Aspergers? VERY LONG but Please Help

Based on what you've said, it's possible he has Aspergers. But if husband doesn't want to get him tested, then why fight it? As far as I know, you will not really be able to change him. Even without a diagnosis, you still will have to train him how to socialize, etc. He will probably always be a little different.

Why not just let him be quirky? It's not the worst thing in the world, and he's doing well in school, etc.

p.s. I don't think his unusual personality is caused by mom babying him.

sorry i'm in a rush, Isn't the school pushing for this. It ought to be obvious if he is getting into fights that there is a problem,

Iknow teachers themselves aren't allowed it dianosis but i bet they all know something is up with him.

One way to find out would be to cut him off from all electronics for 3 months and see if he regains some interactions. probably not feasible though.

As a mom to a 9 year old daughter who has Classic Autism, I see some red flags that "could" signify Autism Spectrum Disorder. I really hesitate to criticize Mom for her parenting technique because whatever she's doing, she understands him and gets him to communicate with her and be affectionate. What's GREAT is that he tries to communicate with you and his Dad. He can go to school. He sounds like if he has Autism, he's likely high functioning and hopefully receptive to therapies.

For the sake of my answer, I'm going to assume it's ASD or something similar okay? That's not to say I definitely believe he has it.

He's still very young, so an evaluation would really be in his best interest. It's far better for him to start getting help now than when he's in his teens, twenties, or later. The longer it takes to get him help the harder it will be for him to communicate better and function better. He needs to start learning life skills NOW.

His speech doesn't just sound "immature" from your description, but severely delayed. That alone ought to be evaluated.

Let your husband know that the school will evaluate him free of charge. The school WILL NOT and CAN NOT diagnose your step-son. It's illegal. The evaluation will target his strengths and weaknesses and recommend the "likely possibility" of Autism or possibly another learning delay or disorder. Possibly Sensory Integration Disorder.

The reasons to find out now are so very important socially, for his self-esteem, educationally... especially while his brain is receptive to changes in behavior and patterns. He can get therapies while at school... free special services. So have your husband request in writing from the school an IEP aka Individual Education Plan from the School Psychologist. Tell them it's for speech delays and suspected Autism, and possibly other learning and motor delays. They'll set up what's called a PPT... and Planning and Placement Team Meeting between his teachers, his parents, school therapists, the school psychologist, the principal, and other specialists such as the speech therapist, occupational therapist, and others. There will be paperwork to sign giving permission for them to observe him in the classroom and performing specific tasks and performing tests for the evaluation. A date and time may be set for the next PPT meeting. Go prepared with your exact concerns and questions. Have a list of signs and symptoms that concern you. Give concrete examples if you can.

He should really also be evaluated independently as well by one or more of the following (basically anyone who will see him first): Pediatric Neurologist; Pediatric Psychiatrist; Pediatric Psychologist; Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrician. Any and all of them can make a diagnosis but you do want to choose one that claims Autism as one of their specialties. That's very important.

Let your husband know that you love your step-son, and are not being critical of him. What you're suggesting is to help him and make his life easier. It's to also help Future Step-Son as an adult. Your step-son is very lucky to have you in his life. I suspect that his Mama knows he's different, and is trying to parent him instinctively and maybe not quite "seeing" just how delayed and different he is. He's her perfect baby, and he really is perfect. He just sees the world a bit differently and will need help navigating that world. It will be to make his life easier, it really will, and it sounds to me like that's your goal... not to make your life easier, right?

You're one of his parents. You ARE in a position to push on this. It's not like you're a fringe friend or a stranger or even a mother-in-law. You're the step-mom. Be gentle and loving but firm.

Personally, as a mom of an 8yo son with High Functioning Autism, there is definitely some red flags to me. You mentioned several things that my son does exactly and that is a symptom of ASD.

1: You mentioned his fixation on video games. Autistic kids tend to get fixated on things and only want to talk about those things.

2: Wetting his bed/pants still screams parasites to me. Autistic kids tend to suffer from symptoms of parasites more than a neuro-typical child even though we all have them in us.

3: The speech thing. When my son is talkng about things he knows, he speaks more clearly. When it comes to talking about other subjects, he struggles with getting all the words in the right order or pronouncing them correctly. Also, probing for the correct answer from a simple question, that is very typical of an ASD kid.

4: The tags and specific shoes are sensory issues. ASD kids, once again, have horrible sensory issues.

I could go on and on, but this child needs to get an evaluation. Has the school ever mentioned anything to you? Yes, kids are quirky and some may be labled for the wrong reason but let's face it, this world isn't healthy and our kids are suffering. Between EMF pollution, GMO and pesticide filled foods, preservatives and food dyes etc... we are creating a world made for a robot, not a human. This child needs some therapy to help with speech and sensory issues as well as social skill classes.

What is your husband afraid of? That he'll have a son with a label and special needs? So what? He needs to get over it and do what is best for his son. If I were you, I'd ask him what his fears are, what the harm is in just having him evaluated and if it does come back that he falls on the spectrum then wouldn't he rather get him help NOW before he hits puberty and his brain isn't growing and developing new neuro-pathways as quickly? Your hubby is in denial, all us parents who have gone down this path have suffered denial at some point or another but when you take a step back and look at your child knowing they aren't developing like other kids their same age it's time to admit that you need be a fighter for your child and stop ignoring them.

If you feel your husband needs to talk to another dad for himself, I'm gladly offering up my husband. My husband will for sure answer any questions and fears he may have. Send me a PM if you'd like. Good luck, and please don't stop fighting for this child. He CAN get better!!!

My unprofessional opinion? Something more.

HOWEVER --could be a quirky kid.

What really makes me sad is that if no O. will advocate for this child, he will never get the help & services he needs that could help tremendously.

Please don't give up. Continue to approach your husband about this.

O. of my dear friends has an Aspie.

Some of this sounds pretty typical of a quirky kid to me. If a kid is never forced out of his digital comfort zone, he doesn't have the social practice that's necessary to not be awkward in this area. I suspect that more and more kiddos will be behaving this way. I am a MS teacher and even the most "mature" kids have a lot of trouble communicating in an articulate way because they simply never have to.

One of "my" parents was telling me how her daughter, soon to be 16 and driving, had NO idea of the street names and locations of things in her neighborhood. She's an extremely bright girl, but her mom noticed that once she got her phone (insert PSP, etc here) she completely stopped making conversation in the car and being aware of her surroundings. She was in text-land CONSTANTLY.

No kid is talented in everything and almost all of them are very ego-centric. Some MS kids are seriously clueless. I swear, my first year was spent asking myself "what's wrong with these kids?!" - HA! You have to approach everything as a teaching situation rather than be concerned that they don't just know how to behave or communicate.

I recently read an intriguing article that speculated that the ridiculously high rate of autism could be attributed (among other things of course) to parents today having a real lack of experience with kids and therefore the wide range that constitutes "normal". I think there may be something to this. So many parents are so paranoid about their kids that they drag them to one specialist or another demanding to know "is this normal?" There is a VERY wide range of "normal" in human beings.

Some of this - esp the retreat into the games, etc - could be his chosen route of escaping the pain of his parents' divorce / not being w/mom, etc. If everyone is just "letting him be" and not engaging him in discussion about his feelings, etc, he may just not be the type to put them out there.

Honestly, I'm kind of with your husband. An alarming number of kids out there are emotionally and socially crippled due to a myriad of issues that aren't always autism. I suppose an evaluation couldn't hurt, but I think I would try these other things first:

-Lay down ground rules for screen time (none at dinner, car, etc)

-Teach that making conversation is part of good manners and he is expected to participate with the family. Mumbling is rude and lazy (unless you know he is physically not capable of speaking clearly).

-Model good manners and conversation / articulation for him in your day to day interactions. In a non-threatening, kind way, encourage him toward eye contact when he is speaking with you. Note if he becomes agitated by this. Most kids are a little uncomfortable with it, but does he shut down?

-When things happen, engage in family conversation about the events and encourage the kids to talk through how they feel. Confirm that you are there for them and love them very much.

-When you're trying to get answers to questions, lead him to the possible responses to focus him- much as you would a toddler

If these measures are tried for a month or so and you're observing that he is not able to come around and adjust to them, I think an eval might be in order. Have patience - don't just leap for the "easy way out". Invest in him and try to get to the root of the issues by eliminating or limiting some of the barriers.

Without being a fly on the wall in your home, it is impossible to know what other factors are coming into play here, but I hope this is helpful.

Yes it does sound like he needs further testing. It just could be a learning disability, ADD with sensory issues - you will not know until he is tested.

For your DH-

Labels = Help

And your child can already sense there is something wrong with him, that he is different, and it's going to be much more apparent as he gets older. If he has a "label" that can show him that it's his brain that's not working correctly and that they can work to fix it. If you pretend there is nothing wrong, he his going to just label himself as weird, dumb a freak and then believe there is nothing he can do to help it. How sad is feeling like that.

Your DH might think he is ok now, but I am sure he too, prob. could have used some extra help as a child, since he admits he was a bit "quirky" too.

Having a diagnosis gives a means for help. It does not mean you have to give him drugs, it means you are aware of his challenges and can now work to help him with them.

One book that I read when my son was diagnosed with Aspergers was
Quirky Kids: Understanding and Helping Your Child Who Doesn't Fit In- When to Worry and When Not to Worry by Klass and Costello.

At age 10, my son still can't tie his shoes and has a very hard time with handwriting. Some things that the school helped my son with were a social skills class, speech therapy, and helping him learn names and faces of teachers and classmates.
When we were filling out the questionnaires when he was being evaluated, my husband felt like I was trying to answer the questions to prove something was wrong- and I felt like he was trying to answer them to prove nothing was wrong.

Personally I think you are a great stepmom, it is obvious you love him like a son. you took the time to detail out exactly what is going on. Good for you! I think you have a situation to deal with. I personally feel the society over labels and over medicates. HOWEVER I think there can be alternative approaches to dealing with things.

- seriously limiting screen time.
- engaging him in daily physical activity like soccer or something where he has to focus.
- making sure he gets plenty of sleep.
- making sure he gets plenty of protein, fruit and veggies.
- limiting his sugar, red food dyes and other processed junk

These are just some "natural" ideas that may go a long way. It does sound like he has issues.

Good luck!

I don't have enough experience with this issue to even answer, but I am fascinated by this. To me, this does not sound typical or even quirky. I know dad doesn't want him labeled and I get that. But his peers will label him themselves. I'd rather find ways to help him. I'm sure his dad would have preferred to feel less "dorky" at that age.

My 13 year old son has Autism and Aspergers Syndrom. A lot of what you are describing does sound like my sons' behaviors. My son was diagnosed when he was almost 3 so he's had services and therapies through our school system for 10 years. We also took him to our local childrens hospital for speech therapy when he was 4 and that did wonders for him. We continue to work with him on his social skills because he just doesn't "get" some of the subtle things that people say, he is also really unaware of reading body language.

My kiddo can be completely "in outer space" and not notice anything but the things he does pay attention to you just wouldn't believe what he noticed. (My hubby had a BMW when son was 4 and son could spot a BMW in a parking lot, driving down the road, everywhere we went.)

My son is VERY affectionate, in fact sometimes with my SIL (who loves him dearly) it is almost too much. He's just starting to learn that there are limits to what is appropriate especially in public.

We got quotes from the movies he watched constantly. If he commented on something he would pull a quote from a movie, it would normally be appropriate, but it did seem very odd.

Most people would not recognize the differences in my son. We have had professional people quitely point out to us that "I think your son may be..." and we tell them they are spot on.

Have him tested. If you get a diagnosis for him it will open up a whole world of help. Unfortunately, if you cannot get a diagnosis it will be an uphill battle. Do your best to help this kiddo. My husband and I were very upset when we got the diagnosis, but we have learned over the years that it was absolutly the very best thing that could have happened. We got so much help because of those three words on his file.

Good Luck.

M.

I feel awful that his father seems to be in denial. I, too, have a husband who is in denial of our sons challenges. Thankfully I got him into EI and other services before he was 2 - had I not taken the bull by the horns and did it myself I wonder what my son would be like now as my husband too says "he'll be just fine, he just needs to learn to listen, etc."

He does sound like he needs intervention - and unfortunately needed it years ago. I would urge you to discuss again with your husband and if he's not going along what is your relationship with your SS's mother?

I hope he gets help - best of luck - please let us know!!

What you are describing does sound like he COULD be on the autism spectrum/ Asperger's Syndrome.

My son is borderline AS (his actual diagnosis is "social function disorder" at this point) and a lot of what you describe sounds a lot like him, or like other descriptions of kids with Asperger's.

Since there is no cure or treatment for AS, it's an issue of treating/supporting each symptom or need that presents. (for my son that's ADHD medication, individual therapy, group life-skills therapy, and social skills training, but different kids have different needs).
Whether you name him with a diagnosis or not, he sounds like he could benefit from some supports around social skills, pragmatic speech, and some motor skill development.

In terms of getting DH to agree, it might be worth dropping the need for diagnosis at this point. He may be reluctant to pathologize what he sees as just his kid. He might be more willing to just address the concerns individually (which is what would happen even WITH a diagnosis anyway) How about a referral to a pychologist or behavioral health provider? Sounds like he might qualify for speech and language services at school... request an evaluation. Even just bringing your concerns to the pediatrician is a good place to start.

Hope this helps.
T.

It sounds like either way, he's behind in some skills and ahead in others. I'm not so worried about the video games per se. My cousin, my nephews, my stepson - all normal kids with their noses in their DSs at family functions. They talked about video games b/c that was what was important to them.

Since your SS is in school, why not encourage your DH to talk to the guidance office? Or talk to his pediatrician? Try to find out what might be going on, where, and to what extent. If he needs help with things, like understanding social interactions, then the professionals should guide you toward resources.

Perhaps one way to get your DH on board is for him to look at his son's future. If nothing changes, what does he truly, really see for his son? Someone who is dependent, can't live on his own, can't have a family, hold a job, etc.? And if he gets help - whatever it is he needs - he will have a brighter future. He will succeed instead of floundering or being labeled stupid when he's not.

Friend just married a man with Aspberger's. A diagnosis isn't a death sentence. But if he doesn't get the resources he needs, then he'll struggle more than I bet your DH wants his son to struggle.

And, yes, some of it may also be his mother's infantalizing him, but unless DH rocks the boat, he won't know where the line is.

Take my viewpoint with a grain of salt. I'm a parent to an autistic little boy and many of those quirks sound quite similar to my child who also has sensory processing disorder. However, they can also be typical of someone who has solely speech and sensory issues as well. You mentioned that his mom babies him and this I'm sure has to play into how the child acts and reacts to the world. I say it can never ever hurt to have the child looked into and if the school feels it's appropriate they would provide that opportunity. Try talking with your husband about how you could be wrong and all of this could be an immature issue but isn't it better to catch something if there is anything earlier rather than later?

There are so many red flags here and your instincts are spot on to me. It's shameful that your husband's denial is robbing this boy of support and interventions that could change the course of his life. We each get one childhood and at age 8, almost half of his has been squandered.

Perhaps Autism Speaks has some resources for dealing with parents who refuse to see what's in front of them. A diagnosis will open up a world of support and interventions that will change the qualify of his life forever, for the better.

If it were me, I would just have to be in my husband's face about this constantly until he did something. There were some issues with his daughter (my SD) before she came to live with us that he preferred to ignore and sometimes I just had to be a giant pain and accuse him of terrible things (being too selfish and cowardly to advocate for her, being a failure of a parent) to motivate him to actually take appropriate action. I never regretted doing so when necessary and do regret not ruffling more feathers more often.

Best of luck to all of you - if need be, see if you can recruit the school in contacting your husband. Yes there are issues where you're not the parent, but I'm betting that the school system has already red-flagged him and will pounce on an opportunity to finally have the parents do something on his behalf. The school is probably wondering what is wrong with his mother and your husband that they can ignore so much.

WOW! For a minute there, I thought that you had spent some time in my home, with MY son, and were writing about him. :) I think you are correct in that this is not "normal" behavior or just "immature" behavior, and that your stepson needs to be screened for whatever is going on. It's not so he can be labled, buut so he can get some great therapies to help him adjust and live in a world that just doesn't work for him right now. His Dad needs to realize that the wat things are going at this point, his son will have a very difficult time making friends, finding a girlfriend or having a relationship as he gets older, finding and keeping a job, and just living and enjoying a good life. There is nothing "wrong" with his son. His brain and nervous system work differently than most peoples at this point, and he needs to learn some basic skills differently. academically his son may be doing wonderfully, but socially he is WAY off and behind. We all know, that if you cannot function in the world socially, even to some degree, you will have a hard time doing well.
I believe that part of the issue is sensory integration dysfunction. That would be the problem with the tags in clothing, the shoes/ socks, and even some of the other things that you wrote. It is a real issue. It is helped with occupational and physical therapy. He needs to be evaluated. There is no magical medication. Dad doesn't need to worry about his son being "drugged" because honestly, nobody can medicate his child without his permission. Also, there really isn't a medication for Asperger's OR sensory issues. Depending on if the child has problems with mood swings and being irritable, etc. some doctors may suggest a mood stabalizer, but you are always able to say no. I would suggest that you do that if you do not want to go the route of meds. I strongly suggest that you are careful of any dopamine blocking medication anyway, because they offer a whole host of possible problems that can be caused for your child as a result of just taking the medication. If you HAVE to ever give your child a dopamine blocker type of medication, please never give a child more than 1 MG daily. I am speaking from experience. More than that can be very dangerous. Anyway, I digress. Meds will probably not even be needed for your SS, and what would be helpful would be different types of therapies. I really do hope that you can convince your husband to talk to his ex and look into some type of eval. HIs son deserves a chance at his childhood. (and friends) One more thing, and this is really for you. I admire you for asking this, and for stepping up when his own parents are not. <3 Keep loving him and don't give up on him! He is a good boy I am sure! I know how frustrating it can be sometimes, and I know how sad it can be to sit and watch them stumble, feeling like you are not "doing" enough. Listening to what should be a 30 second response to a question, but is a 3 to 5 minute long stammering or mess of words that never really quite answered the question to begin with can get painful. Be patient. He will get there eventually. If he knows that you are listening, it will happen. I know it's hard. It's good to know that you care enough to post this! :) Good luck! Let us know what happens!! I'll keep you in my thoughts!

Hi Lynn, its sounds like he is. My 12 yo dtr was just diagnosed in June. She has been ADD for years, but was always *different*. I have a word document that I can email you that has really great, easy to read info on it. You can print it and show it to hubs. Then all you need to do is take him to the doctor, who in turn will send him to a psychologist AND psychiatrist. One does the testing and one does the meds (if necessary, we don't med my dtr)...but I can't remember who does what. Anyway, the point is that *something* is going on and you need to figure out what. Once you know, its so much easier to deal with and then you know how to address it and more importantly, to explain it to him. Don't let too much time go by...and message me your email address if you want some info. Are you active on Facebook? I belong to a group on there for Aspies, its based in England or something, but there is great info on there. Good luck!

I don't think anyone should use this to diagnose ... Only a doctor can diagnose Aspergers .... That said, I swear my DH has a touch and he has taken an on-line quiz. I don't have the exact one, but perhaps you and DH can start with this one for your SS and see where the conversation flows ...

http://www.aspergerstestsite.com/75/autism-spectrum-quoti...

Best wishes.

Contact Headstart and ask some questions. He may be a little too old for them to test him but they can probably tell you who can work with him.

Check out meetup.com to see if there is a meetup group for Moms of autistic kids in your area.

Go autisimspeaks.org.

Yes I think there is a good chance that he has autisim. I think he is probably autistic rather than an aspie.