Brother Help

There's really nothing you can do here. Grammas a grown woman and apparently doesn't mind the situation. I'm sure it's frustrating for you, but this could backfire and cause alot of family problems if you butt in. Just let your gramma handle her own situation and you and your sister can vent to each other about this.

How about you get counseling because you seem to have issues unrelated to your brother/grandma's situation. What your grandmother does is none of your business. She probably enjoys the company. No where in your post did you state grandma wants him out, just you and your sister.

I am sorry if I seem harsh and I am sure there is more to this than what you have posted. 19 is really not that old that he needs to be kicked to the curb. Especially when his mother has already kicked him out. I am just saying before you get your knickers in a twist over your brother you may want to make sure your own issues are involved.

Coming from the situation you describe with your mom and his dad your brother probably doesn't know what he wants from life yet. Maybe he could meet a man you know or from a church who could befriend him and help him find a goal or get started at least. Without motivation it's hard for a 19 yr. old to do that sometimes. I would start with helping him though, not focusing on the grandma. As a grandma I would guess that your grandma feels like she is protecting him or 'helping' him and she is probably not unhappy with the situation at all. Maybe she's even lonely and enjoys the company. Not good for him though to just work a few days a week. I hope you can find some man to come along and guide him to a goal, whether army or military or something else. He's still so young he has many options.

Not sure there will be much you can do, especially if you dont want to just make matters worse. Like someone else said, taking an interest in each of them and giving loving helpful suggestions would probably be the best course.

Having a boarder doesnt necessarily drive the bills up - your electric/gas/water will go up *a little* depending on the person and their habits, but trash/sewer/mortgage/insurance will not change. So the most expense is likely from disposables - food (19 year olds can EAT), shampoo, toilet paper, etc. Perhaps sharing your concern directly with him, that you think grandma is having a hard time and could he try to supply his own food and incidentals? As for the utilities that do go up due to him living there, could he offer to pay at least a small fixed amount? (the whole electric bill is not his fault, look at her bills before he arrived and after to see his impact) If he cant, he could at least try to be more aware of it and conserve (eat cheaper, turn off lights, etc) and maybe he could contribute by helping her out - clean the kitchen/dishes, vacuum, drive her to appts, anything she has trouble doing on her own. Ease him up in taking responsibility for himself.

You could make the same suggestions to her - tell her you understand she doesnt mind him being there (and I agree - she probably does like the company and enjoys knowing she is still useful and helping someone out), but on a fixed income she needs to be sure to take care of herself first, or she will end up in the position of needing help herself instead of offering it to him. She could try mentioning to him that she loves having him there and doesnt mind cooking for him, but she just cant afford the groceries for both anymore... could he help out with that? Let her take charge, but arm her with some loving ways to do it.

In the end, though, giving him a "pass" because of his history doesnt do him any good except keep him dependent. At 19, he should start taking some responsibility for his life and be proud of himself for doing it. Applaud his interest in the army and encourage it (adn understand how scary that must be during wartime - knowing he would likely be shipped directly to Iraq). But dont make him feel bad for his current situation, or excuse him because of his past - we all have backgrounds that influence who we are... as soon as you recognize that influence, you are old enough to make the *choice* to overcome it. By "feeling sorry" for someone and excusing them, you make that choice more difficult for them as it is easier to live off sympathy. But overcoming it is a journey that can take awhile, even when you want it... so he may need a little time and guidance. 19 isnt fully developed yet... I know I made some bad decisions at that age that I cringe at now, and I turned out a completely responsible adult :) !

I think appealing to his love of grandma and striking a compassion chord in him may really help. Sounds like he is the "child" in their house, which probably worked before, but let him see her as older and frail and someone who needs a little taking care of and help herself. Share your concerns about her health and her age, and your regret at not being able to spend more time helping her out or visiting more often. Once he moves to the caretaker mode, he may start gaining some pride in himself and that generally leads to better decisions (or at least a more compassionate human being who is aware not to take advantage of people they love).

Good luck!

Well, your brother is mooching off of your Grandma, and she allows this because she feels sorry for him since his parents were not very loving or caring, nor did they invest much time or energy in raising him. This is all very bad for your brother because it is preventing him for taking responsibility for himself. The trouble, however, is that YOU are the one on here asking for help, not your grandma. No one can do anything about this but your grandma or your brother. I would just stay out of it unless they ask for help. If one of them does (probably Grandma), then you should advise her to give him two weeks to find his own place and then kick him out. She should not give him any money. He is perfectly capable of figuring it out, and it might be the first time in his life he will have had to rely on himself to do something worthwhile. That is how we gain self esteem: impressing ourselves. I hope it all works out; you seem to have the right attitude.

Sounds like your brother has had a pretty crummy life with parents who didn't care about him. Here is the one person who actually is trying to do something for him! Unless your grandmother has said that she is unhappy with this situation, I would stay out of it. Let her take care of him for a while since your mom and dad didn't do it.

You and your sister can help by giving him information and then letting him take it from there. If he wants to join the army, offer to take him to the recruiting office, that way you can hear for yourself the actual information and he can't make any excuses.

If he could go back to school or a technical school, help him find and fill out financial aid forms.

I commend you for wanting to help, but this is between your brother and your grandmother. Let grandma make some of these decisions. She may resent you for interferring.

why not have a sit down "intervention" with sister, grandma, and you, confronting him? it might be easier for grandma to put her foot down if she has backup. or at least maybe she'd consent to being present and make a show of agreeing with you. but i'm sure that she likes the company too....before you make any rash moves make sure she is okay with whatever plan you propose to him. i'd have it all worked out, so that he doesn't have any "decision" making to do at all. follow the rules, or find someone else to mooch off of. take it or leave it. you know? just a thought. good luck!

I'm sorry, but I have no good advice for you, just a request. If you get some good advice that works for your situation, please forward it to me. My husband has a similar situation with his nephew living off his parents and he's angry about it. His nephew also comes from a broken home. His brother was very abusive to his first wife and his nephew had front row seats for the whole nasty ordeal. She finally left, leaving my brother-in-law with 3 boys. At the time they were 12, 8, and 3 mos. The youngest has always lived with grandma and grandpa. It's the only home he's ever known and thank God, it's always been stable and loving. The two oldest boys stayed with Dad and when he remarried they moved into a new family. The oldest, however, has always had issues. He fell in with the wrong crowd, lacked motivation, had anger issues, refused to get his drivers' license (He's 22 now and still doesn't have one), and finally got into big trouble at 17 years old. He was tried as an adult and spent 2 years in county lock-up. When he got out, his Dad and Step-mom told him he was on his own. He moved in with Grandma and Grandpa and has been there ever since. He sits in the basement all day, playing video games. He's not had a job since being released and like your brother, he always has an excuse as to why he can't apply here or there. Grandma and Grandpa provide everything for him: food and shelter, running money, chauffer service, clothing, etc. My husband is almost livid about the situation. I've told him that it's his Mom and Dad's life and if they want to let their grandchild mooch off of them for the rest of their lives, it's none of our business. They are adults after all. They're not senile or stupid. They know what they're doing and they obviously want to do it. My husband sometimes argues the stupid part, but I know that he loves his parents and even though he doesn't agree with what they are doing, he doesn't believe that they are stupid. None-the-less, he's angry about the situation and he's angry at his nephew and his brother rather than his parents. My husband and his brother are as different as night and day. I sometimes marvel that they came from the same two parents. My husband rarely gets angry and I can't imagine him ever being abusive. He always treats me with the utmost respect and he's a wonderful, loving father (and a damn fine life partner also)! I'd love to help him with this situation, but like you, I have no idea what to do. I think that if it were me that was allowing my grandchild to take advantage of me, whoever pointed that out would have to tread very lightly and carefully. I believe that my in-laws feel that they are protecting and trying to help the “poor” child. I'm sure they still see him as a child even though he's a young man now. The only thing that might sway me, if I were them, would be to convince me that I was not helping, but rather hurting him by somehow robbing him of the opportunity to become the man God intended him to be. I guess the question is how to do that ever so delicately. Good luck and like I said, if you get some good advice that works for you, please pass it on.

I recommend you make sure Grandma spends plenty of time at your home. Let her see and spend time around your husband. The more she's around him, the more she'll see your brother more clearly. I also suggest that, in her presence, you regularly ask your brother about his plans for the future. Do this without any anger or resentment. Ask him where he sees himself in 10 years, and what his plan is to get there. Bombard him with information, pamphlets, etc., regarding job fairs, enlistment info, etc. Do all of this with a seeming "I just want to help" attitude, and I'm sure it will move him off his sticking point. Good luck to you.