My 4 year-old son is well-liked, bright and has what I'd consider a healthy self-image. Still he goes through spurts where he imitates a particular friend's behavior a lot. Her laugh and mannerisms as well as behavior I find annoying to the point of grating: ignoring requests, whining, screeching, testing limits with defensive/ defiant behavior. We deal with each behavior as it comes and he's pretty good most of the time about being redirected.
This is really about me and how this pushes my buttons the way nothing really has up to this point. What do you do not to overreact or create a bigger problem when you find some new phase so grating! I've resorted out of frustration to saying brilliant things like, "Stop acting like so and so. I miss (my son's name)."
I've explained that I love this friend (I do), but I don't like all her behavior (I don't, it really provokes me). I just find I keep tripping up and criticizing her to him. I know he looks up to her as someone who's more mature and sophisticated (less than a month older).
The other issue it stirs in me is worry about whether he will be confident enough to be himself and not swayed by peers who lead through intimidating/ alienating others.
To be fair, he really likes being 'in character'. He loves to role play and imitate book characters, etc., but not other friends. I know in the big parenting scheme his behavior is not a big deal, I just need help keeping perspective and would love to hear from other parents with kids who do this. Do they outgrow it? What to do in the meantime?
Thanks Mamas, for your two cents. It's been so reassuring to hear how common this 'problem' is. The best part has been opening my email and seeing yet another response, like a friend reaching out to offer support; wow.
The imitating has lessened over the past few days. My son likes the idea that so-and-so may still be learning how to be a friend, this inspires him to show me that he knows how to be one, instantly changing his behavior. We've continued to talk about the issue as needed- controversial method as that may be. He asked me with all sincerity: 'Mom, do you ever imitate people?" I told him, yes, I try and do the nice things I see others do, but not copy the mean things.
Also picking up the recommended book from the library today. Loved the comment about the dad as a child not realizing he could just stop what he was doing. My friend shared a story of how in grade school she copied a classmate of hers who had a speech impediment, not mocking the child, just interested in the 'accent', which her dad found totally annoying.
And of course, memories from when I was school age and my own mom threatening not to let me play and so and so's house if when I come home I 'act like that'. I was barely aware of what she was referring to, but very aware of how cool I thought so-and-so was.
Onward I guess. Thanks Mamas!
Breathe through it all and not to sound cliche but "Don't sweat the small stuff." Too much explaining to a 4 year old may drive both of you "crazy". Some days we can be annoyed by almost anything, this too shall pass.
First your son is being very normal, children learn by imitation. My first suggestion would be to quit comparing him to her when he acts up, he is the one doing the behaviour no matter where he learned it, and simply state to him that the behaviour he is showing is not ok, reagrdless of where you might think he learned it. Stick to redirection, time-outs or whatever form of discipline you use, remind him that he is above whining and screeching, that he doesn't need to do that in order to get your attention, as far as the laugh and mannerisms, he is just having fun and will on his own quit. This is going to happen for a while especially once he starts school full time, and with 5 of my 7 kids in school trust me when I say this, it gets "worse" before it gets better, most kids "find" who they are around the 3-4 grade, and your sons actions in no way say that he is going to be a follower versus a leader.
All of my kids have one friend who grates on my nerves, but what I remind myself is this, they aren't my friends and my children are entitled to pick their own, of course that rule goes out the door if said friends are really bad influences and for me that is drugs, alcohol ect, beyond that I grin and bear it and am very polite, I know I have done my job well when these friends still think I am "cool" their words not mine. If truth be told two of my children have personalities that grate on my nerves, if they were adults I would probably not be their friends, they can be so polar opposite from the people I grew up with and hung out with. My point is we can only direct our children so far, and our only real goal as parents is to make good productive citizens, and that means teaching them right from wrong but not changing their paths of who they are. I don't know if that made any sense, I wish you luck!
I have a couple of kids that do this. I try not to put a name to their behavior. I just remind them that we don't behave this way. On the second offense, I let them know that letting them play is a privilege, and if they keep it up they will not be allowed to play. We have gone numerous day without friends. And frankly my kids do not fight near as much when all they have to play with is each other. We have spent most of the winter with no friends. Now on the few occasions that I allow them to play, I don't deal with the problems I used to because they know (even more 4 year old) that if they do, it will be a while longer before they play again. And now my 4 year old is actually getting tired of the bad behaviors of his friend and lets him know that "we don't act like that at my house". It has been pretty good. But as I noticed the bad behavior of the friends while at my house, I also correct them, and say something to the effect of "we don't act like that at my house, are you allowed to act that way at your house?" or I let them know that if they act like that they will be asked to go home because we don't do that at our house. So now they act better at my house also.
good luck
My two oldest daughter have done and do the same thing. I'm pretty sure that if I were in their friend's homes, I'd find them imitating my daughters, also! The behaviors I recognize from friends that are acceptable (but irritating!) I do not give attention. However, if the behavior is not acceptable, I take parental measures (such as what you have done) to step in concerning the behavior in question. As they've gotten older, I notice the imitating less and less. I also recognize that we all effect each other and who they are is who they are which is partly built from things they get from their friends.
Not to offend you but you are truly over reacting. I hate to break it to you but your son is still his own person and he can have rebellious tendancies even without another child giving him ideas. As long as you keep it being about him not anyone else then all you can do is that. Kids at this age mimic and if you continue to say it annoys you then he will continue it. Just for the attention. It is very confusing to your son to say "don't act like so and so" and then say you like her. Don't compare him to anyone else. Just give very clear boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior without labeling it as it is due to someone else. Your son is not perfect and will act out, period. If he is around someone that is clearly a bad example then you have to stop them hanging out, if it is at school, then you have have to just lay the ground work and let him know what is okay and he needs to make his own clear choices. To worry way down the road about his confidence level is way over the top, no offense. This is such normal behavior for kids at his age. His confidence level has little to do with it and it is more that he is being exposed to different personality types. What us as parents need to do is lay the ground work and expect they know wherever they are the rules still apply, regardless of what other children do.
my son is four as well and he does this alot. kids will mimick anyone they see, which can suck alot. when he brings home some of his friends less than desirable sayings or actions, i tell him that he doesn't act like that or he doesn't talk like that, and he'll tell me well so and so does, and i just tell him that i'm not so and so's mom lol but i'm his. and if he keeps it up i'll just ignore it. he'll do it alot more if he sees that it gets a big reaction out of me. somethings i will keep telling him he can't do, for instance when he started saying god damnit because one of his friends was. the first couple times he did i just explained to him that we don't talk like that and put it in the bad word category because he understands that there's some words that are not ok to say, but if it's just annoying behavior i would say ignore it.
I understand this very well. My daughter had a couple of friends who were not well behaved. They would whine, disobey their mother, throw some of the worst fits I've ever seen, and even do things as drastic as throw up their food if they were unhappy in order to control a situation. It was a difficult situation because they have a genetic illness (which in no way caused this behavior) and so their mother was overly lenient with them, and never effectively dealt with the problem, and my child saw how that all worked. The way I handled it was that I was very firm....if she started acting like that, I put my foot down and said that under no circumstances was she to act like her friend. That behavior was unacceptable and that I didn't care what their mom let them do, I made the rules that my daughter had to live by and I WOULD make her obey me. Ultimately, kids like to playact, they like to try new things out, and they like to test out reactions....plus they are discovering who they are and what they are and are not allowed do. In my opinion, the more you allow bad behavior to continue, hoping they'll grow out of it, the more they get used to behaving that way and thus, the habit is harder to break the older they get. While it may seem like he's playacting, the more he does it, the more it becomes a part of his personality and behavior. You can help him build his own character and make it stronger by guiding him through these times and not allowing him to try to be someone else, at least in a negative way. If he is used to emulating others, even to the point of copying bad behavior, he will be more likely to do so throughout his life rather than knowing who HE is and being confident in that. Good luck!
Hello D., In order to respond respectfully and effectively to your son's behavior, I suggest reading, "How to Talk So Your Kids will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. This book give lots of viewpoints and skills to help us support our children to move beyond these acting out behaviors. :) ~T.
My Dad tells a story of when he was a little boy and picked up a silly habit from his friend. It was blinking his eyes really fast(like a twitch). One day his Mom couldn't stand it anymore, and said, "David, what are you doing? You need to stop that right now!!" And he then says, "And I so, I did!" He realized that he was just copying his friend, and it was a pretty ridiculous thing to do.
Maybe tell this story to your son, and it will help him realize that he is just being silly...copying his friend. But tell him it really needs to stop, and to just be himself.
Good Luck!!
Well D.,
If you get it figured out please tell me so I can figure out what to do with my 12 year old boy who is girl crazy but does some of the most girly freaky things that get on my nerves pretty good too. He is just trying to be funny. I know. but it sounds to me like your son has a lot of respect for this friend and it is probably his way of expressing it. Maybe?
Wow-you have already received such good advice all I can say I agree with the four ladies who have already responded! Good luck and relax a little-enjoy what is enjoyable cause they grow big so fast!
Hi there!
My son is 4 and imitates everything from his friends, good or bad. I really don't like that and I would really like to see him also take the lead sometimes.... He is a smart kid, but in the company of other kids (older then him), he simply turns into a follower.
You are a few years further, how is your son doing? Did he manage to find the leader in him?
I am experiencing the same issue but in a different way. Our son who is almost 5 mimicks our nieghbors laughs and facial expressions. He is well behaved but I HATE to see these facial expressions and hear that laugh! The child does not speak correctly with his grammar and has a very southern draw which I do NOT want our children to learn! I too worry about his self esteem and the fact that he will be a follower instead of a leader. I read some of your responses and I think you are correct in what you are thinking and feeling. Just do the best you can do and when he does these things, tell him that it is not appropriate in "our" home. That does not make that child that he is mimicking a bad child, it just means that you want your child and his personality. He is a great kid who he is, not who someone else is.
Good luck!
