My 14 year old daughter is suddenly interested in boys. We have a "no dating" rule, but she is allowed to have a boyfriend. This is all new to her dad and me. I would prefer she join the convent. Just having a hard time letting "my little girl" grow up....We are a Christian family and most of the boys in her school are not. How can we handle this without causing problems with our girl?
The difference between dating and having a boyfriend: (at least by our definition) She is not allowed to be alone with a boy at any time. She is not allowed to text boys (unless it's about a change at youth), she is not allowed to go on single or group dates, as group dates often end in couples (as has been my experience!). A "boyfriend" (which she does not have at the moment thankfully) would be someone she enjoys spending time with AT SCHOOL a bit more than her regular guy friends. Sitting together at lunch, walking to class, etc..She does know our guidelines. She knows our definitions. She has a wonderful father who has treated me and our daughters with respect so that she can see how she wants to be treated too. He opens doors for her and tells her what a wonderful girl she is so that she doesn't look to other boys or men to validate her. We've covered our bases. She's in youth. She's in small group for girls. We've had the talk...nearly every month! What my real problem is has been dealing with the fact that I eventually have to let her grow up. She is a beautiful, smart, talented young lady who loves the Lord. She has goals! Do I want some hairy-legged boy liking my daughter? NO, but I have to trust her and know that all the controlling in the world can't change the way she is going to feel one day. I am trying to prepare us all for a future only God knows. The more we tell them not to do something, the more mystery it holds. I have been open and honest with her and am encouraging her to be open and honest with me. I want to honor her feelings and protect her at the same time. I am navigating the teen years for the first time. I think rather than actual answers, I just needed support. So, thank you for those who read between the lines. I appreciate the input.
I'm confused. No dating but she can have a boyfriend? I think you need to redefine that.
Teach her to respect herself and others. Teach her that no boy is worth compromising her values and beliefs. Teach her that you will love her and support her and she can come to you, even if it's hard. Don't just say no. Say why. Talk to her and not just dictate.
Okay, I'll bite, how do you have a boyfriend but not date?
My older daughter had no desire to date or have a boyfriend until she was in college. She had just as many friends who were male as female. It was just as she looked around she didn't see an upside to dating. Most of her friends that dated acted like idiots when they were dating so she wanted no part of it.
My younger daughter is 11 and appears to be cut from the same cloth. :)
All I can say is try to encourage your daughter to have friends, hang out with her friends, enjoy being a teen. She will spend most of her life married to one man, there is time enough for that. Being a teen only lasts six years.
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Not sure if you will see this but after reading your what happened I must add what you are doing is counterproductive to learning! If she chooses to have a boyfriend you are saying keep it in school. School is for learning, not having a social life. My kids have attended all boys and girls schools just for this reason. My kids *chose* not to date until they graduated. As such I could let them do whatever they felt was safe socially after school such as coed group outings which I would never call group dates and if you saw them you would not consider them group dates either.
Another tid bit, don't underestimate the value of a Christian upbringing. Even in high school my kids continued to be youth leaders in their old grade school. My kids were never picked on for their beliefs, they were both quite popular.
My daughter didn't start dating till she was a freshmen in college. She met her boyfriend in the second half of her freshmen year, they have been dating for four years now. Once they both finish their masters they will talk about marriage and the like million kids she wants to have. Poor boy!
You can talk to her about how she can build trust with you all, and you will have to trust that she will make good choices. Then, if she does mess up, as we all do at times, be there for her, show her how to be accountable, and how to learn from making the wrong choice. Talk about sex openly, and invite her to discuss whatever questions she has with you as well.
If you hold on too tight, she may rebel. Keep the communication open. At this stage in her life, she may not want to, and that is kinda typical behavior from any teen. They need their space. Parental Controls on the computer. :-) And I strongly advise not to allow her to have a social network account, like twitter, or facebook. Way too many kids get really involved in that, and it is easy to get carried away, and really hurt someone through it. This is just what I would do imo. :-)
I do not get the 'no dating' but yes to the boyfriend? How does that work exactly?
My only girl is still little but I think I will go the same route as I have taken with my boys...which is yes on the dating (group dates), lots of different people and not so much on the boyfriend/girlfriends...
*So basically the exact opposite stance as yours!
It is my opinion that while in HS they should meet lots of people, hang out with as many as possible but *hopefully* get serious with none!
-------I can dream right??----------
My daughter is 17. Only child. We believe in open communication from day 1 at toddler age. We've been open and honest along the way and feel communication is Key!
If you can't chat real time one and one figure out how you can.. It's critical at a teen level . Good luck
Think I had sex because I had a boyfriend I thought I loved. Not because I dated.
Activities!
Know her friends parents
Have her dad be very involved in her life right now.
I would encourage you to spend a lot, a lot, a lot of time with her. Go on outings and do fun, special things as a family or just you and her. This way you can have meaningful conversations to help guide her into womanhood and keep her occupied and feeling like she belongs.
Also, if you are a Christian, I suggest that you read and complete "The New Eve" by Robert Lewis. It's a book and workbook on biblical womanhood. When my girls are old enough I plan to take them through this around 13 or 14 years old. I completed it in my 20's and I WISH I had learned the biblical principles on womanhood much earlier.
You're sending mixed messages to your daughter with the no dating, but she can have a boyfriend. I'm sorry but it is either BOTH or none at all! I have a 11 year old, and she knows there will be nothing allowed until she is older. I'm trying to teach my daughter what God wants for her, and to value herself. She just started middle school and she has told me that boys are looking at her. She has noticed it but she does nothing to increase the attention they may give. She knows it is pointless because she is not allowed pursue a relationship with them. They can be FRIENDS and that is it! She knows my rules and she respects me enough to follow them. I know there will come a time when she rebels, but I know there will be consequences waiting for as well. She won't want to cross me twice!
I have a 16 year old boy but I think concepts are the same. We have discussed for years with him that he needs to decide what things are important to him in a partner. for example if he likes broccoli and they don't this is not important. He doesn't want to drink (against religion) so this is important to him. He loves animals (his dogs sleep with him) so SHE must love animals too. These are just a few examples. We have discussed that dating someone who doesn't want the same things will lead nowhere and he will only get hurt. We had him make a list and really identify the things that are important to him. It has made it easier for him to see who is friend material and who is girlfriend material. He has also observed the drama that occurs at school when kids date one week and break up the next. He (on his own) has decided he wants to wait till he is out of high school to date and would like to marry by 25. He has several friends at school who are girls and enjoys being just friends. I think that having meaningful discussions about the WHY of things is so important. We have never told him he couldn't date. We let him come to his own conclusion after discussing the pros and cons of things
Hi J.-
I'm writing after you added the "so what happened?" part. My daughters are 15 and 12. Middle school and sophomore in high school. Like you, I had always hoped they would wait until college to "discover" boys. I don't feel that way anymore. My sophomore has her first real boyfriend- only a few weeks so far.
My husband and I had long discussions about how we would handle this new dynamic. Here is what we've come up with. Boyfriend has been invited to a few of our family events- soccer games, BBQ with extended family, etc. She has gone on a group date (movie) with him and 6-8 other friends. We drove one way, his mom drove the other. She has gone to his house once to watch a movie. Before we allowed this, we called his mom and explained our rules for our daughter- no going upstairs, parent home entire time, etc. His mom agreed completely.
We want her to feel comfortable keeping the relationship in the open, as opposed to making excuses to stay late after school and hide behind the gym to make out. By including boyfriend, we are getting to know him and vice-versa. We are able to discuss things we notice with daughter privately afterward and share our perspectives. So far, so good but its only been a couple weeks.
My younger daughter has as many male friends as girlfriends. She is a self-described band nerd and most of the male friends are also in band. She texts the boys often but isn't interested in any of them beyond friendships. She has enjoyed the times we've included older sister's boyfriend and has told me she approves of him.
So far, I like boyfriend and I'm glad this relationship is happening while she still lives at home. Had she been away at college, she and I would have missed out on a lot of the meaningful conversations we've had about what has happened so far in their relationship.
The best advice I received when I was in your shoes was to find ways to include him in the family setting. That way, she gets time with him outside of school and you are there. It also says a lot for the boy if he likes her enough to play by our rules.
Check back with me in a few months and I'll let you know how it turns out.
