Breast Cancer - Herndon,VA

I'd be completely honest with the 12 year old and the same with the 5 year old just with less details

My best firend in the world is going through this exact thing right now as well - her surgery is tuesday. first of all the whole genetic thing shouldn't even be a subject for the kids right now. They can't make any decision about ti so why put it in their minds.

Age appropriate information - as antoher post said - the 12 yr old - prepare her for what's known now - 3 surgeries, lots of doctor visits, mom will need help, mom adores you but will not be feeling well, etc. When radiation and/or chemo come up - then talk about that at that time. Putting it all out there now is just too much information for a 12 yr old - unless she asks about it.

As for the 5 yr old - mom is sick an needs an operation to remove the thing in her body that's making her sick. It's going to take a while for mom to feel better - but each day she'll feel a tiny bit better.

Reinforce the love, the support from other family members. Make sure the kids know who will be taking them to school, who will be there at dinner time, who'll help with homework - those are all things that kids stress about - even though it's something we take for granted that will be taken care of by loving family & friends. And remember - aunt & grandmas are good - but it's never the same as mommy. ;o)

Finally - but most importantly -pray! and pray with the kids. God hears our cries and He cares aobut the details of our lives. Jer 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I would talk very openly with the 12 year old. Be honest and factual about what is going on and what may happen in the coming months- chemo, radiation, illness, fatigue... all of it. Then be prepared for any reaction from her b/c it sounds like she has seen mom go through this before and she may need a little time to process it.

As for the 5 yr old, simple facts "Mommy went to the doctor and she needs to have an operation to make her feel better. She is going to be tired a lot after the surgery and probably won't be able to get out of bed for a while. There are going to be a lot of changes in our house, but we will do our best to tell you about them before they happen."

Remind the 12 yr old too not to "share" info with the younger child. Don't hesitate for a second to get both girls involved in a cancer support group b/c they are wonderful and really do help children deal with the range of emotions as well as hearing from other children that they are not "alone".

Best wishes for a full and speedy recovery.

As the others have posted be honest with the 12 year old in terms she can understand. Don't go overboard with descriptions just something like the surgery, the after care treatments and breast reconstruction. Let her know that mom will be tired and emotional but she still loves you very much. Get her a journal so that she can write her feelings down and one day the two of them can go over it together.

As for the 5 year old just that mom needs surgery and after surgery care and treatments. When it is time for reconstruction you can explain that a bit to her. She will not understand all but she does need to be reassured. Perhaps she can draw a few pictures of how she feels and put them in a book.

Once the surgery is over perhaps they can visit mom in hospital to reassure themselves that she is okay. Every child wants to see and know for theirself that what is said is true then they can go on and deal with things. (This goes back to a time when I had a sick parent or two when people would shield you and not telll you anything.)

Oh, mom will need a couple of small travel pillows to put under her arms after surgery for support. Perhaps they can make covers for the pillows or something so that they are involved with the recovery. It will take a family to help mom. Also mom need to contact the local chapter of the Cancer Society for a "sister" to help answer any questions she will have. And yes, mom is going to burst out in tears and cry sometimes at the drop of a hat and it is okay. Just reassure the little especially that it is alright. Otherwise she will worry needlessly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The other S.
Breast Cancer Survivor 14 years in September

PS Just be a good soundboard for her when she wants to talk. You could even get your DIL a journal so that she can write her feelings down as well.

Two issues here - one is DIL's surgery. The other is that the kids will worry about what having the gene themselves means for them. I would be honest but also explain that Mommy is being proactive about her health so that she can be around for them for a long, long time. The 12 year old is going to be thinking about her own breasts and I would get some good therapy advice on this from someone who has dealt with these issues.

I just went through this a little over a year ago. I am 36 years old and also have the gene. My daughter had just turned 4 the week before my surgery and my son was 19 months old. Since my son was too young to understand anything, there really wasn't anything I could tell him, but my daughter is an overly bright, logical, very perceptive child and we had to be straight with her. I remember writing a very similar question right here on Mamapedia in December 2009 when I was diagnosed.

First of all, I want to say that I am sorry that your family is going through this, but I'm living proof that she will get through it. As for what to tell the girls, they should be as honest as possible without overloading them with information that they won't understand. We told our daughter that I had to have surgery and that I would be at the hospital for a few days (we reminded her about how I had to stay at the hospital when her brother was born, but that I would be coming home in just a few days). We told her that it would be a long time before I would be able to pick her or her brother up because I would have boo boos and that they would need to heal. I knew that I had the gene, but we have not discussed that with her yet because she is so young and they won't do any testing until she is an adult and can make that decision for herself anyway. I recommend genetic counseling for the parents. That helped us a lot. I'm not sure at what age we'll really get into the genetic issues related to cancer, so they may want to start that conversation with the 12 year old, but honestly, I think I would wait a bit until the worst is over and she can see that Mom is all better and is going to be fine. Even then, I might wait until the teen years before really getting into it when she can even understand what genetics mean. I think that is going to be a decision they need to make based on how mature their daughter is, but the doctor should have some information about support groups or genetic counseling that can help them steer the conversation to an age appropriate level.

My surgery was 8 hours long. I was pretty nauseous from all of the anesthesia and ended up staying 3 nights in the hospital. I was extremely sore for the first week. I needed help to do EVERYTHING, so the girls will need to understand that Mom is going to have to be in bed resting a lot and that she won't be able to do much for them for awhile. I wasn't able to drive for almost 2 months, but I had some complications that made that timeframe longer than most people. It will be several weeks though, so she should be prepared for that. After all was said and done, I ended up needing chemo as well, so that was a whole new set of conversations to be had (hair loss, sickness, etc). I finished my chemo in August of last year and have completed my reconstruction surgery. I also chose to have my ovaries removed to prevent the possibility of ovarian cancer since I have the gene. I have been through it all and it took an entire year, almost to the day, but I am completely through it now and life is pretty much back to normal. I have had the opportunity to help a number of other people through this experience in the past six months or so since it is still so fresh in my mind (my doctor puts me in touch with new patients my age with young children so that I can share my experiences with them. I've become good friends with one of them, so this experience is a blessing in disguise...it's all in how you look at it I guess). I am happy to talk to your DIL and answer any questions she may have, so if she wants to talk, just send me a private message and I can get you my contact information. I will be praying that all goes well with her sugery and recovery.

Many Blessings,
V.

They should be honest. Obviously the 12 year old will understand a little more and they can use more adult language, but basically, Mommy's breasts have cancer, (or are starting to get sick, show signs of being sick, whatever) so the doctors are going to remove them and give her new ones. Simple - the truth. What is her prognosis? If it is good, they can share that as well. If not so good, they can reserve information in small doses as it is necessary or becomes relevant. Good luck!

Hi D.. I read your post this morning and have been thinking about you all day. I don't really have any advice. I was just compelled to write to you. In 1980 my aunt passed away at age 43 from ovarian cancer. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 months later, at age 37. I was 8 years old. I remember being terrified about the whole thing. I don't remember what the adults told me. My mom survived the breast cancer (she is now 67 years old!) and was diagnosed at age 61 with stage one ovarian cancer. The only reason they even found it was because my cousin (the one who's mother died of ovarian cancer) wanted everyone to be tested for the BRCA1 gene mutation. My cousin has it. My mom has it. My mom decided to voluntarily go in and have her ovaries removed (since her chances of getting ovarian cancer were something like 80%). They found the stage 1 cancer when they took out her ovaries. A hysterectomy and chemo followed. Next month will be 6 years that she has been cancer free. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. It's not the question you asked. I guess I wanted to point out a success story. Also, if your daughter-in-law has not removed her ovaries and uterus please tell her to consider doing so (talk to doctors about it) That gene mutation is a scary thing. Also, now is definitely not the time to worry your granddaughter with the gene info. But as she gets older I would absolutely give her all the information. When my mom tested positive for the mutation and then diagnosed with ovarian cancer I went in to be tested for the mutation as well. I have 2 little girls to worry about. I tested negative - it was one of the happiest days of my life. I still act as if I have a greater than normal cancer risk - can't be too careful. But one thing makes me feel good - I remember saying to the geneticist "So, what about my girls?" and he said "You can't pass on a gene mutation that you don't have" When they are old enough I will tell them the whole story. And while it's more than likely they don't have it, I will tell them to always look for any signs of these terrible cancers. I wish you and your family all the best.

I would start with, Mommy needs your help. God bless all of you.

My prayers are with your DIL & her family as they go thru this. I have a dear friend who went thru this (& Chemo) when her daughter was in 1st grade (the daughter is heading off to college in the fall!)

I agree with the posters who have said to be honest with the kids in terms that they can understand. When I had my hysterectomy, I told my kids (2, 6 & 8 at the time) that the doctor was going to fix Mommy’s tummy and I was going to need their help while I healed. They hardest thing was the 2-year old kept wanting me to pick him up, but the 6 & 8 year old were very helpful around the house. We answered any questions that they had & gave them enough information to help them understand that it was serious, but not enough to scare them.
My prayers are with you all ~ B.

I was the same ages (mom went through it more than once). Tell them the truth in terms that are age appropriate. Trust me, it's so much worse when people aren't forthcoming. A child's mind has the ability to imagine much much worse than what is actually happening. Talk to them OFTEN about it to see how they're feeling. People forgot to do that for me and it left me a 34 year old woman who lost her mom at the age of 9 and is unable to process what happened in an adult way yet.

Tell them what they can do to help mom prepare, what mom will look and feel like after the surgery and how they can help after the surgery. Give them an opportunity to ask questions, cry, and be scared. It's human nature to feel that way and they need to know that people are being honest with them and then they'll know they can be honest with their feelings. You guys will all be OK. It's a process but you'll all be closer and come together because of it. The kids will be thankful you handled it the way you did.

"mommies boobies are making her sick and the doctors are going to be taking mommies boobies away, so they cant make her sick anymore, then, they are going to be giving mommie new boobies, that wont make her sick"
hows that ?
K. h.