Any Advice on How to Tell My 4 and 6 Mommy Isn't Having a Baby Anymore?

Be honest about it and tell them that the egg didn't snuggle well in mommy's tummy and it couldn't grow to a baby. If they ask why couldn't it snuggle, tell them that sometimes there is something wrong with the egg and it's best if it doesn't grow.

J.,

I lost a baby last year. We had been trying and I actually didn't know I had been pregnant until I had the miscarriage (it was very early). My son was almost 3 at the time. The hardest part for him was that I was really upset for about 3 days and just need to be alone. My husband took him to the store so he could bring me flowers and we told him Mommy was sad because the baby was gone. He didn't ask any more questions, expect if I was going to be ok.

My only advice is to take the time you need and keep whatever you tell the kids simple (they will repeat it to everyone).

Keep the faith too-- I got pregnant again a few months later.

First please let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I have lost two babies and know how hard that it. My oldest was only three when we lost our last baby, so breaking the news was a lot easier with him. I don't know if you are a believer in Christ.. but I.. with all my heart.. know that your baby is in heaven. I hope I am not stepping on your beliefs.. but I think that is the best way to break it to your kiddos. It may sound trite to you.. but to them they may take it at face value. I would be up front with them.. that you are sad, but are okay, and that their little baby is with Jesus in Heaven. Just sit them down and tell them how much you love them and are thankful for them and for the baby that you did have. How far along were you? the bible says that He knew us before we were born, so please be assured that He loves you and loves that little life before it was even conceived. good luck..
I will be praying all goes well... and grieving with you!

Dear J.,
First, I am so sorry for your loss.
I had a miscarriage at 3 months, and I think the most comforting act for me was a note I received from my sister. She expressed how sorry she was knowing that a baby is a baby from the moment of conception, and acknowledged how sad I must be feeling. Some rude non-thinking people said,"Well, you hadn't planned for it anyway." I think it is important to acknowledge that God knows us even before we are in our mother's womb..and how He has plans for our future. Acknowledge God is our creator and you are trusting Him, even through the sad times. Not everything can be explained, but that is where your faith comes in. God doesn't CAUSE bad things to happen, but He will work them to the good for those who believe in Him and are called according to His purpose.Another reason the children you do have are indeed, gifts from God! And very precious!
Did you know your whole body starts producuing endorphins and chemical changes start to take place in your body to help you get ready for bonding with a baby the moment you conceive. So when you lose a baby, you are still left with all those endorphins! You WILL be sad and feel like you're missing something. Allow yourself time to heal both physically and mentally. J. L, I'll put you in my prayers.Blessings, M

Let them know that God loved your little one so much that He wanted him/her to be with Himself right now in heaven. It is a comfort to know that He knows and cares and that one day we can meet all those little ones in heaven. (I myself am looking forward to meeting 3 of them!)

Truth is best. "Our baby died." "Mom doesn't have the baby inside anymore, because the baby died. Mom & Dad are very sad now because we were so excited about the new baby. Also Mom is very tired and not able to do everything she'd like to do. It will take some time to get well again. By summer time maybe, Mom will be back to 'normal' and everything will be okay.LIfe is precious and important and every time a baby dies it is sad. Mom is so happy to have you as strong and healthy children, loves you very much, etc"

I think you will be amazed at how just being open and honest with them will help all of you. When my oldest was 23 mos., we were prego and lost it (my third miscarriage). We just told him that our baby was in heaven with Jesus and wouldn't be coming to our house anymore. Fast forward a week or so. We were going to visit dh's grandpa. He asked where was Grandma? We told him she was in heaven with Jesus. He looked up at me and smiled and said..."I bet she's watching our babies". I don't think I need to tell you how much I cried, but it was a healing cry. It was a comfort to me how he handled it. I am SO sorry for your loss. I have been there six times. I am blessed and amazed to have the four wonderful children I have.

Oh J. and Daddy too
I am so sorry ! I know you are hurting .
Please let your children see how much you are grieving over the loss of a baby, and be honest with them about the death.
I don't know what your religious beliefs are but I would be cautious about telling children that God takes sick children away - Children internalize, and personalize the things told them by Parents . You don't want your little ones to think that God is going to take them because they are sick.
Children will accept the fact that the baby died and that you are sad and disappointed too.
Leave open the opportunity for them to ask questions -then tell them only what they ask about -there will be time later for more grownup details .
I am a great believer in answering only the specific question that a child asks.

with my last one when we loss the baby we told our three and eight year old that jessus needed a angel to watch over the sick little kids in the hospital they told me they were sad that threre was no baby but the sick kids needed a baby angel more ....my there year old told me if i put a new bed or chair in my belly thene next time they need a baby angel they wont want to go well i am so sorry to hear about your loss

Hi J.,

Firstly I am sorry for your family's loss. You've gotten a lot of advice already, but I would have to say use both the scientific approach and God. Maybe explaining that the baby was too sick and so now rests with God. This is a hard thing you must be going through.
God will give you the strength to get through this and will help you find just the right words to not only comfort your children but yourselves.
Good Luck dear and God Bless.
W.

I would suggest that you tell them that God did not think this baby could live a healthy life outside your body so you had a miscarrage. But, God will bless you with the perfect/right baby when the time is right.
Sorry for your loss.
C.

J., First my heart goes out to you and your family. I lost a baby 10yrs ago when I was 19weeks, it was really difficult telling our kids who were 5 & 4 at the time. You have to explain it as a loss. We told our kids that God had special plans and needed our baby up in heaven. We created a memory garden in our yard in our sons honor, as well as attending the support group at the hospital for a while. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Please feel free to contact me whenever, it help to have someone who actually can understand what you are going through. My best advice is to cry when you need to and don't feel like you have to be strong for everyone else.

Hang in there. Last year same thing happened to me, but I am now 6 1/2 months along. When I had to tell my 6 year old I just explained to him that God changed his mind and decided it wasn't the right time for us and maybe someone who is not forunate enough to already have a beautiful child, received the baby instead of us. They move on very quickly. Just try not to be sad around them as hard as that will be, but look at them as the beautiful gifts you already have and that should make you smile.

first of all, I want to send my condolences to you and your husband. I am so sorry that you lost this baby! We lost one also through miscarriage and then got pregnant the following month and had a beautiful baby girl! so,be encouraged that you will get pregnant again and have another precious child.A good way to handle miscarriage is to tell the children that there was something wrong with the baby or he/she got sick and the angels carried their baby brother or sister up to heaven where he/she is living and where they will meet him/her someday.Also stress that the baby is perfect and healthy now! You could use a person that the children knew who was ill and died and compare the two with each other. The important fact is that God is in control and did what was best for the baby and He will be by your family's side to comfort you and be with you as you grieve the loss of this little one. I will say a prayer for you today and your family as well. Take care and hang in there. God really does love you!

J., sorry to hear your news...I have also lost a baby (I have three girls now). I think children are very loving and more understanding than we give them credit for. I suggest you completely rely on God and He will use your children as a comfort for the whole family! Children have such a pure and simple outlook on things. Sometimes THEY teach us. Best Wishes, S

I am so sorry for your loss and I completely understand. I went through this same thing with my daughter when she was 4. I dont know your religious beliefs, but I know for me I basically told her that mommy didnt have a baby in her belly anymore because God needed to take care of the baby, but oneday we will get to see the baby in heaven and that maybe God would give us another baby. This worked out good for my situation and she actually understood it.

I did get pregnant again about 4 months later, but I waited until I was almost 3 months to tell her that I had another baby in my belly.

I wish you all the best.
I

Not sure if you believe in God of Heaven but you can tell your four year old that Jesus decided to take their little brother/sister to Heaven early to be with Him and that they will get to see him/her when they get there. I do not know for sure but I think a 6 year old can handle the harder issues of life and you could probably just be honest with her and explain that sometime babies don't make it to the birth and if you want you can explain that most of the time there is something wrong with them and so they are self aborted (I am not sure if I would use that term though) and then they go to Heaven where life will be much easier for them because they will have a perfect body there and they wouldn't have had one on earth. Something to that effect. I just think that a 6yr. old is probably old enough, buy you are her mother and know best. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through and the strength you need for your children.

One of my cousins went through the same thing a few years ago. She sat down with her 7 year old daughter and told her that there was something wrong with the baby and that God took her back to heaven to fix her. Once the baby was fixed, God would put the baby back in her tummy so she could grow up strong. I hope that gave you a little idea of how to break the news to them. Just keep telling yourself and them that everything will be ok and it will be.

im really sorry about your loss, me and my husband have been through two miscarriages and it is really hard to tell people exspacially children. i always felt i was letting them down some how. i found the best way was to be honest and be prepared for alot of questions. my daughter was 9 at the time i lost my first baby and she would ask about it months after. it was hurtful to go through but it was her lose to and she just didnt understand.my heart goes out to you and your family

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have miscarried, and although I didn't have any of my own kids at the time, I did have a niece and nephew that knew we were expecting a baby. It was really hard for them to understand at first (my niece was 5 and my nephew 2 and 1/2.)
We told them that the baby in Auntie's belly got sick wasn't able to keep growing the way that it needed to. My niece was very receptive to this philosophy because she could clearly understand what it felt like to be sick, and she was big enough to understand that sometimes when people get too sick they go to heaven.
I have no guarantees that this is the best plan, as a matter of fact when I read what others write, I'm not sure at all that it is. But I thought I would give you another perspective.
I know that you will make the best decision for your family. Stay strong and prayerful...

Hi J.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. The same thing happened to me twice about three years ago. We had a 6 adn 4 year old at the time and wanted one more. We tried to keep it simple by telling them the baby simply stopped growing and mommy will feel better again. They really didn't ask a lot and unless your two do I would keep it as simple as you can. I know how hard it is. Both of my losses came within 9 months of each other. We did tell the kids that we would keep trying and we do have a wonderful little girl who is now 9 months old. I was 35 when I lost both babies. I wish you all the best and will think about you. Please take care!

J.,
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.
I have a different perspective than the others. You can take it or leave it. I am a social worker who has done some work in grief and trauma. Children at that age are very concrete thinkers. If you tell them something they will take it very literally. Saying things like the baby went to heaven could be confusing because children think heaven is a place that they can visit or that maybe the baby will come back from heaven. Saying something like the baby died may seem really harsh but it will be very clear to your children, especially the 6 yr old. Then you can all mourn together and your children will learn that death is a part of life and it is okay to be sad. Good luck with everything.
God bless,
M.

First of all I am very sorry for your family's loss. I have been through this twice and I know many others that have lost babies. It is so devastating to lose, then to have to tell your children makes it even harder. I'm not sure if you believe in God or not, but we explained to our then 9 yr old (who has Down syndrome, so he was mentally at the time around 5-6 yrs old) and 5 year old that God needed our baby to help him. And that because our baby is in heaven he or she will be looking out for them and helping them here on earth. They were fine with that explanation and had questions later, but my very sensitive 5 yr old seemed to accept that. We have had another baby since then (7 months old, we did not tell them I was pregnant again until I was over 3 months along though) and every once in awhile the oldest two will still ask what if this what if that. My 5 yr old is very smart and inquisitive.....he wanted to know what happens to the baby after it dies. He thought that my belly would get an infection if the baby died and stayed there, so we did have to explain a little more to him about how things happen after a miscarriage, but he didn't need anymore details. They both cried a lot when we first told them, but that was about it. Then we just fielded the questions later and with lots of tears on my part. I don't think they quite understood at the time why I was so sad for so long, but they just kept giving me hugs and telling me they loved me and that it would get better!! I didn't try to hide from them the crying and sadness either because I wanted them to see the grieving process, so they would know that whatever they felt was normal and they didn't have to hold everything in. Good Luck to you and your kids will probably be sad for a short period, but luckily children are very resilient!!

I didn't read the responses so I'm not sure if this has been said already. I would tell the kids that God makes everything and he can also take away things. I would say that God needed the baby to be up in heaven with him for a special job up there. I would also remind them of how much God loves all of us and that there is always a reason for him taking babies back to heaven. Sorry for the loss and good luck. I'll keep you all in my prayers

Dear J.,

I am so sorry for you in the loss of your baby. I think you will be surprised at how supportive your other two children can be in helping you deal with this loss. Children are great for a needed hug. I would just be honest with them but at their level. I don't know if you're a Christian or not but either way I think you can explain to your children that something went wrong and that their little brother or sister now is living in heaven and is healthy and happy with Jesus. You can share your sadness and encourage them to share theirs and you can encourage them to look forward to meeting their sibling someday in heaven. Any way, I hope this is helpful. I've always thought people should share their miscarriage with friends and family too or they rob themselves of the support that these people can be. It is true that some people can say something that's less than helpful but overall the responses you'll get will lift a bit of your grief onto others shoulders and they can help you bear up under it. I will say a prayer for you and your family. K.

Im very sorry for your family and the lose that you have suffered. It is a difficult situation now matter how old you are. I have to agree with the majority of the responses. when I had to tell my kids that I lost a baby it was harder on me than it was on the kids, they were 4 and 3. I did try to explain to them the Jesus needed our baby in heaven. That he had a special job that only she could do and not to worry cause we would see her again. My kids boucned back and I dont mean this to sound cold but they just went on with life. I on the other hand had a hard time. Love and understanding will go a long way. And trust me with the ages they are they will still ask about the baby in the weeks to follow, just answer their question lovinly. Just find time for yourself to grieve too.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
S.

Hi J.~
Im so sorry you are going thru this. I agree with Kitty, though. I am a Christian mom and I would never tell my kids that God took anybody away. While I think it's important to emphasize that the baby is indeed in heaven, I think a scientific answer is best for the younger children. I don't see the harm in being truthful; that there must have been something wrong with the way that baby was growing and it couldn't develop into a baby that could be born. It's okay for your kids to see you mourn, it's a great way to show them that feelings are real and experiencing them is healthy. Give them something positive, though, that everybody will feel better with time and that you and daddy are going to try for another baby (if you are).

~L.

I had to go through this in October. Our 2.5 year old was in the room when our 8 week u/s showed no heartbeat (we saw a HB the week before). I was actually PG w/ triplets but I had lost the twins the week before.

Anyways, she knew mommy and daddy were very upset. She sat on the examination table and rubbed my back. We told here that there wasn't a baby in mommy's belly anymore. Seeing as she was 2.5, it worked. We just told her we thought there was a baby, and there wasn't so that was why mommy was sad.

I have to say it was my DD who was my rock! Every time I was sad she'd come over and give me a hug and tell me that there will be a baby in mommy's belly soon.

You know your children and what they can handle and understand. My DD is very bright and understanding. So I just gave her the truth. She took it very well.

Dear J., My heart goes out to you! We went thru a similar situation 21 years ago. May I tell you my story sometime?

What I encourage is that you and your husband together find a very short sentence or two to announce to the children. Not knowing what you've already told your children when people pass, nor what you believe about God makes this a bit of a challenge...but please don't tell them that God needed another Rose in His garden, or another Angel in Heaven. I don't know if that would be comforting to you but it is very confusing to children. If it is helpful to you, to have a Baby #3 Celebration Day, remembering that this Baby is a part of your family.
wishing peace for you today...M. G

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I think with children at that age death is hard for them to understand, especially when they have not yet seen and met this little baby that is now gone. I think being honest with them is the best way and depending on your religious beliefs you could tie that in as well if you think it is appropriate. I would tell them exactly what you are feeling, something like Mommy is sad because she was excited to have another baby and the baby wasn't strong enough to keep on growing so now it won't be born. They may not understand the whole reasoning, etc., but they can understand feeling sad or disappointed. They will take their cues about "everything is okay" from you so I would try to keep their lives as normal as possible while giving yourself and your husband time to grieve and heal.

J., my condolences on your loss. I've been in your shoes 3 times. But I do have 3 grown, healthy sons too.

Whatever you tell your 4 and 6 year olds will have to be done in their language. The language of little kids. If you have a religious conviction, "We wanted this little baby just as much as we wanted you, but God needed this baby more, so we'll have to wait".
It's a difficult one, J.. I never had to explain it to my kids, for some reason. Oh right; my first time was a year before my first son was born. The other two times, they just understood mom was in hospital. They've never asked.
My best to you. And hang in there. You've got youth on your side, two wonderful kids, and you'll have your #3. Just have faith. Sometimes, I think, the body just isn't feeling quite right about the body changes pregnancy brings, and acts accordingly.

I'm very sorry for your loss. My first child was still born at 9 months so I can understand the grief you are going through. I would suggest that you use the exact language that you used in your post. If you believe in heaven, tell your children that is where the baby is (that's what I tell my son about his angel brother) and have prayer. Let them know that mommy and daddy are sad, and it's okay for them to be sad. Stress that is wasn't their fault. They did DO anything to make this happen.

If you want more info/boards on this topic, let me know

That's a toughie...I wish I had some great advice...Good luck to you and your husband, though, on trying...Maybe you'll get pregnant again soon enough that you don't really have to say anything to the kids? Best Wishes.

I also wanted to ask you about being a medical transcriptionist...how is that? I've thought about it, but don't know much about it or anyone who does it...I would love to hear about it...