Being a Step Mom

My husband went through the same thing when my daughter was 11. She felt like he was trying to take me away from her. I had to sit down with her and pull those feelings out of her. I told her that the proper order of a family is a mom & dad first, and the children 2nd. And just like any adult/child relationship, if I'm not present to give instruction on her behalf, she needs to obey the adult that I left in charge in my absence (as long as they are not instructing her to do something wrong). My husband was more of friend to her than a parent most times but the love was there & she eventually saw it and learned to love him back. It's not easy, hang in there & she'll eventually come around. She needs to see the love & respect first. And try to spend some one on one time with her if she'll allow it. But do not let her walk all over you either. Respect goes both ways.

Take it day by day.
I am a step-mom of 2, they are older now and moved out, It was a challenge,
They did the same stuff to me, you have talk to your hubby and make sure that what ever goes on that you wont break up, You have to have a strong relationship.
My problems were the kids mother using the kids to get to us. It was rough but just keep in the back of your mind that it will get better and they grow up fast and will be moved out before you know it.
Trying to be their friend, I found was useless, I ended up just treating them as though they where my own kids, everyone got treated the same, what I did for one I did for all,
I did not try to replace there mother but when they where at our house they were treated as equals.
We went thru that fighting thing, we all sat down and set rules, as a family, and if they tried to use dad aginst me, he did the punishing, they spent alot of time in there room, All kids with broken familys go thru the stages, I am from a broken family, I hated my step father, but know we are great together. My mom did the same thing with us,
Sat us down and said we are a family we will all be treated the same and if you do bad then you will be punished all the same, She said, dont play us aginst eachother bacause it wont work, we can be happy or we can be miserable, but we will stay family.
It will get better, I dont know if I helped you,
I say just treat them as equals, they will hate you and love you. it is stages of a broken family, The kids got it tougher than you, remember that, They dont have there mom and dad together, that is all they are thinking about. Sit downs as a family and talk and set rules.

J.,

You don't say how old your step-daughter is. It's kind of hard to make suggestions, since so much with kids is age-sensitive.

My best advice without knowing how old she is would be to have her Dad sit down with her and talk about the situation. He probably has a better relationship with her than you do, and might be able to get to the root of what her hostility is all about. This is something that should be done at a neutral time, like not right after the two of you have an argument. It should also be done someplace private, like maybe he could take her out somewhere and have lunch with her, or take her to the park for a walk and a talk.

Regardless of what her problem with you is, he should end the discussion by reinforcing the idea that he loves you very much, and you are an important part of his life, just like she is. That while you're not her Mom, and would never try to be her Mom, you are an adult in a position of authority, and she has to treat you with respect. If she's older than 4 or 5, you can't really step in as a disciplinarian, she's too old to accept it. BUT, just like her teacher (if she has one) is not her parent, she still has to listen to you and show respect.

sorry you're in such a tough situation. But, you're an amazing woman to even care so much.

First thing I'd do is constantly remind myself she's a pre-teen and those hormones are starting to boil up. She's all sorts of emotionally imbalanced plus, I'm sure very jealous.

I'd suggest you don't push the issue. Let her have her feelings, although unfair, but she's way to immature to really keep her feelings in check.

Also, encourage your husband to make "dates" with his daughter. You can suggest places or make reservations for them so that she knows his and her relationship is always a priortiy.

I was a step child from 9 years old on. I'm now 39. The biggest piece of advice I can offer from the child's eyes is to make sure that the child and the father still get time to do special things alone. I think if that happens, the children will be better about doing things as a family too.

This is a difficult situation....I think the best thing you could try to do if you havent already tried...is keep the communication with her a very honest one...tell her that your not replacing her mother...that she already has one mom and one dad. Try telling her that you will be there for her if she needs to talk to someone...Let her know that your married to her dad now...and that your not going anywhere and that you both will be living in the same house for a long while. Let her know that your not going to tolerate her behavor as far as trying to get in between you and her dad...and when she does do it...let there be a punishiment that you and your husband both agree on....she is the child and your the adult...she needs to learn her boundries...just keep being a good step parent and give her some time...(I know that sounds like forever)....have your husband involved in the conversation with her....she is going to be going thru alot the next few years as far as growing up...and you cant make everyone happy...so just keep doing your best...stand your ground when needed and hopefully she figure out that your not so bad and come around....it could be just her age and maturity. Good luck!! and stay strong!!!

I'm a step-mom of a 16 yr old girl I met her at 11 what I did was I sat down with her and explained to her that I wasn't trying to take her moms place but I love her dad and I will be there for her no matter what she does to me. and she wasn't all that thrilled with the idea at first but as she has gotten older she has realized that I was there to help her and now she comes to me instead of her own mom I'm always honest with her no matter what. I do recomend haviong a discussion with her and her father were that 3 of you sit down and have an understanding that you and her dad are united and she can't break that as long as you both keep your cool and decide before sitting down with her that you are united it really helps I'm kind of strict with the rules but it seems to have helped it doesn't always work but I wish you the best.
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god bless,
A.

I am a stepmom also and it is very hard, much harder than evening having your own kids. Boys adapt better they don't see you as a threat to their mother girls can be very difficult. The best advice I can give you is to not act like you are her mother, you are strickly a "friend" at this point. Have her father handle all he disciplining of her. Don't initite the punishment either, if she does something and he needs to be aware of it and give out punishment tell him when she is not around. If not you will become the "reason" she is alway sin trouble. This will make her despise you even more. Be there for her when she gets in trouble, if your husband will do it set something up where she gets in trouble and you defend her and maybe even take the blame for something that happened. Let her know that you are there and have "her back" so to speak. Just don't let her take advantage of your kindness, somethings she will have to deal with the reprucussions of on her own. Don't fight with your husband in front of her about her ever. Then she will think she is winning. It is all a game now matter what anyone tells you, you just need to play it right. You will find your groove, just be on her side. Hope it all works out just fine for you. Best of luck.

Try to think of yourself as an aunt. A fun aunt. It can't be fun all the time, esp. if they live with you, but try to keep things light. Try to find a little time with her alone as well as giving her time alone with her dad.
And don't take it personally if preteens and teens are mean. . . it may not have anything to do with you.
Be patient, try to bite your tongue, and hope for the best. I find it interesting to see in all the responses that so many kids seemed to change their views as they grew older.
Perhaps a little jealousy of the other, younger, daughter is going on with your family. In this case, a little time alone here and there with your stepdaughter may help.

Hi J.,
I am a step child to a woman i do like now. as long as she's not in a mood. LOL all kidding aside. Dont worry she will warm up. I dont know if you have tried girltime with her. When I was a kid that what my step mother did. Believe it or not private time helps make a bond. She will see that your not the emeny

N.

I have seen this through a stepfathers eyes. I have 3 kids. They were 14,11,boys and 5, daughter. When I meet my present husband. I had been alone with the kids for 4 years and we were pretty solid as a family. My oldest (as in your situation) Hated him right off. Because he was taking me away so to say. My husband tried everything. But the harder he pushed the more my son would fight. At 16 my son moved out. And to this day my husband blames himself. How long were they alone as a family of 4 before you came in the picture? She was The mom so to say. The boys looked to her for that. Maybe she didnt do everything for them but its still the same. and when dad came home he talked to her because she is older. Now when dad comes home he talks to you. When dad came home he would greet them first. Nowyou are there to recieve his attention.. Thats the way its supposed to be. But single parents mess things up by treating there children as equals when we are alone. Then when we remarry, we expect them to understand being put aside. sure we still love them and spend time with them and such. But we cant xpect them to be treated as equals and the go back to being kids when it suits us. I messed up. My advice. Love her and try to think about what I have said and see if it fits. ask dad to tell you about how they interacted before you. If this is true for them. Then try treating her the same but then slowly allowing her to slip back into childhood again. It just sounds like she grew up to fast so try this. it may work. and remember parents arent perfect, We make mistakes but hopefully we learn from each one and wont make it a second time. keep me informed. And dont let it ruin your relationship. Feel preveledged each day theat they have let you into their family.

my step-daughter is 8 but i've been in her life as long as she can remember, so my situation is a bit different. But first of all it sounds like you really need your husband's support in this too! She needs to see how important you are to him and still see how important she is to him!
I really agree with one of the previous responses that "girl time" has always been helpful in keeping our bond strong. Find something that you both have in common (or if there isn't anything, find something she likes to do) and do it just the 2 of you. It may be awkward at first, but if you start small and make a habit of it it is something that will help her get to know the real you.
My other advice is don't try to JUST "be her friend". You are a parent. You may not be her mother, but you're the adult and have authority in your home. It's super hard sometimes, but in my family i really try for a happy medium. She knows that I'd never try to be her mother, but we've developed a very unique relationship that's neither purely parent or buddy-buddy. I've told her mother that too because she had a hard time with me at first.
And you didn't really specify her mom's statuts - but another thing that may help (but can be hard in some situations!), is try to let her see you getting along with her mother if the mom's still in the picture. Initially i did not get along with my step-daughter's mom AT ALL! She was soooo difficult! She later told me she was jealous of me and had a hard time with me being in her daughter's life. But as time went on i made a huge effort to try and at least be able to talk normally to her mom and even joke and laugh a bit, especially in front of the children.
And (even though sometimes we don't always want to hear it lol) my husband and I always encourage my step-daughter to talk about her "other family" at our home too and we show interest, so she knows we're not trying to keep her from her mom and that side of her family when she's with us. We try to encourage "one reality" instead of 2 separate families and 2 separate lives for her. I really saw a difference in my step-daughter after each "family" started accepting the other - she was much more comfortable and happy. We definitely don't all get along all the time, we even had to get court involved one time, but we try to expose her only to the "good interactions" between her mom and dad. sorry if that was a bit long - but hope it helped a little bit :)

I know that it's hard but don't give up on trying to connect with her...and if you know that she's manipilating any situation try not to play into it because then you're giving her total control she has to understand that you're not trying to be her mother you need to just be her friend right now then once there's trust the rest will fall into place...and i'm speaking from her point of view because I had a step-mom that I put through hell and now we're as close as we could ever be. So just keep trying it'll all work out.

please never again use the term "step mom" this term from the start has a negative energy.

For more than 12 years I have been a "BONUS MOM" to 3 children and I have 3 "bonus children".

They have been my bonus to marriage...and I have been a bonus addition to their lives over the year..

Words can make a difference....An experienced "Bonus Mom"

I have a step daughter too but I do not consider her that as I am her mom. Her mom had died when she was 4 and now she is 15. I have two other children from this marriage 8 and 6 both girls.

It is a hard situation. I know as I am there too. I did not want or do want to replace her mom but in a way I did as her biological mom is not here any more. So I am the one dishing it out if you know what I mean. Yes she has been nasty to me and wishing I was not here and her bio mom was here. I cannot change that and she beats me up for it. She does not understand how her father could move on either. So she does try to get between us and sometimes it works but then I figure it out exactly what she is doing and I put a stop to it. She sees that our relationship is different than my relationship with my two children. There are a lot of underlying issues there why that is. Too long to explain in a response.
As someone told me once, teenagers are meanagers.

I could go on forever. There is nothing you can do to make her like you. Just be yourself hopefully she will come around. Yeah I am sure it hurts you on what she says and does but don't let it get to you. I don't know your circumstances but hang in there and be strong and don't let her get between you and your husband.

I am a step mom too and I know it can be hard. Hang in there. Best advice is to stop trying to get her to like you, the more you work on her the more you might be pushing her away. Don't fall into the game of her trying to break up the family. You need to be honest with her and tell her you know what she is doing and it isn't going to work. When I started ignoring my stepdaughter, she couldn't stand it and had to start hanging out with me. We get along fine now. Good luck.

J., she may not really hate the ground you walk on, but you may not see it until she is an adult. I have a soon to be 17 y/o step daughter, and the teenage years seem to be even worse! I've been in her life since she was 4 and I'm still not sure she really likes me. But I keep trying to be a good parent to her knowing that when she does become an adult she will realize what she has put us through. Good luck and just hang in there. My motto is this too shall pass.