My son is 3 1/2 and recently he doesn't want to sleep in his bed and he is refusing to potty train. He will go to the bathroom for the sitter but not at home. We have tried rewarding him by telling him that if he goes on the potty then he can have a prize, a sticker, just about anything, but he still won't go. I have asked him why he won't go and he just says that its too hard to go at home. We have a stool for him to use and everything! What can I do to get him to go at home for us? He knows when he has to go because he has told me that he has to go right before bed, but not any other time. We have also tried putting big boy undies on him and he peed and pooped in them.
As for bed, well he will go in his room, but then wants me to sit on his bed and not leave. If I try to leave before he is asleep he will start crying. (generally I would let him cry it out, but he shares a room with his sister) After he is asleep I will leave his room, but he will only sleep for 1-3 hours without me there and then is awake and wanting to go sleep in the living room on the couch. I refuse to sleep on the same couch as him now because I don't need him getting used to sleeping with me. We have offered him a big (twin size) bed and he says no it won't help him stay in his room. I am at a loss for this one too. We have gone as far as giving him melatonin or benadryl at night so that he will sleep. (their doctor told me to do this, so it is under doctor's orders)
I just need some mom advise because I am completely lost with all of this. I didn't have these issues with my daughter. Any advise is appreciated!!
Tired mom
Does the sitter have something different that makes it easier? A potty as opposed to a toilet? Find out why it is harder to go at home. Put him in underwear or naked and if he continues to make messes have him clean them up. Cleaning up the mess is definitely harder than going to the potty!
Since your daughter sleeps well and easily, temporarily move her out of the shared bedroom. Then use whatever sleep training method you feel most comfortable with to get your son to sleep and/ or quietly stay in his room. We used Ferber, it worked for us. Once he can be counted on to sleep and or stay in his room quietly, your daughter can move back in.
I don't have much to offer on potty training. Ours knew how, but was refusing to do so consistently. We backed off, and by some miracle (because we needed him to be trained by January for pre-school), he pulled it off. He hasn't wet or soiled since.
Good luck,
F. B.
PS- If it is at all possible, get some extra sleep in yourself (through benadryl, melatonin, etc, for a few nights or with extra long daytime naps) before you start the sleep training. You'll need the strength and fortitude.
I wonder if using the potty has become an emotional issue at home. I suggest the bedtime crying is related. He feels your frustration which feels like anger and fears your leaving him at night. Sleep is like "a little death." Will you be there in the morning? These feelings are unconscious. Just like they are for the baby whose response is feeling only. The baby has no language with which to think.
I suggest you completely stop trying to potty train and you spend some warm perhaps cuddle time with him during the day. Focus on ways to help him feel secure. Praise more than "punish." Tell him all the good things he's doing. Tell him you know he can use the potty and for him to let you know when he's ready to try again. Then don't mention training for a couple of weeks.
Then gently start by suggesting he might be ready to try. Don't force or push him to try. Yes! Talk with his babysitter to learn what is working for her. Then use those ways with your son.
How long have you tried undies? The first day I put my sons in undies they both had tons of accidents, like 13+, and both asked to go back to pull-ups, but I said no, we started this and I know you can do it. The second day they both did better, with just a few accidents, and then by day 3 it was 1 or 2, and then 1 or 2 a week, ect.
As for bed, when he gets up put him back to bed. When he cries come in every so often to comfort him but insist that he must learn to go to sleep without you there. He gets up because he does not know how to go back to sleep without someone there, he has learned bad sleep habits and there is not an easy way to fix it, there will be some long nights ahead, but if you stay consistent things will get better. But deal with one issue at a time, do sleep training or potty training and wait until he has one down pat before moving to the other.
Are you expecting him to tell you when he has to go (clearly not working) or are you telling him when he must sit on the potty. Find out how things are going at the sitter. does he tell her or does she tell him when it's potty time? Does she have a special potty chair that he likes better? Is he going along with peers who are using the potty at the sitters? Peer pressure is great for potty training! Get as many tips from her as possible. I would drop any pressure to perform on the potty. Be very calm and act like you dont care, it's just what three yr olds do, they sit on the potty every hour.
I agree with removing the older sister from his room, so you can let him cry without bothering her. make it clear to her that this is temporary.
I would pick one of those and focus on that before trying to do both at once. Decide which one is more important to you.
As far as giving him benadryl…uh no. I find that surprising that a doctor would say that. Melatonin maybe, but personally I would not give another drug. You can easily create dependency on that.
The best advice I can give on these matters is to remember that you are in charge. That doesn't mean you have to be super strict or mean or yell…but you have to set the expectations and you must follow through. It's not easy. Form a plan and decide what you will and won't do before hand…then do it.
When kids first start using underwear it's a mess. My kids easily went through 10-15 pairs of underwear the first day. That's how it works. Be calm and be patient. Have enough underwear so that you aren't washing in the middle of the day. For me, after the third day we were down to 1-2 pairs/day.
The bedtime issue... the problem seems to me to be that you are giving too much control to your child. You need to set the rules and enforce them. If you want him sleeping in his room, then have him sleep there. When he gets up, walk him back and put him back in his bed---every time. If you don't want to sit there on his bed waiting for him to fall asleep... don't. Why do you feel like you have to do that? Just because he wants it? Because he'll wake his sister? What?
Why do you think his sister (you don't say her age) doesn't have the issues that he does regarding bedtime? What was different with teaching her to go to sleep at night?
Why just offer him a twin bed and let HIM decide whether it will help? Just get the bed if you want him to have it. He's a child... not running the place (I hope). He'll adjust.
For the record, getting a twin bed and putting bed rails on it is what finally got my 2 yr old son to stay in bed at bedtime. I went through part of the same issues you are going through, but I learned and taught my daughter differently.
It may be, with the potty issues, that the same thing is going on. He can do this for his sitter, but not at home? That's just him running the household... he can do it. He just won't. He doesn't like your rewards. It isn't worth it to him.
I don't really know the answer to that, b/c you shouldn't punish a 3 yr old for accidents with the potty. Maybe these are accidents, and maybe they are willful. I don't know. Either way... he is in control of his body and you cannot MAKE him use the potty.
But, the general feeling I got from reading your post is that your 3 year old has an awful lot of "say" in how your household operates. Seems to me that that is more properly the job description of the parents.
He's not ready to go. The more you focus on it the more he's going to make it an "I'm in control" issue.
I'd let him wear his pee/pooh pull up for a while so he can feel how gross is it and then maybe he won't want to wear it anymore.
I don't stress over potty training. It's down on my list of absolute things that have to be done by such and such a date.
We gave the kids 1 M&M for pee and 2 for pooh. Sometimes we did Jelly Beans or some other small candy. It worked better for us.
What kind of bed is he sleeping in if not a big kid bed? He's way too old to not be sleeping in a big bed. Baby bed mattresses are not meant for older kids and they are darn uncomfortable for bigger kids.
As to the meds you are giving your kids.
Sorry, your doc is nuts. There are much better meds that have way less side effects than what you say you've giving him.
Benadryl dries their sinuses and throat and lungs out horribly. It's job is to stop mucus from being runny and stop an anaphalactic allergic reaction. It is a serious allergy med and NOT for making kids sleep. I'd change docs today if ours said to do that.
There are about half a dozen meds that are NOT habit forming and insurance will cover them that will not make his sinuses bleed inside. That's how drying Benadryl is.
I know this isn't what you want to hear but I can't imagine giving a kid an allergy med to make them sleep.
The number one side effect of allergy meds, other than sleep, is behaviors. The kids act out because they are IN PAIN from the dry sinuses and sore throat and dry lungs. It's painful for them.
