Best Friend Pregnancy

Holy moly!! I was 22 when I had my first.... I think she's in for a rude awakening. Hopefully, her doctor will talk to her. You can casually mention things in a non-confrontational way, like "I loved breastfeeding my baby and the benefits were awesome..." or something like that. I wouldn't "lecture" or come across that way. It won't take her long to figure out that babies aren't born to love unconditionally. That's something she'll have to learn on her own, I think. I do believe good books would help.

Well, the baby is on the way, so some things you are going to have to keep to yourself now. If you really want to win her over on things like B.F. and vaginal delivery then you need to talk with her in a nonjudgmental tone and only with love and concern. Every other approach will backfire. Give her some books to do the lecturing for you. That way, it won't be coming directly from you. As for C-section vs. vaginal: most Dr.s don't do elective C-section anyway so let that one go. As for breastfeeding, just encourage her to give it her best try for the first 6 weeks, then decide. As for having a baby to love her, thats just too big to tackle. Whats done is done and she is going to learn that babies are the hardest (and most wonderful) thing to ever come down the pike like the rest of us did- by being thrown into the fire. She is pregnant, she is going to do it her way, this is the time to support, not lecture.

Wow she must love her mom alot if she thinks kids love unconditionally. I would ask her about her love for her mom. Betting unconditional is not a discriptive word she uses.

Knowledge is power-buy "What to Expect When You're Expecting" read it -and you will be in a position to advise her. BTW-the recovery from a c-section is longer and far more painful than a regular delivery. Breast feeding doesn't hurt-really-and it helps your tummy go down faster and burns loads of extra calories. If she is worried about pain-tell her to get an epidural-they are generally very effective. And about the "unconditional love " thing-it's the other way around-the mommy loves the baby, child, teenager, young adult unconditionally. If she wants unconditional love-she should get a puppy.

She's young she'll discover how everything is after she has the baby.
I think though that it's her decision whether she breastfeed her baby or not and that doesn't make her a bad mother, it does hurt at the beginning (at least it hurt me) and it is hard, so if she decides not to do it I see no problem at all. It her body, her decision.
When it comes to the C section I used to think the same a long time ago when I wasn't even pregnant or married, I hate pain (well who doesn't) and I was terrified of the thought of pushing a baby out and I always thought c sections where the way to go, then I got married time went by and I know better than to wish for a C section, so she is just clueless on that one.
I also thought that having a baby would be great because you'll have a little person that will love you unconditionally, the same way I would love them. I don't see it as a job at all, I see it as a bond that I would love to create with them, so I don't think this can be a bad thought at all, it's just the interpretation.
I don't think because of this reasons she will be a bad mother and I wouldn't go as far as saying I feel sorry for this baby for having a mom like this, she is just young with different ideas but I am sure she'll love her baby even if she decides not to breastfeed, that has nothing to do with being a good mother or not. So just let her be and she'll make the decisions that work for her.

She sounds pretty immature. She also sounds pretty uneducated, and it would be great for her to have some information on research based birth choices. However, she can make these choices even though you don't agree with them and neither do I. She gets to decide what she wants, even if they are not the best things to choose. I would get her some good books about birth and breastfeeding - NOT things like What to Expect. Get her The Birth Book, Gentle Birth Choices, Your Best Birth, The Doula Guide to Birth, things like that. She may be quite surprised to find that not all doctors offer non-medical cesareans on request and many insurance companies don't cover this.

She sounds immature. I often hear these kind of statements from teenagers. Are there some parenting classes the two of you could take? You could say you wanted to go, but didn't want to go alone. The classes may bring up topics that the two of you could discuss without it seeming like you thought her ideas were wrong. Could maybe be able to do the same thing with parenting books or articles. Otherwise don't say much, she won't take it well.

Sorry but I think those are her decisions to make, not yours (breastfeeding and c section).

Go buy her some books to read. I was all about reading anything about pregnancy and baby when I was pregnant with my first. Try not to judge her, there are honestly people out there that find breastfeeding disgusting and weird. Im sure shes heard breastmilk is best, she will make her own decisions. You have no idea how shes going to be as a mom, neither does she because she never has been. Give her a chance. I truly believe you should only butt in if specifically asked, or if the child is in danger.

I know it's frustrating and sometimes painful to see people we care about make decisions we don't agree with, but no matter how strongly you feel, it's important to remember, as some have said, it's really your friend's decision how she wants to engage in her delivery and life as a mom. Just based on what you shared, it sounds like she is probably scared and nervous, though she might not say it directly and so what she may really just need is your support. Once the baby is born (and if you're willing and comfortable), offer to support in ways she can really appreciate and will probably need - watch the baby so she can sleep or bring her food or whatever you think would be helpful. At the same time, if you feel like that's not something you can do, I wouldn't then tell her what you think she should do. Good luck! You're a good friend for caring so much.

It's HER pregnancy, HER baby, and HER decisions. Just be happy for her.

I really wouldn't stress about the breast feeding and c-section issue just yet. I don't know how far along she is but, if she's still in her first or second trimester, then she still has time to talk to her doctor about her concerns and gets some good logical advise from him/her.

Of course, you can always casually tell her that breast feeding really doesn't hurt (it didn't for me at least) and that recovery from a c-section can be just as painful or more so than a vaginal delivery. Don't push the issue though. A gentle approach is usually more effective than an overbearing approach. Besides, she has the right to make decisions about her pregnancy that are appropriate for her, whether or not you agree. You also have that same right.

As for her wanting to have a baby so that she will somebody to love her unconditionally, there are plenty of women out there who think this way. They seem to do okay in the motherhood department. She maybe okay as well. Although she maybe entering motherhood a little unrealistically, she may just be okay.

Dear S.,

My first thought is, you sound like a fantastic friend. A mom of any age, or maturity level, would be fortunate to have a friend like you.

My one thought is, have you considered sort of meeting her where she is? Okay, she's in a sort of self-absorbed stage in life right now. Not perfect, but hard to change via advice. You can, however, express the benefits to the baby in terms of benefits to the mom, as in:

"If you breastfeed, the baby will get sick a lot less, and then YOU won't have to stay up night after night with a wheezing baby."

"If you give birth vaginally, it will be a lot less painful for YOU."

"If you do [name your good parenting practice], your baby will be really smart and happy, and everyone will be so impressed with what a great mom YOU are."

Of course, you know and I know that those are far from ideal motivations, but my thinking is to educate your friend without getting her defenses up. There have been a lot of neurodevelopmental studies demonstrating that when people get defensive, their capacity to learn literally shuts down.

it's not your job to "enlighten" her. it sounds like she really is living in a fantasy world, but nothing you say will change that - she will just get defensive and you guys will possibly lose your friendship. if you want to gently broach the subject, tread with care. if she shows signs of being offended or dismissing your opinions before you even get to give them to her, back off. just be there for her. and when reality sets in, dang sure be there.

i definitely agree with getting her some pregancy books - hopefully she will read them! if she is early in her pregnancy, most likely the whole "there is another person involved in this besides me" thing hasn't set in yet. give her some time, i bet in a few months she'll start to get down to business.

i know i'm a little late in answering but figured i'd throw in my 2cents...
Unfortunately all we can do for our friends is support them and give them our best advice. It really is best to pick your battles and focus on things you thing she really needs to think about for the child's safety. My mom's best advice: "there's very little you can do that will scar them for life". Everyone parents different & no parent is perfect or makes the best choices all the time - but i think that's great that this child will have you in its life too to help support its mom in making good choices.

I breastfed my twins for 6 months, some friends of mine did it for years, my mother-in-law didn't breast feed any of her sons and they are all brilliant (1 has a law degree & is in the boarder patrol, the other is in military intellegence and my husband has a masters in elementary ed). My step-daughter was formula fed and is a wonderful, healthy girl. Moms have to do what's right for their situation. I met a few very young moms in the NICU that just couldn't bring themselves to do it, which is ok.

As far as her motivation - there's not much you can do. My husband was 18 and in college when his new girlfriend became pregnant with his first. From what i heard, he was immature, did not have a child-friendly lifestyle at all, and had no clue what he was doing - but once his daughter was born he learnt as he went and adores her beyond measure and has been an amazing daddy since day one. He planned to marry her mom & be with her forever too - bought a ring & everything... then she left him. It destroyed him at first, but you do what you have to do & he moved on. I met him when his daughter was 2. He didn't have a lot of money, they lived with his parents for the first 5 years of her life before he married me. He had a horrible custody battle too... but his daughter's now a VERY well adjusted 12 year old. I know not exactly like your friend's situation, but my point is that unfortunatly situations aren't always ideal and people cope the best they can.

Sometimes people have to learn for themselves and hopefully instead of being crushed by motherhood when it's not what she expected, she'll know that she can come to you for support!

I think it's wonderful that you're worried about her. I wouldn't hesitate to chime in about your thoughts, since she's so young. I didn't breastfeed either, so no experience there, but did have a vaginal delivery and from what I hear, the recovery I had was much quicker and easier than that of a c-section. She won't be able to drive, walk upstairs, or lift things for 4-6 weeks. (assuming the c-section goes well!)

Anyway, just be honest with what you're thinking. I'm sure she'll appreciate the insight. I know I would if I was that young and pregnant.

Good luck!
Lynsey

Most people see life the way they want to see it.....It's easy to look in from the outside and have opinions on how others should do things....I find myself guilty of it all the time.....

I did not want to breastfeed for multiple reasons.......I got really agitated with friends who put their two cents in, because it was my baby, my body, my decision.....My daughter is perfectly healthy, smart and developing just fine.....I know I made the right decision for us, though I still hear all the "Breast is Best" arguments when people ask my thoughts.....I would have loved to have that choice to make, but again, multiple reasons that I knew from the start it was a no go.

As far as the C-section, many doctors (at least REALLY GOOD ones) will not allow a woman to just tell them that she wants a C-section and that is that......Most will attempt a vaginal delivery and if complications arise a C-section will be performed. It shouldn't be something she can request. I will admit that when pregnant, I did make a comment or two about C-sections because I was scared about the vaginal delivery and I was really scared about having a baby that was too large for me to deliver...I am really tiny and was told my baby wouldn't be over 6 lbs because that's about all I would be able to handle being my size. She was 7 lbs 7 oz and born vaginally with no issues. Your mind races with all the differing scenarios and it is easy to think that cutting the baby out would be easier than pushing it out...She may be scared/nervous and trying to deflect by making such comments so she doesn't have to think about it. It's a natural thing to freak out at the thought of this large object shoving itself through a really small hole!

I think being supportive and allowing her to be herself and voice her feelings is the best way to approach this.....Often people just want to say it and aren't really looking for a judgement or opinion in return......Be there and offer encouragement by telling her that she can do this and that she is going to be a great mom and offer a tip here or there for her....

Parenting and mothering is a journey that we really have to figure out for ourselves...No book, scientific data, doctor, psychologist, friend, teacher, etc. can tell us how to do it because EVERYONE is different and EVERY child is different......There are no instructions because they couldn't possibly detail every moment for every person. This is her journey and it will be different from yours and she will do things you may or not like just like you will do things she may or may not like....The point is to allow each other to grow into your roles by being the supportive friends you always have been, whether you agree with everything she does or not.....

As far as her boyfriend...that's her struggle to face, just like you had yours....be there, advise when she wants it, listen and catch her if she falls.....You cannot save people from life (especially relationships/love) because it is a process we all have to experience......

Good luck to you both! Enjoy your journeys with all the ups and downs!

Since you are already a parent maybe you can say to her you want her to be aware/prepared for the reality of motherhood. It can be wonderful but it is also a LOT of hard work and responsibility. You may just need to help with some practical things and a listening ear after the baby arrives. I wouldn't get into the stuff with the boyfriend. Time will tell if he is a good guy and father or not.

I can understand being afraid of labor pain and just not knowing what to expect. I tried for vaginal deliveries but ended up with 2 emergency c-sections. No regrets since both kids are healthy. But my second c-section developed a life threatening infection that was far more painful and a longer recovery than either labor or the actual c-section (I was back in the hospital on IV antibiotics for 10 days). Also, even with the epidural the c-section was painful.

Wow.
She sounds very immature.
You are not, thankfully.

Tell her to get the book, or you get for her "What To Expect When Your'e Expecting" and "What To Expect The First Year."

Next, she and her boyfriend have only been together 6 months.
Next, she has to think about custody.
Next, she has to think about custody between unmarried couples (per laws)
Next, she she has to think about who's last name to put on the birth certificate. Just hers, I would suggest.
Next, she has to think about if they are going to get married. Not getting married for the wrong reasons.

Next, has she been to an OB/GYN? And getting prenatal care? And, taking prenatal vitamins?

So many things... she needs to know and decide.

After only 6 months with this guy... she does NOT know him, well enough.

All the best,
Susan

Yikes. Yep, motherhood is painful in every way so she is in a for hard go. And it is a mother's job to love unconditionally - not the child's.

Might she consider giving the baby up for adoption?

But if not, How does she listen best - reading a website, reading an article, being talked to? Vaginal is definitely better for the baby. I had 3 c-sections and found recovery really painful and long - 6 weeks each. Yes, breastfeeding is hard - it takes most women 4 weeks to figure it out. Lactation consultants are great - I had the women in the hospital put my first born on for me to help me figure out what I was supposed to be doing. And trust me, I am modest! One really does realize that breasts are for nourishing ones children!

I dont think any women she feel like she has to breast feed, if you are not comfortable with it its only going to tense up the baby and both mom and baby will be miserable. I do think you should explain to her that the recovery from a vaginal birth is faster then a c-section. I dont know your friend or her boyfriend, but after reading some of the other responses I would like to say. I became pregnant with my son after being with his father for 4 mnths, we were already engaged (he proposed after 3mnths) and are happily married and I could not imagine a better father and husband then him. he works two jobs to provide for us and when he comes home the first thing he wants to do is play with our toddler. oh and I was 23 when I became pregnant. I hope things turn out for your friend as well as they did for me

I just heard this on Dr. Phil a few days ago! Babies should not be born w/ a "job" and she will never be happy counting on a babies' unconditional love. As far as the other things... she may change her mind further into the pregnancy. I think everyone is scared about a vaginal delivery... and she may be... it may have just come out wrong/a little more selfish. She can't get a c-section w/o a medical reason. Maybe you could just word it to her that way. Get her a good book about pregnancy/delivery, maybe What to Expect When You're Expecting. Let her read about breastfeeding. She needs to be educated more than anything it seems. Good luck!