My best friend is leaving her husband to have a child. She has everything ready to go for her to begin trying with artificial insemination in a few months. She works for a state hospital, so there is onsite daycare and preschool. This will greatly help with her costs, and she does only work 4 days a week (10 hour days). Since it's a state job, she has great benefits, good retirement, etc. She doesn't really have a lot of money, however, and she lives in California, so her costs are high.
Since I have never been a single mom, I have no clue what advice to give her. I can help her teach the baby to sleep, I can give her my nursing cover and other little things, but I feel like she needs some real advice about how to go about raising a child on her own. Her family lives near me, btw, so she is far away from her main support system. Since she is a good 4 hour flight from us, it's not like any of us can quickly get to her either. Her co-workers support her,and she has a few close friends that can help her out if she needs it, but she won't have family.
Best advice for being a single mom and sole provider for a baby/child?
back story:
my friend will be 42 next week. her husband does not want children. He gave her hope that he may in the future when they got married, but he isn't interested. She wants children and feels like she doesn't have the time to look for a partner to have a child with, so she is just going to do it. She would rather do it with him, but he would rather sleep late on Sundays and play poker. it isn't a lifestyle change he wants to make.
Sounds like she has a plan and what she probably needs from you, if she hasn't asked for advice is just support.
What is she going to do if the fertility treatment(s) fail?
I hope she has a plan B.
Has she thought about how many times she'll try (can afford to try)?
Some women can get pregnant at 42 and others can't.
If she does get pregnant (or adopts), she'll learn how to manage her family.
Becoming a parent is a learning experience for all of us no matter what the circumstances.
A tight money situation before a child comes along isn't great and it'll be even tighter with a child.
I'm going to be the mean one. Sorry.
The number one thing I hated about being a single mom for 9 years was not the exhaustion, financial stress, not getting a dime of child support, difficulty finding childcare when I needed it, not being with them enough, leaving them at daycare, trying to teach them how to pee standing up...
It was the fact that they didn't have a daddy.
I didn't get pregnant thinking that their father would never speak to them or me again after he left. And I know that nothing in this world is guaranteed, but I'd never have another child knowing that they have no daddy in their life. Children NEED their father.
I'm sure that many here will disagree, which is typical to the modern "I don't need a man!" movement, but I think that your friend is crazy to leave a man who loves her to go raise a child (that she doesn't even know if she can conceive) without a daddy.
I have been single parenting for 18 years.
I work a full and a part time job for the past two years and the economy tanked and took my career with it.
I would never encourage anyone to purposefully have a child without a committed co-parent. It doesn't matter how present I have been in my child's life - there is a piece missing for him since his father decided to not be an active participant in his life. Mentors, Uncles, friend's fathers just don't make up that gap.
Sorry, but my advice would be not to do it. She is being selfish in this and not fully considering the impact on this yet to be child.
As a long time married stay at home mom I can't imagine giving ANY parenting advice to a working, single mom.
Motherhood is an incredibly personal and individual journey.
You can never be truly prepared, no matter how much you read, prep, organize and nest.
Just give her your practical support, pass on ideas for things that worked for you, recommend your favorite products and resources, etc.
Beyond that she's got to figure it out on her own, and she will. I think being older and financially secure makes for a more confident and strong new mother!
I'm a 44 y/o single mother of three. I have no family near me and no nanny or daycare budget, and most of my closest friends don't have kids. My mom friends are all busy. Granted I have child support from children's father, but I still do all the parenting and home tasks. Finances are something she will work out like millions do.
With all due respect, I think it's great that you are such a caring friend, but she does not need any more "instruction" on how to parent than anyone else on the planet does. None of my friends give me parenting advice, nor do I need it. If I do need it, I call one of my cousins (who have tons of kids and live very far away) on the phone. Lots of my friends with husbands are every bit as stressed as me, some more so, even with all that help from a spouse.
If your friend is 42 and has badly wanted children for so long, she's been doing plenty of research on the topic. She'll know more than plenty of new moms do, and she'll learn the rest. Being married doesn't guarantee knowing how to raise kids, and parenting is as old as human civilization. The resources nowadays are endless. Just be sure to suggest Mamapedia to her :)
If anything, let her know you know she will be an awesome mom, and don't address her as if you feel she's disadvantaged somehow (not saying you would). She isn't, she and her baby will be fine!
A good friend of mine conceived her child through artificial insemination and has raised her as a single mom. She is a teacher, and like your friend, has had no real family support throughout the process. Her daughter has turned out amazing.
I don't have any advice other than that.
I am a single mom of 4, ages 21, 11, 5, and 2. My family is great and live close by for visits, but I am truly doing it on my own. I'm not sure I have any good advice to offer. Being a single mom is the only way of being a parent that I know which is probably easier than having had a partner and then being on your own. I've always been the only one responsible for the children, so it is like second nature to me. My biggest challenge is getting my children to their activities when the practice times conflict, which obviously isn't a huge problem in the big picture.
Your friend obviously really wants to be a mom. I'm sure she will make it work well for herself and the baby since she is entering into with full knowledge of single parenting.
Well my husband works a lot and does not do much childcare (unless it's fun stuff ) so sometimes if surely feels like single parenting . It's extremely hard and lonely :( I always wanted kids though so I can understand her desire . HAs she considered that she can get twins/triplets at that age with IVF ? What if it does not work is she open to adopt ? Foster to adopt is free and done within the year (i have several friends who have done it ). It's just pregnancies are hard after 40 and she might need to save as much as she can being a single parent (i have friend who did IVF and i know it's very expensive ) I also have to agree with another responder growing up without a father is hard. And honestly if her husband really loves her I do not see how he will let her go when she tell him she is leaving for good . I mean it's 100/100 in a marriage and there are times when u have to sacrifice for each other especially when it come sot something so important to her . Best wishes to her !!!!!!!!!
Refer her here to ask her own questions.
My honest advice, she should adopt a child from the foster-adopt program. The infant years are grueling. I cannot imagine doing them all alone without a support system. My father died when I was very young and my mom still tells stories of how hard it was. Like--a very sick baby and the need to get a prescription in the middle of the night. Or, what about when SHE gets food poisoning and is extremely ill. At least with an older child there is a bit more flexibility. Also, with a foster-adopt program there will be built-in support systems. She needs to really think about which is more important...being a mother or getting pregnant. There is a really big difference between the two. Nothing in the world (and certainly not a discussion board) can prepare you for being the sole support system for a newborn infant.
She's leaving her husband to have a child? I guess they are infertile as a couple, but there must be more to this story, since a lot of infertile couples use IVF or adopt. Personally, I believe intentionally becoming a single parent is not usually a good idea. There are a lot of wonderful people who end up that way and do a great job, but I'm always curious why people intentionally do that - she's got a partner so why not do this with him? Sorry, I've never been a single parent, so I'm sure you'll get much better responses than this, but the premise of this post was confusing and curious.
Amen, Christy Lee!
heh. i think parenting is hard enough for two committed partners (wonderful but hard), so setting out to do it alone is a heroic undertaking!
i dunno about deluging her with advice. we all had tons of advice when we were percolating babies, didn't we? it's like the internet- too much information can be a terrible thing. like all of us, she'll figure it out. i'd just stand by to help out, listen, or give advice when the occasions rise rather than try to download it all to her beforehand. you can't anticipate all the possible scenarios anyway.
khairete
S.
I have no advice, but I have a friend who had a baby on her own (artificial insemination) at 42 too. She was already well established in her profession, and she had no complications with the pregnancy. I lost touch with her, but last I heard, she and her son were doing great! Good luck to your friend!
"My best friend is leaving her husband to have a child." I can't get past that sentence.
Why in the world do you feel the need to give someone advice on a topic you have no experience in? If I were her, I would not welcome your *best advice* since you don't know anything about being a single mom.
If you really feel the need to give her advice about your experiences as a mom, go for it. Perhaps about your struggles with postpartum, lack of sleep, when your husband travels & your solo w kids, I think I recall a post about your husband wanting to visit his dying father in another country and you didn't want him to leave your with the kids for a week. I think the best thing to do is tell her all about your posts and your own struggles. Just give her this website and tell her to post about her plans.
My own personal advice is that she should get a puppy till Mr right comes along. Or volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters or similar. She works long hours and has no one to help her and throw in doesn't make much money, living in a high cost state. She is not thinking clearly. There are plenty of statistics to show the importance of a father in a childs life.
Wouldn't it be even a little better if she had a baby with her husband and did all the work while he slept in Sundays and played poker late? He may grow to love the baby, most men don't feel a connection till the baby is born.
Your friend may be embarking on one of the greatest journeys. Being a mom is great. Doing it alone, it's a lot. I was a single mom for a while with 2 young boys with no family within a 3 hour drive. What is her support system like? What if there are 2 babies instead of 1? What happens when baby is sick and she HAS to be at work (It sometimes happens)? If money is tight, how will she make sure that everything is taken care of? What happens if she get sick - who helps with baby? As they get older it is a little easier (if there is only 1)? Does the daycare accomodate all the hours she needs while she works? These are just some questions I am sure she has thought about. Best advice? Enjoy that baby as those days don't last too long. They grow up so quick. It will not be easy as a single parent, but it can be done. Any maybe, she won't be a single parent for long. Best of luck to her!
I think you are definitely jumping the gun here. There is sadly a very high chance that she may never become pregnant and she will have given up her marriage for nothing. (I had mine at 40 so I am not trying to be hurtful). I would avoid talk of babies until she is pregnant. And realistically until she is well into her second trimester and past the highest risk of miscarriage. If she is successful, I would offer to come for the birth.
I don't really see why you feel she needs advice on raising a child. Well, anymore than the rest of us do.
IMO there really is no great advice. She will have to learn quickly how to care for the child on her own since that is what she is choosing to do. Being a single mom is hard and she will soon realize how hard it is and if that makes her happy then so be it! She will figure it out. She will figure out what works and what doesn't.
Good luck to her
Keep your guilt over the baby not having a father to yourself. Kids tend to catch on really quick that mom feels guilty over no dad and they use that to their advantage all the time.
Tell her to find, build, a support system wherever she lives. Join or start a babysitting co-op with other moms. Join mom's groups. Invite a college age niece or cousin to come live with you and attend classes nearby. Could she find a similar job in the area where her family lives?
