autism/ADHD/ODD Advice

I've so been there. So first, hugs. It does get better. But not having seen your previous posts, I'm not sure about this. But is your son receiving any therapies or services (like developmental, behavioral, speech, occupational or physical therapies)? How old is he now? If he does have ODD, chances are he may not be able to help getting under your skin. Are YOU receiving any help? Do you have any other kids? I joined an online support group (no longer around) to get some support. Are there any special needs support groups near you? What about autismspeaks.org? They have a community board that you may find supportive. It is hard to not feel like you are the only one going through this when you live it each and every day. But you aren't the only one and if I can help in any way, please let me know. I have one son with autism and ADHD and another with ADHD. I know the feelings you are having.

S.

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I know how you are feeling completely. I could have written this post except for maybe the marriage issues aspect of it. Not saying that we don't have these same issues from time to time but I don't think it's the same extent as to what you are experiencing. We have an 8 year old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of five. My dtr like your son was involved in our state program for developmental delays and for speech therapy. She is still under the special ed umbrella at school but less extensive now due to major improvements academically over the years. We too have tried several different behavior modifications. Some worked for awhile while others didn't work at all. Her desires change constantly which makes it hard to find what works for her at that moment. We have started to wonder about ODD with her as well because she is so defiant. Gets into trouble for the same things constantly. Punishment doesn't seem to phase her. She is on ADHD medication but I'm starting to wonder it's effectiveness. Meds are just an aid, not a cure all but some do work better than others. So I'm looking into that right now as well. We have her in counseling on a weekly basis to try to get a hold of behavior issues. Not sure how well it's working because I really believe her main issue is lack of impulse control. She knows intellectualy to not do something but she does it anyways. Our main issue with her is taking things that don't belong to her and sneaking sweets. (we hardly have any in the house for this reason) She sees something and if she wants it, she just takes it. Knows that she shouldn't but seems like she can't help it. I work from home so I am with our kids on a 24/7 basis. My husband does help when he gets home and on the weekends but it's very exhausting. A lot of the time, I am emotionally, physically drained. I hardly ever have time for just me. I do feel alone like you too because no one seems to really understand what we go through on a daily basis. When I try to explain it to them, I get the general response of "you just need to discipline her more" "don't let her walk all over you" "she needs structure, time outs, etc" They have absolutely no clue!!! I'm referring to those who have had no experience with kids like ours. I've looked for a support group in my area but haven't located one. Thought about starting one at my church but again, time is an issue and energy is an issue. What I've started doing for my own sanity is that bedtime is strict. They are put to bed at 8pm, even during the summer time. Sometimes, I will allow her to lay in her bed and play her dsi just so I can get that much needed quiet time. My husband like I said, is a huge help so I'm lucky in that regard. My suggestion for you is for you to seek out therapy for you and your son. Reach out to them to see if there are any support groups out where you are. Start establishing yourself in that world and practice what you learn in those sessions. Live by example, I would hope, that if done right, you should start seeing improvements with your son. Then maybe just maybe your husband will begin to see it and then he might realize that yes there was a problem. A little late yes but that may be the only way you will get him to wake up. Your husband is in denial. You know your child. Follow your instincts. If you can't get him on board then tell him, I'm sorry but the doctor, therapist and I believe there is an issue so I am going to do what it takes to make sure our son has a fighting chance in this world. Make sense? You also need to ask yourself, can you continue fighting this uphill battle with him or can you actually do it on your own? You are stronger than you think you are. You might find out that by removing this obstacle, you will have an easier job. It's hard enough dealing with a child with these issues but to have to deal with an adult who refuses to see the need and refuses to help is completely too much. If you really feel the marriage is over and you have tried everything, reach out to your family to see if they can help you. Maybe moving out to where they are will help. You have a lot on your plate and I'm sorry that you are going through all of that. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to the challenges of children like ours. Getting a control on them now will help alleviate a lot of issues that could occur when they get older. I have to believe that. Good luck!

Well... My daughter was recently diagnosed with ADHD w/acute anxiety. She's not defiant, but I know defiance CAN come with ADHD. Like if I ask my daughter to go get her shoes on, 1/2 way there, she'll stop and go to the bathroom and while in there, decide she's going to put some lotion on her hands, then she comes back out and goes to the fridge and asks for a snack... I say, "When you get your shoes on, you can grab a snack." She then will start towards where her shoes are, see something on the table of hers, start looking through or playing with said item, etc... This can take half an hr or more. Just to get her to focus enough to get her shoes on. One would think she's just not listening. She heard me and then got completely distracted by something else 10 times along the way. Then the hyperactivity is there with her too so she'll be running around like a chicken with her head cutoff with all the distractions she gets involved in. I'd have to say for someone to be looking from the outside, it would look like I don't have any control over my 8yr old... I do. I just have to be patient and start getting ready or begin the routine earlier than what would be required for a child without ADHD. Her anxiety causes her to procrastinate if she's worried about a new setting or new people or even if it's just a new thing to do. Everyone that sees her, even if they know her well, ask me, "How in the heck do you deal with that?!?!?"

Talking with adults that suffer with the same have helped me to better understand what she's dealing with in her head and taught me how to better deal with her.

As far as dealing with your 2 kids on your own... I did it for quite some time. The relationship between my ex and I affected our daughter a lot too. He wasn't very supportive while I was married to him. But believe it or not, he was much more supportive in our daughter's life AFTER we divorced. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me. : )

My husband (daughters step-dad) is VERY helpful and supportive. I couldn't ask for a happier household now. My daughters step-mom is wonderful to her too. I'm not particularly fond of the woman, but as long as she's good to my child... I don't care if her personality severely clashes with mine.

Good luck!

I'm sorry that you and your son are dealing with this. I just wanted to say hang in there, and you are not alone. My son has some similar behaviors but for different reasons. He has Reactive attachment disorder, PTSD, and ODD. I completely understand how difficult and overwhelming it can be. So far, no behavioral intervention has helped. The biggest advise that has helped me is the positive things I do to help me remember daily how wonderful my son is seperate from his behavior. Every night I write down three great things about his personality or things he did well or nice that day. I then read it to him the following night at bedtime. It helps us reconnect after bad days, helps him to know I see good things in him (he receives a lot of negative feedback from me all day long), and helps me to look for the good throughout the day. Doing this at bedtime helps him receive it better because if I tried to acknowledge him during the day he would find a way to turn it into something negative. Also, the last interaction he gets from me at night is positive. I hope it helps him feel better about himself as he lays trying to sleep. It is so easy for me to focus on the frustration and bad behavior and lose my joy of my son. Trying to change my thought process is difficult but makes a huge difference in my ability to cope with our situation.

My granddaughter is Autistic. Autisim also brings along ADD and ODD and part of the syndrom. My daughter is a single Mom, the dad only saw his daughter once and left WI to avoid child support. Unfortunately, many couples do not survive having an Autistic child. I read an article on Care2 about the financial and emotional strain of taking care of an Autistic child and I was stunned by the fact that Dad just don't get with the program.

Check out autisimspeaks.org. They have the best isdeas and resources for parents dealing with Autistic kids.

The biggest issue in dealing with Autistics is diet. Make sure he doesn't get any MSG and limit his intake of gluten and casin (dairy protein). There is a diet for Autistic children. Contact Headstart and see if you can get him evaluated. You also need to get him into a thearapy program. My daughter was able to get SSI for my granddaughter and with that MA. The therapy program is quite intense and involves a time commitment of 20 hrs a week, besides school, they come to the home.

Wisconsin has the pilot program for Autisim and it is considered an excellent program. Parents are moving from all over the place to live in Wisconsin to get their kids into this program. Hopefully for the sake of the parents and children other states will adopt this program and be able to offer it in all states.

I just posted this same response to another mom on this board who had a question about autism-I'm really sorry if it's not personal:

I agree with the food allergies...my son has had learning/speech/language/motor/fine motor delays since he was 2-he is now 7. Last year, his behavior got really bad-we took him to 2 neurologists who both said they "see nothing worrisome"-neither did any formal brain scan or anything-just a standard 15 minute physical.

We have been saying there is something else wrong with him for a good 2 years now-his special ed teacher agrees. She devotes her life to autistic kids & she thinks he is PDD-NOS. I have to agree with the teacher who has spent 7 hours/day with my kid for the last 2 years over the dr. who spent 15 min with my son on his best behavior. I started doing lots of research on autism in general-read the book by Jenny McCarthy's "Louder than Words" & I know my son is a far cry from where hers was, it was very interesting to read about how gluten and casein can have an effect on children who don't have the stuff in thier gut to break it down. I started to do more reasearch on that aspect and found that the gluten and casein protien actually turn into opiates if not broken down. And I was thinking if I was on opiates 24 hours a day, then I might act a littel "out there" & have behavior problems too.

Within a week of eliminating the dairy (and gluten) from his diet-his constipation & eczema was GONE! He has been on RX laxative for 4 years and steroid cream off & on since he was born. It takes 6-8 mos for the gluten to be removed from your system & it is in EVERYTHING, and a very expensive diet...he has been on the diet for 3 months and people say he is a different kid. It takes lots of time learning, researching, prepping food, but it's for my kid, so it's worth it. PM me if you want to talk some more. :)