Best Way to Deal with In-laws?

I live w/ a somewhat similar situation.
I just smile and let it go.
It is what it is.
My mom and dad can give my kids plenty of love.

My MIL favors her daughter who HATES her and wishes she was dead.
She favors her daughter's kids. It is sad and kids notice eventually.
Do you have other people who could be like grandparents?

Well, my particular MIL is just as UNinterested in her daughter's kids ans she is in mine. You know the type--to all of HER acquaintances she's all "grandchildren brag and happy", but in reality--meh--not so much.

The thing is that no matter WHAT you do, it will end up being what it is and they will still be who they are.

Personally, it didn't take me too long to come to the conclusion that polite, respectful and inclusive attitudes are pretty much Teflon. They can never say anything "bad" about me because I don't give them reason to. However, I also don't knock myself out to go above and beyond either.

I disagree with the suggestion that your husband "speak" to them. About WHAT? That they don't ask you questions? That they are too busy to watch your kids? What good could that possibly do except expose your disdain at their communication and parenting skills, or lack thereof?

Don't ask them to watch your children.

Take the high road every...single...long...irritating day.
Do it out of respect for your husband's family. It will pay off in the long run.

Best way to deal with in-laws?
Long distance!

Unfortunately you can't "make" someone care. At this point, I would just be grateful that they're not openly spiteful, rude, and vicious like so many in-laws can be. They just seem apathetic and self-involved. Rather than wait for them to ask you questions about yourself and show interest why don't you just make conversation and volunteer information about your family and yourself? That's what I do.

I have a SIL like that. She's the "baby" of the family and is completely spoiled. She's the center of the universe especially now that she has a baby. I've never tolerated her attitude of superiority or brattiness or self-involvement so once I get the niceties of asking her about her and her family out of the way I just plow ahead and talk about my kids and myself. :-) I don't wait for her to ask. After all, she's my husband's sister. Why should I wait for her to ask me about her own brother's life?

Well that's easy. Ignore them and go about your life. Who cares what they think. I mean if you pass them in a hall or something be polite and say excuse me but take about as much interest in them as they take in you. I woudn't give it another thought. Be happy, talk with others around you and go about your life. I refuse to fall all over myself trying to interact with someone that doesn't want to interact with me. Why don't they want to interact with you? Who cares lol. Life is waaaaaaaay too short to worry about petty people like that. Move on and live your life. They don't even matter.

I'd keep trying. I'd even tell them what you have observed. If they choose to change, then you have given them a chance. Itf they choose not to change, well, that's up to them.

When I got married, my FIL refused to come to the wedding. I have wedding photos hanging on the wall for the past 38 years where of my FIL's absense in painfully obvious. He didn't care. When he was on his death bed I took my wife so she sould say "goodbye". He was still cussing me on his death bed. His sons came up to me afterwards and apologized for their dad's behavior. (Major Victory :~)) )

My MIL didn't like me either, but after 15 years or so she came around. Now, I'm her favorite SIL. I just kept trying. They didn't like my frugality, but they came to my wife when they wanted to borrow money. She would tell them to ask me. (HHHOOOORRRRAAAAYYYY for a brilliant wife.) I was always cordial and kind. I would "loan" it to them and never expected to get it back. Some times I got it back, but I purposely developed amnesia when it came to what they owed us.

Just keep trying.

Good luck to you and yours.

If these were your direct relatives, would you even have to ask, or would you just leave them alone? When it comes to my husband's relatives, I wanted to be "good" and show them that I see them as just as much my family as my blood. It mattered way too much to me when they did not respond like I wanted. I realized recently that it was bothering me so much because I wanted to make sure that it was known (to someone, ANYONE) that I was doing right by them and they were the ones who were being the "meanies". Once I got to vent/express my frustrations, I felt relief, and I assure you that I currently don't give a lovely. I decided that not only do I not need to interact with them, but I also don't need to be around them unless I (emphasis) feel like being bothered. It is so liberating, and boy have they come around, now.

So sorry. After ten years of trying to make friends with my MIL, I gave up and learned to emotionally distance myself. She would also make very hurtful remarks to me.
So I think no matter what you do, it won't change.

Just continue to be kind and courteous. Maybe I would call and tell her her grandchildren miss her, and that you would be happy if they had a closer relationship and invite her over for lunch. Ultimately, you can't make a person care no matter how nice you are.

So, are these kiddos yours and your husbands or are they yours from a previous relationship. It should not matter either way but the only reason I asked is because your last question was "maybe because they are the kids of her daughter and not her son?". My inlaws are great (I have 4 because my husbands parents are both divorced and have been remarried for years) My husbands dad and step mom are WONDERFUL! Love them. My husbands mom and step dad are great however, I have dealt with issues regarding his mom still having a fake relationship with my husbands ex. She talks so badly about her but we have found out that they still talk pretty regularly, they are facebook friends (insert eye roll here - my husband and I are NOT on fb and this is probably one the reasons why...LOL) And the worst part is that my MIL lies to my husband and I about talking to her. Anyway, our kids are treated pretty fairly but I know that there are times where I feel as though my MIL does not want to watch just my girls...she only wants to do it when it is all 3 of them together.

I just brush it off and move on... it's not really worth my time.

Try your best as it is best for all but don't go WAY out of your way. Whatever you do...don't let it effect your relationship with your husband.

Good luck! :)

We have seen my husband's mother/sister/neices/nephews exactly 2 times in the last 15 years. We see my parents at least 1 every 5 or 6 weeks. The 2 families live about 25 minutes apart. It's just the way it is. It used to hurt my feelings, but hey, they're not my direct family & if they don't care about my kids & I, why should I waste any time on them, right?

It is what it is.

Just be polite, and accept what they are willing to give. Some people aren't interested in other people, which is probably why she doesn't ask you anything about yourself.

Apparently your MIL just doesn't like kids all that much. Hey, my own mother didn't want to watch my kids; she wasn't particularly interested in kids either, and they were her own daughter's children.

Don't concern yourself with it or lose sleep, just enjoy the people in your life who DO add to it. And continue to be the better person by being polite and trying to make small talk, as you have been doing.

I would talk with them - with your husband. Be open and honest about how you are feeling and that it seems they aren't interested in a close relationship with your and your kids. See how they react. Make it their choice. They may not even know they are doing this (on purpose anyway). Give them one shot. Then go from there. Key - make sure you and your husband are on the same page.

i'm more on the opposite end of your situation. I have 3 sons, a 2.5 year old and 9 month old twins. My BIL has a 15 year old daughter and my SIL has a 7 yr old girl, a 5yr old boy, a 3yr old boy and a 1yr old boy....my FIL treats my 2.5 year old like he is the prince of the world. he does no wrong, he gets cookies and treats and snacks all the time, my FIL has him over 1 night a week and comes over to our house once a week to play or take him for a walk and will bring a whole bag full of snacks, cookies and fruit etc. he is starting to be all gaga eyed over the twins as well. personally, it really irratates me, my nieces and nephews deserve to be treated the same as my boys. i think the reason my FIL acts like this is because our boys were all born with cleft lip and palate and he feels sorry for them and doesnt like the pain and all the surgeries they go through. But that also ticks me off, i dont want people to "feel sorry" for them or pity them. yes they have a birth defect, yes it requires several surgeries for each of them, etc...but they are no different than any other kid, they shouldnt be treated like they are different. My FIL just doesnt pay that much attention to his other grandkids, my SIL kids go over about once a week as well, but my FIL doesnt act the same with them and will tell me how bad her kids are compared to my son, who he calls, "my sunshine".....i would talk to her about it and see what happens, or better to probably have your hubby....or, you could just leave it be, and relish the fact that you dont have a nosy busybody MIL...my MIL acts like she should be in charge of everyone and everything. good luck

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My MIL has never paid any attention to our kids. She has other grand kids, great and great great grands now and dotes over them like they are princes and princesses. Mine, she never calls, writes, or sends gifts. When mine graduated HS and college, on the Dean's list, nothing...The birth of my grand child (her great grand) never brought a card or gift or call to my daughter or myself. When my husband calls his M. on holidays, and her birthday, or any other time(which is rare due to this problem) she never asks about our kids. She has lots to say and brag about the other grand kids, but doesnt care about ours. I spent the first 25 years of our marriage sending cards, pictures, thankyous, and making a big deal about our kids grama, but it got me nothing but heart ache head ache and stress. So I stopped going out of my way, and now I save myself a lot of problems. We just go on with our lives and forget this person is supposed to care. You cant make her care. Its her loss.

I'm sorry, that really sucks, I have a wonderful MIL.
However,
my best friend has a situation similar to yours. Her MIL only has two grand kids, the son and daughter of my friend, and she openly and blatantly prefers the boy over the girl! Every time she comes over she lavishes attention and elaborate gifts on her grandson, and basically ignores her granddaughter. My poor friend is left trying to explain to her poor daughter why grandma doesn't bring her presents (her excuse is always oh I just didn't know what she would like.) My friend HAS tried to talk to her and all her MIL has to say is oh you're being too sensitive.
I don't get why some people are like this. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and try not to take it too personally (easier said than done I know!)

Look at it this way, at least she's giving you your space. Lots of moms have the opposite problem when it comes to the in laws.
Also as the mother of a son I find it a bit sad that you assume she will automatically be closer to her daughter's kids than to her son's.

I have the same situtation, My Inlaws treat all 3 of my kids like they are mine from a previous relationship and not of their blood line, why because she does not like me.

I get through each day expecting exactly what she has proven to give. Nothing but drama. I have tried the family meeting thing and it does not work, they only hear what they want to.

Not much help here I know sorry. Just try not to expect the impossable from them and it is a little it easier to accept the reality of it.

How does your hubby feel?

People will be how they are, that is true, but if this is hurting or affecting your kids I would have your Hubby have a serious talk with her about it.

I would let your husband talk with them. If they still feel the same way I would think it is a lost cause. I'm sorry you feel like such an outcast of the family. I wouldn't give up my family or my in-laws for anything.