Bedtime battle...Im So over It

This was my question on here just over a year ago about what I went through with my daughter at bedtime - maybe you'll find the answers I got helpful:

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/17806246244675354625

The thing is, you are never going to convince her that going to sleep is in her best interest - you are just going to have to be more matter-of-fact about it and let her know that this is just the way it is. And you cannot MAKE her sleep, so if she is laying awake and talking to herself, but not screaming or getting out of bed, that's fine in my book. DD will do that too but I know eventually she will fall asleep. But if she is upset and you offer to sit with her and she starts screwing around, then you get up and leave. DD used to like to be goofy and dance around when she was supposed to be listening to bedtime stories - I finally told her that I needed her to be a good listener and sit still, and if she was going to start acting silly, story time was over. I would also suspect that offering her a number of choices in things is simply prolonging the bedtime routine and basically giving her what she wants - bedtime postponed as she tries to get from you more and more. So simplify, let her know ahead of time what is going to happen and what you will and will not allow, and stick with the plan, no matter what kind of fit she decides to pitch.

Do you know why she goes down so easy at school, but not at home? There aren't suckers at school!!!!!!!

It will get worse before it gets better because you have been letting her win - trying to figure out what she wants and negotiating with a tiny irrational power-hungry terrorist.

Now you have to play catch up.

You say you have not patience for it. You need to find some. Parenting well takes an inordinate amount of patience. Your patience is how they learn. The fact that you have no patience for it is why she is not learning and is, instead, winning.

How long has she been out of control at bedtime? It will take 3x that long to curb a bad behavior (a "habit" is built with consistent behavior repeated for 21 days.) So, you have to first get her to believe you will not give in. No matter what she does. No giving in. For any reason unless she has actually hurt herself and the blood is spurting. No water after the glass she got before bed. No potty after the potty went before bed. Nothing. At all.

It usually takes twice as long to undo something than it did to let it get out of control.

Once she realizes there is nothing she can do to "win" - THEN you have 21 days until her habit is built.

buckle up. it sucks. This is the worst. But remember this, cuz you'll repeat the cycle with other stuff if you aren't careful.

Good Luck.

Stop trying to convince her that she should go to sleep. Have a routine which you matter of factly enforce. Ignore the screaming etc. It's a temper tantrum. The best way to stop tt is to ignore them.

SuperNanny has a routine that works for many families. Put child to bed after bed time routine. Tell her that it's time for bed now and leave. Then calmly, without saying anything after the second time put her back in bed. Repeat as needed, all night if necessary. She will eventually learn that it's to her advantage to stay in bed.

When she awakens during the night screaming, go in to her and soothe her if that's what she needs. But if she sits up and plays, tell her goodnight and go back to bed. If she throws a tantrum, ignore her.

It's OK for her to stay awake, talking to herself and playing. You cannot make her go to sleep. But you don't have to be a part of the talking and playing. And you don't have to be upset, either. Whether or not she sleeps is her decision. She will learn, if you don't feed into her drama, that night is for sleeping.

When you do all those things to convince her to go to bed, stay in bed, go to sleep, you're unconsciously giving her an option as well as telling her that going to bed, etc. is a big deal. It will take time but if you can just stay calm and not respond to her pushing your buttons she will learn to go to bed, stay in bed, and sleep.

I'm sorry you are going through this. She is really pushing your buttons and making everyone miserable.

Not everyone can stand to do it, but making her stay in her room and not allowing her to come out may be your best bet. There will be a lot of crying involved, but if her put your foot down and don't give in, she will eventually learn to put herself asleep.

Good luck,

Dawn

I am okay with giving options, but it sounds like she is figured out that if mom doesn't think I am going to go to bed I am going to get another something. Sounds like you might be starting a reward pattern for a undesirable action.
Like the other posts have said. Unless she is hurt (screaming doesn't count) don't go in there. All you are doing now is sleep training a 3 year old and not a 1 year old. Treat it the same. If she is playing walk out. Don't partake and make a big deal out of it. Say okay mommy is going to bed since it is night time and walk out. Shut the door.
Good luck and get some patience because you have another 15 years of her defying what you want at times.

put a gate across her door or close the door. and let her scream at least at the bedtime part. make sure before that that she has had a drink and went to the bathroom. make sure she has a snack before bed. not a candy cookie type thing but a bowl of cereal or sandwich to make sure she is not waking hungry. and then the only thing she should be up for is bathroom.

Is it time to give up the naps? Just a thought...

Tell her well before bedtime that if she gives you a hard time after you try to put her down peacefully, then you are stripping her of everything - blanket, pillow, blankey, nightlight - everything. If she starts screaming, just quietly start removing things from her room - what the heck, she's gonna scream anyway, right?

Let her see, gently, that if she doesn't want anything you give her to help her go to sleep, then she doesn't have to have it.

If she calms down, then give her one thing back. Tellher if she wakes up screaming or crying, then you take it away. The next night, give her 2 things. The next night, give her 3 things back, until she is back to square 1. Give her a week or so and maybe that will work.

gl!

melatonin is your friend

Sounds to me like she is done with her afternoon nap and just isn't tired at night.

Sounds like she doesn't need the nap anymore. If she's not tired, then she's not going to go to sleep.

Also sounds like she's working you. Let her cry. She'll eventually figure out that she's not going to sucker you & go to sleep on her own.

First of all, getting rid of the nap probably won't help. After you go through her bedtime routine, tell her you will lay down with her for X number of minutes. Then, when time is up, tell her good night and leave. Make sure she understands that she doesn't have to go to sleep but she does have to stay in her bed. Also, no toys of any kind in the bed. My daughter was the same way. She was an early riser, no matter what time she went to bed. We just finally instituted this routine and gave up trying to control her going to sleep. As long as she stayed in her bed and was quiet, it was fine.

watch a few old episodes of Supper Nanny and follow her bed time routine to a T, it works, every time! It will take some patience and persistence but it does work. but for each time you give in, it will take longer for it to work, and you have already given in (unintentionally, because you aren't familiar with her routine) but it will take two or three nights to get things going in the direction you want her to go in. and yes she will scream, that's just part of it.

PM me if you need the details, I've done it with all three of mine and my nephew.

We have had the EXACT same issues. Our daughter did it for 7 months before we found a solution. She still NEEDS her nap (tried not doing it and she just melted down). We have her routine starting at 7:15--PJ's and shower, calm down time in her room with only a lamp on, read stories, talk to her, color, etc.... as long as it is a calm activity. BUT..... what really made a difference for us was setting a timer for 10 minutes. She gets in bed at 7:50 and then we sit with her and hold her hand until the 10 minute timer goes off. For some reason she doesn't mind the timer saying it is time for us to go. It seems like it is not US wanting to leave, but instead this machine saying we have to. She is not giving us any trouble anymore, and sleeps all night. Good Luck!!!!!

Fact is you cannot force someone to go to sleep on command. If she is not tired then she is not tired. It's like telling an adult to lay down and be instantly asleep. Now for me? That might not be hard to do...lol, for a child it's impossible. She is patted on the back and has someone sitting with her rubbing her back when they are laying her down at nap time, I would ask them specifically what works with her so you can duplicate it at home.

I would also let her stay up a bit later. If she stays up a couple of days until she falls asleep then she may "reset" her biological clock a bit and go down later and sleep a bit later or she may go back to her original time. Also, if you are awake, the lights on, TV or radio on, any suggestion that you are not in bed she will stay up so she can participate in the activities with you. So, you are going to have to turn out all the lights, make it dark and quiet throughout the house at her bedtime now. Another reason to make it later than 7:30.