Bedtime - Boyds, MD

Why dont you just lay with him, and comfort him untill he falls asleep...He is a child he needs you to support him, and protect him when hes scared. So tuff it out mommy and lay down with him. Sometimes i have to lay with my son untill he falls asleep.

Our two ways to deal with that were:
1) "monster spray" I took a clear quirt bottle and filled it with water and one drop of green food coloring & made a cool label for it. Every night we sprayed the dorway, closet windows and under the bed together. This only was needed for a few weeks until he got over it, but worked great.
2) We went to the store and picked out a new stuffed animal to take to bed evey night. "Bobo" the dog was very brave (we made up a story about him) and kept him safe at night. At 14 he still has the dog!!
Best of luck!
K.

One night when our son was 6, he said he was afraid and wanted to sleep with us. My husband absolutely refused. I knew this was unusual for our son so I was very concerned and wanted to let him bed with us but Dad rules. My son ended up sleeping on the floor right outside our bedroom door. I still feel badly about that. The poor child was having night mares from a movie he had seen earlier that day. Please find out why your son is afraid. AF

First of all, don't dismiss his fears. If he says he's scared, then he's scared. It may seem unreasonable to you, but to a child, his fears are real, they have a vivid imagination. Ask him what he's scared of, and give him ways to deal with his fears. I like the thinking about good things, or counting. Honestly, I STILL count when I'm trying to go to sleep, because I have a hard time turning off my brain.

As for getting out of bed, I tell my kids when I tuck them in that I will be back to check on them in 10 minutes. (You can start with 5 if he won't go 10 at first). If he's up before them, remind him you'll be back but he has to be in bed before you come. And always go back when you say you will. This will help with his fear that you are not going to be there or of something happening to you while he is in bed. He knows Mommy will check on him.

When my 2 1/2 year old daugher gets scared, I ask her what it is that is scaring her. She usually tells me there are monsters under her bed. I ask her if she would like me to punch them in the nose and send them home. She of course says yes and I do it and tell her that monsters are not allowed in our house and if she sees a monster to punch him in the nose and to go home and never come back. I have also colored with her a sign that says no monsters allowed. This helps her to not be scared at night but does not help her to fall asleep quickly. Hope this helps.

D.,
This is typical of this age. Something is bothering him and he is not able to articulate what that is. It is helpful to validate his feelings. Letting him know that you understand that he is afraid. Ask him what he is scared of. If he talks about monsters or something else, you can create a bedtime ritual such as monster spray or other types of things. If he doesn't know what he is scared of, then it's a bit more tricky. I have worked with flower remedies and children to help with emotional issues.
If you would like more info. about this subject, please feel free to email me directly.
Good luck,
L.

Before going to bed walk around with him to tell him everything is ok, check underneath the bed, pulling down the blinds and looking behind closet doors. Also you can create a monster spray with a small spray bottle with a little water in it and have him lightly spray the air to remove any fears.

Hope that helps!

J. Z.
Independent Shaklee Distributor
www.shaklee.net/Z.
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Jennifer's "monster spray" idea (we called it "dream spray") worked great when my daughter was younger.

One other thought: Could there be something in his room that to you or me would look fine but to him, in the dark, seems scary? Objects that are familiar in daytime can cast strange shadows, etc. at night. My daughter recently got scared of a cat poster that had been on her door for a while -- but the cat's glittery eyes, catching light from the hallway if the door was open at just the right angle, looked scary to her. Another time, a sweater thrown over the back of a chair seemed OK by day but at night was scary for her. Easy to fix! You might have to work with him on whether an open closet door, or things throwing shadows from his night-light, etc., might be a problem.

Please be careful not to belittle his fears or laugh them off -- it's very real to him. This is a pretty typical age for nighttime fears and loneliness, I think, and though he does have to understand that bedtime means bedtime, it's also not wrecking his routine to come to him if he's really distressed. It has helped my daughter, who's 7, for me to go into her room and look at whatever she says is scary and agree with her that "Wow, sure, that does look weird, and I'll fix it right now." Good luck.

Hi D.,
My son, who is now 7, had similar issues at bedtime. He had no problems with sleeping in his own room or bed but it was the "lights off, quiet, sleeping in my bed by myself" idea that had him on edge. He would go to his room, lay in the bed but wouldn't fall asleep. Sometimes he just wasn't sleepy and now that it's still a little light out around 8/8:30 doesn't help either! Just as your son, it would take him about an hour or so to finally fall asleep! Although this may not be the best practice, I have found that leaving the TV on at night (until he falls asleep and it has to be something that's boring to him), works for him. There are some nights when we don't even turn it on at all!! I beieve it's just the comfort of hearing someone's voice which let's him know or think that people are around. The cooking channels or QVC seems to work the best...GO FIGURE!! HA!! Hope this is of some help! It will take time, good luck!

My oldest is 5 and for as long as I can remember my husband and I will both sleep with him for 5 minutes at bedtime. During that time we talk about what happened during the day or what is going to happen tomorrow and it helps him wind down. Of course there are nights when he doesn't want us (ME!)to leave or wants me to sleep with him all night but I tell him that I love him and I need to sleep in my own bed. He doesn't like that answer but he accepts it.

Hi D.,

I have a 4 yo that does similar things. When a storm comes in, or on 4th of july when everyone outside is popping fireworks, she freaks! One thing that helped her some was getting a nightlight in her room. That made a difference. Also, I don't know what your religious beliefs are but we are Christians, and teach our daughter about Jesus. When she gets scared, we remind her that Jesus is sleeping with her, and he scares away all monsters, so she is safe. That comforts her alot! She will go to bed with no problem after we remind her of that.

Good luck & God bless!

My almost six year old is also having fear at bedtime. He has expressed that he is afraid of a fire in our house or a tornado hitting us. I believe he just has a hard time shutting off his little brain. I have been trying to give him techniques to help him calm his own thoughts. If he starts thinking bad thoughts he is supposed to think of five things he really likes, swimming in the ocean with his cousins, Ben 10, ice cream, etc. Or he can try counting as high as he can. Your son's anxiety may be real. You just need to give him tools to deal with it.

However, our son is not allowed to get our of bed, continually call for us or otherwise distrib bedtime. This is met with the loss of TV for the next day. I hate dragged out bedtimes.

I think you or your husband should lay down with him but be very clear with your son that it will be for a limited time (30 min for example). Once that 30 min is up (or whatever time)then let him know you are leaving and not going to lay down with him again. If he does fine with that, give him a reward of some kind. Something small, make a big deal of it with lots of praise. I did this with my niece when she was young. Good luck.

D.:

Maybe he's not really sleepy yet, but figures he needs a better excuse to get you to allow him to stay up longer. Even though I read stories to my son before bed, sometimes I would let him read in his room, but I would pick something kind of dry -- not too many pictures or maybe a plot that is a little too babyish for his age -- and he generally would drift off.

Part of it may be a power thing and once my son got a chance to exert some control over his bedtime by reading in bed, he pretty much began to drift off on his own. This may work if your son is usually rested and ready in the morning. Fifteen or 20 minutes may not make a big difference.

You don't say whether your son has seen any scary movies or if his school- or playmates, an older sibling, friend or relative may have told him scary stuff. If you haven't done it, develop a ritual of "ordering" the scary characters out of his room, using a nightlight or any of those kinds of things, then just let him drift. As long as he's in his jammies and in bed he'll be relaxed. A little soft music and a dull book works wonders. Look in on him periodically for the first week or so just to reassure him that you're around and concerned, but make him stay in bed.

Good luck.

Have you asked him what would make him feel better and not scared (aside from laying down with him)? I know my daughter felt better snuggling one of my shirts, and of course a night light. Maybe a brighter night light? Leaving the door open, hall light on? Maybe a small radio with some comforting (slow and relaxing) music he likes while he falls asleep? What specifically scares him? If monsters, try checking through everything with him watching to show there is nothing in his room. I think you should ask him more questions and get down to the bottom of why he is so scared, and he just may tell you something that will help him to feel better that will be simple!
K.

How about a flashlight?

You can offer to check on him every 3 minutes until he falls asleep. Then after a few days change it to 4 minutes, then 5, then 6, etc

Personally, I think that as long as it's not an obvious manipulatoin, it's worth helping them work through it instead of expecting them to 'get over it' on their own.

Good luck!

I've seen this situation on Supernanny a couple of times (or Nanny 911). Both said that no matter what - have very minimal contact with your child when this happens. He is old enough to know that he's trying to manipulate the situation, so you just have to continue to bring him back to his room, tuck him in and leave. It may be tiring for a night or two, but once he realizes that no matter how many times he tries and you NEVER give in to his demands - he'll get tired of it and stop doing it. Again - it could take several nights, but stick to it. Supernanny said to not even talk to your child when this happens. Just guide them back to their room. The more they engage you in conversation, the less power you have. Another suggestion I have is that during the day, not at bedtime or naptime or rest time, but just sometime during the day, go through your son's room with him and ask him what he finds scary at night and then try to remedy those things. If he sees shadows - adjust the curtains or find him a better night light. Give some validation to his issues, but not when he's trying to get out of going to bed. Good luck and good for you for taking care of it now so it doesn't get worse!