Hello to all. I really need some help. This is more for my sister but includes me as well. My sisters 3 daughters(ages 11, 10, and 8) lived with me for 15 months. They moved back in with their mother the week before thanksgiving. I tried to let her know that there was no rush, to take her time since she is going through alot of health problems. But she was dealing with the girls begging her plus her boyfriend preasuring her to be a "mom". WHen the girls first moved in with me there was alot of behaviorial{sp} problems, but woth time many were fixed. Once they moved back in with their mother things changed. She cannot control them in any way, they openly defy her. It really hurts when she calls in tears because she is not sure she can handle them anymore. I do not want her to give them up to the state or feel preassured into moving them in with a family member. SHe has tried grounding them, taking away their toys and other things. But nothing is working.
On note her 8 and 10 year old have ADHD and ADD(each has one). They are on medication which she has changed as of yesterday thinking maybe that is the problem.
I still watch her girls when she works and the attitude and behavior problems are affecting me as well. I really want to help her, any advice would greatly be appreciated.
Hang in there! Don't give up! Those kids are worth your worry! I have an ADHD child (probably 2 others) and that isn't a curse for bad behavior. She should be going to counseling with them all the time. Kids with ADHD understand that they're different, but can't understand why because they're kids.
There are many issues here that need help. What jumps out at me as a former social worker, child protective services worker, and foster mom is first and foremost everyone seems to be putting pressure on a Mom who is ill (mentally or physically you did not specify) and has been out of the "mothering" for a while. The benefit of the children is primary, but certainly the health of the mother and her having the positive support she needs is necessary so must be addressed. Medication of the children is NOT the answer and changing it simply adds another dimension. There are many other things that can improve ADD and ADHD symptoms that I can recommend. But dealing with children, especially multiples, with behavior problems can be exhausting for the best parent. Have you explained/coached her in the methods of discipline you used successfully? Is the boyfriend supportive or demanding? Whose interest is he prioritizing? I personally have a problem with the b/f status when children are in the home (my value system validated by many years of counseling troubled moms). Where's the commitment to her AND the children: The ring, the certificate and the effort? She doesn’t need another CHILD in the home. Do they agree on discipline or allow the children to "play" them? What is her health status? Did the doctors who released her understand the pressures at home and provide adequate support? It sounds like to me that she needs a good coach and some better support. And the time is now! IF the children are ALREADY in the state system, i.e. foster care payments to you, CPS, etc. then there is coaching available to her through the system and they would truly rather keep the children at home and give her the support than take the children into their overloaded foster care resources. She needs to admit her difficulties to a professional counselor (not a caseworker - some of them dont have human service degrees) However, the BIG IF! IF THEY ARE NOT IN THE SYSTEM ALREADY, my advice is don't go there. Too many children get lost when the mother doesn't have the right kind of advocacy and help. I will be glad to help you more but there are too many unanswered questions. The final question is a hard one: Does she want help to make her family balanced and pleasant and is she willing to work at that putting her children first? If not, you can either sue for custody and take them back or leave them to the state's discretion because the desire and work is absolutely mandatory. Whining and crying will not get it done.
In my opinion, if the behavior problems were less of an issue when the girls were in your full time care, then it is not the medication that needs adjusting, it is the way your sister handles the situations. It seems that the children may have had a problem dealing with things. Sometimes, when a child acts out (again in my opinion) it is a hint to an underlying problem. Do they like your sisters boyfriend for instance? Did they feel pushed aside by their mother when they had to move in with you? (even though it wasnt anyones fault) It could be anything at all. Were they in the same schools during this transition? Remember that ADD/ADHD children have problems dealing with transitions. This can range from changing classrooms to moving. Good luck with everything, and try talking to your sister about the ways you were dealing with the behavior while they were in your care.
As a teacher who has ADD and ADHD children to deal with every year I find that the busier you keep them the better they behave. I always seem to get the children that the previous teacher couldn't handle and have never had a problem with any of them. These kids seem to need lots of movement. In my classroom I set it up where the kids are moving around the room all day long.
My brother was ADD and on medication. In our house we saw a huge difference when we took all sweets, including the favorite sugary cereals out of his diet, hot dogs, processed meats, and red and orange foods weither they were added colors or natural colors like carrots. It was like night and day in our house. Maybe some of those things will help you guys out.
Hi T.,
Sounds like Carol knows what she's talking about! If they are not in the Government system, do everything you can to keep them out. That is an added burden and stress for all of you.
I also agree with her that medication for ADD/ADHD children is only a bandaid to a different problem. Yes, diet is important but there are also other things that help and reverse diagnoses! And the boyfriend is another dimension that I have found in most cases to be destructive.
If you want to talk I am willing but it sounds like you should or your sister should be talking to Carol!
Regards,
M.
T., has your family considered an outside source of support like a family counselor, or other type of family expert? I was a foster child and I know there were a lot of feelings of hurt, loss, rejection, resentment and many more. I know the kids are back with their mom, but those feelings still exist. Those feelings also impact their relationship with you and mom's boyfriend. It can be a difficult time to maneuver through all of those emotions, but well worth the effort. Keep me posted and I will surely keep you in my prayers.
