"Big" Brother Can Be Very Mean to "Little" Brother-what to Do?

Hello,
I wish I had the perfect answer. My boys are 3 and 4 1/2 and they are the same way. I would say it's about 50/50. 50% of the time they play nice together. 50% of the time they fight. It has gotten better as my 3 year odl got older and hits or yells back or comes to me and tells me what happened. I use time out too and I use the attention on the "victim" as well. I do try to spend a little time with each of them "by themselves" this does help. Some of the fighting is expected I know but I remember being very frustrated at times when it seemed there was 90% fighting and 10% not. I still think sometimes "I shouldn't have to tell him or ask him to be nice to his brother" he doesn't get in trouble at school for being mean to friends. I work part time so they are not home together all the time but I have discovered that sometimes when it seems things are just not going well I seperate them, this one can play in his room or the dining room and this one can play in his room or living room and they both have some alone time things seem to settle down. Good Luck!

my eldest son did this to my younger son as well, for about 6 months and then it seemed out of the blue, but he started playing with him more and being nicer about sharing and not just randomly running across the room to hurt his brother. I know it's hard, but it's jealousy and if he sees you protecting his little brother to much, he will resent him more. I know it's hard, but they will work it out between themselves. Keep up with the discipline when he hurts him, because he needs your reinforcement that he shouldn't do that. One thing that seemed to turn the tide a bit, was when the youngest started yelling back or the night he slapped him back when he hit him.
They'll still fight from time to time, but it will get better. Mine are 3 and 19 mo and getting a baby brother tomorrow and they still haven't killed each other and I'm still pretty sane. :) You'll get through it.

Good morning Jen
hmmm they are some day going to be the best of friends but it will take about 10 years for that to happen or maybe longer. Our two son's both love music but when they were small the would wrestle and fight. Once we bought them boxing gloves and told them to go out side and duke it out but yours are way to young for that. Other than explaining to your two year old 'how would you like that for some big person to pull your fingers or yell at you' and I imagine you have already told him that. This is a tough one because they are so small, close in age and maybe your 2 year old doesn't really know how it is hurting is little brother. You might tell him that little brother loves him and he really feels bad when you yell at him and hurt him. I am rambeling on but good luck as you have many years ahead of you. Just love them because as I know they grow up so fast and then they sometimes move away. Both of our sons live in California and daughter in Kentucky. hmmm

I was reading a book yesterday that gave an idea that might work for you. It was about sibling fighting and roles. It suggested that instead of giving the attention to the one who is making the trouble, give it to the victim. So instead of putting the finger puller in time out (gets attention), comiserate with the one who had his fingers pulled. Tell him how you know that hurts and that his brother knows he can be nicer.
Don't think I disagree with time outs, I think they work and use them myself, but this might work as well.

How about talking about the importance of being a great role model and big brother. Talk about ALTERNATIVE ways to handle things vs hitting and yelling. You HAVE to give them options and teach them to handle things PROPERLY. Otherwise, they become adults who handle things the same way they're used to handling them........... HE IS NOT too young for this!

Wouldn't hurt to have special "jobs" and time w/ YOU that little brother can't do that will build confidence and a sense of importance as an older brother. Kids that age LOVE to help..whether it's laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. As you've been doing, make SURE to thank him and tell him how much you appreciate his help.

I think part of this is the age difference. My kids are really close in age too and they are constantly beating on eachother every day. This honestly is the worst for me too. So the close in age thing and the age in general.

I try time timeouts but yeah I'm usually exhausted. I just continue day in a day out to be consistent and separate them a lot.

My 2 girls are 16 months apart: 2.5 yrs and 15 months. So, I'm going through alot of the same things. It seemed to help when I got toys that were just the 15 months. That way the 2.5 yr old didn't "claim" all those toys as hers. but I do encourage them to share. They are certain ones that are definitely the 2.5 yrs old, which I think are okay.
She can get alittle rough with the 15 month, but most of the time I really don't think she means to. I just turn off the TV and take the toys away and take her to another place to talk with her. Then I make her tell the little one she is sorry for doing whatever and hug & kiss her. Then I let her go back to playing or whatever they were doing. She doesn't like to give up what she is doing. If she won't be nice or say she is sorry, I won't give her back her toys until she apologizes. If she keeps being mean, yelling, or hurting her, I give her a time-out until she can calm down. It seems to work. Some days are better than others, but I just stay consistent about it. But overall, they do play really well together. I try to find things they can do together or encourage the older one to show her how to play with a certain toy. She likes to do that. It might be a little easier since the younger old has tried so hard to keep up with her with walking early, great motorskills, etc. I think it makes it easier for them to play together since they really can do almost the same things.
oh, I just saw what Jill L wrote, and that does work. The older one hates when I ignore her and consoling the younger one.

First, let me say that I know that boys are different then girls in how they think and how they play. However, I think it is universal that older siblings get overlooked and begin to resent their younger sibling. Everyone ALWAYS coos over the baby. They ask the baby's name. My older daughter was 2 years old and not quite a month when we had her sister. People would literally ignore her and ask/talk about the baby. I would not answer, but tell my older one that the person was asking her about her baby. When I was pregnant, I stressed that this was her baby, her best friend, and she would have someone to always play with. I would let her hold and feed my younger one while I either held her or sat next to her lending a hand. She really didn't have time to get jealous because she was always included.

I worry that if you were to put more emphasis on the hurt child and ignore the one doing the hurting that you will foster even more resentment. He already might feel that he has "lost" some of your time and attention, and this method might set him up for even more angry feelings. He is 2, so he is not able to articulate that he is frustrated, and hurting is an easy solution for him. Definitely understand that he needs boundaries from his little brother, but he certainly does not own the whole room, and really try to "head it off" when your little one is on the move. Stress to your older one that the younger one wants to be just like him, doing the same things he does, and encourage the play by getting in there with them for a while. I think that it is important to be consistent (like another mom said) with making sure that your child does NOT begin to think that acting out in a physical manner is acceptable, especially if it involves hurting another. My girls are now 9 and 11, and I truly believe they are the best of friends. I have spoken to them about no person will ever be as much fun as their sister, but I am fortunate that they like the same things, games, tv shows, movies, and really enjoy each other. Yes, we have the occasional fight, but I'll call them in before it escalates and mediate the situation. Wishing you the best.

i know what you mean. My 31 month old acts the same way to her 9 month old little brother. It seems to be a love-hate relationship. I've been wondering what's normal, and what needs to be nipped in the bud. I'm curious to see what other people have to say! J.

I realize I don't know anything about your family, but it sounds like someone is setting a bad example of yelling and hurting when they don't get their way. He needs lots of positive attention and to be redirected when he misbehaves, no yelling at him, no hitting him. Start spending alone time with each of them and then family time together so that he sees that he is valued both as an individual and as a family member.