Am I Wrong? - Orlando,FL

Hi S.,
This is my opinion, this is about respect. My husband use to have the same problem and I didn't know about it, until I was pregnant with our first child. I was beyond hurt and angry that he liked looking at other women online. In my opinion this was cheating in our relationship.

I gave him a choice, cheat or respect my feelings. I was not going to stay married to someone who felt my moral views were no big deal.

Other people may think this is no big deal, all he is doing is looking. Personally, looking online is opening the doors to other thoughts and desires. We live in a society where issues about sex, drugs, drinking is fair game, divorce is like nothing.

I think people in relationships need to be respectful of each others feelings. If what your 7 yr. boyfriend is doing is hurting you and harming the relationship, he needs to be a real man and stop this behavior.

Please, stay true to yourself. Sincerely, R.

Hi S.,

If you have fully explained to him the emotional damage and hurt it is causing you, then I believe leaving him would be an option. If you have explained to him how it makes you feel and he continues to do it, he is then blunting stating that your feelings mean nothing to him, and why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings?

However, if you've only told him that it's not "right" or vaguely explained your reasoning, maybe you should hit on some of the points that might get his attention; ie: it ruins your self confidence and hampers your want/ability to have sex with him, it makes you feel as if he is not satisfied/happy with you, etc. If your reasons haven't been fully discussed, whatever your reasonings may be, then he probably doesn't understand why it bothers you...most men have to have it spelled out to them.

Anyhow, I hope whatever you decide to do makes you happy. Best of Luck.

No, you are not wrong. Sadly you can't make him change if he doesn't want to. You have 2 choices as I see is. 1. Leave him because there is a really big chance that he will never see this problem as a problem. 2. Stay with him and learn to deal with it. That means no nagging him about it. He knows your views and he has chosen to ignore them. You might want to have a sit down talk with him telling him that you disapprove but you are going to do you best not to get after him for it.

REMEMBER: It isn't your job to make him holy, that is God's job.

I just realized that you two aren't married. Just so you know a study show that 89%-99% of men don't get married to live in girlfriends because they think they can get someone better that the girlfriend to marry. You might want to remember that.

Sorry if I oversteped my bounds.

Hi S.

I'm not sure you are really ready for the answer, but how about I'll give you just one example. We had one woman w/ 4 children and her husband of, I believe, 16 years. He had been addicted to porongraphy on the internet for about 5 years, she found out and couldn't resign herself to being second to his addiction. This was a Christian marriage, built on a foundation of trust and love. She confronted him and he wouldn't give it up. Doing the same as you have said. He wouldn't admit to his addiction, but would instead point fingers at her.

All of a sudden, she wasn't competent (except to everyone else she knew), her children weren't being trained well enough, (they were all above except one child, who would have been fine).

She went from being in a stable marriage, homeschooling her children, to having to get a job, put her children in school and find another place to live. All because his addiction was more important than his wife and 4 beautiful children. There is more ugliness than this, but you get the idea. He divorced her over this. His pornography was more important than their marriage and children. When she wanted to get help, he was fine!!!!!

What I'm telling you, is that this is an addiction that this man is not going to give up easily. Do you want your children exposed to this? This is not normal and it cannot be resolved unless he will give it up, which he probably won't, unless he sees a problem and gets help for himself. You will be the bad guy! There is no problem with him. This is his world and as long as you expect change to occur without some motivation, then you are crazy to stay with him.

This is just one example! You may contact me, but the question is really, "What are you willing to do, to keep your dignity and children safe?" Are you willing to be uncomfortable without a boyfriend or do "whatever" it takes it keep him?
D.

S.,
I know that when you are with someone for a long time, the "thrill" can sometimes flicker but that still does not excuse his behavior. In my past experience with this exact situation, my long-time boyfriend started with looking at pictures and progressed to chatting online and eventually cheating on me. You have every right to be upset by this and by the fact that he is not listening to you when you are upset by it. Try talking to him again and if that doesn't work, maybe try writing it in a letter to him. Sometimes allowig him to read it instead of hearing you say it makes a difference. Otherwise, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship...it may be time for a change. I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you were hoping for but you have to also consider the kids. If you aren't happy, it makes for a high tension home and children can sense that tension.

NO, NO, NO, you're not wrong! I would be so hurt & angry! What is the point of him doing this? Has he ever told you WHY???? It seems flat out sneaky to me. If he beleives he isn't doing anything wrong, than why does he wait until your sleeping? Do you think he would tolerate it if you were doing it?

Jess

Hi S.

No. You are not wrong. What's to say that he doesn't act upon his impulses and meets these women. If he truly loves you and is committed to your relationship, he would stop. But, it seems that he goes behind your back and isn't doing much to put your mind at ease. I would leave him and find a better man that has time for you, your children and that respects you. He isn't showing any respect by looking at other women on-line and "blowing" off your concerns. Good luck!

Ask him why he does it. Aren't you enough for him? Why does he feel he needs to do this? I'm sure these are questions you have already asked him. Remind him that he is supposed to be setting an example for your children. My exhusband did this too. He even went so far as to go to strip clubs. He even tried to encourage me to go to male strip clubs with a girlfriend of ours. They are now married and have 2 kids together. Go figure.

Be honest with him. Don't attack him, but let him know how it makes you feel. Talk to him about it. Pray about it. If he still continues, try and seek counceling together. He may need to do a lot of growing up, but is it worth it to lose a 7 year relationship over? Do everything in your power to help him see what he is doing and how it is making you feel before you jump the gun and dump him.

Hi S.,

No, not completely. The thing is, men are visual creatures, while we women are not. We don't need to see a guy naked to be turned on by him, so that's why we only have one major skin mag and they have too many to count. I feel it is degrading for women to pose in skanky poses (for lack of a better descriptive!). Your boyfriend isn't interested in meeting them, just looking. He's with you, right? I know that my husband looks occasionally, but in the end, it's me that truly turns him on. We had a long talk about it, and he does much less than he used to. Mostly, he looks at the work of other photographers, which has a mix of tasteful and not so tasteful images. Then, there's the "other stuff" that I don't approve of. It's like the poet Rick James once said, "the kind of girl you don't take home to mother" so no, this isn't worth leaving him over. To talk to him about it, you have to be calm and not accusing him of anything. Actually, the less you get on him about it, the less he will do. They're like kids; you tell them not to do something, they go ahead and do it to spite you. Some couples counseling might help.

There are two sides to the arguement, these days, is that online affairs or online "gawking" on one side people are saying no, on the other hand others are saying yes. I am with those that say yes. I went thru this in my own life with my hubby. But most importantly you have to weigh the pros and cons. Ask him how he would feel if he found YOU sneaking off to watch pictures of other men. To me it all boils down to a matter of trust.

I had the same problem. I started the same behavior he was doing, I looked at the guys,he hated it, he stopped.
However, I'll add to that.
I created a sexy online profile and contacted him and he actually made arrangements to meet "Felina" the 'girl' I became. I thought about showing up at the restaurant where we were to meet but didn't. Instead when he wrote and asked me why I wasn't there I told him a worse story. He still wanted to meet me.
That's when I told him, in person what I was doing.
Needless to say, I dumped him. We're still friends.
What he is doing when you challenge him is called in counseling work: "Denial blame/Shift the focus" and it's common behavior for teenagers. He is denying his responsibility in the matter then shifting the focus to you and what you're doing. That us generally successful in removing the spotlight from the questioned behavior most women fall for it. The healthy response to that is: "This is not about ME, if you want to discuss ME we can set a time to do it but this is about YOU" and stick to it.
You have to decide what you want. Because truthfully he probably has an addiction and there may be no stopping him. Or simply telling him he's crossed your boundaries into behavior you are not willing to live with may be enough.
Classically 7 years is the second 'jumping off' point in a marriage. 3 1/2 years is the first. With children 7 years is the place where the relationship weakens, 10 years is the next, then when the children leave home the relationship soars to greater than honeymoon heights!
I realize I said marriage but in reality there is no difference between 'state sanctioned' marriage and live in relationship which used to be common law.
Good luck! I feel your pain so to speak!
Hugs
J.

well if he is not listening to what is bothering you and he is not going to stop doing it yes its worth it
B.

I don't think you are wrong at all. If he is resorting to checking out girls online, there is obviously something he isn't seeing in you and if he is giving you grief about it, he certainly will not change. I would let him know that it is comepletely disrespectful, especially since you have already caught him doing it and that you are doing it under the very same roof that you both reside under. If you have the ability finacially, emotionally and mentally to leave him, I would in a heartbeat. You deserve better than that and if he can't see that he is an idiot!

No you are not wrong. I do not think they need to be looking online at women. Then it leads to talking then onto cheating. If you have time go into a chat room and act like a guy and see what corruption some of these women cause. Even if a man tells a women online they are with someone, its like they do not care and go away, they keep on and on and do not even consider the damage they are doing. Be careful and use protection. If he is looking he may be doing something else. Your stomach is talking to you, make sure you listen.

S. you aint wrong for getting up. but my husband would do the same, if he wasn't deployed I'm shure he'd still be doing it. I'd get all upset and get the same comments as you. one night he came to be about 3 hours after me, and I asked him why does he do it? and he answered me for once. He loves making love to me, he loves spending time with me, but just every night he's not in the mood for "sex". he just wants to look at other women just to get off. but he's always thinking about me also. I don't think you should leave your boyfriend. he's a man, all men do this. you wont ever find one who doesn't.. and if someone says there husband doesn't do it, she just hasn't caught him yet.. Sit down and talk to him about why he does it. I'm sure it'll be the same as with my husband. he just wants to get off but he isn't in the mood for sex. Let me know what happens. hope all goes well..

Personally, I feel that any emotion that you may feel about what someone who loves you is always a right feeling. Its ok to feel angry, upset and disrespected by this. And that is a Personally, I feel that any emotion that you feel about what someone who loves you is doing is always a right feeling. It is ok to feel angry, upset, and disrespected by his behavior. That your true feeling and anyone confessing there love for you should understand, respect, and accept that. Your feelings and morals are apart of who you are, And that is who he feel in love with in the first place. However, with all fairness, I also believe that if he has or was doing this before you, or at the beginning of the relationship then this is something you should have dealt with then. It is hard to give others ultimatums about things you accepted before, but no longer accept.

Try explaining the entire situation, your feelings, and how this really makes you feel. Let him know that you are not his opponent in this but that you all are on the same team. And being on the same team, you have to respect and look out for your teammates. Let him know that this makes you angry and feel disrespected by his actions and would appreciate it if you would consider your feelings while he is doing this.

Loving others put you in a place to compromise bad habits for those you love. But please remember that acceptance of unacceptable behavior can never be tolerated when it hurts you, and you should never accept less than what you want from your partner. Always require their best because you are giving them your best. GOOD LUCK!