Being Assertive

Sometimes....sometimes....a TINY eye roll goes a long way.

People are funny. Sometimes they need to make others feel bad so they can feel good. But here is what I know...people can only make you feel inferior with your permission. If you let her comments bother you, they will bother you. If you decide that she is "full of it" then she can say whatever she wants and it won't bother you.

The real question is, do you want to be friends with this lady? Do you feel that she adds value to your life? If it is simply about the kids hanging out then that is easy...offer a "play date swap" one day you get all the kids, the next time she does. You and her don't even have to hang out.

I will tell you a little secret...you are a grown up...you get to pick your friends!

B.

You just need to learn how to distance yourself from people you don't really like. Just because you are neighbors, or because you have kids the same age, doesn't mean you need to hang out. Yes, be civil and polite of course, but there's no need to have full on conversations about parenting or politics or religion or anything else. If she gets chatty with you just smile and say, "okay, well it was nice talking to you but I've got a lot to do today, see you around" and then walk away.
Re your husband? I don't know. What does the bus have to with how much money he makes? Our public school bus costs almost $400 per year per kid which makes it a luxury for most people. Not sure where he's coming from. Is he feeling stretched too thin? Taking care of a wife and children doesn't come easily to all men. Even the strong, confident ones get scared sometimes. I don't think women always understand how hard it is for them to be the sole financial support for an entire family. I know you're pregnant and hormonal but try to see it from his side too.

"Illegitimus non carborundum"
or as the saying goes, "Don't let the bastards grind you down."

She has her way and you have your way. If you feel badly after talking to her, excuse yourself and walk away. Or better yet, try and let it go.........

I have a good friend that parents in a similar way as your friend. When my son was sick we were chatting on the phone and she kept offering ways to help him get better. Mostly talking about all sorts of supplements and things I just don't do. She asked me if I gave him a bath in eucalyptus oil and something else, to make him feel better. I paused for a second thinking how best to respond and I just burst out laughing saying, I don't have that stuff at home! She burst out laughing too. It was a fun conversation!

i wouldn't even worry about asserting myself around her (it will probably just escalate things and possibly put a crimp in an otherwise pleasant relationship), just learn how not to let it bug you. there are a lot of good psychic shielding techniques out there (surround yourself with an egg of impenetrable light, or have a guardian dragon, or a nice moat full of sharks, or laser guns beaming rainbow light at people who annoy you etc) but one of the most effective ways of coping is to develop a light sense of humor about it. she can plomp her ironclad opinions on you to her heart's content, but if your response is always something along the lines of 'that's terrific! it seems to work very well for you!' or 'my son's already a tiger-taming contortionist fire-eater, i don't dare take him to the circus or they'll run away with him' and refuse to allow yourself to be drawn into a debate, you can sail along just fine. she's really not 'making' you feel inadequate, you're just feeling a trifle sensitive and allowing yourself to fall into that pit. probably a combination of hormones, and that your husband too is feeling a bit stressed.
keep it light, keep it funny, and if nothing else work, excuse yourself pleasantly and get away from her.
khairete
S.

I know how you feel, but don't ever let her opinions make you feel bad! I know a lot of people like her and they are hard to hang around for long. They are always telling everyone their opinions and talking about all these issues. It gets really old after a while. I actually buy a lot of organic, make mostly all homemade foods, order grassfed beef from a local farmer, blah blah blah. But when I am around someone so opinionated and always talking about it, I want to break out the hotdogs and cheetos. Anyway...take her opinions with a grain of salt and just do your best in life and don't beat yourself up about it! If she is making you feel bad about your choices in life, you should limit your time with her. You can handle it like this: Over time you might start feeling more and more annoyed with your friend. You will probably spend less time with her. You will make other friends who you click with better. You will just gradually stop hanging out as often (but it's good to still be friendly and kind to her).

Being "assertive" isn't where you want to go with a person like this. You'll end up with the opposite of your desired result.

Some folks are what I call "One Uppers." They *always* have to be right, their way is the ONLY way, and if you have a story, they always have one that's worse or better (depending upon the need they want to be fulfilled).

It's important that we remember that their reactions aren't about them having us feel bad (even though it might feel that way sometimes), but that they are looking for validation and acceptance. You might think that such a person is as confident as can be, but the truth is that they're really rather insecure. Which is why they seek to validate their choices by invalidating others'.

Many times, when that person feels like they are being validated and accepted, they back off on their aggressive need to always be right. The best way to do this is to use Active Listening techniques (you can Google that), which usually includes validating but noncommittal responses.

Also remember, how you're feeling isn't all her fault. You have choice in this. You're choosing to allow what she says to make you feel guilty. Why? Do you really think you're a bad mother because you don't do all the (rather extreme, in my opinion) things that she does? I doubt that you really think that. Don't compare yourself to someone who is so insecure in her choices that she has to put them on blast to the whole world.

Back your emotions up a bit and remember: She's not in control of your feelings of guilt....you are. Regardless of whether she would have the whole world to feel guilty for not parenting just like her, is she actually justified in that? Of course not. So just smile, nod, and "Oh, hmmm." when she goes on....and then go parent and love on your family in YOUR way.

I'd also suggest that you reassure your husband that you love him and are so thankful for what he provides to your family. It sounds like he's nervous about the financial implications of this impending delivery. That's totally daddy behavior! Perhaps it might help to sit down and take a look at the budget, even if you don't actually change anything. It will help him to feel like you're both on the same page as far as financial goals. "I feel like maybe you're worried about money with the new baby coming. I'm not worried because I know that you're an amazing provider. Should we look at the budget to see where we could be saving better?"

She doesn't sound very nice

Honestly, I think that your first order of business is to stop talking to this neighbor so much. It doesn't seem like you have much in common or really even like her, so why are you talking to her (or listening to her blather on about every opinion she has?). I am not talking about shunning her- but why not take the opportunity to start socializing with the other parents in the neighborhood and at school, and form some good friendships? Meanwhile, when you see this lady, politely say hello but have other things to do- "Hello, Suzy, I've got to run, hope you are having a great day!" You can be kind but not get sucked in to her unpleasant conversation (I really would not find a conversation about the top ten reasons to never visit the circus pleasant at all. Ugh!)
And, if you by chance get stuck next to her and she starts a monologue about why she believes this or that, it is just fine to smile and say, "How interesting. Well, I've got to go talk to the teacher about blah blah..." You don't have to give your opinion, defend your opinion or agree with her. Just smile and find an excuse to go somewhere else.

Sounds like she's got all the zeal and bluster of a convert on a mission path. What proves right for her and her brood may or may not prove right for yours.

I'd respond with comments like -
thanks for letting me know
glad that is working well for you
I'll keep that in mind

You can't and shouldn't take on trying to get her to come off her pulpit. Just acknowledge and be non committal and make friends elsewhere.

As for hubs, sometimes if I want to vent, rather than have a conversation about a thing, I let him know. That way he can offer me a different kind of ear and not take on "setting it right".

Best,
F. B.

Just do not respond at all.
Or just say, that is cool, or that is interesting.

Usually people can have conversations and talk about what they believe, but they are not expecting a reply or a comment. It is just conversation.

If I ask for your help or opinion, I will listen. If I think it will work for me, I may give it a try, but if I do not follow your advice, it is not because I do not like you, do not think it was a bad idea. It may be that, I am just not willing to put the effort, or afraid to give it a try, or maybe I am too lazy. But it is in no way so thing I am concerned about.

People are all different. They put their energies into what they think is important. I have my own oddities and many opinions, all asked on my own interest, experiences.

I like sharing ideas. But life is not a compietition. It is a life filled with all sorts of people coming into your life at different times.

We each need to do what is best for us and let them do what is best for them. Do not take all of this stuff so personally.

How about, "Oh, we LOVE chinese food!" or "I should buy organic, but I'm concentrating on saving for college". I don't know, but a quick positive statement might make you feel better. It's okay to like different things. If she comes back with a negative response to your statements, that's when you know the friendship needs to be limited. You should feel good around friends. :)

Oh geez . . . most of us long-time moms know these types of women.

If I had my kids to raise over again (they're 19 & 16) I would not get overly invested in the parents of friends/neighbor kids. I would keep it very nice and polite but relatively superficial.

I'd save the philosophical discussions for people I trust and know as friends preferably outside my role of mom (as tough as that is to do when you have little ones).

Just my $.02.

PS: I probably feel the same way your neighbor does about organic and the circus but I wouldn't go out of my way to lecture you about it.

I lived with an aunt that was like this. In the end, she ran everyone off and no one wanted to be around her. My uncle developed an ulcer being around her. I feel sorry for her husband and kids.

Seek out other people to be friends with and nurture those friendships. Speak to hubby in a gentle way and explain that you were not wanting to "keep up with the Joneses" you just had a venting moment. Say you are sorry to smooth out the feathers.

You can't control the neighbor but you can control you and what you do with her.

the other S.

"Hmmmm...."

That's my response when someone is talking rubbish. She has her opinions. They are just hers. Here's the thing-- people who are that controlling or particular about everything in life and need to tell you how/why they are doing what they are doing~

they are very draining after a while. If your neighbor doesn't want to use the school bus, you might want to do some research to be prepared for that follow-up conversation. Do you know that the bus is actually *safer* than driving a car to school? Do you know that people in China actually feed their kids Chinese food? Do you see where I'm going with this?

Your friend is full of hot air. Tell your husband that you agree with him-- that you are glad to be with him and that you aren't so deluded that the school bus isn't 'good enough' for your family. Who knows? Maybe it will be a blessing that you won't have to see her at the bus stop! Ultimately, you are your child's parent and isn't that a blessing that your kids have a mom who doesn't have lists of why the circus is bad or won't let them eat something out of fear... what an awful way to live.

(I say this as a mom who does agree with a couple of your friend's points, but am sensitive enough to understand that not everyone shares my views on certain things and they certainly don't need to hear the information from me. It would only make them feel uncomfortable. )

Just because she has strong opinions and convictions doesn't invalidate yours. I didn't pick up from your post that she tells you you're wrong for feeling the way you do or doing the things you do. As long as you can agree to disagree then why do you feel the need to assert yourself? Be okay with your choices and that is that.

If her strong convictions are a deal breaker than distance yourself from her.

Different strokes for different folks!
When she gets on her soapbox just tell her "we're going to have to agree to disagree".
We go to the circus/aquariums/zoos.
We eat Chinese food (no doubt MSG horrifies her).
We don't prohibit super heroes.
We don't ban the drinking of soda but we try to keep it to once per week.
And my child rides the bus.
If eating all organic spins her prop - more power to her! - but I don't have to feel guilty if my kids enjoy a meal by Chef Boyardee every so often.
She must be feeling very defensive regarding her choices - she must be if she feels she has to inform everyone about them all the time.
Really - it's fine for her to do what ever she wants but it's equally fine for you to do what ever you want.

As for your husband - tell him that discussing the neighbor and her choices was not meant in any way as a lead in to saying you want to be anything like her and you're sorry if that's how he took it but that's not what you were trying to say at all.
Sounds like he's stressing over the cost of the new family member a bit.
The last few months of pregnancy and first few months of new baby are stressful on everyone but you'll all get through it!

I know woman like this and I'm friendly to them, but I'm not friends with them because I'd go nuts. My first year as a stay at home mom I let women like this make me feel like I was doing something wrong, ultimately it was MY fault for allowing that not theirs. I learned to just be comfortable and confident in how I parent, it's not a one size fits all for families. If she says something that you disagree with you can tell her why or simply nod and say "that's interesting", which is what I often do because it's not always worth it. Don't discuss her with your husband, I can see how that might annoy him- brings back a memory of an argument my husband and I had on using cloth diapers. lol

The school bus part made me laugh, I'm one of those mom's who puts her K son on the bus because A. it teaches him to be independent B. he LOVES it and C. it's easier.

When I am feeling overwhelmed by certain "outside forces"--which can include someone else's strong personality--I take a break from it. I ground/center myself in MY stuff, get comfortable and secure in it, so that I can feel confident when something comes along to counter it. It doesn't mean that I am impervious to someone else's different way of thinking or being. It means that I am not shaken by it.

It is okay to admit when you are facing a challenge. It doesn't make you weak or bad when you are forced to question what you're doing and why. It might help you to simply see it as an opportunity to really consider what you do and why, and gain strength from your decisions. She is not a bad person for having this effect on you. This is just what happens when a personality like hers and a personality like yours come together. The key for you is to be aware of how you respond to it--which you seem to be--and then figure out the best options for learning from it.

Even with people I cannot stand to be around, I try to let each case teach me about who I am and who I want to be. Something along those lines might work better for you long term. You don't need to stand up to her or focus on teaching her any lesson. You need to stand up to yourself inside yourself and find confidence in who you are.

I think that for now, you should see this woman only when you absolutely must see her, and keep these events short and crowded, not one on one. It's okay to wait until you feel stronger to engage with her one on one. You don't owe too many people your intimate presence. You owe it to your husband and kids, your parents to an extent. You don't owe your intimacy to the woman down the street who happens to have kids the same age(s) as yours.

PS. It's not silly for you to bring it up, either. It's not silly for something like this to bother you. It's just important that when you see it being an issue for you, you address it with yourself. Kudos!

I think perhaps the best solution is not to be more assertive, but to simply disengage. You will not change her mind or help her understand that her need to push her views onto other people is annoying and counterproductive. And by defending your choices, you just seem defensive, which gives her more power. Maybe you can come up with a mantra when she starts proselytizing, something like "different strokes for different folks" or just change the subject.
Edit: If it makes you feel any better, I obsess about these things too. It's never easy meeting the challenges of interpersonal relationships,.

You need to stay on neutral subjects around her. There are a number of moms on my dd's gymnastics team who all eat gluten free, organic...etc. I do the best I can to feed my dd healthy, but between her pickiness etc. it doesn't always happen.
I just don't bring up subjects that I know will trigger on the conversations about food, healthiness, etc.
Talk about the weather, or other things that don't push your hot buttons...also minimize contact (i.e. at gymnastics meets, I usually sit way up high and bring work to do so I don't get stuck in these conversations.)