Body Image and My 11 Year Old Girl

It's very common at this age. My SD is petite and in great shape from year-round martial arts (she's 14, 5'3", 115 lbs, size 0 or 2) and even she was self-conscious about her body for a few years. When she was 11/12 she went through a phase when she dressed like a homeless man - oversize plaid flannel shirts, very picky about pants and shorts, etc. She was a strikingly pretty girl who dressed hideously. I think that at that age it was about hiding breast development and curves - she just wasn't comfortable with starting to look like a woman instead of an child. Some of my friends' daughters would wear three tank tops instead of a bra as their own form of denial about growing up. Others had girls in baggy clothes year round.

All I can say is that they all seemed to outgrow this phase. By 7th grade, these girls started to show an interest in fashion and were able to wear flattering (even feminine!) clothes more easily. My SD still has some hangups about things but slowly she's starting to take some risks and wear cute, funky things again. In a couple of years, most of her peers will have caught up in terms of size and development. In the meantime, try to not make a big deal out of it - she's got a lot of changes ahead of her in the next couple of years and the only way through it, is through it.

ETA: If she doesn't do a sport or something physical like dance, try to find a physical outlet that she will enjoy. My SD never did dance or played a team sport (which is a shame) but she completed her black belt in Karate a couple of years ago. Since then, she's been doing kickboxing and even traditional boxing regularly at a local boxing gym and I think that not only is it great exercise, but doing something where a girl can see her own strength and coordination grow is very empowering and can make her appreciate the power of her own body and see it as a source of strength, not something to be ashamed of or hide. If she doesn't do anything regularly now, see what she's interested in or find something for the two of you to do together (even yoga or Zumba). If she can start something with a friend, even better!

Let her talk to you about it whenever she wants to. Don't invalidate her feelings or talk her out of them. Let her feel them. They are normal. Be a good listener.
Then reassure her of the truth that she isn't just her body. She's a whole person. A beautiful person. Genetics play a huge role and she can do only what's in her control. Keep telling her how special she is on the inside and how much you love her.
Help her get really good at something she loves. I have a daughter going through the same thing. It's hard.

I am in the same boat with my 12yr old grangirl that is my DD for all intents & purposes, she has been with us since 2 mts., this was something new to me as my 4 DD's never seemed to have this problem.

I purposely shop with her & we 'agree' on clothing together, I point out to her why this fits & looks better than that & she then picks something out along that line. My DH constantly tells her how beautiful she is. Recently we put her in a local pageant, she loved it, she did well tho' not a win.

My probs/her probs are not sitting/standing up straight so I showed her in the mirror how standing & sitting straighter makes your entire body slimmer, especially that tummy ( I have ALWAYZ had a tummy!) I KNOW how that is!

Bigger clothing actually makes you bigger not smaller, there is a show on TLC or Style that takes women who dress 'bigger', etc. & transform them, I think the 'show me' thing is your best bet, maybe take a few pics with the sweats & then some with some new, better fitting clothes on the same day & then put them on the puter & let HER see the difference it makes. Let her 'do' her nails, hair, etc., help her to see the beauty that is hers.

Good luck!

Hi, K.. I have an 11 year old girl too and it's a tough time, isn't it? They didnt' give a darn about appearance and now....

Please run out and get "The Body Book for Girls" from American Girl. I know, she may not be into AG books or dolls etc, but AG's series of books about girls' issues are great. Many girls get this book around 8 to 10, so she may already have it, but if she does not, get it for her. It is aimed at building confidence. Another AG book she might like if she is interested in, but now a bit scared of, clothes is "The Smart Girl's Guide to Style" which emphasizes creating your OWN personal style and not following the crowd. Take care that she doesn't think "You're giving me this because you think I have no style!" It's hard to approach with girls this age! AG books also are very accepting of all body types and have a lot to say to girls about not following media messages about "perfect" bodies.

Is she in Girl Scouts? If so, tell her leader. The leader might want to work with the girls on activities about body image (and yes, GS does have program materials to help the leader do just that). The leader of course should not tell your child you talked to her -- it should just seem to come up!

Do your schools have the program Girls On The Run? It's an extracurricular program run at schools by paid parent coaches and the emphasis is on health and positive body image and yes, the girls run at least one race a year (for distance and not speed, I believe--it's not about being fast, it's about being healthy). We do not particpate but I know a lot of families that do.

Don't mention her belly as part of the motivation for doing these things but let her just absorb what the books or activities have to say to her. Keep her away from TV (which only reinforces skinny body images, if it's commercial TV) and be sure she has lots of friends around because that helps her know they value her for herself.

I feel for you both and will be rooting for you!

I am going through the same thing with my 10-year-old, who isn't even big and her belly isn't that big either.

Besides letting her know how beautiful she is, it has helped her for me to go shopping with her and help her pick out clothes that accentuate her best features. When she tries on a top that really looks good, she doesn't even think about her belly. You know that feeling when you find the outfit that looks good on you?

As a young kid you don't know how to dress, you just are worried about your bad features showing so baggy clothes seem like a good solution. YES feeling good about yourself is on the inside--but c'mon, who are we fooling? When we look our best on the outside we can feel good about ourselves as well.

My daughter has a number of nice clothes that we picked out together that look great on her! Some accentuate her beautiful green eyes, others are fun colors. I never hear anything about her belly when she's wearing those outfits. She knows that NO ONE's body is perfect (we've talked about it) and I've even taken her shopping for my clothes so she can see that not everything looks good on me either.

We did go shopping for a bathing suit recently, and I am NOT crazy about skimpy bikinis for 10 year olds but she wanted to try one on so I let her. She didn't like the way her belly stuck out so we tried on a cute tankini. She fell in love with it and I haven't heard her talk about her belly since. In fact, she can't wait to go swimming and show off her new suit!

I think a good body image is both confidence on the inside and knowing what to wear on the outside that brings out our best self.

being that age is so awkward. Really it is the first time in your life for many girls that you become self conscious of your own body. As hormones start doing the work, you look in the mirror and what you "see" might not be how you feel. On tv and in movies even the "ugly ducklings" are models in real life, and in school there is increasing pressure to be attractive, stylish, cute or hot.

At this age my grandmother got me a book about your body, which helped. Also, allowing me to dress myself and start expressing myself (within reason) helped a lot to. She may not be wearing some of the clothes you got her because when she puts them on they look like "little girl clothes". At this age I was hypersensitive about anything "kid"...

Being tall, she probably feels like everyone is looking at her all the time... so the baggy clothes may be a way to "hide" so she doesn't stand out to much. If she is bothered by it you could remind her that to be a model you have to be taller, and that many women will "look up" to a woman that is tall and beautiful like her...

As far as the belly thing goes... I would encourage her to exercise and eat a healthy diet. (not counting calories or eating pea soup for a month... just picking water instead of soda, fruit instead of a cookie, and celery sticks instead of crackers or chips) Now is a time in her life where she could feel really empowered to take control of her body. I am not suggesting she need to "lose weight" - that is something only a doctor could say... but it won't hurt ANYONE to eat a little healthier, and an activity like dance, martial arts, etc... could help her "tone" up and maybe resolve her belly concerns. I wouldn't make promises to her, but I know that at this age I started karate, and even though it didn't give me the body of Britney Spears, I felt empowered to make myself stronger and fitter, and it instilled a new sense of confidence in me.

Also, it might be wise to giver her a book about women's images in the media. At this age kids start to wonder why they don't look like Miley Cyrus or other famous 'kids'. If she realizes the image of what we are "supposed" to look like is being fed to her by the media, and isn't true (or even truly acheivable) she may not buy in to the illusion of "perfection" that most of us do, which will empower her FOR LIFE!

Oh, and tell her how beautiful she is! Not "adorable" or "cute"... but a beautiful young woman... I know you do...

-M.

Tuesday My almost 11 year old was going on about calories. This kid is a petite stick! Fatten her up you could use her as dental floss. I have no idea what is planting this in their heads but I blame Disney. :p

If not that Bieber kid!

Anyway there is really nothing wrong with what she is wearing. Heck sweats were a staple in both my girls wardrobes but the reason.....

I have never lied to my girls, they aren't stupid. My oldest knows she has her dad's butt. To tell her otherwise would just make her stop coming to me because I was only blowing sunshine up her butt, ya know?

Like Genna threw calories are bad, right? I told her no, too many calories are bad and too few calories are bad, calories themselves are not bad, they are just a unit of measure. Nutrition is important. Then we went over menu ideas, not looking at the calories but what is healthy. What I was trying to do is shift the focus from calories, and a skinny body image to being healthy.

Does that make sense?

Is she involved in activities in which she is successful that have NOTHING to do with her physicality? For example, does she paint, play the flute, attend a book club or playwriting class?

There was a self-esteem study a couple years ago that indicated the single biggest self-esteem builder was the ability to successfully complete a task or accomplishment. The level of self-esteem measured of the girls had NOTHING to do with whether or not they were ACTUALLY pretty or thin or smart. It's about being CAPABLE.

What should you say to your daughter? NOTHING. Put your daughter into something that she does WELL and she will forget about her belly. Yes, I know it's not that simple. But it's a HUGE start. The only way to get her to NOT focus on her belly is to get her to focus on something else. Talking to her about how she has big bones or whatever is still talking about her belly. Talking to her about how you like how she learned a new song on the flute reinforces her capabilities.

now, if she needs to exercise more or eat a healthier diet - those are separate issues. And they have almost NOTHING to do with conversations about weight. These are values, lifestyle choices and conversations. NOT always weight-related.

11 is a really really really hard age. it's when they are starting to compare themselves to other kids at school. So make sure when she "compares" herself to Janie that she has a bevy of things in which she's good at to counteract that Janie has a different build but can't play the piano or solve a math problem.

Just my $0.02

I agree that the body book for girls by American Girl is a great book. We have had it for years (I have a 12 and 15 year old girl). You could watch "What not to wear" together since they make people of all shapes and sizes love their bodies and find clothes that bring out their best features. It also may have something to do with the group of friends she is in. My 15 year old would wear anything as long as it was comfortable: stretch leggings from Lands End with large colorful T's and comfy sneakers. Now she is into skinny fit low rise black jeans with ankle boots and black gamer-logo t-shirts. But I noticed her group of about 7 close friends all dress similarly.
Tell her that at puberty you first grow out and later you grow up, so a lot of girls get "hippy" or a "belly". Tell her about the importance of making healthy choices for the rest of her life, but that does not mean you can never have a cookie. Maybe take her for a bike ride, or play frisbee outside, or just go for a walk. It is easier to be healthy if you are not doing it alone.
But mostly just tell her that this is normal, every teen goes through the phase where they are like puppies with paws too big for their bodies.