Being Pulled Apart

Try it and see how it goes. He's at an age where he might really need to spend time with his dad. But all in all, you and his dad need to get on the same page about discipline. That's something you guys need to discuss, and maybe develop a plan- write it down and everything. My oldest WANTED to live with his dad, who said he just couldn't do all that extra work.

How to get through it:
Well he is 13 now. Remember .... TEEN. Lots of testosterone running around.
First I don't think that you should have tried to be his best friend instead of his mom. You should have been discipling all along as a mother. The best thing that you can do is let him go. Have you ever heard the saying...."if you love something let it go if it comes back it was yours and if it doesn't, it never was". Well 2 of my boys did the same thing. They stayed with their dad long enough to get tired of him.
Don't think that he will like it over there better because his dad will buy stuff. Your son will soon figure out that it is not the 'STUFF' that makes him happy. And no matter how great his dad is to him, he won't ever and will never be you.
The best thing that you can do is be firm with him, and say this is the reason that you are in trouble and now these are the consequences. If he threatens to go live with his dad then ask him would he like for you to help him pack. Then at some point sit down with him and tell him that you love him and you only ground him or punish him because you love him and you want him to do well and to be a respectable young man in life BUT you cannot and will not take threats so if he wants to go live with his dad that it will hurt you terribly but you will get over it and you will go on living.
I don't think that he will go or ever wants to and if he does it won't take him long to come home. (Mine did the same thing and the actually left but they all came back quickly and in the mean time they figured him out and don't care to ever go back to live with him.)
But as a parent you have to lay down the ground rules and establish your boundaries and stick to them and you can't let him manipulate you. If you do, he will know that he can and you won't have a moments peace anymore for the rest of you life plus... you really don't want him to learn that trait and be a pain in the butt as a husband to someone and take a chance on ruining marriages coming and going. So it is your responsibility to make him the best that you can so he can have a good life when he grows up.
I hope this helps.

Dear T.

I am a married mother age 38 w/ a 16 yr old daughter and 8 yr old son. I came from a divorced family. I remember when I would not get my way or get grounded I would want to live with my dad. I learned real quick it was no better. My advice is to communicate with your ex-husband
(just communicate) and very important keep communicating with your son, just talk every day. Always tell him you love him. These days kid want and want but may not be earning a previlage. With a 16 year old I am struggling not to be the best friend any more and I feel more like a drill sergent & spy. My mom has reminded me that when I was 16 she felt as if I hated her. This is a phase. Turn you attention onto something for you to help you feel happier.... good luck
B. H, Wynne, AR

I am a divorced mother who had multiuple decisions to make about children and i bless you because no one can understand what it is like to be mother and father to the children in the moments at home.Make a contract with your son and if he continues to want to go tell him what expectations will be. He cannot run between the 2 homes. You have given a good loving base but now consistencies are very important and this is a test for both you and your ex. Do not compete for favorites. Write the contract out on paper and if possible there will be no way of any misinterpertation of what has been written on paper. Kids love to twist the words to fit their needs. Ask him direct to find out reason for change. This is a suggestion, I just know that raising 3 children through the teenage years was a schizophrenic time for me, the kids played me and laugh about it now since they have children. Do what you feel in your gut look at the situation in as many aspects. Like it was said once, it takes a village to raise a child. Hope this helps.

T. if it were me I would not let my son live with his dad if he is that way with him. that is doing a diservis to your son. He needs discipline. Your husband? --yes he can discipline --it is not your parents or his parents household -you and your husband are the caretakers and disciplinaries there. Let you house be under your control not letting others try to tell you how to run your household. That is your husbands job to be the head not other family members ( unless he is not doing his job) which it sounds like he is! You do whatever your heart tell YOU to do.

Hey T., I want to first commend you. Your first statement was that you are the mother of a bright 13 year old. Ok with that first being said he is bright enough to know that his grades slipping has consequences. There are always consequences to bad behavior, he should not think he can be rewarded by 'escaping' to his father's house. If your husband is your partner and has been since early on then there is no reason why he should not continue. Your parents are just that the bond and the dynamics of your house does not have to go thru them for approval. You may want to speak with your husband and get his feelings on this without hearing your parents opinion. The bible says to leave your parents and cleave to your mate. Our homes will not be successful if we don't fight for the family. I have a blended family also but my husband and I make it very clear not to let outside extended family feel they have decision making skills. I am sure if all these people have been in your marriage for 10 years they are use to doing it so it may be a shock to the system by now. But the main thing here also is your son chose to make the grades and he may have been given everything a child could want, except boundaries. Now he is being given boundaries and it is a shock. We know that even as adults we like structure and guidelines. If there is anyway the 4 (your son, you, your husband, and the father) of you can talk about the facts and come to a conclusion. For the most part if you have set guidelines then they should be accepted and not rewarded. These guidelines will be appreciated later because it may keep him out of trouble later. Better to hurt a little now then to look at him behind bars later. I hope some of this was helpful.

Hi T.,

One thing I know for sure is that there is a point in every boy's life when he needs to be around his dad. I see that your husband is there and hands on, but it doesn't sound like he has been given carte blanche to raise your son(s) as his own. Your 13 year old may have decided to want to live with his dad out of rebellion, but it may just be the best thing for him. It's always tough to deal with two sets of parenting styles, but that's the hand that was chosen when you and your ex decided to divorce. This may also provide you the opportunity to serve more in your primary role - WIFE. You can't be so caught up in your kids that the priorities get out of whack: God First, Spouse Second, Kids Third.

I have a stepdaughter who went through a silimar situation as your son. Her grades dropped and her mother and her fought a whole lot. She decided to move in with us. She stayed six months and she was ready to go back to her mom. Kids will try to take advantage of the situation sometimes. I think once we settled with her and things got back to normal, she realized the rules were very much the same when it came to grades. I hope this eases your mind some.

It sounds to me. You have done a very good job in raising your children. It might be your child of 13 must learn there is two side to his world of growing. I am sure he has not forgotten your love for him. I feel in time he will see in his growing having everything given to him will not be enough. He will see as he gets wiser that he needs you too. Only time will tell. Lets hope for the best for him. You are so brave to let him go and learn of this. We want our chldren to grow and become people who care and appreciate what comes their way. Both you and the Father must show him this with love and understanding. Continue to walk and teach your other child as you have before with firm love and understanding and watch how he grows to be a great young man in your life.

My daughters are only 3 and 6 weeks but I've worked with teens a great deal through my job. As hard as it is I think you should allow your son to go all the while telling him that he can come home at any time. Kids think they want a "pal" for a parent but nine times out of ten they end up wanting to go back to having the structure. I'll bet you anything that after a few weeks with Dad, who sounds like he'll no doubt leave him to his own devices, he's going to be wanting Mom back. As you said he's no doubt just peeved at being grounded. I wouldn't let him know how incredibly upsetting this decision is for you though, no matter how great a kid is they will still use fear tactics when they feel as if thier backed into a corner. If he feels as if he's in control he might try using this in the future to get what he wants i.e. "if you don't do this then I'm going to go live with Dad." Good luck and hang in there.

Does the dad pay child support? If not, file for it.

If so, why not consider letting your son go? I've never experienced this, but have lots of friends who have, this always hits mainly boys between 12-15 years of age. Of the ones who have gone to "live with" dad, they've returned in 3 to 6 months, much wiser.

You haven't done anything wrong. The grass is always greener, remember?

My son decided to go live with his dad when he was 12. Fewer rules at dad's house, plus dad had more money and lured him away with "things". Their relationship was rocky to say the least during his teens....I just made sure I kept up with him and didn't back out. He got into quite a bit of trouble with his dad, wasn't doing well in school, etc. I just kept with him and kept talking to him. He ended up quiting school his senior year and just floundering for over a year. He finally got it right, got his diploma and is now in the Army. I think we'd of all had alot less grief and heartache if he had stayed with me, and my son now admits he screwed up....but in the end it all came out fine and I am still the one he calls when he needs to talk. There was nothing I could do to stop him from going to his dad's even though it about killed me. So hang in there and stick with your son. When it all blows up on him, he'll need your support.

You should allow you husband to dicipline your sons. You will have major problems in the teenage years if you don't. Do not cut him off from this role, and do not allow family members to get in your business. 13yo should not be "allowed" to run away from his punishment. He's pitting you against your ex. that's a game. Don't give in. He should have to face his punishment, that's what real men do. He must feels boundries, even if he doesn't like them. He will never understand consequences if he is allowed to worm out of them. Stand strong, don't let anyone undermine the mama that you are!

my parents divorced before 1 was 2 years old. i lived with my mom all my life. once i got into highschool and my mom had a new guy, i started doing the same thing. if i didn't like what ever mom said, or whatever punishment she dished out(event though i deserved it) i always said i was going to live my dad. he's just mad and over reacting. give him some time, and he'll be ok. what he needs right now is structure, discipline and a parent. not another friend. his friends can help him get into enough trouble, and he needs you and your hubby and his dad to help him stay on the right path. you need to sit down and have a talk with your son's father. it is not right for him to undermind you discipline and give in to your son's whim's. it makes you look like the bad guy. and that will make him want to live with dad even more. but i bet he doesn't realize is that thiings would probably change once he did live there. he'd still have rules and consequences to abide by...i seriuosly doubt his dad would continue to let him run wild and do whatever he wanted. as far as your new hubby goes, he's been a father figure in the boy's lives long enough that he has every right to say something about your son's behavior and if your son is being disrespectful to you, then he should stand up for you. and you need to tell the grandparents that exact thing. wanting your son to make good grades and be a respectful young man is not too much to ask for and i think you did the right thing of grounding him till his grades came up. thats exactly what my mom did to me and my grades came up quick because i grew tired of sitting at home bored with no phone, video games, or hanging out with friends pretty quick.

Well, I do not have a solution for you, but I can tell you I did the exact same thing to my mom when I was 13. I got in trouble, moved in with dad, stayed for 2 years and then moved back to my mom's. It hurt my mom so deeply. I am 32 now and I still tell her I am sorry. I was young and selfish. My dad and his wife gave me whatever I wanted. Especially if they thought it would tick my mom off. I know, without a doubt, that he will know you disciplined him because you care. It just may take him some time to come to that conclusion. Hang in there and keep being the strict, strong, loving parent that you are. It will pay off in the long run.

hi, i have been there! 15 years ago when my son was 15 he decided life would be better with his father who had not been involved in his life for the 8 previous years i was a single mother of him and my daughter then age 9. the hardest thing i ever did was put him on that bus from wyoming to texas. my son later told me he knew when he got off the bus he had made a mistake he stayed with his father 6 months then came back to me a much wiser person. the grass is always greener on the other side until you get on the other side. he later thanked me for letting him go. you did nothing wrong so quit beating yourself up it is a phase but ya gotta let him make choices and let him suffer the conscquiences of those decsions that how they grow you sometimes have to let them go and then bathe them in prayer. hope this helps

Hi T.: What a shame to see you going thru this difficult time. 13 is such a volitile age. You are probably right that your son made this decision because he was grounded and he thought you were being too tough on him. His easy way to solve the problem is to go live with his Dad; this is the 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' mentality. He doesn't know how Dad would handle bad grades. We raised two wonderful daughters. I thought the teen years with two girls, two years apart were going to be be the worst years of our married lives. We were very lucky. They were actually enjoyable. I think this was due to the fact that when an issue with them arose, we dealt with the situation with reward instead of punishment. This started with the oldest daughter in 1st grade. She was a very detail oriented child and had difficulty finishing her classwork. So, under her teacher's advice, we started a reward system. If she finished her work 3 days during the week, we would treat her to a special treat; not material like a new Barbie doll, but something like ice cream out with Dad (just the two of them). We increased the number of days monthly. This carried through the girls' entire life. Poor grades; reward for increasing them. They had a standing reward during jr. high and high school for honor roll. Every young lady wants to shop at the mall. Consequently, they would get a mall gift certificate for honorable mention, honors and high honors. The gift certificate increase in value as the honors increased ($25, $50 and $100). This reward constantly dangled over their heads. We didn't pay out until our oldest became a junior in high school. Then she achieved it every quarter until graduation. We also gave them gradual 'wings to fly'. Each time they proved themselves, we would give them a little more freedom. Consequently, when they were on their own, they were prepared for what life would hand them. They wouldn't go wild with their freedom and screw up their lives because of poor decisions. We are proud to say that we raised two wonderful young ladies without issue through the 'horrible' teen years. They are both married now to wonderful men and my husband and I are their best friends. I know that I am not in the same situation as you are regarding marriage, but hopefully the story about our girls will help. Good luck!

Even though they would never admit it, children (even teenagers) like structure, organization, limits, boundaries, consistency, and parents who care enough to discipline them. The honeymoon at dad's will eventually end. Dad will eventually have to suck it up and stop being the Santa Claus Daddy and be his father. I would probably sit back and enjoy watching that all happen.

In the meantime, be his mom. Be the same way you have always been and enjoy being in the "week-end dad" role for awhile. Have fun going places and doing things with both boys on the week-ends. I would let the child who lives with you through the week help you plan the week-end activities. I would not say one word about him living with his dad, making that choice, and do not try to pressure him to move back home.

At some point in the future, he will realize he made a mistake. Welcome him home with open arms. He is still a kid. It may take until he is an adult for him to realize he chose the Santa Claus dad over the stable consistent real parent mom. But, at some point. He is going to realize it.

T.;
The grass is always greener on the other side. Allso, the boy wants to spend time with his father. This is natural.
Just be patient, This honeymoon period with daddy will pass and when reality sets in, he will want to come home. They usually all do. Think of this as a time of growing pains for your son. You are his mother; and no one can replace a boys mother. Just remember that children need both their parents. Maybe you son is just reclaiming his place in his father's life.
In no time you will be saying the same think I'm saying to you, to some other mother. Peace be with you.

First off, you need to pull back from your kids a bit. This is a common problem of divorced mothers. We (I am guilty as well) tend to move them up to the friend, confidant possition and not keep them in the child/mother position. The reason your son wants to live with his dad is because dad will treat him as an equal and a friend and not displine him as a parent should.
Next you should really try to get Dad on the discipline bans wagon. He really needs to support you and your current husband in whatever disciple you hand out. You may need to consult Dad with what the behavior is and see what he can live with as far as discipling your son.
Last, if your son wants to live with dad, let him go. You will find that he prefers your structure and discipline than a life out of control. Kids kick against the pricks when it comes to discipline, but they like it and they need it.
On last comment, thank God everyday for your current husband. He stepped in and took the reins that your ex left behind. He seems to love and honor and cherish your kids. And that is so hard to find. I also married a man who had no children when I had 3 and we then had 2 more together. He is an excellent father and treats all of them as if they were his own. They respect him and love him. He is harder on them than I am, but it's a good mix of stern and mild to help them all grow up well balanced.
Good Luck! Check out the book, "Yes, Your teen is crazy" by Michaels Brady. It totally changed the way I looked at my kids.

Sounds like you are letting a 13 yr old decide what is best for him/he doesn't know whats best for him. He needs to be told what's best for him. If you have custody of him or joint then you are still the boss not him. He needs consistentcy, not change. Make sure he spends lots of time with his dad but tell him no he can't move out. Just give him more time away for now. All of spring break or whatever. The guys with the gifts always seem like the good guys til they grow up a little. He will come around just don't give in. He needs to respect your husband as well, step dad or not he is an authority in his life that can help him be a man. He needs a good man to pour into him.

T.,

Even though you have a very open relationship with your son maybe there are some things going on at his age that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you right now( maybe more embarassed. As far as living with his dad it may just be out of rebellion for being grounded however it may also be he needs to have a man to talk to about his physical and emotional chaging needs.

I just went through a very rocky time with my 13 year old daughter. And what i have determined is no matter how open our relationship was,the age they are still won't let them get passed the embarassment factor.

It didn't sound like your husband and son have a very close relationship, maybe he needs a man in his daily life. Whether you agree with his father's idea's or not he is still his father and maybe he needs that. if you have been with you husband now for so long the kids are not partly his they are his to from the minute he said " I do"
Maybe if you would lean on him more instead of your son or your parents would lighten up when he tries to discipline him also maybe he would feel more compelled to sit down with your son and try to determine what is REALLY bothering him and why his grades are slipping. Maybe if your son felt closer to him, he might find the man he is looking for to talk to right there at home and not feel the need to move.

In the end no kid comes with a manual all of us were different and all kids will remain to be. Just let him know you ALL love him and want what is best while trying to let him have some control he might just surprise you MINE SURE DID

Hi T.,

It's never easy when two parents don't agree on a parenting technique. I would think that from an outsider's point of view, I could generally give this advice and hope it helps.

Your son, it seems, left because he feels a little smothered by discipline (though I think you were right). When he was living in your house, I gather, you were making most of the rules without his Dad, probably? Well, now that he's with his Dad, perhaps you can give your son a little space (instead of freaking out), and I'll bet he will respect you for it. Also, try talking to his Dad calmly to see if you can find a middle ground for discipline. This may lighten the stress levels between you all, and you may have to compromise a little more than you really want to, but it may get your son back into your house. Then, at that point, perhaps he'll respect you a little more and you can discuss house rules again.

It is very natural for a teenager to want to take the 'easy way out'. Don't take it personally, dear.

Good luck!

Even though I have not been through this I had a friend experince the same with her daughter. She continued to love and support her and her daughter figured out the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. I hope things go well for you. Just be patient.

A. M.

I certainly don't have answers to everything you are seeking advice about, but I wanted to give me perspective about slipping grades.

I was always an A/B student, until I was about 13. I didn't know what was happening at that time, and I was horrified when I started getting Cs and Ds. Looking back, I believe it was because I was a very sensitive teenager, and a weirdo, was easily hurt by my classmates, and in defence subconsiously tried to stop competing with people who were hurtful to me. I think this was worsened by the fact that I learn very independently and would have benefitted from a less competitive and individual minded atmostphere in general.

I don't know know what your son's problem is, maybe he does just needs to be pushed harder. I just want to throw it out there that there might be something more significant going on, and he might not be able to be forced into getting good grades by his privilages being taken away- i certainly couldn't.

More important than grades is an active interest in learning and the desire and ability to make and reach goals. School will one day be over, but if your child always tries to better himself, he will be motivated to surpass his difficulties.

T., I feel for you and your situation. My son 14 lives with his Dad and my Daughter 13 this Friday lives with my husband and I. My husband has been with us since they were 2 & 3 years old. My Daughter goes back and forth if she wants to live with us or her Dad (where her brother lives). She wants to live with them after a rough week at home and her Step-Mom "talks" with her. It has come down to tears several times. She says she misses her Dad but he never pays attention to her, it's always the Step-Mom who pickes her up and drops her off, I don't even speak with my Ex, I always have to go through her. Long story short I wish I had a better answer than to say our kids who have it all want it all without having to pay the price for it... getting good grades, being respectful, cleaning up after themselves etc. I have learned I have to be the strong one and try not to let it hurt me, she isn't trying to hurt me like your son isn't trying to hurt you. They just want the easy way out.

Hope this helps and I'm sorry if it made anything worse.
Good luck, K.

Do you know why his grades are not good. He is not motived or something. It seems that kids at this age are having to deal with hormonal changes as well as everthing else. Maybe you should let your son and his step father do some bonding too. Let them spend time having fun together. Also let his biological father know about the bad grades and perhaps giving him things may not be a good idea. Having more than one male in your sons lives can be a bleesing so let them know that. Also you do not want to be the bad "guy" but you want your son to do well. You know he is able to do well in school he just needs alittle encouragement. Try to punish less and encourage more. Explain that you love him and you want him to succeed and I am sure he wants to succeed too. One last piece of advice PRAYER. Lots and lots and lots of prayer. I hope this helps, don't worry he will come back to you.

.

I want to leave a response as an adult who came from a situation sort of like your son. I am the middle of three children and my parents adopted and raised three of my cousins from toddlerhood (six all together). So what happened played a major role in all of our lives.

My parents separated 13 years ago, and as with most divorces it wasn't pretty and we were all caught in the middle. They both only thought of themselves and to this day still do. Speaking only for myself now, I was given NO bounderies and got to do whatever I wanted. If I was mad at one parent I would move in with the other until I had a problem with them and would move back. I thought I had it good at the time, but eventually came to realize that it was the worst thing that could happen. My parents didn't co-parent. In fact, they didn't really parent at all. I was left on my own to do what I wanted so that's just what I did. I went wild, quit high school, and was eighteen when I got pregnant with my first child.

Things have turned out okay now. I'm married to the father of my children. We are one of the lucky few who meet young and fast and stay together. He has a great job, and has given me the opportunity to stay at home as long as I like. It was no thanks to my parents though. Not that I'm not happy with where I am now, but I really do wish that my parents would have communicated and worked together. That way I could have gotten where I am now a lot differently. Learning things the hard way is not always the best way. I believe that had my parents done with me what you've done with your son, I would be a whole lot better off.

I don't know your son so I can't say that he will go off like I did. I'm just one example of how things can happen.

All of that being said, keep the boundaries you've set. Please communicate with his father about what happened and why they happened the way they did. You need to work together or it won't work at all. Let your son get angry. No matter how mad he gets or what he says or how long he stays mad, I assure you he'll get over it. Letting him move out is letting him run away from his problem. Don't lose control. You're his parent before you are his friend. He'll be grateful in the end. And remember, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!

I think the key to your question, lies in this sentence you said (and nothing really else):

"My biggest problem I think is that I have built my world around my boys and I am loss when they are not with me."

You are very insightful and are very probably RIGHT. I would correct that, and all the other things will fall into place.

Despite the fact that dad is permissive (which sucks), boys DO need to be around their dads, particularly in the teenage years. It's part of the psychological age to break away from the mother, and your older son, who still loves you, senses this and is trying to follow that biological urge.

It's up to you to make it the least painful for everyone. :) I think you can do it.

Recommended read: "Why Gender Matters" by Leo Sax, at Amazon.com

Hi, right now your son is looking at the materialistic things that Dad can provide and he's not looking at the love that Mom is giving, which that's how kids are sometimes. In time he will come to see that Dad loves him to but Mom's love is greater, he will see that the materialistic things won't replace your love. Pray over this, in time it will all come together, even though he's making a choice that is breaking your heart, let him know that your with him no matter where he goes. Hope every thing works out.

God Bless!
S.

I have a 14 year old girl. She just started high school, and the grades are slipping. She has always been a good student. I took away her phone, computer, iPod, and anything else I could think of until the grades come up. This is good parenting, and don't ever doubt that you are doing anything wrong. It sounds like the issues are with the father-he needs to stand by whatever decisions you make since you are the childs primary care giver. He is placing you in a position that is not fair. Is it possible to sit down with him and explain that you need him to be on your side when it comes to dicipline? Your husband sounds wonderful-it is a hard position for him to be in also. I think that your son does want to go and live with his dad because there is no dicipline, any kid wants that-but he needs to be with you! (I know you know that) Is it a situation where you can put your foot down and tell him he has to stay with you? I am sure you have thought of that too-I am just trying to help. Good luck and I hope it all works out!