Asking for a Friend... Is This Appropriate?

I agree with Tracy K. Maybe ask her if she has thought about what he would think if she asked him; If it would be a bit of a shot to the ego... Men's egos can be pretty sensitive. It sounds like they want to be married but maybe its time for her to start dropping some really big hints instead of just popping the question. That't my opinion. I am more traditional though. I also know a couple that were in a similar situation and she did propose to him and it did not work out the way that she had hoped it would, he was really insulted.

I think she knows him best and if she thinks that he will say yes, then do it. If she thinks he will be offended, and like she is taking something from him, then no. She could even jokingly say, "I don't need the ring, and if you aren't willing to ask me, I will have to ask you." and see what type of reaction she gets.

I think it is great to be out of the box and do this. There shoudl be no rules that the man has to always propose.
If you ever watched "Friends" Monica proposes to Chandler :-).

If he's hung up on the ring, than he may be a bit more on the traditional side. I think she runs the risk of emasculating him. Just like every woman wants to plan her own wedding, every man wants to plan his own proposal. She would be taking that away from him. He obviously wants to do this right, so he probably has a plan in mind. By her asking, it might feel a failure to him. Like he couldn't get it done right, so she had to take matters in her own hands.

I think that the idea that the man has to be the one to ask is silly and antiquated. I love that she wants to take the pressure of a ring off him. I hope they get married and are happy!

I think it's cool for her to propose but she knows him best; would he think it fun or will he feel that he'd like to go the traditional route and be the one to pop the question? maybe she can make it clear to him that she'd like him to ask, without the ring. My husband was after me to marry for about a year, but couldn't afford the ring. It wasn't important to me so we went ahead without it. He got me a lovely ring a couple of years later.

A girl that was validictorian of her college class just proposed to her boyfriend, (validictorian runner-up) during her class speech.

Kohl's has some AMAZING deals on wedding rings. I got our wedding bands for $60 at JCP. Even AVON.com is now selling some beautiful ones for only a few hundred dollars

http://shop.avon.com/shop/search.aspx?Action=2&Answer...

I would have her browse and make comments about a ring that she likes, that doesn't cost that much, and then see how he responds. Depending on his personality, he may not like her doing the proposing. Oh, you could have them watch that movie 'Best Friends Wedding' with Julia Roberts. In there is a scene where she proposes to the best friend. See how he reacts.

Have they considered shopping for rings at Pawn Shops. They have some beautiful ones too.

M.

Loving someone so much that you ask them to marry you? What on earth could be wrong with that? Doesn't matter who does the asking. = )

Read thru some of the responses and couldn't resist. There is soooo much more to being "a man" that this one question. Any man that will feel emasculated for life by his beloved asking him to be married is no man at all IMO.

my husband never asked me to marry him, not really. we both discussed it and decided it was something we both wanted, I even had the ring on my finger before he saw it ( we had to special order it because I wanted white gold not yellow and I worked at the store we ordered it from =) )

OK, I'm in the minority here, but I don't think she should do it, and not because it's "outside the box." He has told her that the only thing holding him back is that he really wants to get her the ring he feels she deserves. If this is really the reason, proposing to HIM will only highlight the fact that he never proposed and never bought a ring. For all she knows he's been looking forward to the day he proposes, and the only thing missing is the money to buy a ring. It just might make him feel worse, not better.

If she really doesn't care about the ring, she should say so, but not "I want any old ring." It should be "I don't even want a ring, I only want you." She may be happy with any old ring, but he would be embarrassed to get down on one knee and place a lousy piece of tin on her finger and pledge his life.

I know how she feels, because I didn't care about the ring either, but the GUY wants to make sure you have something you can show off to your friends. If it can't be a ring, make it something else. I told my hubby that I didn't want a ring I wanted a song- he had to pick "our song", the one we would dance to at our wedding. I told him I wouldn't say yes if he didn't have a song picked out. That gave him something to pour his efforts into, and gave me a story to tell my friends, and didn't cost anything.

I asked my husband to marry me and we will celebrate our ninth anniversary on the 31st! I don't think it matters who asks as long as they love each other.

I think they should just go together and pick out bands. He can promise a bigger ring or a traditional wedding for a future anniversary. I'm sure their families would love for them to have a quiet little ceremony and a great party to make their relationship legal. They already "feel" married, but their kids obviously want the security of married parents, and they owe it to them (no one else) to do it. Neither one has to propose. They are many years and 3 kids beyond that traditional idea.

In general, I think it's fine. But, as so many others have mentioned, it depends on their personalities. My husband wouldn't have cared, but my brother would have flipped of if his wife has proposed to him. It really just depends on their personalities. I think a heart to heart is in order for them. She really needs to explain to him that it doesn't matter. Their love is the most important thing. Perhaps should could even flat out say "the ring that I deserve is the one you give me, regardless of size." If they haven't talked about it, how would he know? (I don't know if they have or not, you didn't mention it). Have they ever gone ring shopping before? Maybe they should go browse so he can get and idea of what she actually wants? Most men are clueless when it comes to jewelry! :)
If she thinks that he would be ok with her proposing, then I say don't have her buy her own ring. That's really emasculating. :D

I think I agree with Tracy, below. But I would also throw this out there, since we're all just giving our thoughts...

Has it occurred to either of them, that the longer they put off actually doing this, the more weight he is going to feel to have a bigger and better ring? I know plenty of couples that have been married 20 years, and even though they are quite well off now, they have tiny little rings, because that's all they could afford way back when. The more established the finances become through the years, the more pressure he is going to feel to provide her with a ring be-fitting her "status". Young couples often can't afford an extravagant ring, and nobody ever gives it a second thought. At this point, he has got to feel cornered... he has put off the "proposal" so he can get her a nice ring for how long now? And how close is he to being able to afford what he now feel he "owes" her for waiting? Do you see what I'm saying?

For what it is worth, my own mother doesn't even HAVE an engagement ring. They didn't have a lot of money, my dad was in the service, neither family had heirloom rings to pass down.... My mom wears a simple gold wedding band, and so does my dad. That's it. And she has never taken hers off of her finger even once. Now that it has been almost 50 years, he has of course, during the course of their marriage, given her anniversary rings with lots of diamonds. But none of the diamonds matter like that little gold band.

If your friend would feel like that, then maybe she could suggest to her wanna be fiance, that they should skip the engagement RING, just have bands, and then he can give her a nice anniversary ring later (maybe even a ring celebrating how many years they have actually been together, not just the married years?). Then they could get married, but avoid the whole engagement ring debate.

Just an idea.

What's more important - being married, or being traditional and doing things "the right way" ?? Ask her what she feels his reaction will be and go from there. Maybe the two of them just need to go ring shopping and she can show him something that she likes and still is "acceptable" enough for him to "give" her (some men get caught up in the pride and appearances of being able to 'keep a wife' in style and provide for her.... if so, then a dime store ring just wont be real for him!)

I do think it has to be something between the two of them, and not any of us, but since you asked, I don't see anything wrong, and in fact commend her/them for both wanting to be married... The kids want them to be married, so get on with it, what are they waiting for? a lightening bolt from the sky??

I don't see anything wrong with her asking him. If they have been talking about it and are ready to get married, like you said, maybe he just needs a little push. Sometimes men are wanting it to be 'Perfect' when the women are just about the relationship, who cares about the ring!

I think it's fine , if he won't pop the question. She's been waiting a long time and he's being sunburn. my husband and I spent maybe 150 on our wedding bands together. The engagement ring was once his mothers. But the ring I cherish the most is the "promise ring" he gave me , yep old fashioned little kid stuff but it is my most cherished possession. It's a tiny little band with tiny little chips of our birthstones alternating in it, I know it didn't cost very much and I don't care. That's the one I hide away so I don't loose it or so it never gets stolen.

Oh, I'm completely in favor of her asking if it's that important to her.

But, not all rings have to be expensive. I actually didn't want an expensive engagement ring with a diamond. Mine has a 2 carat blue topaz that can be replaced for about $100. I get compliments all the time.

I really wanted to focus on the union and the marriage instead of the ring. My husband keeps saying he wants to get me a diamond. I don't want it. I love my ring, and I get compliments all the time.

But, I also broke tradition by giving him the equivalent of my ring towards a watch he really wanted. It actually is much more expensive than my ring, but I wanted him to feel he had something, too, and it will be an heirloom to pass down to our kids one day.

As much as I like etiquette, I believe she can completely make the proposal to show how important it is to her and how the ring is just a symbol - their children and commitment are already proven.

I know of some women that have proposed to their boyfriend and their marriage and level of commitment to each other is just the same as when the man proposes to the woman. It can work and, if she is the one proposing to him then, you are right, the whole presentation of the ring issue is now off his back. I say, why not go for it? Since they are in a committed relationship and want to be with each other, it seems like he's a sure thing. ;o)

Wishing all the best for your girlfriend and her family.

I think it's a neat idea, but I do not know them as a couple (or more importantly him as a man). Some men would like to do the propsing, thus he may feel like she overstepped her boundaries and took over what was supposed to be one of the most important moments in their relationship.

If she were my friend, I'd suggest that she talk with him, emphasizing that she wants to be husband and wife and that the ring can come later (I also had this conversation for years with my husband and he did get a ring 4 years into it and propose). Maybe she could even bring up the idea (say she read it somewhere about how women proposing is becoming more popular) and see how he reacts!

I think it is a bad idea that she proposes. From my perspective, it is very emasculating. No matter what year or decade it is I don't think it should ever be that the woman proposes to the man. Men by nature are "hunter-gatherers." If and when he is ready, he will propose.

I don't see an issue with the woman asking. I think it happens more often than people realize.

I honestly was kinda "in shock" when reading that first paragraph. That sounds ALMOST exactly like my situation! Only we're on kid #2. But I call my b/f my Hubby all the time. Same situation though.
We've talked marriage and My b/f has the same reasoning. He wants to "make it perfect" He wants to get me the PERFECT ring, the PERFECT wedding etc. When really I just want to REALLY be able to call him my Hubby. Even if that meant court house marriage. Although in my opinion I still would like to be asked.

So I know how she feels haha

p.s. I give my "hubby" a hard time about it all the time *in a joking way* that he doesn't want to marry me, he's just making excuses etc. its fun lol

I think it's fine and WAY overdue!

When my husband and I decided to get married 16 years ago, it was kind of mutual agreement. I designed the ring, a marquis amythest surrounded by small diamonds and two pearls. These were my favorite stone and birthstones. I think it was less than $400. When it was ready he picked it up and "officially" proposed. I managed to lose this and a subsequent ring. I now have a beautiful little ring that was a $99 promise ring from Walmart. She just needs to let him know the ring doesn't need to be large and expensive to be meaningful. But I would still let him do the asking.

I asked my husband to marry me, and it was awesome! We had been together for 7 years, we had kind of talked about the marriage thing. We were fairly young at the time (me 24, he 26) in our circle of friends, none of them were even close to marriage. My husband was away in the US for a month (we are from Australia originally) on a conference, and I was meeting him in Europe afterwards. While he was away, the thought just kept nagging me, and I eventually decided to just do it. I didn't really know what I was waiting for. We had been to Paris before, loved it, and that is where we were meeting, and thought that was the perfect place for it. I didn't know that he was actually thinking the same thing, though in Venice. While he was in the US 9/11 occurred, about a week before we were heading to Europe. After this it really hit home that life is too short to just wait for the "right time", because it just may never come. In Paris, I asked, I didn't have a ring or anything and I didn't care. I wasn't getting engaged for the ring but because he was the man I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Today we have been married for 8 years and have 2 kids and are trying for our third, and we couldn't be happier. My husband did not have a bruised ego or anything. It shouldn't be about 'tradition' or a ring. Get back to basics and what marriage is all about - love.

I am very much for the guy asking the girl; however, if this is what she truly wants she should go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

As long as one of them asks, who cares which one pops the question? It's the relationship and the love the couple feel for each other that counts. A ring can come later or be upgraded. It's a symbol, and it's nice, but it's not necessary and it shouldn't stand in the way. I hope who ever asks the answer is "Yes!". Congratulations to the happy couple!

I haven't read all the other responses, but thought I'd throw this out there. They should get married and plan for a big anniversary ring. You said they've already been together a while. Maybe once they've been together 10 years or 15 years, they could both (or just her) get a nice 3 stone ring or something. Or they could go non-traditional if they like. I have a tiny diamond for my engagement ring, and the quality isn't all that great, but we had no money, and it was a gift from others, and I love it. Then I wear my plain white-gold wedding band. Then I have a gorgeous aquamarine ring, and I get a LOT of compliments on it. I wear them all together, and they look great. In a few years I'm going to get a really great anniversary band with bigger diamonds, but I love what I have, and I love that we didn't go into debt to get it. I know another woman whose wedding ring is a gorgeous sapphire with little diamonds around it. I agree that her proposing may emasculate him some, but if she's willing to look at other stones, even white sapphires, and replace with diamonds later, she'll get the look she loves, he won't feel bad about the stone size, and in a few years they can go ring shopping again, or maybe they could do it with money they'll get from the wedding...just a thought! Good luck to them, whatever they decide!

I see nothing wrong with her asking him. I for a fact think its wonderful! I was the first to bring the subject up to my now husband. Good for her for wanting to do this. I give her two thumbs up!

I think it's fine. With us neither my husband nor I ever really proposed. We talke about getting married and just together decided to go to the courthouse and do it.
Personally I am not into the whole overly romantic "disney fairytale" wedding stuff, so I would not have it any other way.
So yes, I think she should do it, if that's what she wants!
Good luck!

I think it's fine, however the more important question is how will the boyfriend feel about it? If he's laid back and pretty secure with her taking the lead on things like this then fine. If not, this could backfire on her.

If she decides not to go this way, what about her dropping hints (or flat out telling him) that she doesn't want a traditional diamond engagement/wedding ring. Maybe a ring with the 3 kids birthstones (or all five birthstones including the couple). Maybe you could suggest this to him in private and get the ball rolling in a different direction with him. I have a friend who absolutely did not want a diamond ring, so she has a ruby wedding ring.

Good luck,
K.

I think its fine, although i am a little traditional and probably wouldnt be married today if i hadnt been asked by my husband.

yes, proposing to a man is ok.

Just a quick suggestion you might throw out there - a lot of anniversary bands are cheaper than big diamond engagement rings. I have a friend whose husband could not afford the "rock" so he bought her a pretty anniversary band as her engagement ring. This way she had a nice ring to show off to her girlfriends and she didn't have an empty hand when she went around telling everyone she was engaged. She wore it with her wedding band for years. One day (years later) while they were out they went by a jewelry store and he suggested they go in to "look." She fell in love with a 1 carat diamond in a thin, plain band. He told the sales guy to wrap it up! Now she wears all 3 rings. This way, you don't end up with a ring that you don't wear anymore (I know some people do it but I would never have the heart to get rid of or not wear the ring my husband gave me when he proposed). Now she has 2 "ring" stories!

after three kids together, i would think anything short of putting a ring through his winky would be ok. but thats just me.
K. h.

Just a guess- it isn't really the ring that's holding him back. Most guys aren't that materialistic. Especially if she 's trying to give the vibe that the ring isn't the most important thing to her. she needs to talk to him about how he feels about marriage