Boundaries

I think exactly what you said is perfect. I really like you, but knock it off or I am done. That says it all.

It's obvious that she just doesn't get it and no amount of telling her is going to make her understand that not all mother/daughter relationships are going to be like hers.

You need to tell her that if she won't leave it alone, you will leave her alone.

Then you need to follow through and leave her alone. Don't call her, don't email her don't stop by her house, don't answer when she calls, don't open the door to her.

If she realizes that she screwed up and gives it up then tell her "Thank you for understanding how I feel" and resume the friendship.

Good luck.

I, too, have an estranged relationship with both of my parents. Haven't spoken to my father in 11 years, and my relationship with my mother is cordial, at best. I, like you, also suffered from an abusive childhood though not as extreme as yours. However, I can completely sympathize and relate to you. I honestly think the people that try to "reconnect" us to our parents think that they are being kind and somehow doing us a favor. I don't think they understand what a long, hard road it was to get to the place we are now. It almost feels like a betrayal when you confide in someone, just to have them think that the best resolution would be to reconcile. I've come to understand that if you haven't come from that background you simply cannot relate to me where this issue is concerned.

I don't know if I really have advice for you, so I'll just tell you what I have done and perhaps you'll get something from it that you can use in your own way.

I have stood my ground firmly. I've told them that I'm a good person DESPITE how I was treated, and I did it all on my own. If I met someone and didn't like how I was treated, that would not be acceptable and I would not expose myself to them. So why should I now be expected to expose myself to the people that were supposed to protect me, yet were in fact the ones who did so much damage? If I was abused by a stranger, people wouldn't expect me to forgive them and allow them in my life, why should my parents be given that privilege? I didn't get to choose my childhood, but I certainly earned the right to choose how I live as an adult.

I've had this conversation with friends and family. I've found that the more "nicely" it's delivered, the less effective it is. It's only when I'm very matter of fact and stern that people generally back off. I also tell them that I won't apoligize if that hurt their feelings, because they are hurting mine when they continue to insist on what is best for me.

I wish you all the best. And even though I don't know you I'm proud of how far you've come! I know what it took to get you where you are!

From one survivor to another:)

I feel like we're all saying the same and it's just finding the lingo that suits you. I know when I've had people try to help me rekindle relationships I don't want I just tell them that they are "toxic" people and that I don't need anymore negative/troublesome influences in my life. I choose to keep positive and uplifting people around my family and that goes for everyone. You can't change other people just protect yourself from them. Good luck getting this point across. I used to be like your friend until I'd had someone speak to me this way and now I just get it. God Bless you and your strength.

Yeah you're exactly right. This IS about boundaries. You need to exercise your good boundaries and tell your friend to knock it off. Seems to me she has minimized in her mind all the harm your mother did to you. Ask your friend if she actually believes what you have told her about your childhood, because if she says she believes you then you need to ask her why in the world she would try to push this person back into your life. Some people just cannot believe that a person would treat their child those ways you have described your mother treated you; perhaps she finds you oversensitive? Could that possibly be it? No matter what, you are right to tell her to stop budding into your business. A good friend listens to her friend, she doesn't try to control her friend. Good luck with this one. She is probably working on your relationship with your mother because it is easier than the relationship she herself should be working on. This is all about her avoidance, and her lack of boundaries.

I am so sorry to hear about the pain and suffering that you have gone through! How horrible!

I, thankfully, am more in your "friend's" shoes, but I can't imagine what she is putting you through. A true friend should respect your wishes and drop it. I think all you can do is tell her flat out. If you haven't told her your story, consider doing so. If you have, it's time she gets a wake up call! I hope for the sake of your friendship that she will "get it." Good luck!

Hi there,

I've dealt with a similar situation. I have a sibling who I am estranged from and I have no-none-nada desire to be in contact with. I do have friends make comments about how I should call this person, get over it, blah blah blah.

I would say this to your friend the next time she brings it up: "While I appreciate your concern, I have thought long and hard about being in contact with my mother. To not talk to her is a conscious decision I've made, and one I do not regret at this time. I realize you and I have had very different life experiences, so it's probably hard for you to understand where I am coming from, but this is not a decision I've made lightly. It bothers me to have to talk about my mom, so I don't want you to bring her up again."

If she keeps bringing it up after that, then I would just distance yourself from her. I don't think I would "break up" with this friend, but I would for sure put some distance between you. Hopefully after a cooling off period she would drop it. Good luck.

I am SO sorry! I have a great mom and I also find it almost unfathomable to not want to be in contact with your mom. But after reading what she did to you, I totally understand. I guess there are exceptions to every rule and I think what she did is totally unforgiveable!!! I think you just need to sit down and talk to this friend about what she did to you. If she really understands that your mom is not a good person and will not do anything good for your life, she will stop trying so hard to keep you together.

S., you don't mention if you talked to your friend about what happened with your mom? Either way, you just need to tell her that in no uncertain terms you will never have a relationship with your mother again. You have made the decision and you are at peace with yourself about it. It would have been nice to grow up in a "normal" family, if that exists, but you did not. You suffered and continue to suffer because of how you were treated. You need to tell your friend that you will not turn around and have a pleasant relationship with dear old mom just because she feels it may be best for you two to air things out. You don't care WHY your mother hurt you and even her sincerest apologies won't fix it anymore. She needs to give it a rest or you will need to stop seeing her as well. You need to be honest and you need to be strong. If your friend cannot see how uncomfortable this makes you then you need to be very specific about it. If she still persists than you need to cut her out of your life because she is causing distress.

I completely sympathize with you. I haven't had a relationship with my mother in over 6 yrs. My grandma always says I need to talk to her etc. I get so frustrated because no one understands what it is like. They just think "oh that's your mom, you have to talk to her." If it were my friend, I'd say "look, I'm sure u mean well, but I don't appreciate u getting involved. You didn't experience what I did growing up o you can never understand what it feels like. " Something like that

Hi S. -

First off I think that even if you had a storybook childhood, if you don't want to have contact with your mom that's your decision and no one else's. Second, if you really want to maintain this friendship, I think that blunt honesty is the only way to go. If she STILL doesn't get it, then it may be necessary to wish her the best and move on.

I hope that she sees the light and you get to keep your friend and your peace!

K.

I understand your difficult situation. Similar issues with my father. Anyway, I would tell your friend exactly what you have said here. Tell her the consequences of her actions. If she cares for you as her friend she will bide by your wishes. If she keeps hounding you...she's not that great of a friend. Limit contact until/unless she gets it. I know it can be hard to make good friends but after awhile fo not hearing from you, it may sink in. Hope this helps!

I understand. There is no way anyone could force me to be all buddy-buddy with my abusive stepfather. At least in my case he has been trying to be nice and reaching out himself, however I wrote him a letter saying how I felt and he never responded or apologized for anything.

As for your friend, I don't know what to say. Perhaps if she really wants to help so much, you could tell her to confront your mother about it. She could say "I'm S.'s friend and I found out about the relationship between you two. She has had many problems because of how things were in her childhood. I want to fix things between the two of you so you can have an actual relationship with your daughter. But the only way this can happen is if you can confront the things you did as a parent and possibly see things from her point of view."

If she did this then your mother would get confronted on the issue but you wouldn't have anything to do with it. And it would then be up to your mother to make the move to fix things between you. This puts you in a position of power because if she crosses the line, you can keep her out of your life entirely. Going through with this sort of thing, provided your friend wanted to, could end up making everyone happy. And if things didn't work out, you could say that you tried and your friend would finally understand.

Then again, no one should hold it against you if you just can't bring yourself to even think about reconciling with your mom. You will just have to be firm with your friend if this is the path you choose.

Oh, S.! I am so sorry this is happening! Even though this friend is seemingly well meaning, what she is doing is manipulating. I would tell her exactly what you posted, "Let it go or we're done". Some people don't get a clue unless you say it as plainly as possible. It's not her job to reconcile you and your mom. It can ONLY be your choice and if she can't understand it then she needs to keep her opinions to herself. You may be better off without such a controlling friend in your life anyway.
Stand strong!

I can understand where you are coming from. I was in an abusive relationship, but not the same kind. Every time you see the person you get that flight or fight response; your pulse races you feel gittery and can feel physically ill. I know your friend may have the best intentions because she has a good family, but you need to explain how you feel to her and that if she doesn't lay off you cannot be friends with her any more.
One more thing I have to ask is have you ever thought about actually seeing her or confronting her? This is not to have a relationship but to be able put some closure on it and be able to move on. I don't know what your therapist says about it, but some say that it is good for you to be able to face your abuser. It gives you a sense that you are strong and you can face this or anything. It's a thought.

you just tell her. flat out. in a calm rational way. tell her simply this (in any choice of words you need or want to use):
i know that you have a great relationship with your mom, and i understand why you would want me to have that. i know you are just trying to help, but there are deeper issues here than can just forgave and forgot. you dont sound like you understand the pain and hurt i went through growing up, and i dont expect you to. i want you to know that i love you as a friend, and i love you for wanting me to have the relationship with my mother that you have, but right now it is not going to happen.
IF in the future i ever decide that i am ready to try to contact or make a relationship with my mom, i will let you know and i will need your help and support. until that time, please stop pushing me to try to create a relationship that i cant possibly deal with right now.

does that sound good? i know talking face to face with her means more, but i suppose you could write her a note as well or something.

if she is a religious person, you could ask her to simply pray for you and your mother (even if you dont like her - shes just a sinner the same as you and deserves prayer just as much as you) not to be reconsiled, but just for healing, or whatever you feel a prayer for you would be.

good luck. its hard - i can understand where shes coming from, i have a good relationship with my mom too, but i completely understand why you do not wish to pursue a relationship with her. and you dont have to. i have heard that forgiving a person is healing for the forgivER, you still dont ever have to speak with your mother again. you can only deal with what you can deal with. you grew up to be a woman who knows herself and can mother 3 children better than you were mothered right? so your childhood, though tragic, wasnt a complete waste. im betting you cherish your children more than some because of what you went through. you are alive, and it might be helpful to forgive, (i stress that this doesnt make what happened to you right, or acceptable, or fair, or anything. it just helps you let go of it. perhaps you already have. dont let me tell you to do something that you have already done, or dont want to do!)

though i want to stress that you arent crazy, and you arent doing anything wrong in your life, you might find comfort dealing with the situation with a counselor to heal yourself. like i said about forgiveness, maybe you already have or just dont want to, thats OK! it never has to be about reconsiliation with your mom, but to heal yourself inside. it might be painful to talk about the things you experienced, but like a friend of mine has discovered, as painful as talking about it might be, the comfort you get from the help of a counselor talking you through it is immeasurable. so if you ever felt like that was a route you needed to take, for YOU, take it! :D

anyway in this situation it is important that you do what is best for you. im sure there is fear for your own children if you brought her back into your life. that is understandable and fair considering what you went through. you arent crazy. just looking at the brief description of your experience, i would feel the same way about my mother, of course. im sure your friend just wants you to have what she has with her mom. thats understandable too. but its just not in the cards for you in your life. i dont know, maybe you have someone who feels like a mother to you. maybe you have just your friends. people get by without mothers at all because they have died. maybe in the future you will feel differently. maybe you wont. either way, i hope your friend backs off for the sake of your relationship. if not, do not feel afraid to stop answering phone calls, stop scheduling time together, and just stop you know? you have every right, and maybe she would understand that over time, and i hope that if this happens, and she does later apologize or something, i hope your friendship could be mended.

but most importantly, and absolutly; do what YOU feel is best for you and your family. you've obviously come a long way from your childhood and you have children of your own. you have to do what is best for them, and you! you can honor her inside for giving you life, and still hate her for all eternity for the way she treated you. theres nothing wrong with that, and i see it as perfectly acceptable considering the circumstances. i dunno. ive kinda blabbed on and on and on about it, but i hope ive helped some.
good luck, and best wishes to you in your future! :D

wow...i feel your frustrations....you just need to tell her-point blank-its not gonna happen..went thru the same growing up-was my creepy stepdad...blek..my mom passed 10 yrs ago-yea hes still alive..i have nothing to do with him or family get togethers anymore because hes there-always finds a way to attack...hes a cripple now..oh well...on my wedding day-was 4 months preg.with 2nd one...this creep punched me in the back of my head accussing me of being high on weed...then slapped my 8 month old son across the face at a family reunion-not one person in my family of 9 kids stepped up to the plate for us.i stayed away for yrs.i kept trying,but in the last 3 yrs.i just gave up-i talk to my older sis now an again,thats it.my siblings overlook his bad behavior-my kids are grown an see it for themselves an have nothing at all to do with any of them.years of therapy-never cured the hate-told my older sis-i stay away-simply because one more attack...im attacking back...and that would be 45 yrs of back hatred coming out...tell your friend to back off-not all of us had the luxury of such great parents.i wish you well...keep moving forwards an just keep it in your head-she cant hurt you anymore.take care.

Try one more point blank discussion. Tell her that your mother is a dangerous and sick person. There is no possible way to have a safe and loving relationship with her and that for the safety of your daughter you can not under ANY circumstances reestablish a relationship with her. Explain that you would love to have a loving mother/grandmother figure in your and your daughter's life and ask her help in finding a safe, sane person to fill that role (maybe her own mother).

I would just say this to your friend. "You know what, I've told you over and over that I don't want to reunite with my Mom, so please don't bring it up again, thank you".
Seriously, if she doesn't get that, then she needs to get a clue, and you need to find a new friend.
Best wishes,
J.

I agree with the other ladies...what you posted was pretty powerful. I'm sure you've tried diplomacy with her and obviously that's not working. I have to believe that if you say to her what you've written here, she should get it, or she's just too dense. LIfe is too short to have those toxic people in your life. Even if it's your mom.

Keep this simple. You don't need this right now. I don't think that your friend who wants to bring you together understands. Keep it simple. You have every RIGHT to not ever be ready to reunite with your mom.

Be VERY blunt- she needs to respect your wishes- tell her to drop it or your friendship is done. Maybe not the best friend to have if she has already taken it this far. There is no reason for you to be in contact with your mother unless YOU choose to be. STAY STRONG!!

I would tell her what you said at the end of your request, Knock it off. Tell her if she doesn't you don't want to be friends with her anymore.

S.,

I grew up in an environment very similar to yours. I did have contact with my parents as an adult, although it was very difficult and limited. Shortly after my second child was born, I decided I had to confront my parents about what happened to me as a child. I was also seeing signs that they were trying to find ways to do to my children what they did to me and the maternal instincts kicked in hard.

I told my father he couldn't have contact with my children unless I had conformation from a therapist that it was safe to do so. My mother gets 3 days of supervised visitation per 18 months and both my husband and I must be supervising the whole time because she tries stuff when he isn't around. You can probably imagine the response. My father decided I wasn't worth having in his life because "I" was too messed up. Then I got a lot of pressure from family members - how could you do that? You alienated your children from your grandfather? Can't you just forgive and ask him to forgive you and we can pretend nothing ever happened? He's changed - he's not like that anymore! Why would you make up such awful lies about your parents? You get the picture.

I stood my ground and have never regretted it for a moment. If you are really done with the relationship with your mother, you need to tell your friend firmly that you just can't do it and won't do it and she needs to stop pressuring because it is threatening your relationship with her. Looking at if from your friend's perspective, she probably cannot fathom what you went through. She is projecting her childhood onto yours and can't see why you don't have a relationship. Or she has romanticized it into this petty teenage arguement that will be forgotten once you get together. You may have to give her enough specifics so she gets the picture.

One piece of unsolicited advice: One of the hardest pieces of the puzzle is when kids start asking about their grandparents. I asked a therapist how to handle this one. She strongly emphasized that I not demonize my parents - and I agree because it will backfire on me in ways I can't imagine. When my children asked, I said, "We have rules in our house about trying our best to treat each other nicely. Your grandpa says he doesn't want to come visit because he doesn't like those rules. It is his choice." When my kids ask specific questions about my relationship with my parents, I give brief answers that are appropriate for their age level. I don't give too many specifics or see it as an open door to rant or use my children as a therapist. If they really want the whole story as adults, maybe I will give it to them, I don't know. But I am not going to drop the burden on them of hating their grandparents because of what happened before they were even born.

The silver lining in all this is that we get to be the mothers now. We get to give our children what wasn't given to us. For me, there is a great healing in that.

Best wishes to you,
S.

I have had a similar experience. People who grew up in home with loving supportive parents do not understand those of us who did not. It sounds as though you have done everything possible to explain to your friend that yur Mom was not the loving supportive Mom she had.
Your friend needs to learn about boundries. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms "I do not wish to see my Mom". If she persists then hang up on her, or tell her to leave your home. Tell her I can not pursue a friendship with you if you cannot respect my boundries, so drop it or don't call me or visit me again.