Behavior from Another Mom

Updated on October 12, 2013
J.P. asks from Beverly Hills, CA
5 answers

How should I handle a very uncomfortable situation? My daughter received a book as a gift from a friend and when we opened it, it was inscribed to her daughter from the paternal grand parents. It was a very special book to my friend's daughter with specific reasons for the grand parents wanting her to have it. I feel very uncomfortable accepting this and I feel her husband probably has no clue that she disrespected his parents in that way by re gifting a specially inscribed book to their child. The book's significance and the content makes it something that wasn't even suited for our daughter and I feel betrayed by my friend that she put no thought into this gift. She clearly never opened the book to see the special inscription to her own daughter and also because the content was somewhat boring and more specific to her child and her history, she felt she would pawn it off on my daughter because it wasn't something she liked or wanted. I am hurt and also very disappointed. They have plenty of money, her hubby has a great job, is very generous and lavishly spoils her, so money would not be the reason. As a matter of fact,they take frequent vacations, weekend trips and blow through money foolishly, Although, I have realized that when it comes to splitting a lunch check, buying gifts for friends, etc... she is very frugal. She splurges on herself with expensive brand shoes, clothing and purses and buys lower quality clothes even for her own daughter. Even though I recognized that before, it never occurred to me that she would stoop this low.
Who does this and how should I handle it? I feel like I want to send the book back to her and let her husband know what she did but I am reluctant to do so unless I am willing to end the friendship. Is this a friendship worth keeping? We have mutual friends and it could create an even more uncomfortable situation if I end this friendship but still do play dates and continue to see her. And it makes me question many things now about her behavior in the past. I have always wanted to think the best of her and have questioned things before. Some of our friends have also noted they received re gifted items for their children, which I defended her on that in the past and said I didn't see anything wrong with it if the gift was still appropriate.One even claimed her gift from her was used, but I didn't want to believe that. I also feel she may be jealous because my daughter is more advanced than hers even though I downplay the differences all the time to make her feel better. Our children are 6 weeks apart, her daughter is older. I had another friend tell me that she was talking bad about my daughter and calling her names. I refused to believe it but now it makes me wonder. We have been friends for 4 years but I am wondering now if I ever really knew her. I really liked her and our children play well together. I am just wondering if I will ever get past this and ever trust her again. If she would do something like that to the grand parents what might she do to a friend? I feel she is not very loyal and trust worthy at this point. I have considered just limiting our time together to play dates with our daughters but wouldn't know how to explain my sudden unavailability when she clearly knows my schedule and how much we always had time for her before. Any advice from any of you out there?

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So What Happened?

Thank you to those of you who took the time to write back. I guess I should clarify myself because I think to some, I came off as being disappointed in the gift itself. I would graciously accept anything given to my daughter, and the monetary value has no bearing as long as I know the person cared enough to think of my daughter. If her daughter sat down and colored a picture for mine as her gift, it would touch my heart! As a matter of fact, this year for Christmas we are asking friends and family to donate to our favorite charity in lieu of any gifts to us. Please don't think it was the actual gift that threw me here. The sentimental inscription to her daughter which was clearly disregarded, and the disrespect to the grand parents, is what has disappointed and changed my opinion of her. Before this, I am the only one in our group who defended her actions and has refused to see things others have noticed and pointed out to me before. I guess my obvious disappointment in her came though in my question, but I guess what I was asking was how can I punish her innocent daughter by ending the friendship with her and not giving her daughter the opportunity to play with all of her friends. The rest of the group has been asking to remove her long before this and I am the one who has begged everyone to keep her in our group for her daughter's sake. The kids do all play well together and it breaks my heart to think of the child being excluded.
And in addition, here is an update on how it has been handled this far. I suppose I shouldn't have asked if I should show her husband, because I knew I would have never done that. I guess I was just thinking of how hurt I would be if this had been done to me ( from the grand parents perspective) and I would want someone to tell me.
I did very graciously let her know that we read the inscription and that I felt bad accepting the gift since she must have accidently given it instead of one she had possibly intended.. Her reply was, she had no attachment to the book and to just tear the page with the sentiment out. I'm now more baffled and unable to comprehend this. I guess we are all different and maybe some people just don't have the sentimental values I have? Thank you all for weighing in.

More Answers

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L.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would give the book back to her and just say something like "I noticed this inscription on the inside of the book and I would feel bad about keeping it." Then I'd hand the book to her with the page open to the inscription. That's where I would leave it, IMO. Hopefully, your friend will be horrified enough to end her rude re-gifting practices (used or personal items).

I don't think I would make a big deal and end the friendship or cause a rift in your group. I'd just take the knowledge you now have of her and realize that you can still be friends, but at a much more shallow level.

3 moms found this helpful
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A.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

You're putting waaay too much thought into this. Give the book back to her, show her the inscription and tell her it belongs to her daughter not yours.
You're not in high school anymore, just tread cautiously where this friendship is going. There are all kinds of people in this world, accept her for who she is or write her off. But don't beat yourself up over this relationship too much, she's not worth the angst.

2 moms found this helpful
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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

Dosen't sound like you think the best of her or her husband....you think the worst of both of them. They in turn may not think anything of you (and for good reason after reading your post).....Toss the book and move on to another set of friends that you feel are in your league. They MAY be grateful for the distance at your decline of their invitations. If they don't then tell them about the "regift book" that so offended you and take it from there.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi J.,

Wow, this is a loaded question! You're right -- if you want to keep this woman as a friend you'll have to tread carefully here. First of all, ask yourself how truly important a gift is versus personal interaction. If you value the monetary aspect of a gift more than the intention of the gift giver, then I would give the book back and tell your "friend" how you feel about her actions. Since the woman sounds somewhat self-absorbed from your description, expect the friendship to end there and then. Also realize that this could say something about your own sense of materialism, and expect a backlash.

However, it sounds like you're more hurt by the sense of selfishness and lack of feeling on your friend's part, and also that she would be so shallow as to give away something that was intended to be a very personal gift for someone else. I this case, I would discreetly give the book back to her a say "Oh my goodness -- you must have grabbed the wrong book when you were wrapping little Susie's birthday present to my daughter. I saw her grandparents' message to her in the front cover, and I'm sure Susie will be upset when she realizes that something so special is missing." This will put the onus on your friend to then reflect on her actions, and might open the door for a caring conversation. Or, maybe not. But, what's the point of showing the gift to her husband and just starting an argument in their home? That seems petty and vengeful to me.

As for not trusting your friend, I figure it's better to "know your enemy." If you know your friend talks behind your back, then be careful about what you do and say around her. But, keep in mind that this "knowledge" has come in the form of gossip from another person. Do you trust that person's comments more than your friend's actions? Only you can make that decision. Also, if your friend has a reputation for backstabbing, keep in mind that others getting gossip from her will likely take it with a grain of salt and (hopefully) not allow it to affect their relationships with you and your daughter. If and when such gossip does affect you, that would be the time to address it with both the gossiper and the listeners.

1 mom found this helpful

R.X.

answers from Houston on

I almost totally understand you on this. I do not see that it is about your thinking that she should have spent more, it's that she was unkind in so many ways: not caring about a special gift from grandparents, not caring to even look closely at the gift to your daughter...

I agree with Loving M. Give it back. Quote Loving M.

Where I disagree with you is that it's okay for her to but her child cheaper clothes. She's growing. It would be stupid to do otherwise.

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