Anyone Have a Parent That Has Never Got Anything for Your Kids?

Well my dear, he is who he is and is not going to change. Frankly, he sounds like he does not have the capacity to give to others. It was great of you to invite him to the party, but don't expect anything.

You are very generous in all you are doing for him (and will be repaid in life, just not from him).

All you can do is continue to be a good mom and a good person.

If my mom's husband (my step dad) did not have her around to buy presents for his grandkids he would never do it. It's a guy thing sometimes. And perhaps this happens more with guys of that generation. He just would not think of it. He is kind of self centered and does not really interact much with his grandkids. This is a man who is an alcoholic and pretty much just sits and watches sports all day. I guess when his kids were young he did not interact with them much then either. I have a feeling if my stepmom were not around my dad would not remember birthdays or to go out and buy a gift or a card. Anyway, I'm sorry. It sucks. You would like for him to show that he cares for his granddaughter and for him to find joy in giving her a small gift and to show he is thinking of her. Maybe you could talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he is just use to you buying a gift for him.

My mom doesn't get anything for my kids or acknowledge their birthdays. She's always been on a fixed income but she used to make cute cards for them. Now she doesn't even do that. I would let it go. If he wants to do it that's great but don't ask him to. Enjoy him while you have him even if he's not much of a giver.

Sorry Tess but you're the nasty one here. This momma doesn't need anything but a decent answer to her question. Your answer was pathetic and mean spirited.

If I were you J., I'd probably explain to your kids that grandpa is on a fixed income and is unable to shop, but you're glad he is here with you now to share in the birthday parties and such. You can't change him, and certainly you can't give him more money to buy a gift. It is what it is. Make the best of it. You're a kind person for taking such good care of him.

ADDED: After looking through Tess' posts, I figure she's the troll you're all talking about -- possibly a teenager judging from her writing. Sorry I didn't ignore her. Oops!

I think if he has always been unattentive and not involved thinking it's going to change this late in the game is a bit hopeless. Enjoy your child's birthday and realize you are truly being the better person by taking care of him especially since he was never there for you.

Good luck!

Do not ask him to buy your son a gift. You said it yourself, he has no money and it sounds like he's totally dependent on you to survive. Asking him to buy something under these circumstances would be hurtful and create unnecessary guilt for your dad.

From your explaination, it sounds like he didn't come to you for help, but that you offered it to him. Don't force him to feel accountible because of your generosity. If you truly want to be generous, you wouldn't dwell on how much he's costing you, who is or isn't helping, or whether or not he's able to buy a present for your son. True generosity gives with no expectation of a return. If you believe in an afterlife and are a Christian, your reward is in heaven...not here.

Hopefully, he'll give something if he can. If he can't, you need to remind yourself why and be content that he loves you and your child and appreciates deeply what you are doing for him. No need to cause him pain or to remind him to earn his keep by telling him to buy your child something, when realistically he can't care for himself. It's the right thing to do. You might consider purchasing a gift from him and signing his name on it along with yours and giving it to your son. You might even invite him to help you pick it out. He might surprise you and offer you the dollar in his pocket he was planning on using for a cup of Joe. Afterall it is the thought that counts and he might be feeling poorly about not being able to buy a gift from his own bank account. This might make him feel better.

As for your childhood and his past behavior...let it go. I know easier said than done. But this is a new chapter in both of your lives and an opportunity to reconnect in a different way. You will never get the opportunity to be cared for by him in the way a parent cares for a young child, but you can develop a good relationship as adults (you both have grown up it sounds like) and can look to the future with hope of better days.

Try not to recapture lost days or experiences that can not be recovered or to hang on to old pains and anger. Healthy relationships begin with forgiveness. You've already started in the right direction by helping him out during this time of need and possibly the end of his life. It sounds as though he's reformed. Isn't that a blessing? So many people have parents who go to their grave troubled and estranged. There is hope here. Grab it with both hands and try to look at things differently.

If necessary, seek counseling to help you move past old feelings. What a gift for the both of you to have an opportunity to repair the past.

In general, men are bad about shopping and gift giving. It simply doesn't occur to them to do it. It has nothing to do with how close they are or how much they love the person; most men have a blind spot.

You could say, "I'll take you shopping to choose a gift," but he'd probably say, "Oh, get whatever you think he'd like." Again, it's no reflection on how he feels about you or your kids.

If it's deeply important to you that your kids get something from Grandpa, try to arrange for him to DO something for them for their birthdays - a one on one visit to a park, the beach or a movie theater or fast food place.

See what kind of public assistance he qualifies for, or that you qualify for as a caregiver, to help out financially.

And to answer your headline question, yes, many of us have relatives that we think ignore our kids. It's up to you how to respond to that, because you can't change other people.

J., your post really hit home for me. I've been caring for my step-father for almost two years, just as you have been caring for your father. My step-father is blind and has MS, and my brother helps me care for him. I don't know how long your dad has been living in the area, but for me it has gotten easier. The first year that I took care of my step-dad, it was so hard. I totally understand what you mean about dragging the kids to all of the doctor's appointments. I feel like my kids should be made saints for all they've been through. Your kids probably should be, too. They're learning valuable lessons about life through all of this, though.

This year has been much easier. We're in a groove now. Hopefully you'll get there too. As for the gift, my step-dad does give gifts (that I go out and purchase), but he doesn't have any idea how hard everything else is for us - the groceries, prescriptions, doctor's appointments, etc. It would be so nice to hear "Thank you." I really don't think he realizes how much it disrupts our lives, and your step-father probably just assumes that you're taking care of the birthday gift since he can't get out and about, or he assumes that everyone understands that he can't get a gift, but that he loves his grandson just the same. Older people seem to assume a lot.

At any rate, I hope your son has a wonderful birthday, and that you are able to enjoy the day as well.

J.,

Just re-read your post and see all the things you have to do for your father (a man by the way who is sick and probably so focused on his own issues) -

He is not in a position to afford at least $5 worth of a gift, how is he going to get to the store to get it if he does not drive and if he is that sick that you had to take him in, it might be a bit unreasonable just to expect him to get anything.

I think the real issue is that you are feeling overwhelmed with having to take care of him and I think in the back of your mind you know he is not able to get a gift, but try to focus on you and your son. I am sure your dad loves your son and will celebrate tomorrow in his own way.

Fixed income and bad health is a crappy place to be. I know you seem a little bitter that he should have taken better care of himself, but by his example I'm sure you are going to be a much healthier person for it. (Kids learn from us whether we do a good job parenting or not, once they are old enough to decide what way they want to go... so don't blame Dad much, he taught you a better way to live)
Grandpa just being there is probably good enough for your son, maybe you could get a card from Grandpa and say "hey, sign this Dad, and little johnny would probably love a 5 dollar bill for his bday?" Or tell your dad you are planning on putting 5 bucks in it for your child.

No, it would not be appropriate for you to ask your father to buy your son something. Gifts are not owed and not something you ask other people for. He clearly has financial issues - he would not depend on you to pay for his cellphone, prescriptions, gas, etc if he had the money for extras like gifts. He cannot even afford the basics. It is very kind of you to provide for your father in this way, it is your choice to do so even though I know you may feel obligated. It was your choice to have four children. That is a lot of kids to expect a grandparent on a fixed income to provide gifts for. Why don't YOU pick up a card, have grandpa sign it for your son and you stick a $5 bill in it?

For various reasons, some people just aren't gift givers. What all you do for your father is wonderful and so very kind. But it doesn't even matter if your father is rich or poor, he isn't obligated to gift anyone. Would it be thoughtful of him to bring a gift for your son? Sure, of course. But if you have to cajole him into it or put his name on something, it defeats the meaning of a gift. If there is some particular present or token you want your son to have, YOU should give it to him, from you. If you want him to have a fun time opening a bunch of gifts at his party, get him a bunch of smaller things to open. You should not expect a gift from anyone. If your son notices Grandpa didn't come with a gift, what a perfect opportunity to teach him you invite people to share your special day because you want their presence, not their presents. Plan something fun, a game or puzzle or activity for him to do with Grandpa. The time spent together is what counts.

There really are people that cannot afford any type of gift. Especially the elderly.. there is also driving to the store and figuring out what the heck to even give a kid these days that is only $5.00 when the kids seem to have everything already.

We used to purchase boxes of mixed greeting cards and give them to one of the grandmothers. We also included stamps so she could mail them..

Sometimes she would slip a few dollars in there and the great grandchildren were so excited to get mail, but to have some money was pretty cool too.

My father never got anything for any of my 4 kids and never came to visit. He had no excuse.

Your dad doesn't have anything to give more than likely. Just be glad he's around.

I think this is about so much more than your son's birthday and a present/card. IMO it is about your childhood, your current relationship with your dad, and your role as caretaker. Unfortunately none of us can help you sort out those feelings. I can only say that I find you very admirable and wish you all the best in the days and months ahead.

I also hope your son has a wonderful birthday and party.

Sometimes people in our lives just dont live up to what we wish for. You just have to take them for what and how they are.
My inlaws have money. Yet they have never given a gift, a card, a phone call, or a visit to our 2 kids. I used to send cards, gifts, call, visit. But the Christmas we were at their home and they had 50+ gifts for another grand child, and nothing for our son and daughter, we decided to never go back for a gift giving holiday. They have yet to mention or acknowledge the fact that our son graduated HS and college (with honors) and have ignored the fact that our daughter graduated HS or that she had a baby 4 years ago. We do hear other family members are invited to their home, and some even have to drive right past our town to get there, but no one stops to see us, and we havent been invited. And no, we didnt do some terrible thing to cause this. It has everything to do with us not taking their money and letting them boss us around and make all our decisions.
You just have to decide if you love your dad, to just love him the way he is and not expect him to be or do anything different.
Im not so sure your kids at this age, will really notice that grampa didnt give them a gift. Later maybe, but you will explain it to them at that point. My kids just know grama and grampa dont send stuff and dont play a role in our lives much. Not that its easy, or nice,, but it is what it is and we dont let it make us miserable. Tell the birthday kid Happy Birthday!

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I understand how hurtful it is. Ignore the people who don't understand.
My father has given very little to my children. But he did give presents to my brother's children.
The worse is that he never shows up for anything. So just be thankful you have that.

I was in a similar situation and I just changed the names on one of the presents I gave my son so it could be from my Mom. He doesn't have the money for it. Just thank the good Lord that you have the money and the ability to help.

You should be getting some sort of assistance in paying for these things, shouldn't you?? Medicare? Government assistance?? Veteran services? Senior assistance programs?? Call around and see if you can get more practical help for what you're doing. It's difficult to take care of an elder, you're doing a very kind thing.

There are some people in life that we just have to exempt. By that I mean, they are included and we love them, but we don't expect anything in return - they are exempted. My mother is the same. She does not have the physical health issues of your father. But is paranoid schizophrenic, extremely eccentric with her ideas, and unable to hold a job. We all just sort of put up with her and share funny stories about her when she is not around. We never expect anything for us or our kids. She won't even pay for a $12.00 phone line so we can contact her. But she complains that we don't talk to her. She's that type. Energy draining, selfish, and hilarious all at the same time.

I still hold a grudge against her for not being emotionally involved in parenting me. I can count on one hand how many of my high school performances she attended. She constantly asked me to be less involved in clubs and activities...to just be home with her. R U KIDDING??? My curfew was this: be home by midnight, otherwise call me every hour - if not, you owe me 5 bucks.

Make a list of his good qualities and hang it on your bathroom mirror. You'll still be frustrated, but maybe a little less.

hugs...

I, personally, don't think you should ask him to bring anything, especially if he can't afford it. I would, however, buy a small, cheap gift on his behalf.

If he is so broke, can't he qualify for medical aid, prescriptions, free transportation to & from doctor's appointments, etc? If you're low income & elderly, in my area, you qualify for all that, and more. I know this is off topic, but you may want to check into what programs are available to him before you continue to pay his way, if you don't have to.

I got real mad a couple years ago when my sister (I think she was 6 or 7 then?) got "__ fest" for her birthday. Basically, a whole festival, named after her. First, there was the stupid jealousy thing: growing up, for our birthdays it was a big fight that my mom staged in our defense, where we got to have up to 2 friends come over. We would either have Pizza Hut or frito pie, and I made my own birthday cake from the time I was in 4th grade on (because I liked it and wanted to), and my 2 friends would come over and we'd rent a movie and have a sleep over. That was all! Until I was in highschool and could leave on my own. With my sister, she said "I want a festival" so they gave her one: they hired people to walk around dressed like princesses. They had pony rides, cotton candy, a clown that told jokes, animal balloons, and magic tricks. They had 3 bounce houses (different sizes/shapes). Dad cooked out (burgers and hotdogs) for the whole neighborhood: something stupid like 40 adults and 50 kids. She has 2 rooms upstairs just full of junk she doesn't play with or take care of, and she refuses to donate anything (like seriously, 200 stuffed animals are ALL to "special"? b.s.!!!) Anyway: they went on and on about this party. (She also is in basketball, softball, soccer, karate, horse lessons, ballet, gymnastics, and girl scouts) at different times of the year, but from 6th grade on, I was allowed ONE out of school activity (softball in middleschool, soccer in highschool) but had to pay for it with my own money---babysitting, pulling weeds, etc). Anyway, I think it is DISGUSTING and PATHETIC for a grown woman to be jealous of her elementary age sister. But, there's the feelings. I can't control the fact that the feelings come, but I can control how I react, ya know? Anyway, all this done, and they made a big deal about how great it was. My grandma also called to tell me she spent $300 on my sister's birthday clothes, just tons of "stuff". But then my son's birthday was 2 months later. Not a gift, not a card, not a phone call. Nothing at all. That infuriated me. I waited a week until I knew I could be cool and said "Is everything ok? Is everyone ok? Nothing's wrong?" and dad's like "Why?" and I said because Joe's birthday was a week ago. "Ohhhh, yeah! I'm sorry". I was upset. Joseph wasn't, he didn't notice (young and whatever...and we didn't mention it in front of our son). He said he was going to send a check and I said "Do not send anything, it's not about a gift, it's about making a huge deal about __ and ignoring Joe". He insisted he'd send a gift and I said "If I get anything to this house postmarked this day or later, I will do return to sender on it unopened. It is NOT ABOUT THE GIFT. But I'm very upset you didn't even acknowledge him---a phone call and singing happy birthday would have been great".
Well, we've since moved much closer: 5 hours away now. We've gone to visit 7 times in 12 months. But we weren't invited for my sister's birthday party at some bounce house place (she's 4 years older than my son, I understand that). But then no card or gift in October for Joseph. We put grandpa's name on an extra gift for him. But tomorrow is Victor's birthday, and no card of gift for him either. Victor: too young to notice or care (2yrs old). It makes me mad though I know in my head that I shouldn't let it get to me. Dads can be stupid, and not too good at the grandpa thing sometimes. I don't know how we'll proceed. But I think our situation is different than yours in that my dad is wealthy and NOT ill. Your father isn't really thinking about gifts because he's sick and not wealthy. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably think it easier to stomach. At least he's THERE (even if it is out of necessity) to sing when y'all sing happy birthday, ya know? Just wanted to tell my story to let ya know you're not crazy for feeling aggravated, I know what it feels like to have your kid slighted. But.....I'd give a little pass on a sick dad with no money a lot easier than I would a healthy dad with plenty. It's not really the gift as much as him SAYING happy birthday or trying to be there (or you having the party at his house so he can see grandpa). But no, I wouldn't expect a gift AT ALL from what you've said about your dad. He's poor. And if he's getting meals on wheels, he's not dancing through the store aisles either. It's hard to get around when you're ill.

My mother is financially ok, and physically ok, but she's a narcissistic PITA. We generally get phone calls. I'm generally OK with not having a relationship with her.

From your What Happened, it sounds like he's not worth the worry. I know you're being nice to help him out, but don't make yourself crazy expecting him to be the parent you want him to be, because he won't. I speak from experience. I call my mother "the egg doner", and I call my MIL and step-Sister my moms, because they act like they are.

If he needs to become a ward of the state to save your sanity and finances, then so be it. From what I understand, it's not the facility that determines the level of care he would receive, it's the visitation. So if you can visit often enough to make sure he's being taken care of, do what you have to do.

Some people are just "takers" and will never change. I am so sorry you and your family have to do SO much giving and aren't appreciated at all. You are a saint ! Hang in there. What ever you give you get back somewhere else =)

My MIL is a Jehovas Witness, she has never bought my kids a birthday present or Christmas present or a 'just because' present. My MIL doesn't even show up. My MIL is very very well off too. Don't sweat the small stuff, it's just not worth it.

I wish our parents made their presence their present. We are now in the process of weeding out the toys (too many to even think about) because they don't care about any of them. Teach your son that having his grandfather for another year is the best gift he can give. Many of us lost that early or never had it at all.
Also call 211 and ask for assisance for elder care in your neighberhood. That should help with the stress of being your father's primany caregiver.

My dad is retired and works a full time job, so he has two incomes coming in. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old, my sister also has a 1 year old. He has never gotten any of the kids anything for a birthday or christmas. He also doesn't get me or my sister anything for birthdays, although we do get money for Christmas. I think he just doesn't think about it because he always says he doesn't want gifts. So this year I'm going to remind him, and hope he remembers to start getting gifts for the kids. The 3 year old especially is getting old enough to start noticing things like that.

How is he going to get to the store to buy the present?
If you really, really want him to get your son something, give him the money and take him to the store. Just explain it to him that you want your son to have a little something special from his grandpa. It may be that he just hasn't thought about doing it - lots of guys don't think in those terms: Birthday = going out to buy present. For lots of guys, it was always their wife that was in charge of getting the gifts for people and they just never thought about doing the shopping themselves.

J., did he work before he got sick? You mention his disability. If he was turned down for it, you can get a disability lawyer to file. When my dad was too sick to work anymore, a lawyer got him disability and that really helped him and my mom. I was told that most of the time people are turned down the first time, and then a lawyer who specializes in just that can get it if someone really qualifies. Please look into this.

Good luck,
Dawn

My inlaws are the same way. But they have 20 grandchildren, so it can be very expensive for them, so I get it.