Anyone Else Have This Problem? - King George,VA

What if you bought some gently worn clothes from a thrift store? Or shop the clearance racks and only buy things that are on really good sales?

Girl, get rid of the hobo gear...and get yourself stylin'....because you're worth it:)

Start dressing your beautiful body:) If you can't do it for you...do it for your hubby...or your kids. You have to make a conscientious effort to change your look. Look in magazines for ideas on how to make yourself over. You do not have to go to high end department stores or fancy salons either. It takes creativity, not big bucks, to look you best. And, the best part? It can be fun! The best way is to start with wardrobe in my opinion, is to shop at discount stores, clearance racks or resale shops. The key about style....Style is about what looks good on you...not what your eyes think look good. I LOVE to buy myself new things, but I also don't like spending much either. I love to smell good too and I love to get my hair done (coupons, coupons). Don't get me wrong, my kids don't suffer either, but everyone in the family should look their best. When my kids compliment me, it makes me feel good. It's not a waste of money when you're investing in yourself--you can look good and be frugal too. I'm always looking for bargains and using coupons--it's amazing how much you can save. I NEVER pay full price for anything and most of my clothes I buy at discount stores. If it looks good on me, it's mine. I look at it as an investment in both my mental and physical well being. If I look and feel good about myself, I am more positive, I have more energy and I'm a better wife and mother because of it.

M

I totally understand how you feel, I used to do the same thing! But think of it this way: you're doing it for your family. You're part of the family, so take care of that family. Looking good (not flashy, just clean and tidy and well put together) reflects on your whole family, not just yourself. The last thing you want is for your kids to start looking at you and comparing you to their friends' mommies and feeling embarrassed because you have holey jeans. And no matter how unmaterialistic (is that even a word?) you raise your kids to be, at some point, they're going to notice that mommy looks a bit slobby. Obviously, don't go overboard. But if you need new jeans, get them, just don't get the $200 pair. If you need a haircut, get one, but not a $200 cut from a celebrity stylist. There are ways to look great on a budget. Next time you're at the drugstore, tell yourself: "There are women who spend $100 on facial moisturizer. I'M only spending $8.49!" Then go ahead and buy that moisturizer! My favorite pair of jeans cost me $29.00 at Target, I LOVE them. They're so much more comfortable and look a lot better than the $89 pair I once bought at the Gap (big mistake, should've just returned them). You work hard to maintain your family, so why would you drop the ball on yourself, one of the most important components? It's part of your "job" to take care of yourself. So go do your job, and try to have a bit of fun doing it! \(^_^)/

Do you think it would help if you were to shop clearance/find good deals/etc? I have a very similar mindset to yours and I often feel like I have a closet full of clothes so why buy more just b/c they aren't the latest fashion? While I am certainly no fashionista I did finally come to the realization that I was unhappy about my clothes and that just a few things would make a huge difference so I have slowly been adding to my wardrobe when I find a great deal (just recently bought a $45 shirt for $8). Something else worth thinking about - you are sending the message that, while your family is worth spending $ on, you are not. You certainly don't want your children to think that way (do you have a son? - do you want him to grow up expecting his wife to wear rags?). Also, while your children may be immaculately dressed, they will eventually imitate you. I know you don't want your children to grow up not caring about their appearance (which could bleed over into poor hygiene). And, lastly, I'm sure it would do a world of good for your self esteem and marriage, if you looked like a million bucks once in a while! If you can't do it for you, then do it b/c your husband and children want a wife/mother they can be proud of - not someone they don't want to admit they know in public. Remember, frugality is important but living is more so!

I think a lot of moms are like that, especially if you've struggled financially. I have to find a really really really good deal in order to spend money on myself. I don't work, so I don't feel like I'm entitled to spend money on luxuries for myself. I recently bought two pairs of jeans (that I desperately needed) and I felt guilty for a long time.
I started doing a lot of internet shopping for deals, coupons, etc. I mean, we all want to look nice. If your clothes have holes in them, it's time to buy new. I'm not saying that you need to go and spend thousands of dollars on yourself, but maybe $100. Start small! If you need a pair of jeans, go shopping for one pair of jeans. Set a limit that you feel comfortable that is realistic for the item you're looking for. So, if you need jeans don't expect to spend $10. I don't mind spending a little extra on nice things for me (clothes wise) because I know I'm going to get my money's worth of wear out of them. I'm going to take care of them so they don't get ruined. Once I put on that new pair of jeans that fit nicely and I started getting positive reactions from my husband, I was willing to go out and spend a little more money ;) The new clothes made me feel better about myself. That attitude translated into me being happier.
Chances are if your clothes are old and have holes, you're not exactly projecting self-confidence. You don't want your kids to think that you aren't worthy of nice things. So, start small. Go buy a new shirt. If you can't bring yourself to spend the actual money, talk to your husband. Tell him that you need to purchase some new clothes. come up with an acceptable amount and have him buy you gift cards. Get the paper and look at the sale fliers, Have fun!!! Get something new! You deserve it!

D.:

You are such a wonderful W.!! I've read your great advice to others. Now you need to take that advice for yourself!!! If you had read this from someone else - what would you tell them?

VALUE YOURSELF - it's OKAY to spend money on you. I know that goes against your grain - but VALUE YOURSELF. You bring sooo much to the family and to others!!

I wish we didn't live so far apart - we could go get a manicure or pedicure together. Start small - like getting a mani pr pedi - maybe even a new bra and underwear set. Make a pledge to yourself to buy yourself something new once a month - it doesn't have to be extravagant - but a new pair of shorts for the summer. YOU DESERVE IT!!!

I don't think it's a hold-over from your military days. I don't think you value yourself enough to spend on you - you are NOT a waste of money!!

YOU ROCK!!!!

Take time for you - start out snall

I know I have similar issues. As a mother, its our responsibility to care and nuture others, and always put ourselves last.

And yes, I'm sure a lot of this has to do with struggling financially in the past. You never want to be in that position again. When I was growing up there were always financial problems, so I decided that as an adult I didn't want to live that lifestyle, and as a result I'm very practical and frugal.

It's one thing to spend money on things you may concider frivilous (like dinner out, getting nails done), but quite another thing to spend money on your needs (like clothing). Buying reasonably priced clothing is not a waste.

You could try by setting reasonable goals for yourself. Like I'm going to buy 2 pairs of jeans and I will not spend over $50. Shop in a store that only sells women's clothing, that way you won't be tempted to buy something for the kids or hubby.

You deserve some new clothes for all the hard work you do taking care of your family. You can do it. Have some fun shopping. Take a friend with you, who can help you splurg a little.

ummm the pro.. you save money and because of it, hopefully don't have a lot of debt like some people do... the con... I would ask if it's not necessarily about your not wanting to spend money as it is about perhaps taking care of oneself and having pride and why that is hard for you?

I say this because you don't have to spend a ton of money to look nice. you can if you like go to a thrift shop.... and often find some nice clothes.. as many people donate tons of stuff. Most people I have known who don't put much effort into their appearance (and I am not talking about doing yourself up with makeup and all that junk) but basic things.... ) usually have been suffering from depression (even if mild) and often having kids around, while it gets the focus off of a parent, it also detracts from the problem.. so I ask.. how are you feeling and do you think you have some low self-esteem issues?
I am not suggesting you do. but I am suggesting perhaps you ask yourself some vital questions... sounds to me like you want to figure this all out hence... your question here on the board. I think if you delve a little deeper , you might find the answers are right there...

Again, you needn't spend a ton of money of clothing... many consignment and thrift shops around these days.

Perhaps, instead of seeing it as spending money on yourself, it would be easier if you realize that, by freshening yourself up and taking more care/pride in your appearance, you are actually spending money on your husband... I'm sure once upon a time the woman he met didn't wear holes in her jeans or old ratty underwear... I'm sure that the woman that wow'ed him didn't wear stained t-shirts everyday... I'd bet that girl got her hair styled now and then too. I'm sure your husband loves you no matter what you wear, but most men like it when their sweetie tries to look their best for them... I remember once that my husband made a comment about a shirt that he thought needed to be tossed; he said, "I don't want people to think that I can't afford to buy you new clothes when you need them". To him, it was personnally embarrassing and cast him in an uncomfortable light. (Of course, he had very a meager childhood and perhaps he was a bit more sensitive than necessary, but I think the gist of his statement is still valid.)

Hi there,

I think it seems normal to me, because my mom was also this way. She never bought anything for herself, and always delighted in getting things for us. She would wear my dad's old sweaters and hand-me-downs, and give and give and give to the family... but my mom sacrificed everything of herself, including her life (she passed away at an early age this year, in part because she put her health second to ours and second to caring for the family). We are heartbroken, and left with all the questions of "what if?" My mom did what came naturally to her, but I personally would have preferred that she cared more for herself when she was alive...

I think the best thing you can do as a mommy is to spend some time on yourself, and this might include spending a bit of money here and there. Nothing extravagant, because I think that has the potential to be worse than buying nothing, but maybe a pedicure here and there, a new haircut, some new sandals, etc. As a mommy, you deserve it! And your kids deserve to have a mom who dresses in things without holes and looks her best for them. They will be proud of you when you take good care of yourself. You don't have to be selfish and place your needs above theirs at all times, but do care for yourself and love yourself, and that love will also translate into MORE LOVE for your children and family, too.

Best wishes.

So- don't spend it on "yourself" - spend it on your husband. Remember the way you want him to feel when he comes home from work - "Look at this gorgeous woman I married - gosh I love her!". Never forget the time I said to my husband as we ran to the store together "I feel like I look a little messy" and he replied - "You just look like a tired mommy." Now, do you think THAT is what he wants to take to the store? NOPE!

Remember, men are visual creatures. You want to keep that spark in your marriage? Do you want him to be proud of his beautfiul wife when he runs into friends/coworkers when the two of you are out and about with your children. It is YOUR job to make sure when your husband walks in the house in the evening, or when you walk out the door with you, that you look like the woman he wants to be with.

If you look run down, people assume you are, even when you have a ton of energy and verve. Even your husband - I found that out the hard way!

So yes, you will feel better about yourself if you pep yourself up, take care of yourself. If you can afford it, consider a pedicure a public service - go to the make up counter at a fancy department store - take 30 minutes and get pampered. Buy the one or two products that you think are the most important - go buy the rest at CVS/Walgreens -at least you know what looks best on you and how to apply it. Throw out anything with holes in it, except for 1 or 2 pieces for yardwork, give away anything to charity that isn't fitting or just a little out of date. Buy yourself a few great dresses you can slip on for being out and about with hubby, and just some really cute tees and shorts from Target for daytime wear.

If you can't do it for yourself, consider that it is what your husband and children deserve, a woman who takes care of herself, who they are proud to run into friends with, and can't wait to come home to!

Hi D.,

I truly understand being on a tight budget but, I feel like us being mothers should treat our self every once in while. I find myself buying more for my son but, I still make sure that I at least buy myself a couple shirts a month or a couple pairs of pants. It don't have to be anything expensive. Walmart, Target and some other stores have great bargains on clothing that is inexpensive and look nice as well. :) Also, treat your self to a manicure and pedicure sometimes. It won't get to expensive if its something that you do once every few months. I feel every mom deserve to be pampered every once in a while. We deserve it! :)

my suggestion would be have your hubby go somewhere that you like clothes from and that doesnt sell kids clothes and buy you an amount of clothes ( who cares what he picks out) and get a gift receipt..then you return the things he bought cuz you cant get money only store credit, then you reshop?

I hear ya... i too use to feel the same way. I would spend tons of money on my kids and husband but I never could spend it on my self. I kept saying to myself that the money needed to go to someone else or to something else. I had discovered that i felt that i was less important than the rest of my family. I was at home cleaning, taking care of kids, working outside so why do i need new clothes? I would get mad at myself when i was going out to dinner with my husband , because i never could find anything decent to wear. I would fuss and say i need new clothes, would go to the store to buy new clothes but when it came down to it, i wouldnt do it. It seems like i woke up one morning and said, darn it, im just as important as the rest of this family. I deserve, new things every now and then too. I had to convince myself that i was. I bought some new makeup, and boy did that make me feel good. A week later, i bougtht a new outfit. i felt even better. A few days later, new shoes, then another outfit. My self convidence went up alot each time i bought myself something. Now, i dont have a problem with it. If i run out of mascara, im going to buy it. We women have to feel good and be happy in order to help our family be happy.

I am like this too. we went to a used book sale that i really wanted to go to, I had a whole list of books i was going to look for for myself.i didn't even look at the adult section instead i spent $20 on the kids. I figure oh, i'll just go to the library.
And haircuts! I cut my own bangs and just let the rest grow, except for like once a year, i'll treat myself to a $12 special at famous hair. because, hey it seems like a waste.
part of my problem is some self esteem issues i guess, and not wanting to draw attention to myself and I don't know where to go to find tasteful clothing that fit right and doesn't make me look like a 70-year old.
I think if you get in a pattern of thinking that you have to be tight with money like you were saying about your military days, then it'shard to change that even when times are ok. I am not sure if my household is doing ok or not right now, I went back to work to help out but my husband's spending seems to negate what i'm bringing in, but he has always handled the finances and since he is self employed he doesn't havea set paycheck so it' hard for me to tell. TIM sorry, it seems like hubby is trying to help you maybe if you can see that the rest of your needs are being met finacially you can relax and spend some on you.
Are there any girls you can shop with?
I tried this once but it didnt' work for me because we didn't have these stores and i wasn't into internet ordering but Missusmartypants.com i think it is will show you outfits for your body type, if that isn't the website, go to flylady.net and search around for her friends there is a small fee and you can pick how long you get the emails, but it was super cool to see the makeovers of all different body types and all different ages.
sorry not much help, but you aren't alone,

Write out a a budget with your husband. A budget is a spending plan. Then when you see X amount in the clothing area you won't be afraid to spend the funds in that area. Budgets help spenders and tight wads to stay on track. AF

I am the same way- I don't spend money on myself. period. I DO spend money on the things you listed above as well- sounds exactly like me.

You DO need to spend money on yourself, though (I know, I'm being a hypocrite). One thing I found worked for me in the past is my husband would give me money/gift certificates, and told me I HAD to spend it on myself. I know it sounds silly, but it works!

It's a common "mom" thing.

I am EXACTLY like you!!! Buying for our children - NO PROBLEM, buying for hubby - with ease, other people - such a joy, for myself - uh... no can do. I especially cannot buy things, especially clothes, when I see the outrageous prices and how little I get for the HUGE amount I pay. My husband wants me to dress nicely and like a lady so I finally had to force myself to buy something for myself. I still cannot spend outrageous prices for clothing, or anything else, so I have found that buying at second hand stores to be much more doable with the way my brain is wired. If I MUST spend money on myself I would much rather spend as little as I can and not spend it on new items. I have found some wonderful clothing items at second hand stores and then I don't feel so guilty about spending on myself. If I MUST buy something new then I spend it at cheaper stores like Ross or Kohls. I have also found that if I set out to buy X amount of pants/shirts or to spend X amount of money (usually small quantities of clothing or small amounts of money) and I tell myself I WILL stick to my plan... I am usually okay. I usually only do this every few months so it doesn't become so overwhelming to my brain. Always pick a small amount or you won't be able to accomplish your task.