Anyone Else Struggle with Money Arguments in Their Marriage

OMG!!! I think we're married to the same man! We argue over the same thing. I make $200 a week doing daycare for a family. Somehow my husband thinks I can pay for groceries, a $400 car payment, utilities, and still have spending money. He thinks I spend too much on groceries. I think I do good, about $140 for two weeks. (any suggestions?) I find myself lying, too. I know it's horrible, but I just want to hear it. So, I'm with you sister. Just hang in there.

Hey Eliazbeth,

My hubby and I were always on edge with the money. Pretty much for the first year of our daughters life we had arguments on how much I was spending.

We have a joint account so he knows how much a spend, and he would always ask 'what did you buy?' I am a big fan of joint account, that way you don't get 'this is my money' situations. I am sure my husband would have been that way but I gave him no option, I told him as soon as we got married we will have one account. I also think it is easier to really understand how much money you have as a total.

About 5 months ago I told him that if he complains about the money I spend he will be doing the shopping (both food and supplies). Well he complained again so I told him was going to do the shopping for the next 4 months, and he would take our daughter with him.

I think that gave him a good feel for how much food and other household needs really cost for a family. I am back doing the shopping but he no longer complains about the money that is spent on food. I do try to buy things on sale but it is not always possible to get everything you need on sale.

Hi E.~
First, no matter how hard, be honest!! I would think a joint checking account would help too. But an ever better thing... DAVE RAMSEY!!! You said you were signed up for a financial class at Church... I'm praying for you that it is Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University!!! If it's not, please look on his website www.daveramsey.com, go to the left side and click on Financial Peace University. From here you can type in your zip code and find a class near you!! Dave Ramsey is WONDERFUL!! He is Christian based and teaches you how to get out of debt, make a working budget, USE CASH, and many, many other great things!
My husband and I had started going to a class in Jan 06 but only finished 5 classes due to daughter and grandfather health issues. It was working for us though!! We started another class in Sept 07 and attended each class and graduated! We are quickly climbing out of debt and it feels great!! There is another FPU starting now and we plan to go back to some classes for a refresher also! We love it that much!
When you sign up for the class you get a box of materials. On our box (old version, new one out this year!) it said the average family will eliminate $5,300 in debt AND save $2,700. I had a very, very hard time believing that. To my surprise, It was true for us!!!
Going by Dave's plan has just been HUGE for us!! We love Dave Ramsey!! He has totally changed our lives and our family! I have nothing but good things to say about his plan. Your money problems will honestly get better if you follow his steps!! www.daveramsey.com
Please, Please, Please check it out for yourself! It is Life Changing!! It does help the marriage too, and everything else for that matter! All of you reading this probably think I'm a crazy lady, I'm not. I have experienced what following Dave's plan can do!! And soon, I'll be debt free!
Good Luck to you E., and all others looking into Dave Ramsey! Email me if anyone wants more info!
L.

My husband felt the same way until I showed him the budget in detail so he could see exactly how much was going where. It was a real eye opener for him.

My husband and I put all our money in the same account. So we don't have this exact problem, but I do know a bunch of people who have seperate accounts. I have seen some similar responses, but I think you should save your receipts from grocery shopping and daycare and show him a monthly total, you could take a couple months average on the groceries if needed. Then take a look at his bills and what that total is. I guess I don't know if one of you makes more than the other, but if so, maybe you could devide the bills/shopping/daycare in a manner that more matches the income you each take in. Maybe it will turn out that you are putting in more $ to daycare and groceries than he is bills.

You both will at least be able to actually see how much you are taking in on a biweekly or monthly basis and how much is going out for the necessities. If you only make enought to pay the groceries and the daycare, if he can see the actual numbers with what's going out vs what's coming in, maybe he'l get more of an understanding.

Dave Ramsey!!!! thats all you need to know! I know that it may be hard for men to admit that they need help in any area but it sounds like you guys are already on your way to see someone about that, so that is wonderful. I recently asked my husband to take over all the finances in the household and he declined. Then I advised him that if wants to complain about where the money is going then he needs to be more aware of what things cost and what bills are due, etc. He knows now that if he complains about the checking account being low that he had better not take his frustrations out on me because he will get the platter handed to him !!

My husband and I struggle with this as well. When we were talking about finances prior to getting married, we decided on one checking account. That never happened, we each have our own. When things are really tight and we are more or less broke, is when my husband gets really stressed out and we end up arguing over money. I let my husband take over the bills so he could see where the money was going and we still argue. I don't know the answer to this, but I do know that research has been done and a lot of marriages don't survive because of this exact issue. MONEY

Hi E.,
Yes, I think we all have had that trouble from time to time. The best advice I can offer is....Find a Financial Peace University course (by Dave Ramsey). We took this 8 wks. ago & it has not only helped our $ situation but our marriage too. If you want I can give you more info. Good luck.

To make a LONG story short. I know what your going through. I had the same problem w/ my exfiance. All he did was spend his WHOLE paycheck on alcohol, liqour, cigg. and God knows what else. Not to mention he lost one of his 2 jobs he had. Because we were in the process of buying a mobile home. And he expected my paycheck to cover EVERYTHING (rent,etc.). GOOD LUCK!! IF you need someone to talk to. Please feel free to leave me a private message.

C.

Give your husband an amount of CASH to go grocery shopping. Give him the detailed listed of things he MUST buy that is needed for the house. Maybe if he did the shopping he might understand that food isn't all that cheap.

We almost NEVER argue about money, and here's why.

We have all of our money go into one checking account, and if either of us wants to spend over $50 on anything, we have to discuss it together. So, my expensive shoes or handbags, a new coat for the kids, my hubby's hockey sticks...all over $50. We discuss the affordability, neccessity and desire for the item, etc. That way, we as a couple decide together and are in agreement either for or against the purchase.

Some items up for question raise more of a discussion than others, but it's BOTH or our money, even before it goes to the bank, and we BOTH get to decide what WE buy. Some conversations are a simple phone call. "Hey honey, i'm at macy's and there's this handbag I really want and it's on sale for $60. Do you mind if I splurge?" And we talk about bills coming up, expenditures, etc...and decide together. For me, I do most of the bills, so it's easier for me to know when I can afford something or not, so I just have to make the courtesy call for appearances, but I know most times, he'll agree...even if I'm buying yet ANOTHER handbag. Sometimes, having this rule forses me to really consider what I'm purchasing and in alot of cases, putting it back on the shelf.

We figure, $50 is alot...and if both of us spend $50 in one day, that can add up fast. All the rest of our money is community property and bills, etc get paid first, end of story! This is what we do, and it's worked for 10 years. :)

be honest.
start saving the receipts for the things you buy and give him a visual of where the money goes...do you pay ALL of the day care, ALL of the groceries...it adds up very very quickly...

my boss tells me (after hearing a complaint similar to this one) men don't actually think about the grocery store...they think it appears in your home from some mysterious place above and that is that...they don't consider the time it takes to go, or the cost of even a gallon of milk...they just eat...

I find it rather comical, her response, but on some level it is true...

share the bills, do everything 50/50 if you have to, it is a partnership, not a roommate situation, try to keep a level head and not get so frustrated when he is quizzing you about money...I would feel entitled to quiz him about why he has so much and I never have any....that hardly would seem fair...

Hi E.
My husband and I have also struggled with financial situations and it came to the point were he thought that I was spending to much money, even though it was going for bills, and necessary household items so what I did was as much as I hated to give up control of the checkbook and bills for a good 6 months and let him deal with it. After a few months he realized where most of the money was going and why some of the bills had to be put off for the next month. Now with 3 kids and not much time for other things he realizes that I just do the best I can and it is open ended that he can take over the bills anytime that he wants.
Good Luck

Communication is key. But also, I agree with having a detailed budget. In the beginning, this just means a simple spreadsheet with line items to track where everything goes. This will be helpful for your husband to see where everything currently goes. Once you have a month or two of that filled in, you can decide where you can cut (entertainment, the cable bill, etc.) and where you can't (heat, electricity). We're faithful to the spreadsheet, and it's scary to see how the cost of living has increased.

Hi E.:
I strongly believe this a common issue a lot of us women face. I found myself hiding expenses and generally avoiding any talk about money with my husband because I knew it was going to start a fight I just didn't feel like having. If I told him about an issue or extra expense we ended up fighting or if I didn't tell him and he found out later we ended up in a fight. I constantly found myself in a lose/lose situation.
My husband had no clue how much anything costed and when he looked at the bills he would freak out. He could not believe that I would spend $500 a month on groceries for three adults and one toddler. I made him come with us on one of our grocery shopping trips and he finally got it that buying food isn't as cheap as he thought.
Besides having your husband come with you every once in a while to get an idea of how much stuff costs you can start using an accounting tool like Microsoft Money or some other program that can help if you can afford it and have the time to enter all your transactions. (We tried this and failed because we didn't have the time to enter all of our receipts everyday.)
A tool that I started to use instead was a basic excel spreadsheet that lists the expenses for the household. I list the expense type in the 1st column, the balance due for things like our credit cards/mortgage/doctor bills in the 2nd, amount paid in the 3rd, and date and payment type in the 4th column. I have a separate tab/page that breaks down the expenses in sections: normal monthly costs (mortgage, car payments, credit cards, daycare, etc.); general expenses (gas, groceries, diapers, cleaning supplies, etc.); and extra expenses (paying off doctor bills; insurance payments, and any other misc. expense). I also list the amounts that have been deposited into the account. At the end of each month I give him the print out and he then questions any thing he thinks is odd. If you would like I could email you the template I use if your interested just let me know and I can send it to you.
Overall I have found that my husband wants to be included in the money distribution process, but doesn't want to actually pay the bills himself. He wants to understand how much money is coming in and going out without actually having to do anything. I believe that as a man he believes that he should be in charge of the finances, but instead his wife handles it and feels guilty about it. This being said I think this is his way of feeling in control of the money.
We still fight occasionally about different expenses, but I have found that this has helped us minimize the arguments.
Good luck.