Hi, this isn't really a mom related question, other than how I feel at work affects me as a person and mother, and I want to figure out the best course of action for myself and my family.
I am a new nurse, just finishing up my first year after graduation at the hospital I work for. It's a great hospital, with great benefits and pay. I love what I do. I worked really hard to get to this point, but I honestly don't know if I even want to do it anymore. The only issue I'm having is with some of the other nurses, and it's making my work life almost unbearable-which of course affects me as an entire person, including my home life.
I went into nursing after deciding I wanted a better life for myself and my daughter. To make a long, long story short, I have a history of being in abusive relationships and being dependent on men to take care of me. Going into nursing was my way to become independent and self sustaining and to get away from that life of being dependent on men (or anyone else, for that matter). I've always wanted to be in healthcare, helping people since I was a little girl, and I did feel that it was a calling from a God when I finally made the choice to apply to nursing school. It really seemed like what I was meant to do, but after my first year, I really don't know anymore.
I'm in my 30s, and the nurse who precepted me was in her 20s. I don't know if maybe it's an age gap problem, or something else. She was very impatient and rude and short and critical of me, the entire time. She told everyone I was an idiot when I wasn't around, including my manager. I didn't say anything or complain, because I didn't want to make any waves with it being so early on in my first ever nursing job that I worked so hard to get. I figured I would just get through orientation and then everything would be fine.
Eventually, my manager caught on that we were not a good match, and I explained to her why I hadn't said anything sooner. One day when that preceptor called off work, I was paired with her close friend, also in her early 20s, who is an excellent nurse, but clearly already didn't like me. I thought the day went well. I caught a patient declining and got that patient transferred to the ICU, and thought that was a job well done. However, my manager called me into the office the next day and said that that preceptor also complained, saying the friend of my normal preceptor had some serious concerns about me as a nurse, but didn't give me any specifics.
I finally got two new preceptors (one was part time so o had to have two) and they were excellent. I had a great learning experience with them both. Both of them raved about me to my manager and both said they couldn't understand why the other two girls were saying the things they were saying about me.
Orientation ended and I was finally on my own. I thought that would be the end of it with the other girls, but it was only the beginning. Of course as a new nurse, on a busy and difficult floor, there were things here and there that I needed help with. There were moments that could have been simply used as teaching moments, but were instead reported to my manager. Most of the other nurses on the floor were encouraging and helpful and told me I was doing a great job and understood that we all make mistakes, especially as new nurses. None of my mistakes were life threatening or major safety issues. They all kept saying to just keep my head up and told me those other girls must have forgotten they were new nurses once too. One nurse even told me a story about how the nurse who has been the most critical of me gave a patient an IM injection of NS when she was a new nurse (something that seems really, really stupid to me, that I would never and have never come close to doing anything along the lines of).
In addition to my trivial mistakes, there were many important things I did right. I caught a few med errors when residents prescribed certain meds incorrectly, I alerted the doctors to a patient's med that could have been causing the symptoms and they stopped the med and the patient got better, I caught a blood clot that everyone else ignored, I got a couple patients sent to ICU when they needed it.
I've never had anyone call me an idiot before. In nursing school one of the toughest professors wrote me a letter of recommendation and raved about my critical thinking abilities and assessment skills. I did so well in nursing school that people were convinced I must be cheating because of how easily it came to me. In school growing up, I was always known by my teachers and friends and family as one of the smart kids. But it just seems that no matter what I do, this clique of girls is determined to make me out to be a total idiot who shouldn't be a nurse at all.
Also, another nurse who started after me was taken under the wings of this clique. I watched them cover for her mistakes and show her how to cover her tracks. I heard them rave about her to everyone. I watched them guide her and help her along and teach her things that they never offered to help me with. And just the other day, this girl who hasn't even been there a year, who started after me was precepting a new nurse, while I'm still not even getting the "hard" patients since no one is sure if I'm an idiot or not with all the conflicting reports.
I'm miserable at work. It's hurtful to put that much effort and care into what I do, to know that my manager just doesn't know what to think of me yet because she can only go by what she hears. She's heard great things about me but she's also heard I'm a total idiot on countless occasions, while no one is saying a word about the other new girl who got taken under the wing of the clique.
My manager even acknowledged that there was a clique and that she was trying to break it up, but then recently promoted one of the girls into a position of power. I'm really just at my wits end. I feel that I'm not wanted. I feel that it would be easier if I just left. I've tried racking my brain to figure out what I possibly did wrong to make that girl hate me in the first place, since I know I'm not actually an idiot and I was nothing but nice to her, even when she was completely evil to me.
Is this just nursing? I just don't want to leave before I've finished a full year in one place, but I can hardly stand it anymore. I also am bummed that I have to put all the effort into updating my resume and applying and interviewing and all of that when all I wanted to do was be able to go to work and do my job and go home at the end of the day like everyone else.
Am I seen as weak since I never say anything? Is that why I'm a target? I don't know whether to make waves or just keep my head down. Or leave...but then how do I prevent this problem from happening in the future? This has been going on for almost a year now, and trying to be nice and keep my head down isn't working any wonders for me.
Advice appreciated.
First of all, Elena, thank you so much for sharing your story and thoughts. It did put tears in my eyes. Being able to be a part of helping people like you and your family are the reason I wanted to do this job. The days when I connect with my patients, share tears and laughs with them, and know that they appreciate my care are the days I live for. No one said nursing would be easy, but I didn't expect it to be this hard. It's extremely disheartening to me that the hardest part thus far about this job has been navigating around those co-workers who are always fault finding and looking to sabotage - I really don't understand why some people are that way. Nonetheless, you all have been so encouraging and I can't tell you how good that made me feel.
I spent yesterday updating my resume and I applied to a few other RN positions today, so hopefully I will find something else soon. Hopefully another floor will make all the difference, especially since I won't be going in as the new grad this time.
Thanks for all the encouragement and wise words. I will let you know what happens!
I'd start looking for a job in another office, floor, etc....something where you can do similar work but not near those girls.
Can I put in my two cents? I'm not a nurse. Never have taken a single course other than the town's Red Cross free CPR class.
However, I am the mother of a patient. My daughter has 5 or 6 major medical diagnoses and is medically disabled. She sees several specialists, and we have seen a LOT of nurses.
Having spent many, many hours in waiting rooms and in patient exam rooms, I've overheard nurse's conversations at times. Some have been heated. I've heard young nurses being corrected by senior nurses, sometimes rudely, sometimes helpfully. I've heard nurses ask each other how in the world they are supposed to make their way through the mountain of paperwork that is overdue. I've heard nurses get cursed out by patients who were in pain, or who were impatient, or who just were miserable and drunk. I've overheard nurses speak crossly to each other, and I've heard them speak encouraging words to each other too. I've heard doctors scream at nurses to work harder, work faster.
My best friend is a nurse and the shortages, the long hours, the demanding patients, the back-breaking work, the insurance forms, the overload of patients really take a toll on her. I can't begin to understand.
But, as I said, I'm the mother of a very complicated daughter. We've trembled in fear in ERs, we've sat and listened to specialists use very complicated terms to try to tell us what our daughter is suffering from. We've sat in disbelief, or utter confusion, after the doctor leaves, wondering what the hell we're supposed to do now, or what does this mean going forward? We've cried.
And then a nurse comes in. An overworked, over-burdened, exhausted, sore-feet and headache-y nurse who's been yelled at by both patients and supervisors. Yet, the nurse puts a smile on her face, and patiently and kindly tends to our daughter. The nurse puts the doctor's words into something we can understand, and tells us that there will be help. The nurse treats our daughter with compassion, and uses encouraging words towards us.
There are no words to express appreciation to the nurses who have cleaned up our daughter's wounds, the vomit, the skin infections. There are no words to express how kind those nurses have been in the midst of our confusion and angst. There are no words to express our appreciation for the nurse's taking the time to explain the new medication, or what the new diagnosis means. The nurse's kind touch and kind words won't be forgotten.
So, as a patient's mother, I'd like to thank you. I know your job is hard. But it makes a world of difference. I'm sorry I can't enlighten you about the nursing world, but I can thank you for what you do.
I am really of 2 minds about this. I don't know which way to go, so I'll write down both and you can see if either resonates with you.
You are by nature a more self-contained person and your abusive history may have left you more likely to take things personally than the average person. The reality is that there are difficult personalities in every job. There are cliques in every job. This is just part of life. You just have to be resilient and not let those 2 people - who are in the minority - get to you. Let their comments roll off your back and continue to prove to your manager that you are competent, and eventually their gossip will come back on them. The good news is that it sounds like there are many other nurses who see your abilities and appreciate them so I really do think that your manager will see it too, it just may take a little more time. Continue to take the high road and don't let them get to you.
On the other hand, life is short and if these people are really making you miserable, start looking for a new job. I worked in one place where I felt so demoralized that I was in tears on Sunday nights, thinking about going to work on Monday. It was NOT WORTH IT. It took about 6 months, but I found a new job that I loved and got out of there. My only regret that I didn't start looking sooner. If these people are really so bad that it is bleeding over into the rest of your life and making you depressed, look for something else (Do not leave nursing and do not leave your current job without having a new one lined up - don't let these Mean Girls have that much power over you).
As a middle ground, is the hospital big enough that you could move to a different floor or different shift so that you don't have to directly work with these toxic people?
My oldest/best girlfriend is a nurse and has been for over 20 years. She constantly complained of the politics, the catty/bitchy nurses, and the drama. She had lots of nurse friends in the unit she worked in, but sometime the shift ended up where it was way more nasties than nice folks. She truly hated those shifts. It got so bad that one of the nasty nurses STOLE her parking pass and used it while my friend was working so it looked like she gave her pass to someone else to park with for free (this is ramp parking at the hospital which nurses get for free as a perk). As luck would have it, I happened to be visiting her that same day and was able to vouch that her parking pass went missing (we were going to leave for lunch but had to eat at the cafeteria since she couldn't find it) and then miraculously was returned to the nurses station later that day as well as provide proof that I had paid for my own parking as one of the nurses actually stated that she saw my friend give me the pass. The whole thing was absolutely ridiculous. Technically, that was a fireable offense since it is considered stealing, but my friend was cleared and she ended up deciding to leave the place she had worked for nearly 20 years because it was just so awful. Today, she is working as a nurse in a clinic setting for more money, better hours, better benefits AND she says that the environment is so much better than in a hospital setting, she wishes she would have made the change years ago.
No one should have to hate their job and be miserable. We spend more hours at work than just about anywhere else in our life - it shouldn't be intolerable. I'd look at making a change. I get that job hopping in less than a year isn't very desirable, but on the other hand, around here nursing jobs are very competitive and usually come with signing bonuses, etc., so it isn't uncommon to "trade up" for better pay/hours/benefits/signing bonus/whatever.
Good luck!
Sounds like you are working at a bad/poorly run hospital.
If you really are here in DC? that's possible. But what's even more possible? You're stuck with two chicks who are "mean girls".
Get your resume out and start looking at other hospitals - you've been there a year. so if they ask why you are looking, tell them that you want to see what's out there.
I would stop watching these "mean girls" - you are only giving them power. Do your job. Do it to the best of your ability. Ask for help when you need it. Don't get pulled into the drama of those "mean girls". I know it's hard. But really. Don't. Hang around the nurses that have applauded you. Keep the positive people around you. That will help.
ETA: Elena, your post put tears in my eyes. Thank you so much. It makes us remember what it means to have such wonderful people helping us during really frightening times in our lives.
Original:
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am not a nurse, but I have been a manager in an unrelated field. I have watched women be catty to each other. It's hard. It isn't just nursing. Men aren't the only ones who hold women back in the workforce. Women do it to each other too, and to the detriment of women overall. The younger twenty-somethings you are talking about are acting like high school and haven't yet figured out that they aren't doing themselves real favors. The older women who look at younger women coming into the workplace and have jealousy issues, also aren't doing women as a whole any favors.
You spent a lot of time and money to become a nurse. The learning curve of being a nurse is one that takes time and experience. If you are always practicing critical thinking and staying on top of your documentation and being very organized, you will grow in your learning and understanding.
As you have seen, being nice and keeping your head down has not worked. As soon as the manager told you the other preceptor had complaints, you should have told her that she was the other one's best friend and had made it clear from the start that she didn't like you. Your manager needed to hear that.
Get the resume out and work on finding another job. Perhaps you can work where there are some older nurses. With you not being a 20 something year old, perhaps they will be more respectful of you and more helpful as you continue the learning curve.
I wish you much luck. Please don't give up nursing! You've come so far! Don't let a few awful people ruin your professional life.
You sound like a terrific nurse and I think your patients would feel very lucky to have you caring for them.
I hate to see you leave because of these other nurses but that may just be the easiest thing to do. Also, going to another floor or hospital with practically a year of experience under your belt, you won’t be the new graduate anymore.
I went into a new job once where the woman I worked with weren’t particularly nice to me. I can say I made it my life’s mission to get on their good side and we actually eventually became friendly. That was in my early 20’s though and i am not sure I would have the patience to do that today.
Best of luck to you!
I'm sorry...this situation sucks. I am not a nurse, but I wanted to give my 2 cents. I don't think you should quit...you put all this time and effort into becoming a nurse and you are just getting started. It sounds like you have 2 mean girl type women but everyone else sounds nice and like they support you. I think you should stick with it and with time people will see that you are competent. Develop friendships with the other nurses and focus on them. Have you spoken to your manager in detail about this and how disheartening it is? Are there any other hospitals nearby you can apply to jobs at? Or can you work as a nurse in a different section of this hospital where you work with new people? If you can switch to a new nursing job at a new location everything will be better.
First off you sound like such a sweet & good soul, truly meant to help others so I pray you do not give up!!!! I am not in the medical field but I have experienced these mean 20 somethings at other jobs. It's down right awful. I treat people the way I would want to be treated. It's that simple! One nasty girl drove me out of a great
Job with great benefits after 5 years of putting up with her crappy condescending attitude. If I didnt know better I'd say she was having sex with the boss. This young girl ruled the roost. I faked it so much that the office staff was shocked when she wasn't a bridesmaid at my wedding. But when I left ( after having another job in place) I told her why. It didn't even affect her. Whatever. So....maybe there is another hospital or facility that has better quality staff. Keep your ears & eyes open! Try to ignore these nasty girls and know what comes around goes around and they will get theirs one day! You will prevail!!! All the best to you!!! We need nurses like you so please keep on keeping on!!
I’m a nurse.
I’m typically the odd one out in my unit, never part of the group of “it” people, the ones constantly going out together, laughing together, lunching together, etc. it’s difficult when those nurses are the ones that they start making assignments, preventing, or - worse - taking supervisor positions.
If things are triuly terrible, leave. There are nursing jobs everywhere. Maybe another unit will be better.
Or maybe it won’t. You can also stay and try to deal with what’s happening.
To do so, you need to forget about how this group is treating other people and focus on their behavior towards you. You need to make a list of specific events with dates and take it to your manager. You can ask that an HR rep and the director of your department be present.
And then you need to use *specific* verbiage to get anything done. You need to state that these nurses are bullying you and creating a hostile work environment. Those are the key words that will get the attention of upper management.
My unit has 2 nurses fired when an accusation of bullying was leveled against them.
If nothing else, the manager and director should either speak to the nurses involved or bring you all in together and bridge a discussion between you to work out your differences.
This is probably a problem you’ll keep encountering, so if there are any positives to this job, I’d encourage you to start trying to handle these problems now.
Best of luck -
A 20-year veteran of the nurse clique wars
