Bringing Back the Intimacy

Hi K.,

I am the mother of a 6 month old and I can tell you that most women (including myself) go through radical changes after having a baby. Most medical writings will tell you that it will be a year before you start to feel like yourself again...but of course, you are changed forever too!

There is a book I scanned through at B&N about how a woman's brain literally changes at the different stages in her life- especially after pregnancy. It is a very different looking and acting organ after having children and so the communications going on between it and the body are also different after babies.

Don't despair though...the changes can feel more positive the further down the road you get. Time alone may not bring back your drive completley though, and so in the meantime...I would recommend 3 things that might really help:

1. Like you thought, the B.C. you are on may totally be killing your drive. Ask your doctor/pharmacist to look at the drug's profile. I had a girlfriend who went through a similar thing. It took a while to find the right pill for her, as some of them even made her feel violent. Every woman's chemistry is different. And even if the drug isn't supposed to have any effect on sexuality...that doesn't mean it couldn't for you.

2. See if you can find a good therapist (women's/family issues) to talk with. You will quickly see you are not alone! Some of what you are feeling may be wrapped up in your body's changed appearance or your subconscious perceptions about how mothers should be, etc., and there are a whole range of things you could be thinking about/feeling that are shutting off your ability to be intimate.

3. I can recommend a homeopathic practitioner named Nanette Pavlova who works with Birthwise in Austin. I know there are several excellent homeopathic remedies she could recommend after evaluating you, that can balance out that whole spectrum of hormones and the mental/emotional/sexual conflicts all at the same time...and they are SAFE!

I really do know what you are going through. I have felt that feeling you are describing...even on occasions before having my son. I would at times just be completely repelled by the idea of engaging sexually (normally my drive is pretty high).

But when I look back at those times, it was either that my marriage was going through a rough spot (lack of respect, low finances...etc.) or my body was stressed out from something else.

I think it is a normal thing for a woman's sexuality to shut down when there is too much stress (though some find themeselves more aroused during those times and use the sex to vent).

You may not "See" the stress, as it could be hormones out of whack or underestimating how your body/mind are managing the stressors present in your life- but the body has it's own perception and that is why talking with a therapist may be really helpful. They can give you tools to unwind the tension/conflicts you may be feeling.

Be good to yourself mama! Part of feeling sexy is remembering who you are aside from all that you "do". Buy some new perfume or sexy undies...anything to give you a little jolt of being sensual again.

Find some time in your week to do something that brings you pleasure/happiness that is just about you. Filling your tank up makes it a lot easier to give to the others in your life.

Good luck to you

Hi K.,
I've had four children and there is a time period when the body is working toward getting back in order. Your hormones are still trying to function as they once did. Your focus is on the baby. Your brain remembers the birth and the pregnancy even if you don't consciously think it is on your mind. When the baby is about a year old or possibly two years old you will feel more like your own person and you will focus more on your needs. Around that time you will start to want sex again and you will have more energy. You love this man and at some point he will feel good to you again. Give it tme. L.

I've been married 16 years. The sexual feelings come & go. I can tell you that I didn't want sex after having my daughter for quite awhile, at least a year. Becoming a new mommy takes a lot of physical and mental energy, especially when I was breastfeeding. I know I didn't feel right until after I stopped. I was in a brain fog. Keep working on the other aspects of your relationship and try to get enough rest, so that the time you spend with your fiance is quality time. Get a sitter and try to have date nights once/week. Swap babysitting with other moms if it isn't in your budget. Leave the baby at their house for a few hours - while you focus on sensual things with him. Maybe there is a time of day you feel better than others. Good luck.

Hi Krissy!

I have three boys an 18 year relationship and 14 years of marriage.

It almost sounds as though you are resenting him for the more work that has been placed upon you because of the baby. You may not realize this but you are doing this subconsciously. The fact that you can touch him and but he is not allowed to do the same says it all. Yes our priorities change after having children, but you can never allow that little angel to get in between you and you husband. I have been where you are but I tried and never said no to him. Because I knew that my body had gone through something that his did not. You don't want your husband to begin to resent the baby. This should be a joyous time for your little family. Try different things to get you going. Try to remember the time before the baby and take yourself back there!

Good luck!