Any Parenting Fails?

For me, a commitment is a commitment. You go no matter what. Grumpy. Too bad. Like I say suck it up buttercup there are others depending on you. Only excuse us fever, or GI bug. That's just how we work here.

Recitals are mainly advertisements for the teacher, not opportunities for the students. If a kid doesn't want to perform in public, but just likes to play for his/her own enjoyment, so be it.
I don't see that as a parenting fail.

As the music teacher, I want to thank you for recognizing this as a weak parenting moment (your words, not mine).

Your first statement told the story...."Everyone was grumpy and I was afraid..."

To skip the recital does effect the other students, and it communicates to your children the lack of importance of practice, preparation, respect, and follow through. It hurts the teacher, too. She has worked hard, prepared, and sacrificed.

Before someone lables me a harsh judge or a meanie, I will also add that we all have weak moments. Parents, teachers, and students. What is important is that we learn from them, apologize for them if necessary, and grow.

It was a weak moment. In my opinion a bad decision. But it's also an opportunity for your family to grow, an opportunity for you to communicate with the teacher, etc. Good can come from it.

While the music teacher in me is hurt by the thought of students skipping the biggest day of my year, the parent in me is saying that if this is your biggest fail, you must be doing pretty well.

Edit : what Fuzzy said is absolutely untrue. There are tremendous educational reasons for having students perform in a recital. They are hard work for the teacher. What an insult to a good, devoted teacher to say they are merely advertisrments!

When you titled this 'parenting fail' and I read the 1st line, I thought you were going to say you forgot to take them to the recital. That would be a parent fail (and one that I did just last week, when I completely forgot my son's baseball game, so he no-showed, no heads-up to the coach and for no good reason).

You made a totally appropriate adjustment of your priorities, and made sure the teacher knew so that no one was waiting on you. That is responsible parenting, IMO.

Hope you feel better soon.

I wouldn't have called this a fail. I think you need to remind yourself of all the good parenting moments you have :)

Last week at my house I saw a piano book fly because someone had a recital coming up, didn't like the piece, felt they hadn't prepared enough and piano was "stupid". Like yours, mine has not enjoyed the pieces this year and so I had a chat with the teacher and we decided next year to stop the formal training and just stick to fun pieces he enjoys. Because this kid has some anxiety, it's more important he play for fun than have the added stress.

For the mom who missed the break in the finger - that happened to me. Three doctors. So even with getting checked out, broken fingers can still be missed! So don't be too hard on yourself.

Having kids with anxiety is really hard. My first is laid back and cool as a cucumber. I had no idea what anxiety was like in kids. The first time I dealt with it was when my child had a panic attack over wearing a Halloween costume. Something to do with the mask. I had no idea what was wrong. Pretty sure I was like "I spent $xx on this mask and you're going to wear it!". Sigh.

I suggest this is not a weak parenting moment. You have good reasons for that decision. Recitals are helpful for learning but are not so important that a mom sacrifice herself to get their girls there.

I also suggest, because the girls have been resisting, that dealing with this earlier would have been an easier decision. If your daughter's do not want to prepare for recitals they need to consider how important lessons are for them. If the lessons are not important then stop them. If they want to learn the instrument bUT don't want to be in recitals, arrange for lessons only.

I suggest that anything that is optional causes this much difficulty that opting out is a good choice. You want them to learn persistence and doing what they agreed to do. Choosing reasons to opt out is also a learning experience.

New Granny G, a white lie is giving a reason that is not the truth and instead giving a reason that one thinks is easier for the other person to accept. For example, this mom could've said that they are all sick.

Meh..
I don't think that recitals are the end all, be all, of playing piano. I mean, really... who cares? The only issue with it I would have is that you committed to do it. (or rather, your kids did)
There are probably pre-printed programs that list your kids and their pieces.

Next time, don't agree to the recital. If the teacher (that you are paying to teach your kids) requires it, then tell her/him no. Or find another teacher if they refuse to accept that your kids won't participate and take it out on your kids during lessons.

As for performance anxiety, ppshhh... we all have a little of that. Practicing (actually performing in front of people) usually helps most people. But not everyone. But here's the thing. It doesn't have to be performing piano in front of people. ANY type of performance can help a person lose some of the anxiety. My kids did martial arts for years. Every quarter their belt promotion was done (performance) in front of a crowd of people (multiple instructors from other schools and all the parents there, plus all the students also testing for other ranks, etc). My daughter never acted nervous, but always had to pee right before. She knew this about herself... that she didn't even really need to pee, but that she would feel like she did just before her test.

She also took piano lessons and was in a few recitals (but not every year). She played at church weekly as our small mission church's pianist for a few years. Recitals were no big thing for her. She played piano for the school's talent show. No big deal. She had plenty of practice paying in front of people. I will say that the times she's did not get to choose her own music, or have input into it (she dislikes slow music, and prefers faster pieces) she complained the most.

But, you know what, you're sick. You have a rash (are you contagious?). Your kid is worried about a final exam. Your husband can't work it in without compromising his work responsibilities. THIS time, it just doesn't work for your family. That's how it goes sometimes. Cut yourself some slack. Simply be sure you talk to your kids about how this isn't the appropriate thing to do ANY old time you simply "don't want to bother" doing something. Let it be a learning lesson for all of you. With your kiddo with the exam, have them check their schedules in advance before committing to things. Maybe they didn't know what day their final exam would be, but if they do in the future, they should avoid committing to activities the night before, perhaps. This is the kind of learning that can really impact them going forward when it comes to being organized.

Don't fret. You are not awful.
I hope your rash clears up. Cheers!
__ETA:
Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents on the music lessons vs recitals... If your kids enjoy the lessons and playing piano, but just don't want to do recitals... so be it. I don't think recitals are necessary. Sure, there are things to be gained from doing them. However, not doing them doesn't negate all the other good they gain from learning and practicing an instrument (whether it's piano or something else). Let them just enjoy it, if that's what they want. I agree with another commenter who said that today's world doesn't seem to value doing things just because you enjoy them anymore. And that's sad. Kids don't learn anything "to learn" anymore. Even music. They learn everything TO BE TESTED ON IT. That's how a recital probably feels to kids, too. Like a test. For heaven's sakes, there is nothing wrong with learning something because you enjoy it, and nothing wrong with NOT wanting to put it on display. Anxiety or not.

It doesn't sound to me as though you failed. Seems more like you prioritized and made sure your family wasn't too stressed.

I imagine the teacher was disappointed, and had to scramble a bit to rearrange the program, but a recital is a series of performances, and often, one of the performances has to be cut from the program for one reason or another.

Anxiety, stress over school, business trips and illness? Yeah, those trump recital performances.

However, now is a good time to evaluate. Perhaps you can help your kids deal with the anxiety and stress they experience. Eliminate the non-essential stress triggers, find coping techniques, whether they're physical activity, counseling, relaxation breathing, etc.

You haven't failed. You took care of your family, in my opinion.

I agree with Patty K, I think it is important for my kids to learn that we follow through with our commitments. If playing in public does not interest them then I don't make them commit to it, but once they have made that promise it is important to follow through. It is the same for sports, once they commit to a team they must make the games and practices because they have committed to other people.

But I did recently have a parent fail. My son came home from school with a hurt finger, he said he thought it was broken. I asked if the nurse looked at it and he said she had, and that she had given him an ice pack and sent him back to class. Assuming the nurse knew what she was doing I told him I was sure it was fine. A little over a week later he said it still hurt and looked very crooked so I took another look and it was definitely bent at a weird angel. X-rays showed it was broken, but since we waited it had already begun to heal so there was nothing they could do. He will now forever have a crooked finger. He is rather upset with me and has confirmed I will not be getting mother of the year this year, lol.

This is only a "weak parenting moment" if you judge yourself by other people's expectations. Sounds like too much was going on, with work/health/recital anxiety. Year-end is tough with all kinds of events and performances and demands. And if you throw Benadryl on top of it, it's natural to just want to hunker down and close the shades!

If skipping a recital impacts all the other performers, then your kid should have participated. But it doesn't sound like that is what happened. So figure out whether your child enjoys music lessons but not the performance part, and make adjustments for next year. Performing in a group is often easier than a solo or small trio, and I agree it can get easier the more one does it. But some kids never get to that point.

I think it's only a "fail" if you bail out and do something else that tells the kids it's okay to cancel if you have a "better offer" like a beach day or an amusement park. But teaching them not to overcommit, to make choices, and to take care of themselves - that's fine. As the flight attendants say, and what should be the Mom Credo, "put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before assisting those around you."

Why do you see this as a 'fail'? We all make decisions good and bad then we move on. Why is this a bad decision? You are sick, your hubby had work to do, the older child has an upcoming test to study for.. the only one is the younger child who doesn't like her pieces. Having to carry on even though we are not happy with the task is life. We all have tasks we don't like. I hate cleaning out the fridge but I do it.
Time to take a deep breath and look at the whole picture. You took care of you and your family and made the best decision at the time.

L.: you had very real priorities for your kids. It's not like you let them slide on everything, right? I wouldn't feel bad about it. I think others have given you advice about what sort of level of commitment your kids want to give this in the future. Performing is not for everyone and learning to do something purely for ones own pleasure is not appreciated enough in this world, in my opinion.

AK Mom: don't feel bad! I broke my middle finger in the Navy and the doctor didn't find the fracture-- it was a medic who found it a couple days later when he rechecked my x-ray. Yes, my finger is slightly crooked but I can still flip the bird if I need to, ha ha. ;)

We all make mistakes. My worst one is not completely taking my kid at face value when he gave me some information. It was the sort of complaint about a SPED teacher that wasn't exactly damning, but the kind most kids might make about any teacher. Turns out, she was a grumpy witch after all. (Someone on staff confirmed this to me waaaayy after the fact.) I apologized to him for thinking he'd been exaggerating and told him that I should have listened to him better. It was just one drop in the bucket of reasons we decided to homeschool, but it angered me that I worked hard to get him qualified for help, only to discover that she was far less than helpful in how he perceived himself as a learner. It's taken a while to undo that, but I do regret subjecting him to someone so dour and unfriendly.

You do what you have to do for your family. Per your post, you have a pretty full plate.

There is not a parent alive or dead who has not felt like they had a fail at some point or another.

Take care of yourself and your family.

Also... "White lie". Who on earth has never heard that term? Gees.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Learn from it. This school year is about over. Speak with your children about whether they want to continue with music and what it means to them. If they want to participate in the recitals. They are going to have to put their best foot forward and be all smiles and perform. Otherwise there are no more music classes and they can pick it up again when they are older.

Commitments must be honored and this is the time that we learn how to do so so that we are good friends, employees, club members or whatever and do not let others down.

Next year try not to schedule so much for the end of the year that the stress level is so high. I am sorry about your body rash but it could have been caused by stress.

the other S.

You had more reasons not to participate than you had to participate. The recital is for your kids benefit, and it doesn't hurt the teacher or other students if they don't perform. It would have been better to back out before the programs were printed, but stuff happens. It would have been different if it had been a group performance where the other students were depending on your kids to do their parts. My kids have has to miss recitals due to scheduling conflicts, and I know there were students missing from the last recital. As far as I am concerned, the shorter the recital the better (and I love music!).

Sometimes you have to just say enough. The only time I would say you messed up here is if it impacted other students, but it doesn't sound like it did.

And Benadryl makes me sleepy as all get out. I can't take it and be good for anything or anyone!

I think you showed your girls that you sometimes have to look at the priorities. I believe you made the right decission. Don't feel guilty. In fact your rash might disappear after you let go the pressure you feel about this whole ordeal.

This is not a big deal. You don't have to be perfect, and your kids can flake out occasionally, without the world coming to an end. Obviously this is not a common occurrence for you or your kids. Don't beat yourself up over this.

I wouldn't go any where with a body rash and Benadryl knocks me out! Give yourself a break!

What is a white lie?

You did what was right for your family. I only wish I'd done that years ago when our son had a kindergarten performance. He did NOT want to go and he ended up being the one kid out of about 100 who stood up there not singing or dancing. He truly meant he wasn't going to perform no matter what. Had to sit there listening to other parents comment about our son's bad behavior. Wish we were wiser and had backed out of it.

If it felt right for your family at the time, it wasn't a fail. It was a sanity check.

It's hard to deal with unhappy preteens. I know. My daughter is mad at me most of the time because I sign her up for "things" as she calls them. If I didn't sign her up for "things" she would do nothing but play on her ipad. She played basketball back in the winter and hated it. I had much attitude during the whole process. It sounds like your kids like performing but not what they are performing so that's a plus. Taking them out shouldn't be a problem as long as it doesn't cause a problem for the teacher.

As for your rash, my daughter had a rash like you're describing in the spring. The doctor prescribed a zpac and it cleared up in a couple of weeks. I had the same rash about 8 years ago and my doctor told me it had to run its course and it took 8 weeks to clear up in the hot summer. If you haven't already ask your doctor if they can give you something for it. Calamine lotion is good to use as well. Good luck!!