Am I Selfish?

No you are not being selfish. I joined a gym simply because I wanted some time to just be me and work on my health. I mean with kids you have to be in shape to run after them. And if he has a problem with them being in childcare he can watch them three times a week or so when you go. My kids love the childcare area at the gym I joined. So when I say hey we are going to the gym they are like ok and hop right in the car.

Hello,

Just tell him how he would benefit after you have had a great workout in the gym. Hmmmm. He is just feeling left out. So comfort him and he will see with you.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. Luckily I don't work fulltime anymore, but I do EVERYTHING around the house. I don't belong to a gym though. How I get around it is to go to the local middle school track in the evenings. I take the kids with me and they play on the playground (right by the track) or run around the track with me. It's not weights, but it's at least cardiovascular and helps me to keep up with the kids.

Tell your husband that with his theory, that means you don't have time for SEX either! Exercise is good for the heart and for the sex drive. It means you care about your family and looking nice and being healthy. Your kids are old enough to have time away from mom for a period of time. Join a gym that has child care. Frisco Athletic Center has a teen room with activities for their age as well as good child care. Sounds like you need to arrange how you are going to do this but you can make it work! Do what you gotta do girl.

I agree with Amy C. I am sorry to say, but your husband sounds like a jerk. You need to take him with you to marriage counseling. He is a control freak and that must change. You also need to make him split the household chores with you, and split paying the bills. Why are you doing EVERYTHING?? Now go make an appointment for marriage counseling, and then go join that gym!! Good luck!! p.s. Have you husband read all of these posts. Every single post says the same thing - that you are not being selfish and your husband must change. I think it will be good for your husband to read this.

Could it be your husband is feeling insecure about you working out and looking better? He could be using the kids as an excuse to mask his own feelings or worries...

NOOOOOOO! YOU'RE NOT!!!!!I have the same problem then you, everything is about work, kids, home, cook EVERYTHING, I had to find a gym with a good hours for a child care, but you don't have to let your husband makes you feel that way, I work 5 days a week, and since a month i go I'm started to take care of myself, you need some relax too.Talk to your husband about it and try to make him understand how you're feel. Good look!!!!

How can you continue to take care of your children if you do not take care of yourself? It is not just about going to the gym excersize helps your physical health and mental health. You are not being selfish! I think it is your husband who is being selfish. If you are taking care of all house duties and bill paying what is he doing? Is he concerned that he may have to step up and take care of something you have been doing for years? I know that you could not possible write it all, but once again YOU are NOT being selfish for wanting to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children.

I always say, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" That could go for healthy too. It's not like you want to go out and do something that would be detrimental to you or the family. Could hubby be feeling insecure because your new toned body might attract attention from other men? If so, assure him that he's got nothing to worry about and that working out is good for your physical and mental health.

Good luck!

____@____.com

M.

Wow, I applaud you on all the things you do for your family. I don't believe your children need to be tied to your waist 24/7 in order for you to love them or influence their lives. It is the quality of time that in important. For your health it is important for you to care of yourself physically and mentally. It appears that your husband does not share in the day to day responsibilitys of your household. If you don't take care of yourself, you will get burned out, and become resentful of no time for yourself. People who exercise have more energy, has less problems with depression. Your husband will gain something more valueable, you might even have more interest in intimacy if you feel better about how you look and feel. If he is not willing or supportive regarding this, you may have to sacrifice a little longer sleep, by getting up earlier to get to the gym. I believe you need this time for yourself. Best wishes, and no I don't believe it is a selfish attitude. Try to present your case in a loving and good spirit.

You are not at all selfish! We need time for our self for our mind and body. If we are relaxed and we feel good our kids will feel that energy. It is very important to take time to breathe! I am a working mom of 5 children and I also find time for myself to keep me sane! Your kids are old enough they dont need you 24/7. You take that time and dont feel guilty!

Per your post and blurb about yourself, looks to me like your husband needs to step up and help out. If you work full time, take care of 3 boys and do all the housework and finances - I say join the fitness club. Your hubby won't like it cause that means he may have to actually lift a finger! Sorry if that is harsh, but there are so many husbands out there that take the "easy road" and put all the responsibility on moms.

I say join the club and enjoy yourself!!

Everyone is different and we all have different needs. The main rule to a household is, "If momma's not happy, no one's happy..." So if you need to treat yourself and make yourself feel better about yourself, then it makes you happy. In turn, it will make for a better home. Ask your husband to step up and tell him you need to do this for you.

:)

M.,

You're gonna get A LOT of responses to this one! The two greatest gifts you can give your children is a good relationship with your spouse and a positive, feeling of self-worth within your own heart. Taking time to be "just M." is not selfish, it's self-preservation to help you become a better wife and mother. Also, working out relieves stress and is part of a healthy lifestyle which will keep you strong and keep you around for many years to come! I'ts healthy for your kids to be away from you as well. Believe it or not, your relationship suffers with your children too, when you're strapped to them 24/7! From what you said in your profile you also seem to run the house. Is this because the way you want it, or the way he wants it. This is definitely not a 50/50 household. If duties can be shared (if that's the way you want it), then I would suggest talking it over with your husband to share the duties. I myself work full-time in my own practice and take care of the bill paying. I just prefer it that way and so does my husband. I just believe that their should be one accountant in the family--but both should be held accountable! It makes things a bit easier in our household. All household duties are split (I don't allow him to do laundry-*SMILE*) as well. Because we both work full-time, have a wonderful 3-year old and have passions outside of work (he loves to sing, I love going to seminars & learning about chiropractic), we are very well-rounded people and feel very fullfilled in both our careers and personal lives. Our son, by the way, we are always told how exceptionally well-mannered and well-adjusted he is from his teachers. Part of developing kids is exposing them to the outside world, relating to others, and new environments. Good luck, and have fun reading all the posts I know your gonna get!

No!! You need to feel good about yourself in order to take the best care of your family! If you're able to balance eveything, then why not go?

Nope, not selfish. But it sounds like you and hubby need to have a talk.

Can you sign the boys up for the club too? Make it a family outing where they do their thing and you do yours?

You need time to yourself! Your husband works, gets adult conversations and uninterrupted lunches. you need to take an hour for yourself. Anyway, when your sons see that you are taking care of yourself, that is healthy for them to see. You need that stress reliever and alone time. Your husband can stand it for an hour to hour and half. You go girl!

With 4 little boys(Yes, I am including your husband)in your home, you need a little girl-to-yourself time with no testoterone!!!!! No, you are not selfish. Your three older boys are perfectly capable of managing for a couple of hours and taking care of the youngest one. You will have more patience, calm, reason, and good humor if you have this little bit of time to yourself. I think it is particularly important for working moms. You truly have no time for yourself unless you make it. I doubt your four children are hungry, unkempt and neglected. Besides, working out gives you more energy and allows you to sleep better at night. Enjoy and tell your oldest child(yes, your husband) to step up to the plate and help more.

I am not sure where you live, but I would suggest working out for a quick hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays and taking the kids with you to an indoor swimming pool w/gym on Saturdays. The kids would love it and they usually have activities to occupy the kids while you get a workout in. You are not being selfish. If the mom doesn't feel healthy and strong, the whole family suffers. It sounds like your husband is being selfish. It may be a good idea to consider a session or two of marriage counseling to help the communication and work out some agreement on how to share the household chores.

No you are not selfish! Tell your husband if he wants a good wife and mother then you need some time for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take care of everyone else. Plus I am sure he would like you to look good, feel good, keep healthy and set a good healthy example for your children.

Hi M. -

I agree with several of these moms. One good point is that it does sound like if you go work out your husband may feel left out. I had a similar problem with mine. My friend girl and I use to go to Bally's (they offer childcare), and my husband had an attitude all the time when I would go even though I would take the kids with me. About a month ago we decided to start working out together everyday right after work before we pick up our kids and he seems to be a lot more receptive to us working on our bodies together.

Might be something to consider. Men can be a lot like another child it's just in there nature especially since you sound like you are a very strong person (handling a full-time job and coming home and handling bills and housework too). You are not alone I am so there with you. Hang in there and be encouraged. Remind your husband what it took to get him and you kind of want to keep his eyes on you and only you. Do what makes you feel good. Life is too short!!!

Selfish... no. He's being a jerk. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself... As long as your children being tended to and are okay for you to go to workouts a couple of times a week... go.

It sounds like he, himself, has security issues, as well as responsibility issues. Also, like he has a bit of a control problem because of it.

He doesn't want you to go to the gym because you might start looking good again, and other people might notice, and then you won't have "time" for him and family. You'll leave him with the kids, and he probably doesn't want to look after the kids.

Also, I don't know how you're spending money - like if it goes mostly toward you, him, or kids. If it goes mostly to you, then maybe he feels resentment and wants a little bit of something for himself.

I don't think its selfish for you to go to the gym. I think it will be good for you in many ways (i.e. rebuilding your body and health, getting "me" time, etc), and it will be good for the kids. A deeply impacting missing factor in many children's lives is the love, affection, and attention of their father. Fathers pay just as much a role in the growth and development of a child than a mother. I could go on about this, but I won't. LOL. If you want me to, just respond back, however this site works.

IF all else fails, with the argument, find a gym where your kids can either workout too (there are gyms like this), or find a gym that has a daycare center of sorts. :)

Hope it works out. God bless.

good grief, NO! You're not being selfish! Has he ever had the kids 24/7 for an extended period of time??? If he ever has, he wouldn't make such an outrageous comment.

Being a mother is a FULL-TIME job. There are no days off, no sick days, no vacation time, and no quiet lunch hour away from the "boss" (in your case, 3 bosses!). Your job is NEVER done and being a Mother is, unfortuinately, a thankless job. Your rewards usually don't come until much later in life when you realize that you have raised thoughtful, caring, independant, creative problem solving, socially adept, highly intellegent human beings who can make a significant contribution to society and human kind.

You NEED this time to yourself to regroup, refresh, revitalize, etc.

I'm curious if he works out and takes care of his self in some way. Or has he slipped into a "comfortable" middle age figure? My guess is that his comment has nothing to do with you wanting to take care of yourself. He might be concerned that you're going to evolve into a hottie "cougar" Mom. Perhaps meet somebody at the gym??? I don't know, just a thought... It just seems really odd that your life partner doesn't encourage you taking care of your health to ensure a long, healthy life together.

You should have a talk with him. Tell him that this is important to you for 3 reasons...

1. to set a good example to your boys by committing to a heathly lifestyle,

2. you are a BETTER MOTHER after having a much-needed hour or two to yourself,

3. You are doing this to ensure your good health so you can both enjoy a long, happy life together.

If your children were younger, then there might be a point. But, at their ages, I don't believe they even notice that we are around unless they want something.

Not at all! Being physcally fit and healthy is what gives you the energy to meet the needs of your family. It is also good for your children to see that you value a healthy lifestyle. Set aside a time when you and your husband can talk about your needs. Tell him all the reasons why you need a break. If you visit your family doctor, he may even prescribe "working out" to alleviate your stress level..Also,going to the gym is cheaper than what a lot of other mom's do to relieve stress: retail therapy...i.e. ..shopping!!;)

You are NOT being selfish! It's not like your boys are babies-they will be fine spending time by themselves. You deserve a break and to feel good about yourself. The better you take care of you, the better you can take care of yourself!

You're not only NOT selfish, but you NEED time for you. Your husband is wrong to say you need to be tied to your kids 24/7 and sounds like he might be jealous that you want your own time. You not only will have some of your own time by going to work out, but you will be getting healthy at the same time. I can't imagine spending an hour a few times a week at a gym will be your kids in downward spiral.
Do something for you, it's important and will make you happier. Your husband may not understand at first, but he will see a difference in your energy level and your attitude.
Enjoy!

Oh my goodness no, you go girl! If nothing else, do it for your health! Do not let him make you feel bad about wanting to do something for yourself, you're a mother, you were once a woman you know ;) YOu have every right to feel good about yourself and look good, feel good and be healthy, and just get away from the kids. You are not selfish at all, go for it!

M.,

It is very important to take care of yourself. If you are happy and in shape you have more energy and are a better mom. I went through the same thing. Can you go to the gym on your lunch break? That is what I do, or I get up at 5:45am and go walk with a friend. I feel so much better after I workout and I get a lot more done during the day. If you find a gym that has child care for the 6 yr old then the other two could workout with you. You could join as a family and they could play basketball or something like that. I would encourage you to find a way to do it. However, you do need your alone time too.

OK, I'm going to be blunt. You're husband is a Neanderthal. What decade is he living in? I have three daughters and work full time, and I if I could actually find the time for myself on a regular basis, believe me I would and my husband would support it! This weekend I'm going for some spa pampering; but my opportunities for "me" time are sporadic at best. My husband has his own "me" time on Friday nights (he plays in a band) and randomly during the week when he plays poker online. Does your husband, by chance, have opportunities for time to himself? If not, then maybe he resents that you will and he won't.

No, most definitely NOT!! To take care of your family, you must be physically and mentally healthy. You have to take care of yourself first. A few hours a week at the gym will not hurt your family. It will give your husband some guy time with the boys. Tell your husband it's kind of like the speech that they give you on airplanes. Put your oxygen mask on first, then put them on your children. If you don't take care of yourself first, then you might not be able to take care of everyone else. Good luck.

I don't believe that you are being selfish at all. In fact your husband sounds a little selfish to me. It is so easy to get pulled into the magical pit of I take care of everyone BUT yourself. You have to make time for yourself or you will wake up one day with the boys gone and you've not had a moment to chill and enjoy who you are. They are not babies and can be alone for a short time and you will be much better for it in the long run. They will all appreciate you more when you feel good about yourself. Take the time and good luck. Kay

Assuming you are not spending all day at the gym I do not think you are being selfish. A couple of hours maintaining your health is in everyone's best interest. It means you will be around longer for your kids.

A good compromise may be to find a gym that has stuff for the kids. I really like Lifetime. They have great facilities for kids, even the older ones.

You may also want to talk to your husband about any fear he may have around you working out. Sometimes men are afraid for their women to change. They get uncomfortable and can feel left out so talk to him about it and let me know that he and the kids will always be the center of your life.

Good Luck.

Nope, not selfish. You're showing your kids that you're taking care of yourself.

NO, YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!!! You are a woman who is juggling it all.. children, work, home and husband. You definately need to make time for yourself. All mothers need time to work on themselves and this enables you to be a more 'whole' person. Find a gym that is very kid friendly and your children will enjoy attending with you. Good luck.

M.--not only is it not selfish to take care of yourself and have some "you" time, but it is important! You will be a much better mother and wife. Your husband is being unreasonable and selfish. You are making all the sacrifices of parenting while his contribution seems to be primarily financial--not an even split. He should realize that everyone benefits if Mom takes care of herself. Keep it up! You deserve it!!!

Hi M.:

I firmly believe in the addage, "If Momma ain't happy, then nobody's happy!" You have to have time to yourself to recharge. And what's wrong with trying to get healthy????

I am sorry to say this, being a complete stranger, but your husband sounds like a real piece of work.

Good luck. You deserve it!

No, I don't.. If you don't take care of you, what will they do when you get sick or cant do it..

Perhaps you could point out to your husband that your are providing a good, healthy example to your kids by working out. You are encouraging them to have a well-rounded, physically fit lifestyle. Also, by taking care of yourself physically, you are hoping to ensure that you are around to spend time with your kids, and later your grandkids, for many years to come.

I'm proud of you for carving out the time to work out and wish you the best of luck.

M.,

Tell him this. The safety instructions on an airplane advise that in the event of an emergency, you should put on YOUR oxygen mask first, then help the person next to you. This applies REGARDLESS of whether the person next to you is your child, elderly, etc.

You can't adequately take care of others if you are sick and run down yourself. The health and welfare of the people around you depends on your health and welfare. You not only should, but MUST, take care of yourself to insure their wellbeing.

Maybe he needs permission to take care of himself too!!!

Good luck.

Is he kidding! Parenting is a 50/50 partnership. Everyone needs a little "me time" from time to time. If working on yourself makes you happy then you will be even more loving and caring towards him and your sons as well. Being tied to the kids 24/7 can be taxing even on the best of mothers. When you're drained physically, you can't be your best to yourself or anyone else. If he insists, find a gym close to work and go during the middle of the day. Yesterday I told my husband that I just needed to run an errand. I prepared dinner for the family and then went to the mall and walked around for a couple of hours. I just needed some time to myself to do something for me and I don't think anything is wrong with that.

How about joining a recreational center in your area. They have childcare, classes, workout facilities, etc. That way you can involve all of your children in your health goals and it costs a lot less than a fitness club.

Taking care of yourself IS part of being a great Mommy! You work hard and you deserve to have some time for yourself. Not just deserve...need. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself...you don't need to defend it, either. You have put your own needs on hold for I'm guessing 13 years. That's long enough...take some well deserved time for you!

Don't even feel bad for spending time on you!!! Remind your husband that if you feel better you'll live longer and have an outlet for your stress. Plus, your kids are certainly old enough to see the great example you will be setting for a healthier life style.

Not even close. I have had the same discussion with my husband many, many times. He doesnt' even want me to go to work part time. It was and is a constant battle. If it were up to him I would never leave the kids anywhere any time ever. You are absolutely not being selfish. I finally had to disregard his comments because I was getting depressed, not to mention friendless. You need to keep yourself mentally and physically healthy if you want to give the best care to your kids, not to mention it's good for them to see you being active and happy.

You are NOT wrong. We all need time to recharge and reset. If you don't take care of yourself, you aren't in the best condition to take care of your family. Evey now and then I mark "Mom's Day Off" on the calendar and I spend the day however I like, without my family. I go have a nice breakfast (alone or with a good girlfriend), get a pedicure or massage, go check out that movie I've been dying to see, or check out the new store that just opened at the mall. Whatever. And when I've had the most amazing day ever, without hearing "Mom!", I feel like a new woman. My husband is TOTALLY supportive of these days and doesn't even call me on my "day off". He sees what a difference it makes in my mental well-being to have this time for myself, and he enjoys his time with the kids to "rough it" without me to prove that he is just as capable of handling things, too. Just remind your husband that when Mom's not happy, nobody is happy. And don't you dare feel guilty.

I am sure you will get a HUGE response on this!! You absolutely should take the time for yourself. The boys are big enough to help around the house and your HUSBAND/PARTNER (does he get this?) should be doing his part as well.

I just heard about a book that I am going to get for my daughter who is going through the same concerns right now. The book is "The Busy Mom's Guide to a Happy Organized Home" by Kathy Peel. There is also a website FamilyManager.com I haven't looked into this completely yet but heard it is great for you to find time for yourself.

You should not be doing everything in the home yourself as well as working fulltime outside the home. It is impossible for you to do all this with no time for yourself and stay healthy...physical health as well as your mental health!! It is not good for you, your sons or your marriage. AND what are you teaching your sons???? That the "mother" takes care of everything!!! This is wrong....what kind of husbands will they make?????

Join that health club and make sure it is one that has a hottub, sauna, etc. and enjoy YOUR time!

i'm a new mom to a 15 month old little crazy guy but i've learned already that if you don't take time for YOU....your kids don't get the best of you..they get the drained and tired and resentful you....thats not really fair to them or your husband really! :) If you take care of you....you will be happier and be a better mom!!! :) Now, i'm not saying to spend any and all free time away from them....obviously that wouldn't be right....but working out is a great way to beat the stress and its good for you too! :) good luck and take care of yourself!!
S.

OMG - you are so not selfish. If you are a happy person, feel good about yourself - that will roll to the rest of your family. I don't believe that your kids could be happy if you are not. We all need to take time out for ourselves - first, we are human, then we are wives, mothers, etc. Your kids will be fine if you are away from them for an hour a day. Go for it - get the membership at the gym. :)

If you don't take care of you...then who will? Take your time to work out and keep yoursself fit and healthy. Let the kids enjoy the play area and all is well. You definitely need the "me" time but also remember to be there for your kids (and I know you do).
ST

Does your husband participate in anything outside the home and his work? Does he belong to a gym? Have any hobbies? If he is committing 100% to the children and family, then I don't know that I think he is selfish. BUT, if he does ANYTHING that is outside home and work, then I think he is being terribly selfish.

Most husbands I know would be pleased to know that their spouse wanted to work on looking and feeling great! But, then I live with a personal trainer so I hear it all the time.

You are not being selfish! Your boys are half grown; they don't need you all the time and your husband needs to help out around the house more. You deserve to do some things for yourself.

no, you are not selfis!!! sorry, but your husband sounds like a total jerk. It's the least you deserve...

It's not selfish at all. Hold your ground, and I'm sure the entire family including your husband will see how much less stressed and happier you begin to feel when you do put focus on yourself. Exercise is a great decompress and helps keeps everything else in perspective. I'm sure your husband is feeling left out, just explain to him this is not about him, it's about you. Maybe do a trial experiment for a month or two. When he sees how much it energizes you he will likely see things differently. I rely on exercise to keep everything together for me, including my sanity ;o)My husband actually encourages me to get out and run when I'm being crabby and stressed! Good luck.

You are far from selfish. You sound like you are in charge of every responsibility your family has and including the raising of your 4 boys.

It made me wonder what responsibilities your husband is in charge of? And does he have 'outlets' to do as he pleases? Remember he's the parent of these kids too and should be participate in the raising of them, which means spending time with them.

There is nothing for you to feel guilty about because maintaining your health is not only a great example for your family, but also something you deserve to do. No one should deny you the right to health and happiness that would come along with working out.

Your husband could be insecure about you improving your health (and body). He could also be a total jerk and not want to be responsible for keeping an eye on the kids for a few hours here and there too. I'm not sure which it is, but I would keep moving forward with wanting to work out.

Also, if he's this controlling on every issue, I would suggest talking to your minister/priest or a marriage counselor. There are deeper issues here that should be contended with.

Don't be made to feel guilty about joining a gym! It's not as if you are wanting to take time to go to a club and party! You are trying to better yourself-- which will be great for you both physically AND mentally... AND you can remind your husband that he too will benefit, as you will feel better about yourself and have more energy for the kids... AND for him!!

Get to that gym and don't feel guilty one bit!

Hi M.,

No you aren't selfish for wanting to take care of yourself. It's important that you feel good and are healthy to take care of your children. I'm a single mom and work full time, but I still make time to work out at the gym. Look for a gym with kid facilities it may cost more;(if you feel like they need to go with you) they can have fun too. Sometimes to change it out a bit, we go and run around a track at a nearby school (especially early mornings during the weekends). I believe it's important for our children to see us motivated about exercise and I hope that our example makes a lifetime habit for our kids.

No your not! More power to you if you can fit in working out! I work full time I have a 3 boys 14,almost 13 and 7! I try to keep the house going with alot of begging for help from the boys and my husband! I make him do the bills! I've been trying to work out just can't find a time that I can work it in! My husband would give the kids away if I let him! HA!HA! I would think in the long run your husband would enjoy you more if you had some time to just work on you!

There is nothing wrong with doing for yourself! Take the time to take care of yourself. Shame on your hubby for making this an all or nothing deal. Marriage and parenting is a constant negotiation. It seems as though there is no negotiation here because I don't see that you ever should have agreed to doing everything, all the time, with NO HELP. That's not much of a marriage. Maybe he's afraid that if you get out of your rut, you may start asking for more of a contribution from him regarding chores, parenting and financial management. If you keep going like this, you will burn out. You will become a disgruntled employee in your house, your marriage and in your life. 3 children can be wonderful and exhausting! Do what you must for yourself. Trust that little voice within that told you to do this. The little voice is right!!

Your husband sounds like the selfish one.