Boyfriend Issues - West Warwick,RI

well whatever you do, DO NOT let him spend some time alone with her. She is too young to stick up for herself and defend herself.

If he really wants to change, then he (with you) should start going to parenting classes so he can learn appropriate expectations for kids.

If he won't do this, he's not serious about changing and he needs to go.

Live apart again.
You won't like this advice, and I'm sorry.
This "boy" knows nothing about being a dad yet.
I wouldn't want to see my 6 year old go through years of HIM learning how to be O..
Repeated apologies, without change of behavior, is N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
Good luck to you and your kids.

K., welcome to mamapedia!!!

So you consider cursing at her being good to her? Not in my book! I would broom him. But you are going to stuck with him for the rest of your life because you have a child together.

You are making excuses for him. Every time you make an excuse for him, you are allowing him to continue down this path.

How is apologizing to her helping? It's not. because he is allowed to do it again and again. Just because he apologizes does NOT give him the right to DO IT AGAIN!!! And that's EXACTLY what he does.

I'd stop having babies with him. Tell him we're going to counseling. And if you don't go. You can leave this house. I will NOT put up with this ANYMORE!

Just think about when the daughter you have together gets older - is he going to swear at her as well?

You are NOT his mother. You aren't even his wife. So if he won't go to counseling - then broom him. You and your children deserve better. Stop making excuses for him. Stop letting him apologize time and time again.

Stand up for your daughter(s). Stand up for yourself. Demand better. If he's not willing to change, then broom him.

It would take exactly one time for a boyfriend to curse AT my daughter and he would be an EX-boyfriend. You have to look out for your daughter, she is counting on you.

You moved in with a man who gets mad and starts cursing at your young daughter? Why would you move in with someone who treats your child like that?

Your daughter is not "like a sister," she is your child...she needs you to be her mother, not her big sister. Your boyfriend is NOT her father, not your husband and has zero rights to her. She is barely his responsibility, and I fail to understand why you would want someone who gets angry and curses at your daughter to spend time ALONE with her. What I'd do is move out or move him out..

This may sound harsh, but he needs to learn to treat your daughter with respect or he needs to go.
Your daughter comes first.
You MUST consider your kids FIRST before ANY man when it comes to being a single mom.
Even if he IS the father of one of your children. There is no ring on your finger. There is no forever (in theory) bond there. There is with your child. And if he does not stop this you must put your foot down.

This may sound harsh - but you need to find your mama-bear.

If you won't stand up for your daughter - who will?

I don't think it is an issue of he doesn't know how to do it, he doesn't want to do it.

Please get yourself some counseling.

wow i want my boyfriend to treat my daughter as his own or i wouldnt consider a future with him. i cant imagine cursing at a 6 year old and playing rough with her (im not sure what rough is to you, so i'm going off that he curses AT HER (i don;t think cursing in front of a kid is so bad, but at them is horrible) that its not an appropriate rough) I would reevaluate how much he contributes to the relationship and if he's willing to change, and if its the kind of man you want your daughter to one day marry, because chances are she will if that's what she knows

Sign both of you up for a parenting class. Not a one-time seminar -- an ongoing class with a trained, reputable leader who has done this a LOT. It may be a group class; if that is an issue for BF, then find one-on-one parenting training, or couples counseling. Do not try to "fix" him by yourself because you cannot. He must be open to a third party telling him where he is in error and ways to change; if he cannot accept that, he needs to go. If he takes the course or does the counseling but then backslides or says "Aw, I only did that to please you," he needs to go.

If he is "talking to her like (she's) a 13 year old now," what will he be saying to her when she really is 13? Can you see how his presence and his treatment of her (cursing, not being gentle with her, etc.) are going to cause her to grow up too fast?

The fact you say he's "not gentle" is very troubling. What does that really mean? Do you realize how that may upset her and make her fear him and wonder why you aren't preventing his "not gentle" approaches to her? Does it worry you that he has no idea of the boundaries of gentleness toward a young child?

He only see his own biological child "because of the mother"? Not because he wants any real relationship with his own son? That is a huge red flag that he is really not interested in children. In women, yes, but not in the children he produces or for whom he is expected to act as a father (your six-year-old). I know you probably don't want to deal with his ex, but for your own children's sake, why aren't you pushing him to be a real dad to his older son?

He seems very immature. His immaturity is a potential deal-breaker. Unless you can get him to see this, accept outside help, and then alter his ways permanently -- including being a father to his older son, which will put his ex into all your lives regularly -- he may not be worth keeping. Sorry to say it, but the children come first. Most man-boys don't really want to change and be responsible. Will he step up if you tell him it's a deal-breaker, or will he just half-heartedly pretend to do so?

ditto to what Beth said. :)

I would also like to recommend parenting classes for both of you. If he's not willing to learn how to be a better parent, then it's time for him to go.....

Have you ever considered joining your local church groups? Just a thought. Another positive influence would be your school's PTO...& I'm suggesting this since you both have 6 yo children.

& most importantly, don't fall into the habit of making excuses for his adult behavior. While his childhood may have been lacking, he needs to accept that he...alone...is responsible for today's behavior & actions.

Several red flags here: "he doesn't know how to be gentle & won't spend time with her alone". If he doesn't trust himself, doesn't embrace change - other than to comply with your requests....then there's some serious head issues going on here. It's up to him to learn to be a better man...& father. Good Luck to you & your family.

Let him go until he goes to parenting classes and counseling. There is no way your 6 year old should be cursed at by anyone. It doesn't matter what his history is. Having grown up in a what ever circumstance doesn't give you a right to take your anger or fustration out on a 6 year old.

Unless you want to see your grandchildren being cursed at by any guy or worse, change your daughters present and change the future for you all.

He isn't really trying because he doesn't have the resources within himself to change. He must seek outside help.

Think of it this way. If a police officer or judge were standing right there would he still be cursing at your 6 year old, probably not.

Get out until he gets help and truly changes which is marked over time. 2 1/2 years would be perfect time to see the change. Lasting change takes time.

I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

My vote: Counseling and parenting classes.

It sounds like you have a guy who wants to do the right thing and who wants to be there for you and the children, but does not have the skills to do it.

My husband and I are "older" and grew up with married parents. We are "mature" and had good role models. I have a masters degree in education - AND ITS STILL REALLY HARD to be the kind of parents we want and to treat each other the way we are supposed to.

Your BF is doing the best he can with the skills he has. My vote - counseling and parent classes.

In the meantime - do either of you have a male friends (who are good parents) who have daughters the same age as your daughter? Maybe you could encourage a daddy/daughter play date or other outings.

Have your BF come to functions where there are lots of other 6 year old girls and he can start getting an idea of what to expect out of them.

If he WONT do counseling and parenting classes - get rid of him.

Good luck!

You can kick him out or you can take your children and move out. He's not ready to be a parent to his own children, let alone your older daughter.

As a mother your job isn't to be your daughters' friend or sister but their MOTHER and protector. He's being abusive to your 6 year old and all you're doing is confronting him when you know he isn't really changing his attitude or his behavior. That means it's time for YOU to take action. No ultimatums. No threats. Just do what's best for your children that will get him to stop being abusive, and that means getting him out of your home.

I also wouldn't be so certain that he hardly sees his son "because of the mother." I would bet anything that that's just what he told you... he's the victim and can't see his son because it's not his choice. He'd be the best father if only the evil shrew of an ex would "let" him. Right. Just look at how he treats your daughter to get the truth.

Do you really want to be around a person that talks to your daughter like that?

Do you really want to be around a person that disrespects you and your child?

Think about the future with him...... Does he treat you this way, also?

You can take parenting classes to learn more appropriate behavior.

Why would you want to leave your daughter alone with someone you say "doesn't know how to be gentle with her," doesn't talk to her age appropriately, and curses at her?

The other question would have been, why would you want to bring someone into your happy family that doesn't feel compelled to spend time with his own child and had a problematic upbringing? Too late for that now.

You should both go to parenting classes. He needs to go to anger management classes. Post signs around your home on how to deal with conflict: Talk it out, ask for help, walk away, wait and cool off, etc. Get yourselves some family counseling.

Good luck!

It seems like he's open to suggestions, so why don't you see if he will attend a parenting class with you.

K.,
Just let me tell you having a blended family is one of the hardest things you can go through...It takes patience,confidence,willingness to change,except change,expect resistance,recentment and never-ending issues with exes and most off jealousy...adults and children alike..Ok,your ex has a little boy from a previous relationship that he has no set schedule for visitation(why not go to court and give that child some consistancy?)because of the mother is not good enough to me,if he is fit to do so,he needs to step-up and have set visitation.....You said you and daughter are like sisters,thats cool but it might be confusing for boyfriend because if he is to be her step-father it is very neccessary for him to discipline as well..this is where she will learn to respect him...him cursing at her has to stop yesterday(how he grew up may have been hard)but thats not your daughters problem...men only comprehend things for a week thats true,but for the long run and for your family's sake,set boundries and mean it....for your SO and your daughter...consistancy is so key all around the board,everyone needs to know their place in the family...and it starts with the two of you..do not make him feel like an intruder,

thank you all so much for the helpful feedback, its nice to acctually hear from an outsider. I stand up for her in every way i dont let him put me or her down i talk to her after every incident. Ive gotten him to go to court about his son and he has but like you all said seems like he dont change and its hard. I would take a beaten for my children thank god he is not abusive in that way just more verbal. I will talk to him about the counceling and give it a try if he is willing but if not i know and will let him go.

Updated

When i say gentle i mean speaking her her not physically .. i address everything as it happens and using sisters as an example to show the bond we have. I do my mother duties to teach her and i talk to her about every situation as him as well. I talked to him last night about it all and he was about to cry because he is trying and wants to be better!

I agree he has anger issues and lacks parenting skills. Maybe he doesn't see his own child because of the mother, but maybe it's him too, you know? You said yourself, he doesn't know how to parent. The cursing is unacceptable and will damage her. You need to be her mother and NOT HER BEST FRIEND!! You can and should be close, but you are not peers. You say he talks to her like she is 13 and you can't stand it, but you say she is like your sister. Think about that! She needs to be SIX and not your sister.

(If she doesn't listen to you because you are not an authority figure, you need to rethink a few of your own parenting techniques - not that kids don't listen to any parent at some point as of course we all have this problem. But if you are not authoritative and he is overly authoritarian, then I'm wondering if she's afraid of him?) You moved in with and had a baby with someone who, for 2.5 years, hasn't managed to bond with your child. As someone else said, too late now - but it's not too late to develop some skills. I think it's good that he won't spend time with her alone - he's telling you that he's not comfortable, and I'm guessing she isn't either. If the "not gentle" means "rough" then you have a huge problem that needs addressing.

He can't change if he doesn't know how, and you can't change him just by confronting him. People need to know what new techniques to substitute for the ones that don't work. And whatever he's doing now with the two 6-year-olds is going to play out later on with the baby.

You both need some professional help and there's a lot available. There is no shame is seeking counseling - strong people are willing to ask for help, and weak people refuse and think they can always do it themselves. It's just not so. Get this family on the right track by giving everyone the necessary skills, not just in parenting but also between the two adults. You cannot fix this yourself, and neither can he. The sooner you seek advice, the better it will be for everyone concerned.

If you don't know a counselor, ask your pediatrician for a referral to a family counselor. Or consult your town's office of Family & Children's Services.

Good luck!

Are you objecting to the cursing when it happens or after? I don't know how to change him but I do know that if you let him treat your daughter that way and don't defend her in a way that she can see, you are damaging your relationship with her at a very young age.