Hi there-- I am having a really hard time with this one. Lately my daughter has been saying things like, "I look fat" or "You look a little fat". I'm having a very hard time seeing where exactly this is coming from. I come from an Italian background and love food! She and I both have naturally slim builds, we eat healthy foods (and dessert), excercise, I don't diet, I never talk about my weight or how my body looks-- definitely not in front of her, I don't know what it could be. Maybe barbies? But she doesn't even play with them all that much...
The latest was she put on a hooded pullover sweatshirt (that isn't fitted) and she never wants to wear and announced that she looked fat. She is very opinionated on what she wears and I have to admit I am too but could that cause the beginnings of these kind of issues??
I would love some advice or info on any resources I could tap into or books I could read her that promote healthy body image.
Thank you!!
Every time she says that, say "Hey! Let's list 5 things you like" or "Its time to write down 3 things you are really good at". None of it can be about what she looks like (I like clothes that don't make me look fat...that type of thing). That way you can take the focus off her outward appearance and channel it toward her mind and heart.
Watch everything she's watched (including commercials... which are rife with 'Does this make me look fat?', 'slimfast', 'weight watchers', etc on children's channels (one has to assume, marketing towards their mothers)... and I'm sure you'll find dozens of references.
Pop on over to the school... and you'll find dozens more.
Just listen in daily life (family, friends, radio, even standing in front of the mirror choosing and outfit as you smooth certain things, don't like the cut that day and try another) and there are scores of references to being fat.
Where she's getting it from is horses & barns at this point; it's there.
2 ways I go about it with my own son:
1) Fashion as art. No matter what your body type there are things which will look stunning on you, and things which will look dreadful. ((Disguise &/or spy shows is one way I go about it with my son... watching the same actor in the same body look like 6 entirely different people just from their clothing/ walk/ stance/ facial expression can be quite a fun thing to do)).
2) Cultural differences. In THIS country being called fat is an insult. In some countries, it is the height of beauty. Looking at different forms of beauty across the globe (and really, truly finding beautiful things in what someone else finds beautiful) can be fascinating. National Geographic is a fantastic tool. From the 'outlandish' (women who brace their necks may look freakish... but look closely... look at the patterns and fine detailing in the metal, the choice of colors and layers to create an overall effect) to the opposite of ours (immensely fat women in certain areas of africa -I can't say specific countries, as beauty standards vary by regions within countries, and stay the same across political boundaries in other... the incredible smoothness and perfect proportion of a rounded shoulder, the ... esp. in contrast to the sick/starving/dying) to the color & cut choices of western culture but different nations (I cringe at E European male casual colors until I shake myself loose, and have to shift my brain into gear not to think women's "modest & feminine" in the balkans as "trampy"... it's NOT trampy, it's just a different version of demure than I'm used to seeing HERE. Just like women in America aren't all tramps because we don't cover our hair.)...
ANYHOW, my son and I have periodically gone over many different cultural things... (it actually started when he was about 4 because he was trying to complement a fat woman on her good luck, after spending a great deal of time with family friend who was trying very very hard to just put ON 30lbs before a wedding)... so when something pops up, I still occasionally (at age 8) have to ask him what culture we're in right now.
She is 5 and she might be getting this from school.
Just talk to her and tell her that God made us all special and that we all come in different sizes and shapes.
Keep telling her that she is beautiful and that you love her.
I wish you the best with this.
Advertisements (commercials, printed, billboards, store mannequins, etc) are a huge issue with how girls feel about themselves... as are some of the more skanky dolls like Bratz, Moxies, and Monster High Dolls. Barbies are at least covered where it counts and don't have cleavage or butt cheeks showing in how they are dressed.
I try to limit TV to 24/7 Nick jr... no commercials makes a HUGE difference! Disney, PBS, Sprout - all have commercials.
I agree with watching what she watches. Even the move Tangled has a line where the mom sings "you're getting kinda chubby" and she touches the G. under her chin. Im no prude but that is just irresponsible. I def used it as an opening for talking about body-image and using our words for good.
My daughter just turned 6 and is the same way. She says she does not want to get fat and always wants to be skinney. She is very particular is what she wears and how her hair looks and clothes looks and makes sure she is matching from head to toe. She tells me she does not want to have kids like me because it made me have an ugly stomache with stretch marks and that I need cream that she saw on tv to remove them....she also told me about proactive since I tend to break out during my cycle and told me I could order it and it would take away my pimples. She has a small mole under her armpit and she told me she wants it cut off because it is ugly.
I just talk to her about how everyone is different from bodies, color, shapes, sizes and etc. I keep talking with her and letting her know that it is not nice talking about people like this or thinking about herself like this. That she is a kid and does not need to worry about things like this. It is a phase and you will get through it just keep talking with her.
IMO we live in a culture where the media is heavily saturated with advertising and other visual messages that tell us that we're not thin enough. I think I'd explain to her that "healthy" and "thin" are not the same thing, that different people have different body types and a healthy body is one that gets balanced nutrition and exercise. Check with your local library/children's librarian for recommendations for books on the subject.
Keep an eye out for what she's seeing on TV. So many commercials talk about women ... and men... being fat and how they lose weight. We often overlook how much our kids are taking in from those commercials, but they do impact our children. Even many of the shows now are based on people losing weight. At five, your daughter isn't able to make the distinction between those people who truly have a weight problem and need to lose and herself (or you). She just lumps it all into an idea that everyone has a problem and that you need to start working on it.
Hi Mama,
I agree with the other mamas that said this is message is ubiquitous in out society. From your description, I would not assume she actually feels badly about herself even when she says she's fat. I may be wrong, but it sounds like she is exploring the idea of what it means. It is a good opportunity for you to address it directly. I would emphasize that image is not important. More of an "even if I was fat, I don't care because I'm capable and compassionate and that is more important". Good luck! For me, this is the most terrifying part of raising our children!
