then fine, but her advice on WHAT to do works wonders. I now how a husband who would swim through shark infested water to bring me lemonade, and I have a lot less to do because he is right there with me doing it.

M.

Are you a YMCA member? Y's have childcare available for members(most I know are free to members). It would be relaxing to swim or do Yoga if you like either of these on the days you dont have to work. The employees have had background checks and the employees at the Y we belong to a wonderful! Also remember while right now it seems this demanding age will last forever, it will pass very soon so remember to ENJOY! Try to fit in some relaxing time during naps or after bedtime. It is so wonderful to put the little ones to bed and take a warm bath, drink some tea, read a great book or just take some deep breaths. "These two shall pass". Take Care and God Bless Your family!!