Are You Open in Telling Others About Your Child's Asd ?

I think you and your husband are just too new to the world of autism, and you haven't been with enough other parents, kids, doctors or counselors to really have worked through your own awkwardness. You also have no sense of how many other kids are dealing with something - sensory processing disorders, learning disabilities, alcohol/drug issues in the family, divorce/family dysfunction, seizures, life-threatening allergies, and autism, and much more - so you think your child is the only one with a problem and the only one who is having problems.

Your husband has very little faith in anyone, and very little realization that, if no one was playing with a kid with an issue, the whole playground would be filled with kids who are sitting alone. Ask your child's doctor or counselor for a parent support group as well as a "script" to use in various situations.

I understand your husband's fears, but won't people judge your son more if they don't know that he's struggling with something?

I believe telling people (who have a need to know or regular contact) when a child has challenges which affect others. My son has ADHD and some processing delays. This can look like he's not even listening sometimes-- he really needs to take a long minute to sort out what he's being asked to do. We also know that transitions can be hard for him when he's hyperfocused, so letting teachers, instructors or parents of friends know that he needs some extra guidance in this has been helpful. (This way they know he's not willfully ignoring them, but can give him extra time to move out of one activity and on to the next.)

Please let your husband know what I have seen: most people*want* to help children who struggle. If we give them concrete advice or information, they are often more understanding than if we try to downplay it. Sharing information--and use wisdom, obviously-- tells other parents that A. we are aware of our child's behavior and its affect on others and B. we are being responsible in helping them to know how to help when they are with our child. Community is so helpful. I've had mostly good feedback from other parents...some aren't going to be understanding, some might even dismiss it out of ignorance, but by and large, most people WANT to help. More people are aware of autism these days and aware that many brilliant people are autistic.

And in answer to your other question, talk to your son about his diagnosis. My son asked me about an advertisement for Concerta or something else, when I told him that "sometimes, some people need a little help focusing and this makes their brains go a bit faster" he said "I wish I could have that!" and thus, we had a great entry in telling him that he did, in fact, have ADHD. We've also had talks about some of his heroes that have ADHD and are successful in life. Who knew that the creator of Captain Underpants would have played such a positive role in how my son sees himself?! So, share information wisely and with the intention of helping your son (don't complain or go on about how hard it is, that won't help). You'd be surprised at how helpful and understanding people can be.

If it were me, I'd definitely tell close friends' parents. If he goes to play at a kid's house, wouldn't you rather the mom or dad know what's going on if he has a tantrum? As a parent, I'd want to know - and I would ask how to deal with it.

I think you'll find most parents are very understanding about stuff. We had a boy here who had a panic attack. He actually just got up and left our home. I had to run down our lane and find him. I dealt with it, and he was able to come back and play.

These kinds of things are good to tell parents. Otherwise, you're just waiting for them to bring it up after an incident. I'd rather be proactive than reactive - personally.

If you mention it to the parents, be aware they will likely say something around their child (your child's friend) so your child will hear about it. So I would not start letting close friends know until you've spoken to your child.

I don't have an autistic child, so I can't really answer your question. The reason I am writing is because of reading Gidget's post. Gidget, if you're reading this, I just want to say that the gaul of some people, hunting you down in a store a SECOND time, is just appalling. I'm surprised she apologized, but glad for you, and maybe, just maybe, she thought before doing that again to someone else.

I knew someone who carried around cards that he slipped to restaurant servers or people who were trying to help his wife. She had Alzheimers, and the Alzheimers organization gave him the cards for this reason. That way they would understand. I don't know if this idea would appeal to people with autistic children or not... it could help if you don't want to announce it in front of their kids.

You've been asking similar questions for quite awhile and gotten some very good answers.
I'm not sure there's anything new to say to improve upon what's already been posted.

Our son isn't autistic, but has a long list of other brain disorders, including ADHD, OCD, ODD, ARFID and anxiety. I've been pretty open about his challenges and found that people are far more accepting when they understand his behavior. For instance, if he's going over to a friend's house, you might tell the mom in advance, "Just a heads-up that Son sometimes does xyz behavior. It's because he has autism. If that happens, we've found it works well to xyz. Always feel free to contact me if you have any questions or concerns. He's really looking forward to coming over tomorrow!" I have yet to have one of our son's friend's express the slightest concern about him. They've been so understanding and go out of their way to help him fit in. Same goes with teachers, neighbors and others in-the-know.

I can't imagine saying anything to him or anyone else.

Although my daughter is not affected by autism, she has multiple diagnoses of other kinds, including anxiety, depression and panic attacks, as well as some medication side effects that affect her behavior at times.

The best advice I got was from one of her doctors, who quite literally helped me come up with a script to say in the event of a complete meltdown on the part of my daughter. I really didn't have words, or experience, to explain what was happening, and it made me uncomfortable and it made the situation awkward. The doctor also helped me understand in what situations it might be helpful to explain, and in what situations I should just be quiet. The doctor also helped me to craft a series of steps to take in order to diffuse a potentially explosive situation. Having these concrete aids (the script to tell others and how to know when to say something and when to keep quiet) has been immensely helpful. I was quite honest with the doctor (not in front of my daughter) that I was at a loss how to deal with the panic attacks and how to deal with the choice between enlightening strangers or neighbors or family, and keeping quiet.

So you might try bringing your question to one of your child's medical team (a psychologist, counselor, doctor, etc) who knows your child best, and who can be a source of support to you.