Birthday/ Special Event Depression?

My mother can be like this. It's like holidays and special events trigger her crazy button. She would get all worked up and then unload a stream of awful comments on my siblings and/or me on, say, graduation day. My mom thinks that everyone except her needs therapy and medication so there is no resolution in our family, we just try to relieve the pressure on her and expect that every so often, holidays will include a meltdown and we don't take it personally.

You're probably right in that these kinds of days trigger some sadness that he doesn't even recognize because it's so buried. I would write him a gentle letter letting him know what you think. Include specifics but don't be accusatory, just put together clear picture of the examples. Then invite him to let him know what you want to do. You want to celebrate his milestones and show that you love him, but will respectfully not do that if it causes him pain. Then maybe you can replace a birthday celebration with some other random celebration. Instead of celebrating his birthday, you can celebrate the first day of summer, or open day of a sporting season or something else.

My birthday just passed and I was amazed that I actually noticed it this year...that I really was down! And looking back, I seem to always be bummed around that time and perk up big time in May. I, too, get cranky around holidays. I don't know what it is. Maybe the expectations that I have to take care of all the logistics and make it "perfect" for everyone else? Not sure. As far as the birthday, I don't mind getting older. I did read that some people who were adopted have subconscious issues with the "primal wound" of being removed from their mother that day and mourn that unknowingly. Anyway, I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one out there who would rather just let my birthday pass by and not have to put on a "show" for anyone.

I have similar feelings on my own birthday. I've heard it called the "Birthday Blues." I personally don't like a lot of attention on my birthday. I think I get a little sad about being one year older and I don't like to make a big deal about it. At the same time, I would feel sad if no one acknowledged my birthday. I realize it sounds crazy, but it's how I feel. I've also met a few other people who go through the same thing on their birthdays. Perhaps this is what your husband is feeling too?

My guy does the exact same thing C.. Seems the happier the occassion is the bluer he gets.

He also adamantly denies any change in his mood or behavior when I point it out to him, but he is just oozin' misery.

I'm not really sure why. I've just learned he will need a little boost, extra patience, and somebody ELSE to always be jolly during those times.

He has not had any serious/unusual problems in his life or family either.

So, yeah, I'm looking forward to your responses, too.

I do know even HAPPY stress is still stress all the same and effects us all differently.

Especially Christmastime he is a grouchy bastard! Why? Who knows? We have a wonderful life together, happy well adjusted kids, enough money, relaxed household, and frankly I do EVERYTHING anyway!

:(

(Maybe that's it, maybe he needs MORE to do! Maybe time to stop tiptoeing around them?)

I am sort of this way.

I don't like being the center of attention. At all. So, when it is my birthday, quite honestly all I really want to do is maybe go out to dinner with my friends or my husband and that's it. I don't want a cake, presents, anything fancy - just a low-key event. I don't want my family members to really do anything special. It isn't because I don't feel I deserve it; it just isn't my style. Now I fully realize that to most people this behavior would be strange but it is MY birthday and this is how I want to spend it.

Instead of going out of your way to do something amazing and special, just ask him what he wants. And, if he says to not make a big deal out of it then don't. Honor his wishes.

You are not alone in this. My DH becomes downright hostile on holidays and with any mention of them beforehand. He doesn't have any other kids or an EX. Not sure what his problem is. He does have a tendency to work on them now. This year I didn't do anything for his birthday in the hopes that would make him feel better. Nope! He was grumpy for weeks after and made a couple statements about forgetting his birthday. I do have to say though that when I mentioned fathers day to him yesterday, he didn't do his usual hostile spiel. He just looked thoughtful, and told me what he wanted to do instead. So maybe he needed that. I don't know.

scale it back! you're turning yourself inside out to make him happy, and yet for whatever reason (he probably doesn't know himself) he wants it to be low-key, and all your expectations and hopes for a Big Day are inadvertently putting more pressure on him to put on a happy face.
next year tell him that you're just going to follow his lead. if he wants no fuss, maybe just a dinner out with you, let it be the way he wants! even if it doesn't make him happy, at least it won't disappoint you.
some people just don't like all the pop and squeak that others do.
khairete
S.

Does every family have one of these? My dad was like this, especially at Christmas. It was simply a bid to get even more attention from my mom. To be fair, both Mom and Dad grew up during the Depression. Mom saw holidays as an occasion to show how far she had come by giving and receiving nice gifts (except to me,but that is a different story). My dad saw holidays as a reminder of what he didn't have and not all that he had achieved. He really begrudged Mom spending a few dollars on the kids. And since Mom was focused on getting ready for the holidays, all of her attention was not on him (as it was during the rest of the year). So Dad would get really grumpy and bitter and we would spend our time trying to cajole him out of his funk. Nothing worked; eventually we realized that he was acting that way to turn the attention back on him, and he kept it up to get even more attention The best thing you can do is to ignore hubby's mood and definitely don't give him more attention (this is what animal trainers do when the animals act up, ignore the bad behavior, works on people too). Your husband seems to be enjoying your anxiety and efforts over his mood.
Keep his birthday low-key (no wild surprise parties). On other holidays, just ignore him. Maybe he is worried about spending so much money; make sure you talk to him about gift giving so he knows how much is being spent.
By the way, Easter is my favorite holiday. Better flowers, better food, less stress with decorations.

My husband is the same. It seems to be getting worse. It is so difficult because I can almost plan on him to be down on these special occasions and the last time it happended, I told myself I was not going to plan anything else. Date nights, concerts, special trips.... We have our 10 year anniversary coming up in two weeks- we have a B&B for a weekend and I am very nervous about it. I think he may actually be dealing with clinical depression and I'm not sure what to do about it. He has told me before that he doesn't feel like he deserves the special treatment and he gets really down on himself- it's almost like he looks for reasons to feel blue. I don't get it- I am a very happy and easy going person and it just sucks. Sorry to go on... I don't know how much this help you, but I certainly feel your pain. I just always try to keep one step ahead of him because I can see it coming.

C.:

I won't say that my husband is "glum" but he doesn't like to be the center of attention....nor does he like to admit he's getting older....

it's not just about feeling "glum"...for my husband "it's just another day" and that's how he wants it to be treated....my husband is turning 50 this year - i want to have a party - he said NO WAY!!! That's NOT how I want to celebrate my birthday - instead of planning things - ASK HIM what he wants to do instead of working your butt off to make it a special day planning things you think he will like - just ask him what he wants to do - if he says nothing - then respect that and do NOTHING...is it hard to do? HECK YEA!! but that's what I deal with.

A lot of it is expectations - just like with mother's day and your birthday - you EXPECT to be treated a certain way - well, it MIGHT be his past and if he can't let go of that - I don't know what to tell you.

I can tell you that when he acts all glum - just press on - DO NOT give him the "what's wrong" act because all you are doing is giving him more fuel....so when he starts acting like a 3 year old and being all "tizzy and sad" just IGNORE him...just like you would a child...do NOT let HIS behavior ruin your day...do NOT give him that control.

GOOD LUCK!!