Am I Overreacting??? - Mission Hills,CA

YES i would be mad. The dr should tell you what she is going to do! 12 years old is still a child. Shame on that Dr!!!

I would have been livid!!!
She is still a minor and the doctor should have told you.
I don't even leave the room with my 15 yo, we have a male dr. I stay put, i'm her mom.
You handled it much better than I would have.

I would be upset that my daughter was upset, but not at the doctor. I do not like to see my daughter cry.

I am sure the doctor explained what was going to happen and maybe your daughter tensed (not surprising) and then daughter had regrets that she had asked you to leave, because she was nervous.

But No, I would not be upset with the doctor, doing what she had to do to figure out what was going on with my daughter..

Girls and women have easier access to their private parts, so a lot of information can be gathered that way during medical procedures.

Remind your daughter that even though she had asked you to not be in there before the appt. She could have asked the Doctor to call you in when this procedure was explained.. Empower your daughter to speak up for what she wants and needs. Explain to her the Doctor is working for her..

She will be fine, remind daughter that probably because she tensed up there was a little pain, so in the future take a deep breath and then tell the doctor she is ready when she has unclenched.. It really makes a huge difference..

I actually don't think this was too invasive. The doctor probably didn't realize this would be a big deal because it wasn't as big of a deal as a Pap test and she probably takes these swab tests all the time.

I do understand being upset if you do think this was a big deal, but don't read anything in to it as far as the quality of doctor. If there's an infection, they're going to swab to check it out.

In any case, it sounds like you had a good talk with your daughter and all is fine now. Hopefully the infection will prove to just be minor.

I'm sorry your daughter was so upset by the whole experience. I have to wonder, though, if your daughter may have had a question for the doctor, or the doctor may have asked a question of her that upset her when you were not in the room. Those tears may have not been so much from the physical pain of the swab, but for emotional reasons she couldn't really talk to you about. I'm not implying that your daughter is sexually active, but in wouldn't be out of line for that topic to come up between doctor and young adolescent patient, especially if she felt your daughter may share some information she would not share if her Mom were in the room. I would talk to the pediatrician, and talk some more to your daughter. Poor girl with a simple yeast infection not clearing up probably felt more embarrassed and ashamed than anything, while the doctor was just being thorough. I hope she gets better soon.

In all professions we start having blinders on after while. A vaginal swab is routine in a case like this and your doctor probably didn't mention it, because she did not think it was unexpected or a big deal.
Instead of being upset at your doctor about what happened take it as a lesson that you need to shore up communication between yourself, the doctor and your daughter
Most doctors nowadays don't take the time to have a conversation with their patients, but I would insist on sitting down with your doctor, discuss what the issues are you are coming for and get an explanation of what he or she is going to do.
If you find that your doctor simply does not have the time or bedside manner to do this, consider taking your daughter to a midwife for well women's care (yes, they do more that just pregnancy and birth) or change doctors.
Good luck!

I also don't feel it was that big of a deal. The Dr. probably didn't know at the time of telling you that it would be the same that she would have to do a swab. And although she could have stopped came out and told you it was just as easy doing a quick swab. You know what a swab entails...not THAT big of a deal. But your daughter was not expecting it and hasn't had one done before so I can see how she was emotional about it.

I'd just let it go, now that you've talked to your daughter.

Your daughter asked you to not be in the room and you agreed.

I'm not sure what the laws are in your state, but I do know that some states have laws that make it perfectly legal for minors to receive confidential gynecological/reproductive care without parental consent. Now, in your daughter's case it wasn't like she was at the doctor on her own seeking treatment BUT...it is a very good thing that these laws exist, especially for older teens who may be sexually active, may have contracted an infection, or may have been abused but are unable to communicate those issues with their parents. Naturally the ideal situation would be for a teen to be open and forthcoming with their parent but if they cannot, then it is essential that they have access to confidential, nonjudgmental health care. (Please understand that I am not in any way suggesting that this was the case with your daughter...I'm just saying that since your daughter asked you to leave, the doctor-patient relationship could have shifted into one of these 'care' type of situations)

Since your daughter asked you to leave, it is highly likely that the doctor interpreted that as your daughter's 'minor consent' to the exam. Again, depending on the laws in your state, if the minor patient requests care or treatment then the parent does not have to be notified, informed, or give permission.

I would not have been upset by this, as I understand how the law works in this case. Depending on the law in your state, the doctor may have had a LEGAL obligation to conduct the exam not in your presence and without your consent because your daughter asked you to leave. And, depending on the law, if the doctor communicated with you prior to the swab or sought your consent then that could be a breech of patient confidentiality, for which she could be in big trouble.

Though it was probably not intentional, the doctor LIED to you.

As someone who had a lot of female problems, including chronic yeast, at a fairly young age, I know that this probably hurt like hell and your daughter would have really benefited from having YOUR hand to hold. And I didn't have to endure any vaginal swabs until I was 18 or so...though back then, the doctors mostly just didn't believe me (you know, 'cause we women made all this stuff up for attention).

To this day, I am nervous about pelvic exams. I do it when I need to but I avoid them if at all possible. And I go into it thinking "Well, it's time for the searing pain." I am 45 years old.

You are not over-reacting.

Why would I be upset? The doctor was doing what needed to be done. Being a woman, we know these exams are not the highlight of our year. They can hurt some and for some they are just mildly uncomfortable. I think your daughter just didn't know what to expect. And I do think you overreacted. Just sayin.

Since you asked the doctor and she specifically said "just like before" she certainly should have be more honest with you. Once she determined she was going to do the swab, I hope she at least told your daughter what she was going to do before she did it (which could have allowed you daughter a chance to ask you back in the room).

I think I would consider a new doctor if that is not the case.

Yes, I would have been upset also. The doctor should have realized that this was a very sensitive exam and explained to your daughter and you exactly what was going to be done beforehand.

no you are not overreacting your doctor should have given you time to explain to your daughter what was going to happen and why. Stuff like that for a 12 year old is a little icky and she was totally unprepared. I think you have every right to be upset.

hmmm....If your doctor said "just like before" and then checked and noticed that she was going to need to take a swab I don't think you can be too mad. Would you have rather the Dr. to have left your daughter on the table, in stir-ups, while she goes down the hall to find you to tell you she is going to take a swab, or just have her tell your daughter and get it over with? I think either way would be hard for your daughter.
I think it's great that you discussed with your daughter what had happened and that now she is feeling a bit better about it. Just wait until the "REAL" exams start happening! :(

I completely understand why you are upset but imagine how it would have went if the Dr left to get you after realizing she needed to swab your daughter, tell you what she was going to do, then you would have told your daughter what was going to happen and see if she still wanted you out of the room all while your daughter is undressed from the waist down and probably with her legs up in the stirrups. How upset and embarrassed would she have been then? I think it's best it went this way and so smooth. The process would have been drug out and worse for your daughter if it didn't happen this way.

I would have been upset too. The doctor should have come out and asked for you to come be with your daughter or at least tell you before hand what she was wanting to do. Especially since you asked specifically if that was all she was going to do--take a look--she didn't do what she said she was going to do-she did more. You are totally right in your feelings. Your daughter should have been mentally prepared for that--she may have felt violated and I can't blame her since she had no knowledge of what was going to occur. I would call the doctor and ask her to please be more sensitive to your daughter's needs and let her know and you know exactly what will occur if she is to check for this again. If she doesn't agree or is snippy to you about it--find another doctor!

Good job mama!

molly

I would have been upset too actually. Really would have it taken so long for the Dr to have told you hey I think im going to have to take a swab sample on your daughter just to be sure, and then you can head to the lab? No probably not. She should have said something to you before doing it, your daughter may have been more comfortable if you would have been in there. Maybe the Dr didnt tell her either? Who knows, your daughter is still young and that kind of test is for older ones, so it was probably a little scary. Shes still a child, shes only 12 years old, hasnt even had her first cycle.

At least its done and over with and mabye next time you can both prepare better for a doctors visit.
Get some ice cream and forget about the doctors visit :)

I would have been upset. I have always tried to prepared my children for the things that I can. Of course things come up in which you can't prepare them but in my opinion this was big and you should have had the opportunity to explain to her what was going to happen to her. Whenever my children went to the doctor and were getting shots I always told them the truth and told them it may hurt but it will be over quickly. I think that builds trust in a relationship and is why I have never had issues with my children at the doctors. I also think a nurse should have been present during this type of exam. I am not sure if this type of exam was necessary, I am happy you told the doctor you were upset because you are right. If your daughter is uncomfortable now with this doctor then honor her wishes and change. She may now have trust issues with the doctor, if she is over the initial shock of it and is okay then don't be upset, you had no way of controlling this situation and in the future I am sure you will never let it happen again. I would have done the same as you did. I would never have expected that the doctor was going to do that. I am sure your daughter will be fine. Talk to her about it and then let it go.

I agree it was a medically necessary test but you should have both been informed at the same time and then let your daughter decide. She still would have felt icky about it, but the process of being informed with you would have provided some comfort. Because if you were able to share your view of the test being normal and important your daughter would have had the opportunity to process it with you. I think the 'alone' part was probably what upset her with such a new and very personal exam.

I'd be very pissed off and feel my own sense of guilt (though i'd have nothing to feel guilty of!). Doctors truly suck sometimes. I'm sorry your daughter experienced this. I'd talk to your daughter and ask her how she feels and if she wants a differnt doctor. Giving her the choice might help her feel more empowered and might even help her recover emotionally on some level. It might have felt like a violation for her so even if some women don't feel the same way, it only matters what your daughter feels because she was the one so impacted.

Good learning opportunity to discuss how to advocate for yourself when in vulnerable situations though. There are power dynamics involved with doctors so advocating for yourself isn't as easy as some may think.

Best wishes for a better doctors visit next time:)

.

I agree, it was rude of the doctor not to ask you first, since she told you she would just take a peek. If it bothers you that much, just switch doctors. Otherwise, if it would be too inconvenient to switch, just tell the doctor that you would appreciate better communication from her in the future.

I don't think you overreacted. I would have been mad also as her mother you have a right to know what the doctor is going to do and I think they should have told you. Especially with her never having that done and not knowing what to expect. I think you need to talk to your daughter about it and see if she still feels okay about going to that doctor. If not I would find another doctor.

Updated

I don't think you overreacted. I would have been mad also as her mother you have a right to know what the doctor is going to do and I think they should have told you. Especially with her never having that done and not knowing what to expect. I think you need to talk to your daughter about it and see if she still feels okay about going to that doctor. If not I would find another doctor.

I would have felt the same, and I'm a Nurse. Being that your daughter had not hit puberty, that was definitely something the Dr should have talked about with BOTH of you in the room, then had you leave to do it. Very unprofessional.

I would have been upset also , but more so that your daughter was not able to prepare herself for a new kind of exam. It is possible that the doc looked and realized a swab was necessary. My daughters have started their cycles and I did try to tell them that doctor visits do change as they get older. They did not want to hear about it and thought it was disgusting. I hope that by the time they need them, they will be more comfortable with it. But I better be told before the doc actually does do any swabbing or what have you.

if your daughter asked you to leave then it would be up to your daughter to ok the procedure. your daughter was probably tense for the pap or whatever she had done. i wouldnt be upset over it. i have a little girl and im sure one day she wont want me in the drs office with her. i would think that in they swabbed her they may be checking for something more then an infection (please i am not trying to say that your daughter is sexually active in any way). a vaginal infection can get nasty and they need to do cultures for them. my daughter is only 3 and i have full trust in her drs as well as i have full trust in my dr. my dr is male but i made sure that my daughter has a female dr for her own comfort level. if this dr was male maybe your daughter felt strange having him be down there. i would just explain things simply to your daughter and answer any questions that she has. you can also google the procedure she had so she can better understand it.

Find a new doctor. And tell your daughter that as a mother you are supposed to stay in the room, whether your daughter is uncomfortable or not. She is still too young for you not to be in with her during her appointments.

I think the doctor should definitely have told you beforehand what was needed. That's a difficult exam for a grown woman much less a little girl and you should have had the opportunity to have your "girl talk" first.

I don't think your overracting. You just want to protect her. I would've been that upset too, because if it's the first time you want to be able to explain what they're going to do and with what happened you didn't get a chance too. Maybe next time you can ask her if it's okay if you stay and maybe stand aside, so she can still have some privacy, but if something happens then you are there for her:)

you are not overreacting.
i would have been pissed, but i also would not have left the room!
i would have stood behind my daughters head if she was uncomfortable with me being in there. i personally do not trust doctors, especially if they dont have kids themselves. i dont trust doctors because they are human and humans make mistakes, it is our nature. the only person who knows best for your child is you (mom or dad)
next time dont leave the room!

I feel she asked you to leave the room for a reason. Is the Dr obligated to tell you if she shared anything personal? I would be curious why a girl her age would be suffering from a vaginal yeast infection...

I don't understand the swab if the doc already diagnosed her with yeast infection. Didn't your Dd get treated for it? Why wouldn't she at least tell you that she was going to put a swab up in your daughters vagina whose only 12 and a virgin? She could have broken her hyman.