Anxiety When My Daughter Goes with Her Dad

I too divorced when my son was just a baby.
It can be really, really hard, no doubt about it.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you have to be really careful about your daughter picking up on your anxiety because it's not good for her. Crying your eyes out and keeping her up late isn't good. That's going to make her think something is wrong and she'll associate that with going with her dad. It's no wonder she says she wants to stay with you. She doesn't want to leave you upset.
The situation is hard for you, but you can't make it hard(er) for your child than it has to be.

I left my husband because he was abusive to me. I did the right thing. It was still very hard. He was extremely bitter over me leaving him and he went out of his way to try to make the kids feel sorry for him. He always bawled and squalled. One day when he brought our son home he said, "Our son loves me more than he loves you. Haven't you ever noticed how he only cries when he has to leave me and he NEVER cries when he has to leave you?"
I said, "The reason he doesn't cry when he leaves me is because I don't cry. I tell him I love him, to have a wonderful time with his daddy, and I'll be right here waiting for him when he comes home."
My ex even tried to get more time with our son based on the fact that he cried everytime he had to come home to me. He said it was obvious the child wanted to be with him instead of me. He admitted to crying his own eyes out and "collapsing to the ground" with his heart torn out every time he had to bring our son back.
His request for more time?
DENIED.
In fact, they told him he needed to get therapy to get his emotions in check because he was doing more harm than good and it wasn't right to transfer his feelings of sadness and bitterness onto the child.

A child needs two strong and secure parents in order for THEM to feel strong and secure in spite of everything that's going on in their world that they have no control over.

It wasn't easy for me to send my son with his dad, especially after he had been so abusive to me.
I understand wanting to fall apart. I fell apart many times, but only AFTER my son was in the car, down the street and around after seeing me smiling and waving as he left.
You love your daughter more than anything. I know you do.
You can't for one second let her know that her being gone from you makes you sick.
She doesn't understand divorce. She doesn't understand your feelings about being away from her.
Little kids in these situations find ways to blame themselves if their parents aren't happy. All she knows is that her leaving hurts you. That SHE somehow is doing that to you. I know you would never want to do that to her.
It might help for you to stop and think of it this way:
For the last year and a half, her mommy has been sad, had headaches, stomache aches, been a mess before she leaves with her dad.
Those are her memories for the last year and a half.
Consider what a difference you could make in her memories if she sees you happy, enjoying your time with her, and you always having a confident hug and watching you smile and wave and blow kisses as she drives away.

I mean absolutely no offense by anything I've said. I've been through it. It's the hardest thing in the world.
I just found it was easier for me to keep it together when I stopped and thought about how falling apart would affect my kids.
My daughter is 25 and my son is 16 now. They still can't bear to see me cry. It breaks their hearts.
When my dad died, I cried. A lot. They were old enough to understand why I was sad, but it still hurt them to see me hurting so much and there was nothing they could do to change what had happened.

I'm just trying to say....be strong for your little girl.
I never remarried. I've been divorced now for 15 years. I've been scared and had to be strong in more ways than I can count, but I have two very loving, secure, confident and affectionate kids who think I'm amazing. They see me as the rock. The steady one.

You can't go back in time and change things. Don't feel guilty about what can't be changed. All you can do is move forward in a positive direction and know that your daughter just needs to know she is safe and loved by both parents and her being here is a joy. There will be lots of people in her life who love her and that is a very beautiful thing.
She is lucky to be loved as much as she is.
You need to tell her that.
You need to tell yourself that.

Best wishes.

Very much understand. I've been doing this for almost three years starting at 20 months. Now she's almost five and its a different dynamic. Up until a few months ago it was so hard for her to transition to her dad's house, holding my leg, asking for "huggies and kissies" over and over. We tried over nights but no go and she still only spends the night here (or with grandparents.)

Here's what I did when it started:

* When I'm distressed a reseach so I looked up all the ways girls thrive with having a positive father figure in their life, now and especially teen years. Dads are SO important to girls self image and educational achievement.

* I realized to be the mom I wanted to be, I had to nurture the relationship between father and daughter, show her I was okay and confident she would be okay. More than okay, being with daddy is awesome!

* The night before we would talk about all the great things she'd like to do with daddy, her favorite part of being with him, etc. In this way, I'm having her connect positive feelings she has for her dad, being physically close to me, to reinforce my support of her and him. Was it painful, sure! But, I could take care of myself and let that out when she wasn't there.

* I had to sort out my feelings of guilt. To my daughter, this is the way it is. I actually feel quite fortunate that my daughter never knew us together so doesn't miss it. When she sees us together now, she sees two friendly adults who love her.

* My daughter reflects my attitude. I am so glad that she now goes easily with her dad. It was SO hard when he came to pick her up and I'm detangling her from me and she's crying. I felt horrible for both of them and I felt so confused. But it is a bit like day care. Children adapt to what is presented to them and its up to us to present it to them in the best possible light, especially when it is good for them. This is not "unnatural" to her.

* The morning of, I scheduled things for myself on the mornings (like today) when she left: outings with girlfriends, new veggies to put in my garden, paint, etc.

* It is still hard sometimes. No doubt. But having her gone all day Sunday, I have the opportunity to do things I never could with her here. I get to focus on me as a woman and not as me as a mom. I feel so much better for her because in that time (not today, in my jammies and feels GREAT!) I can fill my spirit with adult time: exercise, gardening, being with friends, heck-lay around and not be a role model for a day: )

* I would encourage watching the words you use to describe the situation: "devistating." It feels terrible, but the situation is not devistating.

* Can you imagine what this must feel like to her? She has two parents who love her and she loves. Her primary caregiver is presenting as anxious each time she is going to go to the other's house. The pull from that anxiety would be confusing and you're giving her mixed messages by saying you have to go but I don't want you to. What?

You sound like you don't like how you're handling the situation now and part of it seems that you are thinking of how you feel rather than the situation from your daughter's perspective. Mothers are so powerful. Use that power for good.

I cannot imagine being a parent and only seeing my child for 24 hours a week. Can you imagine how that must feel?

Hopefully when she gets older you can work out a way for your daughter to split her time between you and her dad.

This is her life. She is fortunate to have parents that both love her. It is not a sad story it is a good one because she is so loved. She feeds off of your anxiety/

Please figure out how to take the time she is away to do the things you cannot get done when she is with you. Join a gym, take a yoga class, meet with friends, go to grown up movies. Do the chores around the house that are hard to do with a child. Start a book club.

She needs to be free to love to go and see her father. I had guilt with my parents divorce. I did not want to hurt my moms feeling by being too excited to see my dad, but I also did not want to be so excited to back to my moms home in front of him either. That is a lot of pressure for a child. I eventually had to go to therapy to work through all of this.

This is your normal life. Do not waste any time in your life with regrets. Instead turn that energy into something productive. Your daughter needs to see and feel like she is not responsible for your comfort and happiness. She is allowed to her own happiness and comfort with both of her parents equally.

This is going to debilitate you if you don't seriously work on it. It will take over your life and control you even more. You are not being fair to your daughter and are causing her pain. She would not cry and want to stay with you if you were not acting like this. If you were able to get past this and act like it was a big deal to go to her dads and that is was wonderful and okay with you she would be calm, happy, and delighted to go with her daddy.

Keeping her up, crying all day, all these acting out behaviors are hurting her, and you in the long run. You must see someone and work through this. The person you have been seeing is not getting through to you so you might need to ask around for a different person because all you are truly doing is making sure your daughter has anxiety attacks when she gets older.

Also, he sees her about 24 hours and you can't even go that long without talking to her on the phone? You need to find an activity to do when she is gone, perhaps go out with friends, go to a movie or a play, take a craft class and start up a new hobby, buy some new books, join a gym and go for classes when she is gone, find someplace to volunteer (maybe a Children's Hospital), join a church and go Sunday evening, there are many many things you can do to keep yourself busy while she is with her father.

You are not a bad mom for getting a divorce, you are not a bad mom for loving your child, however letting this level of anxiety hurt her is not so great so do whatever you can to get better and be a better example for her so she can grow up healthy mentally.

you've got to get your head straight...because you are part of the issue.

Harsh words, but our moods do affect our children. Nonverbally, you are communicating your issues onto her. She is 3 & it is normal for her to feel some separation anxiety.....but you HAVE to hide yours. Don't keep her up late the night before, don't express yourself....other than showing her love. It's up to you to set the stage properly....or you're doing a disservice to your child to fall into these bad habits.

If she's happy when she's with him, if he's a good dad....then rejoice in this fact. Make it your every thought when she is with him! Don't dwell on the missing her, don't dwell on the fact that you are divorced. Your daughter deserves time with her daddy & he also deserves her.

To help get you thru this distress, when she leaves....you need to leave & find something "good" to do. Spend the time with friends, go to the movies/museum....anything which interests you! Take a walk, workout, do something to lift yourself! Peace....

It's normal for you to feel this way, but you have said yourself that he is a good dad, wants a relationship, and that she is fine when she gets there - so while kinda normal, it's also over the top. Your anxiety is making her anxious, which is making you anxious - so you need to dig deep and consciously work to stop this anxiety spiral.

It's kinda like daycare drop-off - they cry for mom, but then have fun 5 minutes later and for the rest of the day, and then cry when mom returns.

My parents divorced when I was 10, so it's not the same, but if you have a good enough relationship with him to spend time together once in a while, that might help you. Let him be the dad while you are around and maybe seeing him be dad-ish might help? Also, seeing you and him be caring parents for her will be good for your daughter as well.

Bless you both for putting her first and having a decent, working divorce relationship. It makes all the difference. I heard horror stories when I was a kid of other divorced parents who wouldn't be on the same football field for a kid's graduation - that's just childish, and kids feel that and remember that. You're doing great.

I was the same way for about the first year, when my kids had to go with there father. You said shes happy when shes with him. That hes a good father. Keep on repeating this to yourself when shes gone. Ignore the negitive parts, like the guilt. Everytime you feel yourself starting to feel guilt or sadness, remind yourself. Shes happy, and in good hands. And that she has her father in her life. All little girls need a father. And your lucky she has a good one. Litrally say this, and picture her in this situation, because if he really is a good father, she really is feeling this way.You have to believe it. Its the only way your going to get through this. Its the only way I get through it. That feeling will totally not go all the way away, because it isnt natural, but you will be less stressed and able to more happy when shes gone. I still get sad, but anxiety and sick feeling rarely even comes anymore. You'll get better over time, but being sad and feeling guilty all the time about it is just going to make it worse. If your religious, and believe in God. Believe hes going to watch over her, and keep her safe and happy. BELIEVE. Hes the best protector in this world. That always takes my anxiety away when I remember that. :) Hope this helps.

I know its horrible when they go. Do you think its possible she is picking up your stress? That would explain her issues, especially when you say you check on her and everything is fine. Some say that it should be drop off only. Meaning you drop her off so its not like she is being taken away. He drops off as well. Sometimes it helps if you see her enter this house and your the one dropping her off.

First don't keep her up Saturday night. Her being tired probably adds to her crying.

In a perfect world we have our kids any time we want them. Still such a small time shouldn't effect you like it does. Instead of just making Saturday night the night spread it out over the week. That will make one day seem like what it really is, no big deal.

Aaaaw, this totally sucks, and is completely understandable. You are doing the right thing fostering a relationship between your daughter in her Dad. I really do know how hard it is.

It WILL get better as she gets older, time WILL go by, and you'll all be ok.

YOU need to do something with yourself for those times she's with her Dad. Find something you CAN'T do while she's with you. Really you might be enjoying the time to yourself, since she has such a healthy relationship with Dad.

I know it's really really yucky, but it really really should be getting a little easier for you. Maybe you can talk to your doc, a doc you like very much, go on something for awhile?

I wish you all the best, considering your ex could be a HORRIBLE father, and is not, things could be a lot worse!

:)

Find something else to do when she's gone, other than sit around & feel sad. Take class, go out of town, do something with a friend.

Also, I hope you are not showing your daughter your anxiety when she is with you. She doesn't need to see you like that.

Hang in there. I can't imagine how hard it must be go through what you went through. But, you are truly lucky she has a great daddy that loves her & wants to see her. I know you are sad, but imagine how hard it would be to only see her for less than 2 days a week. I know your ex cheated, but that's got to be really hard for him.