Am I Overprotective or Is My Husband Too Lax with Our Baby?

I don't know about what else he has done but that is a huge NO NO! You NEVER leave a child and an animal in a room without unsupervised even if she was sleeping. Other things you might have to let go but I don't think this is one of them. I don't care how great a dog is with a kid a dogs only way to let them know they don't like something or to protect itself is to bite.

I do think you are a bit over protective but I also think that your husband needs to respect your fears as well. Maybe you could discuss it with him when you are not both upset about a specific incident. Tell him that you admit you know you are over protective but that you love the baby so much that you just couldn't bear for anything to happen to her. Tell him that you want to be a team and maybe you guys can work out a compromise somehow. Good luck!

This happens a lot when one parent is more cautious and the other is a little more relaxed about things. So, to that extent it's normal. But, you have to be really careful about falling into a trap of you always being right and your husband always being "wrong, spiteful, stubborn, unwilling to admit his mistake or change his ways".
You need to parent as a team and it might be a good idea for you to go to a parenting class or counselor to help you communicate your positions without one of you being right or wrong.
I think the very healthiest children benefit from the differences in their parents. There is a happy medium. Not all things have to be done one way or the other. It doesn't have to be all so very black and white.
I'll never forget the first time my son rolled off a bed. We were travelling and in a hotel room. I had changed his clothes to go out to dinner and turned my back for just a second to get his shoes out of his bag and on the floor he went. The baby was crying, my husband was screaming at me about not keeping an eye on him and it was horrible. My little one wasn't hurt at all, it scared him more than anything, and dad screaming didn't help at all. AND, he wouldn't let it go. "Can I trust you not to drop him while you put him in his car seat?"
Don't do that to your husband.
Accidents happen and yes, we try to prevent them. But if you treat your husband like a child, like he has zero ability to be cautious, you will draw a dividing line between you that could compromise far more than just your daughter's safety.
I doubt you meant it this way, but to your husband, it could have sounded very much like you were accusing him of not caring and then demanding that he admit he was wrong.
You would do much better with, 'I'm sorry for getting so upset about this, but I really worry about the baby startling the dog. I would feel so much better if we could agree not to leave the baby unattended with the dog, because that way, we know nothing can happen and I don't have to worry about it."

There's nothing about that to imply, "How could you be so stupid and careless? Now I can't trust you with the baby."
Even if those weren't your exact words to him, those are pretty much your sentiments here.
Instead of arguing because he won't admit he made a mistake, try to express things differently and agree to certain precautions.
I doubt seriously that he would deliberately endanger your baby.
Communicate and find that happy meduim.
Things will go a lot more smoothely if you do.

Best wishes.

Remember that your husband loves your daughter. I think it's critical that you trust and express that trust to him - that he would never knowingly put your daughter at risk and loves her and looks to protect her. Since we as women often come in assuming they should see things from our vantage point - and men most often don't - we come across as attacking and stubborn, too - which given you said he would not admit his mistake, sounds like he felt attacked.

Given this situation, I don't know your dog. However, I do know the dog I grew up with. ALmost every baby picture of mine is with our large German Shepherd in it. She watched over me all the time and protected me. I was like a puppy to her and she would put up with me as a baby pulling on her etc. When family friends she did not know took me outside without my parents, she went through the front window to protect me and get me back!!!

Given that - I would feel the same way as your husband about where he left the baby with the dog. ( Again I don't know your dog and it's temperament.)

Cut him some slack - he is new dad and adjusting, he loves his little girl but sees things a bit different. I know dads who love their babies beyond all get out - but they hold them way up high in the air - with one hand, they carry them around their necks when they are a bit older, etc.

Step back, take a deep breath and don't make this an issue to come between the two of you. This is the first of many pages you need to see that the two of you are on together for your daughter- coming soon is discipline, rules,etc. Allow for some difference and being open to his point of view as well. Have a great conversation. Express your fears, acknowledge that when you feel fearful you may over react, etc. Let him express his feeling, fears, etc. Agree to help each other and give each other time to adjust into these new roles. The find a good babysitter and have a nice date out together!!! =-) Good luck!

I think a little overprotective.

Is your dog an unpredictable animal who has shown aggresive tendancies toward your daughter when she pulls its fur or bitten someone else or is this a complete and "total what if?" If your dog was any of those things, and you let the dog stay in the house in the first place, and your husband knows that there is a real danger, then I get it. I just don't see it otherwise, even if this was not the best idea, and there is a remote chance of something bad happening, it is not reason to fight with the person you share your life with.

Unless there are tons of other clear examples of him doing things that are a real and present danger to your child and not just what if- what if- what if- then what your husband heard you say is that he is an idiot and damnit, he should shape up and do things like you do. If my spouse talked to me this way, I might be spiteful and stubborn too. I would not be surprised if he had the very same impression about you, and do you really want to be in a stand off about your baby?

I just think you need to listen to what he thinks because if this is the best example of how "lax" he is, then the rest of your examples must be really small stuff. A remote "what if" with debatable probablity behind it does not say "absolutely no sense of safety" to me, and all my kids are still alive and well (one for 18 years now) so I think your husband deserved more consideration.

One thing is sure, if you let every little thing that you do differently than he does escalate into an argument you are never going to get him to see your "side" of anything. If he is spiteful and stubborn already, picking a fight over a difference of opinion is not going to help him be less so. I certainly hope that you eggagerated when you said that he does not have the ablity to be cautious, because if he lacks the ablity, why do you ask how to get him to be more safety conscious? You just said that he lacks the ablity! That says to me that you need to step back just a little and look at his "side" because your "side" has some questionable logic behind it, and if your husband is anything like mine, he has already pointed this out to you. Try to put it in a way that even an "idiot" (who has his feelings hurt and is mad at his wife) can follow.

Drop the "sides" and parent together, he has just as much to say about this baby as you do. If you applogize to him first, then you just might be able to sit down and discuss this as equals. He disagrees with you, and adults do not demand that other people who disagree with them admit that they are mistaken or change their ways. My experience is that human beings respond very poorly to ultimatums anyway. Maybe he is in the wrong, but you went wrong by pointing it out to him like you did.

Unless you left out something like not using car seats, smoking in the house, leavng her in a hot car to get a six pack in the stop and go, passing out drunk while she was awake on the sofa, giving her peanuts, hotdogs, or grapes to eat...you know, there are so many really dangerous things that he could do that have no debate about them what so ever.

M.

A lot of moms tend to be too controlling and forget that Dad is a capable parent who doesn't have to do things mom's way, but this is a totally separate issue. Everyone knows not to leave a baby alone with a pet or even to leave a baby capable of rolling alone on the floor for just a few minutes. Hubby really doesn't understand how to safely care for a baby. If he is not listening to you, my suggestion is to take him along to the baby's next checkup and ask the pediatrician if it is safe to leave the baby alone on the floor with the dog for a couple of minutes. Let your husband hear from the doctor what a dangerous mistake this can be. Maybe the doctor can recommend a class on infant safety/health for hubby to take.

No advice, but just a comment. I didn't see anything in your posting that indicates you are an overprotective mom. Dogs are animals, and even the most gentle dog could be startled into biting if woken from a deep sleep suddenly. Your husband should have no excuses. This is just stupid. I have 3 dogs that I love as though they were my children, and I would never allow my son (18 months) to fall asleep alone in a room with them. Maybe Hubby needs to talk to the pediatrician or an animal-behavior expert or something

stay calm and stick by your issue. go to a family counseling session together and lay out your concerns and have them mediated so he can see the easy ways in which a child can be harmed, and perhaps you can seee that not all things are harmful. now, if the dog doesn't have a history of being aggressive, then I wouldn't worry s much about it. but, I who am also a dog owner, know they need to be watched closely, especially with some dogs who are more temperamental.

Could be a little of both??
Really though..what good mother ISN'T?

I know that My idea of being Safe is different from my hubby's, well at least a wee bit.
Him and my son rough house all the time, my son just turned 2.
Ever since my son was a baby I did what you are doing...you ALWAYS see the worst possible outcome, you can't help it.
Kid falls...you get an image in your head of him falling & breaking his neck..
Reality...no harm done.

My hubby has ALWAYS been more "lax" than me. But I then realize that he isn't TRYING to hurt the baby, and is actually more in control than it looks to me.
These days...If they're rough housing I just leave the room..haha

So as a mom of a 4 yr old and almost 3 I say stick with convictions. My husband to is lax in the safety department but we have agreed to disagree on things. As a mom your job is to ensure the health, welfare and safety of your child. Always go with what you think is best for your child and keep talking with your husband even if he doesn't listen all the time.

God bless and know that you are a good mom

Wow. Some of the answers thus far have been very interesting...

That said, here is my 2 cents:

Moms and Dads parent differently. You need to realize that and accept it. It took me a while to do that, especially after spending nearly 3 to 4 months at home with our first child. I had to return to work and Dad is a SAHF. I worried constantly about something happening - especially if he did something /I/ would not have done. But, I had to learn to relax. I learned that while Moms are more conservative, caring and sheltering; Daddy's tend to be more physical and yes, "risk takers". This natural difference is there to create a balance in the skills your child learns so that he or she can succeed in life.

As for the dog scenario, if you are really that scared, then, I hate to say it, but maybe you need to find the dog a new home. Yes, I agree that the dog is an animal and could react poorly, but the scene you described seemed peaceful enough and I really see no danger in it. (We own a boxer-lab mix that is about 50 lbs big!) Also, if it was for a few moments as your husband said, then I think you overreacted. You need to trust that despite not being immediately available - i.e. sitting right there - that he was close enough to hear her wake up/stir and come in to check the situation. I can not tell you how many times I've had to step out of a room to do something and left one of the kids, even as infants, playing on the floor. I am sure if you take the time to think about it, you are not always observing every moment of your baby's life. I mean, where does baby sleep or how do you get the dishes done or even more basic - care for yourself (potty, shower, etc.)?

Now, as for the last part of your question, the only way to get your husband to be "more" safety conscious with her (which by the way does not mean YOUR way); is to sit and talk like the adults you are. You need to pick a time, set a "date" even, and invite him to talk with you. Tell him in advance you want to discuss your daughter so he is not taken by surprise and make it a time when you are alone and both can be honest and are not emotionally involved in something that just occurred. Tell him you have witnessed some situations that have made you concerned and uncomfortable. He truely may not have seen the dangers you did or he may not know that you think they were such "big deals". See how he reacts and let the conversation evolve from there. Be open though to what he says and be sure to give him the chance to respond.

How you handle this situation and future ones like it will be a model for your own child's resolution skills in the future.

Good luck.
~C.

We had to find our dog a new home because we were too concerned with him biting our daughter. He showed signs but never actually became aggressive with her. We hired a trainer to come to the house and after a few weeks she agreed that we should find him a new home. I would never take a risk with my child's life and safety. You are right, all it takes is one second for anything to happen. I was recently at a family party at my husbands aunt's house. They have the sweetest dog, but, I never let my daughter just go up and pet or play with a dog, ANY dog. Well, 6 of us were sitting together in a half circle. The dog was laying down in front of us, my 2 yr old daughter walked up to see my MIL, not the dog, and the dog turned and grabbed her and had her forearm and hand in his mouth. There was nothing we could have done to stop that because the dog gave no warning, no growl, nothing! Luckily the dog did not break skin, he must have just been saying "stay away" because he could have really hurt her if he wanted to. You are not being overprotective, when it comes to your kids, you need to go with what your instinct is telling you. Maybe your husband does realize the danger but he is too proud to say anything and that is why he is being so stubborn. After several safety comments to my husband about our kids he told me that he was upset because he thought that I thought he was a bad father which was not true at all. I told him that I thought that he was a great dad and that we BOTH have a lot to learn about taking care of a baby and that if he ever saw me do something that compromised my child's safety that he should tell me. That seemed to appease him.

Just throwing this out there, I know how you feel about the family dog thing, it doesn't matter how much the animal is loved or has been 'good' in the past, it is STILL an animal!! I was concerned about my daughter playing around with my parents 50 lb dog, who by the way has NEVER been around kids until that day, I picked up my daughter and went into the next room and my sister AND mom were all offended saying the dog would never do anything to her-- they don't KNOW that, shes an animal!! I cannot believe how overly sensitive they were being about this, I swear it seems that people have trouble drawing the line between humans and the family pet.
I don't know what to say about hubby...I hope it won't take something bad happening for him to internalize what is safe and what is not for your baby... maybe you should find the article about the puppy that ate the small childs toes off and show it to him? You should be able to find it somewhere online. Good luck...

I wouldn't be afraid of my dog biting my baby .... BUT what if the dog stepped on her or something. I don't think you're being over protective. I love my pets, but like someone else said dogs are animals. Even the most gentle dog can "snap" and bite or just get really excited and step on a baby sleeping on the floor. Pretty careless (and dangerous) decision on your husbands part in my opinion.

Never stop talking to him about it! My first reaction would be to pray that god opens his eyes to the issue. Try to control the conversation and not let it go into an argument level.

Welcome to the club!!! I don't have an absolute solution for you but I want you to know how totally NORMAL your situation is. (Little comfort there, I'm sure!)
If your dog is a biter, they just cannot be left alone together, ever. Take hubby on a field trip to your local emergency room, maybe, or at least call them and see if they can suggest how you might impress this point upon your husband.
My husband will listen to reason much of the time but I still would never leave the kids with him all day every day. His standards don't even come close to mine. HOWEVER, my boys have survived to the ages of 4 and 2-1/2 years old, so far, so sometimes I question the level of care that they truly require. I like to think that the children get a healthy balance between the two of us and I try to un-clinch and un-cringe as often as I am able.

Guys don't have mommy instinct, so they are prone to not thinking about things like keeping the baby safe. It is not their fault, although you are right, they should think about these things more. I think the more you complain, the more you will come across like a nag...so it is best to use a well-respected "3rd party" to discuss these matters with him, like your pediatrician or (if's he's the type who doesn't even know who the kid's doctor is, much less go to the office with you) a good website, one that is preferably "cool" and more neutral, less "mommy." Maybe Parenting.com may be a good one, but there are so many you can probably google a good one. Then, while the baby is asleep, you can pull out your laptop or go the the desktop and just "mention" an article you're reading, about, say, pets and children, and then see how he takes it. Hopefully he'll get the message without being offended.

C., you're right on with the dog issue. It doesn't matter how wonderful a family dog is, they are still an animal -- and I've grown up with dogs and have had them all of my life. Leaving an infant unattended sleeping next to an animal is a BIG no no!

Now, I'm quite like you; I'm the safety mom and my husband's the "fun" dad. I think we women are built differently in that way otherwise the human race wouldn't have survived! :) But my husband and I a good balance together. I do trust my husband to be safe when I'm not around.

Why don't both you AND your husband enroll in a parenting class together? I also really like the idea from the mom below of bringing your husband to your daughter's first check-up, then you two can run some scenarios w/ the dr. and see what he/she says.

Also, like another poster mentioned, I also bring up things that I read in the news to my husband. Just the other day an 8-year-old boy in CA had tied his bathrobe belt to the top bunk in his bedroom and was swinging on it and somehow his neck became entangled in the belt and he hung himself. His 10-year-old brother found him that way, just a few minutes after he'd seen him. How sad is that?? So things DO happen.

Good luck!

I agree with asking your pediatrician what he/she thinks of the scenario. Sometimes men don't like to admit to being wrong (especially by their wife) and they need a third party opinion. I remember my husband playing with my daughter and nephew on the recliner in the living room. They were both standing on it, they were 1 and 3, and he was rocking it back and forth really fast. I kept telling him it wasn't safe and he was like "what's the big deal, i'm standing right here." Well needless to say two seconds later my daughter fell right over the side and whacked her head on a toy and daddy didn't catch her. I didn't say "I told you so" because he felt really bad about it, but looking back I wish I just grabbed her off the chair and said enough. Sometimes you just have to go with your mommy instinct.

I totally agree w/ you, he shouldn't have done that. Since he seems to get defensive or argumentative with you, what about if you go to a new parents class, maybe offered by a hospital, so a "professional" can teach you (re your husband) what is safe or inappropriate w/ a baby. Maybe it'll be easier for him to understand if it comes from a 3rd party.

My husband told me (e=when our son was about 4!) that he fell off of the changing table as a baby when he was changing him!! It's a good thing he waited 3.5 years to tell me b/c I probably would have killed him.
All parents are different. My husband would have not had a clue what to do.not to do with a baby because he has managed to get through 7 years of our sons life without reading O. word of informational material about infants/toddlers, etc. Sigh. That's just him
BUT he's an awesome dad--he freely gives his time, effort and wisdom to our son. At first, they are CLUELESS, but keep in mind, he probably was only away for a few minutes and IF she had woke up and IF she reached for the dog and IF the dog had snapped, he would still view it as a freak accident. Let's face it, kids can get hurt when you're holding their hands. You try to do everything to keep them safe and they still get hurt.