At What Age Should You Give Your Daughter the "Talk"?

Talk to her now!!! With the society we live in I would be suprised if she hadn't already heard about it from friends!

Hi M.,

I have never really believed in having "the talk". Rather sexuality and biology of the human species should be an ongoing conversation. I have four children I have a daughter who will be 29 this month and a son who is 22 from a first relationship and two little girls ages 8 and 6 from a present relationship. I have been open with all of my children from very early on, but, I had particular concern for my girls. Despite many of the positive things which have arose from the women's movement and the sexual revolution, women continue to be sexually exploited to a much greater degree than men. Deveoping character in young women when the rest of the world via media and other messages continue to teach them their value is calculated by how sexually attractive they are; can be a monumental task and set our daughters up for frustration, failure and poor self-esteem.

As far as the biology of puberty (menses, body hair, breast development) you are already up against the wall. I would begin these discussions NOW. Moral issues regarding sexuality also differ from family to family, however your daughter is already likely experiencing sexual feelings so this discussion, also, should begin now.

Most importantly, continue to encourage your daughter to do the things she loves (ballet, soccer, gymanastics, horseback riding, band etc.) as these will give her areas to feel accomplishment without the sexual pressures of dating situations. This will be difficult because she will likely have a real draw toward trying on this new "grown up" role of young women. Little girls who were strong, opinionated, passionate and confident can suddenly lose these traits in the effort to fit the mold society has set for them, but, as their mothers, who love them in their entirety, we are obligated to guide and encourage them to stay true to themselves even while they listen to the media berate a powerful, successful, women who aspires to be president for being unattractive.

If our daughters buy this ideal then we really haven't made much progress. We, in the older generation fought so our daughters could aspire to be doctors, lawyers, scientists, astronauts and yes, even Presidents. The media would trick them into believing that the women's movement enabled them to be more sexually free (i.e. "girls gone wild", Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan etc.) Believe me, the object of the women's movement was not to enable young women to be even more exploited and degraded; our daughters need us to lead and teach them that they are worth so much more than that. And don't forget to say "I love you" even as they are slamming the bedroom door screaming "I hate you, you're ruining my life!"

Good Luck!
J. l.

Barnes and NOble has a great book by American Girl "The care and keeping of you".. read it together (pre read , there are parts that I skipped over).. it has easy to understand language that a 10 yr old can grasp..

As soon as you notice changes...do it! I taught sex ed for many years. There are great books out there for girls...look some up on amazon. I made my niece a puberty book from things I collected through teaching. I copied them and put them in a binder. I went through and wrote notes for her, so she knew she wasn't the only one. My sister wasn't very comfortable with it and wasn't sure what to say. I introduced it to her in a real way with some humor.

Some books to try:

Puberty Survival Guide for Girls by Dr. Eve Anne Ashby
American Medical Association Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen

American Medical Association Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen by American Medical Association, Kate Gruenwald, and Amy B. Middleman

Body Talk: A Girl's Guide to What's Happening to Your Body (Girls' Guides)

Get one and read it with her. Girls start to menstruate when they reach around 100 pounds. Read it with her and tell her what you felt like. She needs to know you went through it too and that she can ask you questions. My mom didn't talk to me about it...I swore I would be there for my daughter...I have a son, so I'm there for all the other girls in my life!

Good Luck!

Hi M. ...
We have 2 boys and 2 girls ... we told the girls "in pieces", spread over time.
With the girls, we told them about menstrual cycles when they were 10 ... they never asked why and we never told them why. We simply explained it in terms of biology and it's what happens to a woman. We also explained it in terms of life-long changes and briefly mentioned that she'll go through different types of changes when she's old, too. We drew pictures of the fallopian tubes and ovaries .. it was actually a funny, comedic time for them. It wasn't scary at all the way we presented it. When they asked if it would hurt, we didn't lie ... we told them both that it would hurt a little bit, but sometimes it wouldn't be as bad as a headache and other times, they'll feel like they have a bad stomach ache. Of course, we didn't offer THAT information until they asked.
We also made a big deal about buying pads ... with each one of them, we had a "girls day out" ... we went and bought pads, something to put them in, had a manicure, came home and showed her how to put them on!! I did this with each of our girls and it made the whole thing less frightening, somehow fun, and, most importantly, natural and NOT taboo! :)
When they were about 11-1/2, we gave them the rest of "the talk" ... the why and the where babies come from. At that point, they're starting to hear things in school and we wanted it to come from us.
With the boys, the youngest (who is 9 y.o.) still knows nothing. His older brother got the entire talk when he was about 11-1/2, too (he's now 13).
We were glad to have given the girls the information in the way we did. We think it helped them to not feel overwhelmed and gave them what they needed, when they needed it.
Hope this helps ...
B.

Hi M.,
My husband is a counselor at a local High School. In his opinion, you can never start too early talking with your kids about the birds & the bees, making smart choices, appropriate behavior with their peers & adults, etc.
Good luck,
R.

A girl will usually start her periods approximately 6 months after getting dark hair under her arms. You can also expect her to probably start appeoximately a year earlier than you did. If she attends public school, she may have already had some sort of "talk" there. You may want to tell her about the changes and assure her they are normal. Be open to questions, but only provide what she needs to know.

Good luck to you.

it sounds like now is a good time. the american girl series has a great book. It covers everything from body changes emotions friendships. YOu can go chappter by chapter and depending on how much she is ready for. Let her lead you. K. d

I would do it now. It seems to me that girls are starting their periods earlier now than we did back in the day.

I definitely would not wait much longer- I used to teach 5th grade (ages varied from 9-11), until I left to be a work from home mom 6 years ago... I would say a good 40-50% of my girls had already started their monthly cycle and a good amount of them had no idea what to do. I will never forget one girl who started in school and was so scared because her parents had not talked to her.
Unfortunately, I think we all started a little later than the girls now whether it is do to evolution or hormones, whatever, we still need to make sure they are educated early. I am definitely not looking forward to it (I have a 3 year old daugther)so I have a few years to go!!!

Best of Luck-

My daughter had similar symptoms at the same age. She ended up getting her period when she was 12. The American Girl book series "The Care and Keeping of You - The Body Book for Girls" was a great resource in our home. I found the section relating to periods and suggested that my daughter read those particular pages. When she finished, I noticed that she looked a little bit horrified. We talked briefly about the fact that this is 'normal' and it happens to every woman. I agree that having factual information makes for a better experience. I will admit that she was still horrified when it happened and complained that it was not fair being a girl. I had to agree with her on that point.

My daughter is 10 as well.

We bought her this really great book, called "The Care and Keeping of You" The Body Book for Girls.

Its put out by American Girl.

It is a wonderful book, filled with all sorts of information for girls on how to care for themselves... Everything from how to brush and care for your own hair to shaving your legs. It covers self-esteem and body issues, healthy eating and exercise, and also why you get your period, and how to take care of yourself when you do.

Its great book.

I read each chapter with my daughter, and then gave her the book to read on her own. And I've seen her take it out and read to herself many times...

I bought the book on Amazon.com.

Both my daughters started their period at age 12. My doctors said that he believes young women are getting their periods younger due to the hormones that are in the food we eat. I do believe this. If your daughter is in 5th grade, they do get information about their bodies in Health class. You can approach the subject and if your daughter is responsive, and you feel at ease with the subject, let her talk and tell you what she knows and you can fill in the rest. If you feel you need to approach the subject, by all means bring it up. I cannot say enough about open communication and being there for your daughter to feel comfortable when she needs to share things about friends and school.

I would have the talk now. There are some great books out there too - check the library. You can read a book together, then leave the book with her for her to read on her own. Girls tend to get their periods earlier and earlier - some experts says it's because of all the hormones in the food we eat. Now the big news story is the pharmaceutical products in the water supply! So the fact that you were 12 and your sisters were older probably isn't too relevant in this day and age. Some of the girls are probably already talking about it, and feminine products are advertised constantly, so she probably has some inkling already. Help her know what others are talking about by removing the mystery now. Make it a bonding experience for the two of you, and set the stage for future talks. You might start by asking her what she knows. Also try to judge when she is overloaded with info, and stop. You can go to the next level at the next talk.

Hi M.,
I'm a mom of 6, soon to be 7, and my oldest is 12. We started teaching them about their bodies very early on, and here's why: they are hearing it earlier and earlier in school, not only from peers but through sex-ed programs. And, they are seeing it every day unless they don't watch TV, and don't ride buses with older kids, etc. We actually homeschool our kids now, but they were in school until first grade and already starting to hear stuff at school and on the bus. The main reason we wanted to teach them about things early is that our beliefs about sexuality do not coincide with most of the rest of our culture, so we wanted to give them our version before they heard what everyone else was going to teach them. If you are a Christian, I would highly recommend the "God's Design for Sex" series, which starts out with very young children in a very non-threatening format. We have used this with our kids, and so far they all seem to be comfortable with coming to us with questions, etc. without the usual embarrassment you think of when you have "the talk." You can find this series in Christian book stores, or at Christian Book Distributors (christianbook.com, I think). If you're not Christian, I would still recommend talking sooner rather than later with your daughter,if you want to get to her first, because I know from friends who have kids in school, that they are definitely talking about stuff at this age, if not before. Good luck.

Hi, i was recently wondering this as well. My daughter who will be 10 in 3 weeks has begun asking every question possible about body stuff. So i bought her the book from american girl (shes a big fan of the dolls) called the care and keeping of you, the mind and body book. I thought we could read it together. I don't want her to be scared of the changes. I think 10 is a good age to start because at school some of her friends are already experiancing some body changes and they talk to each other about it. You can find these books at book stores or americangirl.com. Good luck! ~M.

M., I presume that your daughter is in 5th grade, as is my daughter. Please be aware that the children in public schools receive health classes which talk about things such as this. I'm not sure if they discuss the subject of your period in elementary, but I do know that it is discussed in middle school. My daughter will move to the middle school next year. At a parent's night, my daughter's teachers were discussing that some kids will get their period this year. I have three daughters. One is turning 21 this year, one is 16 (she has Down Syndrome) and then I have the almost 11 year old. My daughter with Down Syndrome got her period when she was nine. I must say that she did very well handling the situation. I think you should most definitely have the talk with your 10.4 yr old daughter now. My 10+ year old daughter knows about it. She has grown up in a house full of females. When it happens to your daughter, it will not be frighening if mom has already told her about it, and she will feel that she can come to you with questions if she needs to.

Hi M.,
Does your daughter attend a school that covers this subject in gym class? If you're not sure I would call the school to find out.This is about the age that some of the schools approach this subject. There are also some excellent books at the local libraries if you inquire. If it's brought up in school sometimes you can start a conversation from that. I had this experience with my granddaughter recently and it was fine. I also have two daughters that went through this about that time.You wouldn't want her to be surprised or scared if soemthing happens before she is aware of what her body is doing. The other problem is that the kids are exposed to all the sexual activities at a much younger age unfortunately and should be prepared somewhat and would hope they would learn some straight facts from a parent or a trained adult in this matter.If they don'toffer this in school, you might check with another mother and friend and do this together with another of your daughter's friends. Hope this has helped. Mother of 2 daughters and grandmother of 3 girls. J. L.

Why not now? Chances are that some of her friends are getting their periods already (girls seem to be getting it a good bit younger than we did!). You can broach the subject with a question about it - have any of your friends mentioned this? Tell her what you're comfortable telling her or what she's willing to listen to from you. If she's not into chatting openly about it, you can let her know that you're always available for questions and see about getting one of the newer books for pre-pubescent girls for her to peruse when she's ready (definately find a good hiding place for it - God forbid her older brother find it!!!). You could also take her shopping for pads and a new purse to keep them in - it might mortify her but there's nothing worse than being unprepared. If she and big brother share a bathroom, I'd suggest keeping her "stash" with your stuff. I'm not suggesting that this is a hush hush issue - we all go through it - but after having lived through puberty with not one but two older brothers, her privacy will likely be cherished! Good luck!

I started explaining things to my girl before she was showing any signs. The point was to get her and I comfortable talking about these things. I think its a misconception that we give our kids "the talk" and then all is taken care of. Think of it as more of a constant conversation that ebbs and flows. I recommend "The Care and Keeping of You" by American Girl. We used it as conversation starters.

I have started with little talks as early as age 8. My daughter is 10 and we have had open discussion many times already. There are several books that can help. You can read them together a little bit every night and have an open discussion for questions and comments.
A good book is The care and keeping of you by American Girl.
My daughter really likes this. It is not embarrasing and it is geared towards her age.

Good luck

Honestly? Three years ago.

There shouldn't be "the talk". There should be an ongoing dialogue about health and biology from the time they are old enough to comprehend.

She could literally have her period any day. Can you imagine how traumatic that would be if she doesn't know what's coming?

"The Care and KEeping of You" is a good book. IF you are uncomfortable, get some books of basic biology from your library and read them with her together.

Hello,

I personally would give her the "talk" very soon. I know that my 5 year old already has and asks questions and I am pretty honest with her about the whole "period" thing. I had to speak to her to let her know it wasn't something to be afraid of but it was a natural thing that all women experience. Good luck but I would be as open and honest with her as possible. You would hate for it to happen to her with out having the chance to talk with her. It seems as though the girls are getting younger and younger with hitting puberty and dealing with all the things we have to deal with.

Don't wait, talk to her now!!! I know it is awkward and difficult to bring up and discuss the "Birds and the Bees", but the longer you wait and the older she gets

a) the more difficult it will be to broach the subject

and

b) the more likely it will be that she hears about it from other sources - sources that you would be appalled by - and gets dangerous misinformation.

Protect your daughter; arm her with knowledge and truthful information. To make it easier, you might want to go to the library or bookstore and get some of the helpful and informative books that are out there. You can read up and ahead of time, and get some ideas of how to talk about the realities of puberty, menstruation, sex, etc. You could also share these books with your daughter, read from them to her, and let her read from them and ask you questions. This way you have some say and control over the process, and she won't be "educated" by a kid at school, or a gross web site she finds at someone's house, or something else awful and mis-informative.

Good luck!

Hi I was lucky my daughter was 10 and in 5th grade when they were actually talking about it in Health class at school. She knew all the signs and told me when she got one of the signs and I told her to just let me know when she got her period. She ended up getting her period about a month after that. Now would probably be a good time to discuss it. They also sell a book at the book stores about what is going to happen to there bodies. That also helped a little. Good Luck.

I would jump right on it. I remember being a little nervous when I first started and asked my sister to confirm it. Maybe even buy a book on it and leave it in her room with a note on it saying if she wants to talk about it you would love to. That way if the topic embarrases her, she can look through the book by herself. Good luck!

Now! It's never to early to talk about these things, and the more normal you make it all sounds (and that it is a topic that is okay to talk about), the more comfortable she will be with the changes and with coming to you for questions or concerns. It doesn't have to be just one big talk, but an ongoing conversation.

Best,
M.

Hi M.,
I think now would be the best time to talk to her. My parents got divorced when I was about 9 and I lived with my dad. I never got the talk from either parent and I learned about it through friends and school. Luckily I happened to be with my mom when it happened to me but my dad was the one who actually talked to me about it after the fact. So long story short sit down and tell her all the things you want her to know so she gets the correct and most informative information from you. Hope this helps. Good luck.

I agree with the rest, you should talk to her now.
I'd be surprised if she hasn't heard anything from friends yet; she may be picking up on your reluctance to talk about it so is not approaching you. (I'm speaking from my own memory as a child. My mom wanted us girls to know things, but it was clear to us that she was uncomfortable and that made us uncomfortable.)

There are many good books out there, including (as many mentioned) "The Care and Keeping of You", which is a good place to start.

You should give your daughter the talk now before one of her friends does. There is an excellent American Girl book called the Care and Keeping of You. It gives a ton of information and is not too graphic!

Good Luck

http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/d...

Hi M.,
from a mom of two grown girls: I would say do it NOW.Although I gave my girls the talk starting when they were 11 and 12, little girls seem to start earlier and earlier. One friend of my daughters says she started at 9(!) and , because her mom was waiting to tell her, thought she was dying!She was terrified!
So I would say, tell her now, in a very relaxed manner, maybe not all at once. Be very matter-of-fact, and be sure to buy her pads and make sure she knows where they are, and also that she needs to wear them until her flow has completely stopped. When I got my period, I thought you just flowed steadily til your period stopped,(instead of the intermittent flow we all have, of course heavier when you stand up from lying or sitting) and took off my pad several times, too early, to disastrous results!
Congrats, Mom, your little girls is becoming a big girl!

if she hasn't already, learned it from friends, give it to her now. no one ever talked to me, and you should do it.

and take this from experience (mine) talk with all your kids about not letting anyone touch them inappripriately...

Good luck!

D.

M. I think you will know when the time is right.She probably already knows some thing about it but if i was you i would not leave it too long as you said you do not want her to hear it from others as you know how kids can exaggerate and it might cause her some concern so it is better to hear the truth from you
Regards M.