Am I Crazy? - El Paso,TX

This would also be a deal breaker for me & I would not be able to stay in a marriage if my husband was telling me he didn't want kids at all or not for a while knowing that the longer you wait the less chance of conceiving.

Start counseling real soon. I think it will help both of you compromise so that you are both happy with a joint decision. Best wishes

I did look back at your posts & see that you have posted this in different ways a few times as Laurie A said... it must really be bothering you.

First off having a child is something that can make or break a couple in many ways... that added responsiblity is something that both of you need to be willing to accept. Personnaly, I wouldn't choose to give up on my dreams or my hubby so easy... if you are willing to walk away from him cause you don't get your way, then I can understand why he would fear having a child with you. I understand that might seem harsh, but if the marrage is happy & healthy in every other way - why would you give up on him. He isn't giving up on you eventhough you are "broken" so to speak or atleast that is what my hubby called it since he could never remember what I had/have.

I did have a child in 1994 when I was 17. Due to a bad situation - which included my age, my in-laws have and are still rasing my almost 16 yr old (she is happy where she is & wants to stay there). In 2001, I got tested because I hadn't had a cycle in over a year & was hoping to have another child someday, and since my schooling was almost complete we decided it was a good time to start trying. I was diagnosed with PCOS and I even got a second opintion. I was told that I should be happy that I had a kid at 17, cause I wouldn't be able to have anymore since my overies we completely covered & that eggs would not be able to get out.

We gave up our dream of having another child... figured it was punishment for whatever we did wrong in life. I was also told that if I took drug I might have a chance, but the cost was out of my price range & I was told the treatment they wanted to give me would cause me not to be able to work since it was worse then kemo & I could still walk away never able to have kids. So, we choose not to do it & since I was "broke" and couldn't be "fixed", it was pointless to waste $$ on birth control - so we contunied to not use any.

In 2002 we sold everything we kept from our daughter at a yardsale & in June 2003 we put an offer in on a house. The week after we signed the papers on the house I started feeling odd, very overwhelmed & we joked about how life changes. Just for a joke someone got me a test & told me to take it since I was acting so pregnant... it come back positive.

Our 2nd daugher was born in 2004, with 2 sons to follow in 2005 & 2007 & I'm currently expecting #5 (a boy) on July 6th - that is if I make it that long. So, eventhough I have/had PCOS - I'm proof that it is possible to have little ones after being told you can't.

Anyways, here I am 33, married for almost 16 yrs, expection my 5th kid & the hardest thing for me is saying enough is enough. And noone seems to understand why. I think part of it is that I couldn't for so long & I fear the depression I went through when I found out I had PCOS, so everytime I talk about this one being my last & getting "fixed" I start to cry (which my docs note & won't even touch it after that).

Also, my sister has had 5 kids (and a few miscarages) and she has PCOS. But I do have 2 aunts that also have it & they don't have any kids... but one has many other health issues and the others marrage broke-up & she never got over the hurt of the break-up & never remarried or found someone else. So, I don't know if their issues are because of PCOS or other stuff.

As to your hubby - talk to him... without anger or hurt!!! Find out why he changed his mind mid-stream. What are his fears... and I don't mean you guessing his fears - actually listen to what he is saying. See if you can find a way of calming the fears or helping him through them. If I'm not mistaken... the words I said (and I'm sure you did also) was to "Have & Hold, in better & worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness & in health till death do us part. If this it whe worse - you are lucky in many ways... try to work through it & talk to him!!!

Never know - he could come home & be willing to start trying again. I wish you luck, and hope you don't give up on him so easily... if he had a bad past, you giving up on him will only cause him more issues in the future. Please don't do that to him if you truely love him & he is good to you in everyother way.

I am so sorry you are going through this, Nicole. I can't imagine what it would feel like to want a child so badly, and then not be able to have one. The only advice I have to give you is this.
When you pick him up tomorrow, throw your arms around him and tell him how much you love him. Let him relax a bit at home, then gently say you want to have a heart to heart with him. Hear him out, and listen to his fears, without coming unglued. Ask him to explain his feelings. Don't let him off with the "I just don't want to right now."
Once he gets it off his chest, say it is now your turn. "Tell him how badly you long for your child, and how good of a daddy you know he will make. And, unfortunately, time is not on your side to wait. There is never a "good" time to have a baby. If you wait for the "right time" it will never come.
I don't know if this will work, but I pray it will for you!
God Bless!
M.

Tuesday morning. You have now changed your name (Nicole P.), city (El Paso)and deleted your question from this weekend? What is going on?

Wow, I am sorry you took my concern as a criticism. I really am concerned about you. You read a lot into what I was saying about you looking at yourself and reminding you to try to not upset yourself so much. You sound very alone and that can be even more frightening. I apologize if I upset you even more. I hope that when your husband returns you 2 will be able to communicate what each of you is feeling.
I am sending you peace.

Nicole.
I am very concerned about you.
You have now posted the same question 3 times and received aver 30 different suggestions.

Do you have family or a friend close to where you live? Can you contact your best friend or someone that knows both you and your husband that can give you more of a personalized idea of what may be going on with your husband?

What do you want to hear? Write what you want down and pray about it. If you are not religious, meditate. Maybe contact a Clergy person and speak with them.

Your husband will be home and you will be able to see him and have a conversation about what you want. IF he can figure out what he wants/needs hopefully he will be able to verbalize it. If not, the counseling will be a huge help.

I do understand that right now this is all you can think about, but to conceive you are going to need to not be so wound up. It makes me nervous reading about how you have already picked out a stroller and crib and the doctor has only given you 5 years and your husband is in the Army. And I am just reading about it. Could be your husband feels really overwhelmed by your total obsession. It sounds like a lot of pressure.

Just breath. Try to take a soothing bath with candles and some herbal tea.. Put on some soothing music and get a good nights sleep. Be good to your self and rest your mind and heart.

I cannot imagine your husband would do anything on purpose to break your heart, instead show him love, understanding and patience. This will reassure him everything is going to be ok. You 2 can get through this.

Nicole,
I don't know how old you are or how long you have been married. What I do know I can infer from your post. I know you are frustrated and upset. But really, you sound like a child wanting to take her ball and leave the playground. The attitude you have seems to be "I want what I want when I want it!" Marriage is not a dictatorship. It's a joint venture. Don't force your will on someone else. There will be little joy in a baby born into a family where half of the family shows ambivalence. It will tear down what foundation of a marriage you do have already. Patience IS a virtue. When you do have a child, you're gonna need a LOT more patience than you seem to have right now.
Yes--you have posted very similar questions multiple times. Certainly not "illegal" here, but why? Just to hear what you want? Do you feel if we only knew O. more piece of information, the women on this site will rally and scream "LEAVE HIM! Give him an ultimatum!" Not likely.
Seriously, I think that perhaps the only thing worse than a husband who is questioning the right time to become a father is him becoming a father before he is ready. It very much may be the death fell for you relationship.
I think you need to learn a way to deal with being told "no" right now.
See a counselor, discuss your situation, but no man should ever be forced to start a family before he is ready.
Remember the vows? "For better or worse", I believe.....
What's the rush? In the span of a lifetime 1, 2 or even 5 years is not that big of a deal.

It is not fare for him to make you wait knowing the risks. Talk with him, let him know just how important a family is too you, hopefully he will come around. I would not stay with a man who denied me my children. No matter how strongly I love my man, it is not the same as the love I hold for my children. Tell him what you told us, and hope he understands just how important this is to you.

Oh sweetie! Just sympathy here. No judgement. I honestly can't say that I blame you a bit for your feelings and would probably be feeling the same myself. It is possible that he doesn't know the depth and seriousness of your feelings about this and sitting down and telling him is the only thing you can do. Try not to be emotional about it. Sometimes men shut down once the tears start flowing or if you start yelling (I'm a yeller). If he doesn't respond, you may have to take it as far as bringing up the D word and tell him you mean business. Make sure he knows that you are not only upset about his change of mind regarding the baby but his total lack of sympathy for the entire situation. Hugs.

I'd say "you agreed on having a family so you should follow through with it ESPECIALLY since in a couple years (5 is not a guarantee, it could be sooner. Couldn't it?) you have a very high chance of never having our born right to bear children."
I understand that he is nervous, but I'm sure he was when you guys were at the alter, right??

To answer your question no I would not leave my husband over this. To me children were not a pre req to me falling in love, so I feel there needs to be a solution with my spouse. I think you are very upset, which is completely understandable, and you are jumping to the last conclusion...divorce. There still might be hope though. I honestly think your husbands fears are reasonable, and even if you tell him he will be a great daddy, years of a bad home environment still makes him insecure. You can't erase that overnight. I also think your fears/pain of never having biological children need to be validated from your husband. I think you are doing the right thing by going to counseling. I am not judging you and I hope you find a solution. Good Luck!

You keep asking for everyone's opinion and as soon as you are not getting the answer you want you get upset and tell them to mind their own business.... If you don't want honest opinions don't ask a messaging board for their opinion.

And yes... I do think it is ridiculous that you would leave your husband over this.

Good Luck!

I think you guys just need to have a nice long talk. You've stated a couple of times that you think it's just his nerves talking. Spending a week apart might have been the best thing. I doubt he's spent the whole time thinking about it, but I'm sure he's given it some thought. It's so not fair for him to change his mind at the last minute and not really give you a reason. I'm betting that it just hit him hard and he needs time to adjust to the immediate nature of the problem.
It could also be that he feels if it can't happen naturally, then maybe you're not meant to have kids. (I don't agree with that, but that's how my husband thinks.) Perhaps, even though you have been TTC, he's been thinking of a baby in the "some day" category. LIke it'll happen..some day. Now he's faced with a time line. It can be a lot of pressure for you both.
My suggestion would be to talk to him calmly when he gets home.

Good luck to you! I can only imagine how frustrated you must be right now.

I'm not trying to judge you however I think your being very stubborn. You say that you won't let anyone tell you when to start your family. Sweetie, of all things, a child is something that is not exclusively yours. I bet you would feel agast if the situation was reversed and he was telling you that you had to get pregnant at a time when you were hesitant.

I actually think that you are still going through a "grief process" from your diagnosis. I think your coping mechanism to deal with the diagnosis is to get pregnant immediately--and when anyone (your husband, other responders to your posts) voice a perspective that is contrary to what you've already decided, you get angry... And the reason you get so frustrated and angry is because you haven't fully dealt with the anger from your diagnosis. My opinion is that you are emotionally stuck and fixated until you allow yourself to go through the healing/coping/acceptance process. (Please don't misunderstand me... Accepting your diagnosis is not the same as accepting that you will never have children. But you need to deal with the initial 'why me?' anger.) EVERYONE who gets an unexpected medical diagnosis gets angry from it. There's a natural process that you go through in dealing with it... I think your somewhere between the anger and denial phase--yes, denial because your solution is that PCOS won't be relevant if you get pregnant immediately.

There could be a number of reasons why your husband may be pushing back... One of which may be that he has noticed a change in you, your outlook, your patience, your emotional composition due to the diagnosis and it concerns him? Maybe he wants the 'old you' back? And maybe that's why he's good with going to a counselor... Maybe he wants to make sure that you both have a chance to flush the topic out, get the anger out, deal with it as a couple...

And before you say that I don't understand--I get it. I've been there. My husband pulled the 'let's wait a while' card. I may not have had a diagnosis that threatened infertility, but when your husband tells you that when your over 37, infertility is a very real possibility... And unfortunately, you just have to wait until both of you are ready.

I don't think you're crazy. It's great that you are going to counseling, do it asap. That should help sort out if it's just nerves or if he actually doesn't want children. Some men don't and he shouldn't be forced. By the same token, if that turns out to be the case then you will need to decide what's more important for you. I'm not advocating divorce, but he's got to be a willing participant to be a good father and husband. I have a little one and can't imagine having done it without my husband's help through sleepless nights. It's not fair to you to be deprived of being of mom. You've given up a lot of things for him and this marriage, maybe too much. That needs to be discussed at counseling too. Good luck!
C.

WW - I don't think you are crazy at all. It really is a sad situation that you are in. I didn't go through and read what other people said, but I did read the last one. I don't think that men change their minds about something like this. I agree with you that he may be really nervous, but it may be something else as well. I remember dating someone for almost 4 years. After two years I told him that I wanted to get married and have children and he told me he never wanted to! I thought to myself, I will wait around a bit so he can figure out just how fabulous I am and want to marry me. Well, he never did come to that conclusion and we had to break up because that was something that I didn't want to compromise on.
While I certainly don't think you will want to pick him up off the plane and say, have kids or we are getting a divorce! I do think that getting to counseling as quickly as you can would be great. That way he has someone to talk to about his fears (that you seem to know about with his childhood) and get reassurance. Or, it may come to pass that he really doesn't want children and then that is something the two of you can discuss with a counselor. If, after all that couple work, he still doesn't want children then a seperation would probably be in order. But that's just because I can't imagine not having my kids...and if that is something that is a deal breaker, and he knows it....then maybe you will be able to find someone else that is on the same page. I am not advocating divorce at all!! I am saying that is something to think about after a good amount of time with a counselor. (also, just a thought, but since he is in the army do you think that he may be nervous about not coming back and leaving you as a single parent?).
Lots to think about, good luck to you both
L.