Am I Being a Bad Wife?

My husband is the same way. He thinks I should be happy that he is so attracted to me. So annoying. I do this- wait until the football game is on and go in there and start groping. It makes him so mad, but now he sees where I am coming from. :)

My husband has been known to do this too & it pissed me off every single time. It's one thing to get a pat on the butt, but another thing altogether to be groped when you're standing there trying to make dinner. For me, it made me not want to have sex with him at all it put such a bad taste in my mouth. I had a discussion with him about it & it stopped for the most part. He'll still relapse every once in a while, but I've found that once in a while dosn't bug me.

ETA I saw one Mama said she started doing the same thing to her husband & he didn't like it either. In my experience, you have to time this just right because most men will give up absolutely everything to have sex. For us, the right time for me to pull this move & have it piss him off is about 3 minutes before he's leaving the house for work, lol!

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. When he stops moping around and is civil. I would have a serious conversation about how it makes you feel like an object vs a person. I think it is ok to be groped if done playfully and affectionately but if it is as you described I'd be unhappy too.

No T., youre not a bad wife, its annoying.
My husband does the same thing. Sometimes its funny, but most of the time its just annoying and I turned it around on him. I started grabbing his package every chance I could get and he thought I was just downright crazy.
Do it back to him so he can see how annoy it is. It especially pisses me off when he does it in front of a kid!

Contrary to what men 'think' about this kind of groping, it does NOT make me feel loved, especially if it is done in public or in front of the kidsl I don't mind the butt patt, the neck kiss, the dishwashing hug, but DO NOT put your hands down my pants or grab my boobs!!! Gentle and subtle goes wayyyyy farther with me.

It makes me very angry. I watch my FIL litereally stick his hands down my MIL's pajama pants and up her shirt. It makes me naseous. It has ruined that for me. Who the hell does that when there are other people around?!?

The fact that your husband gets so upset when you ask him not to do that is a red flag for me. I understand that he may feel rejected but it is your body and how it makes YOU feel (it makes me feel cheap, and like I am only a sex object, and does not turn me on AT ALL) is the most important.

I totally and completely understand what you are experiencing, as my husband does this a bit as well, although maybe not quite as much as you describe... (eta: my husband does not do this in front of anyone, or in public...)

And I mostly agree with Theresa N. on this one. I do think that men have different ways of showing love/affection/attraction than we women do, and different expressions mean different things to us. I KNOW that my husband equates my desire for him, my interest in him sexually, and my physical expressions of attraction to my LOVE for him, if that makes sense. If I'm more sexually active with him, he feels more loved. If I'm more touchy feely with him, he feels more loved. It doesn't matter nearly as much to him if I tell him how much he means to me, or if I do things for him to show him how much I appreciate him, as it does when I am physically/sexually close to him. Men are (generally) wired differently than women in that way.

For me, I don't interpret his walking up behind me while I'm putting dishes in the dishwasher, kissing me on the neck, then proceeding to put his hand down the front of my pants as "love." I usually loathe it. It does not have his desired effect, whatsoever. But while I personally don't like what he's doing, I DO understand his intention. That IS his way of expressing his love for and attraction to me.

I don't really have a good response when he does this, although I usually try not to be TOO admonishing... I will usually say a slightly playful "knock it off!" or something like that...

I have talked to him about this, and he does hear me, and doesn't get defensive... but I honestly don't think he understands or realizes how I feel when he does that stuff, because the way I feel IS NOT the way he'd feel if I were doing it to him... that's why I don't do what was suggested, to do the same thing to him at a time that's perhaps less convenient for him. My husband would LOVE it no matter when I did it to him. So that tactic would not work at all for me. I think the better way to handle it is to be honest about how it makes you feel and WHY.

I have said to my husband in the moment, when say, he hugs me, then puts his hands up my shirt, "Can we ever just hug or kiss, and you not grab my boobs or put your hands down my pants?" Followed by, "It makes me shy away from hugging or kissing you when I think that EVERY time it is going to be made into something sexual. Sometimes I just want to hug you and be hugged by you, or kiss you and be kissed by you. THOSE things remind my how much you LOVE me, but don't make me feel like you ONLY want sex from me." I have also explained to him, when not in the moment, how men and women (generally) express and feel love differently. Men need sex to feel loved. Women need loved to feel sexy. (Of course that's a huge generalization, but again, as a very general rule, I think it holds basically true.) And I've gone into detail with him about that, like how when he is loving toward me, hugging me, touching me non-sexually, etc., that I feel more like being sexual with him because I'm feeling loved... and I explain to him that I understand that he needs me to be more physically/sexually expressive toward him, and that makes him feel loved... saying it that way helps him to see that neither of us is at fault for how we feel about expressions of love, and to understand better where the other is coming from. Having that understanding keeps it kind of neutral, like neither is wrong, but we're just different. So to answer your question, neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong.' You're different, and you both need to better understand each other's feelings and intentions, and communicate those things to each other...

My husband seems to understand that language, and for a while, he'll be more affectionate without all the groping. It still happens, and sometimes I'll get to the point that I have to remind him that sometimes I need to feel LOVED without feeling like his sex object, and he'll step it down for a while.

Hope that helps.

Your not bad, your a human being. Its not his "right" to get to fondle you at every turn because he is your husband. Its rude.

I have husband that does the same thing. He tends to do it at the WORST moments possible. He is not gentle either. I have to constantly remind him DONT be like that. Its not that I dont like to be fondled, I just dont like it when I am in the middle of something or dealing with things not sexy at the moment. He is younger and more sexually driven than I am at the moment and I am nursing a 1 year old yet. It HURTS most of the time when he does it. He doesnt understand I am large chested, I have milk in there and they are NOT fun bags.

I try to be nice when I tell him to stop, though some days I am not so nice. He hasnt learned yet. Maybe if I started knocking around his fun bags he might change his mind about playing with private parts.

I think if he's over the age of 15, this isn't "normal" behavior!

And, yes, T., your feeling SHOULD count. His response is like that of a pouting child.

No.

Your body is still YOUR body. If you don't like it, then you don't like it. Would he like it if you pinched his nose every time you kissed him because it was something you liked to do? If you dropped his pants when he didn't want you to? Tell him you feel like expressing your honest feelings and getting pouting is making you feel bullied into compliance when his behavior is NOT attractive.

I'm a private person myself and especially after having kids, I want my personal space. I think that your DH is being selfish and uncaring and rude, frankly. To lift up your shirt after a hug when you asked him not to? I'd feel like an object, and frankly, I wouldn't feel very sexy. He's not 12. He can restrain himself.

Personally, I don't care if it's part of how he's expressing affection. I've told DH that I'm not comfortable with that type of affection and would rather just get a neckrub later, or a nice hug or sit close to me on the couch. There are lots of ways to be physically close without offending the other party. What happens when you keep doing things that tick people off is they don't want to be around you. He's not doing himself any favors.

Can you grab his crotch every time he's close or being affectionate? I mean EVERY TIME?

He'll probably get tired of it, too.

Your body, your boundaries... you are right to want to be treated in a way that allows you to feel good about you.. Maybe you can sit down with him and in a gentle way, have a heart to heart talk... I don't think it's the touching aspect that bothers you but rather it's the GROPING... however, he seems to confuse the two.. there is a big difference.. you might need to explain it to him..

I think almost all men act this way. It is annoying - and I used to get crazy frustrated with my hubby for doing it - and ya know what - after a while he just stopped. And somehow - that was worse.

A lot of my feelings of love are tied to physical touching - and when he stopped being all "touchy feelie" he also stopped touching me in general - it was awful.

Granted - we were going through a patch and worked it out - but during that time I felt really low - like he didn't think I was attractive anymore and didn't love me.

So - on the flip side - yeah - it kinda sucks to be groped everytime he see's you - but at least you know he thinks your hot and wants to be around you - you make him happy and your body pleases him - and isn't that what we want from our spouses.

:-)

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Use your "I messages." I feel annoyed when you grab me when we meet each other. Please refrain from this unless it is for foreplay. I feel like an object when you treat me this way. Please look at my face and talk with me or kiss me.

Do this at a neutral time and place, not right when he has done it. Schedule a talking session. Use a calm tone when explaining it to him.

Point out to him that his doing something to your body that you do not like is harassment. Not following your wishes about how you want your body treated is abusive to you. Point out that you won't be harassed or abused.

If necessary, point out to him what kind of "playfulness" you will accept.

The problem is that it sounds like an established routine. Breaking a habit is hard. Did you enjoy it previously, and now you don't? What has changed?

Be strong in your voice. Make yourself heard clearly, but pleasantly.

Good luck!

My husband does the same thing. I finally got so irritated by it that I started grabbing him in public and private every time I saw him. After about a day he said that I was being so annoying. I asked him, "So how do you think I feel?". He said he touched me like that because he was still turned on by me, and that should be a good thing. We agreed that in the home was one thing, but around the kids (I don't want my son to start grabbing me like his dad does), and in public it is a totally different thing.

My hubby is the same way. I have had to ask him not to do it in front of the kids and our family.
They don't do it to be rude or to make us feel badly. I get upset at times too and explained that it is a bit degrading. My hubby explained that he just loves all of me and is still attracted to me. I would just explain to your hubby how it makes you feel and to not always do it. Sometimes a regular hug is just fine.

I think you need to communicate with him. There are two issues going on here, in my opinion. First, it's clear that he's speaking to you in his love language. He equates love with physical affection, so he's showing you love the way HE wants to be shown love. But what he isn't thinking about is that YOUR love language is something different. So talk to him (and check out the 5 Love Languages book!).

Secondly, he needs to understand that while sex drive for men is pretty much "put the key in the ignition and start him up," for women it's "push to start, and let the engine warm up before you take her for a spin." He should know how sensitive those parts are, and, without gentle caresses and kisses and such, his gropes give you absolutely no satisfaction...his gropes are all about HIM, and do nothing for you unless you're already "warmed up."

Best of luck to you!

It is your body, he can not just do something to you because he feels likes it. My hubby likes to grab my butt, while hugging... I told him that here and there, when no one is around but us fine but not every time because it makes me feel like a piece of meat. Sure men do it because they are attracted to you which is great and all to know you are still sexy to them but if you are not seeing it in that way then it is not healthy for your relationship.

OMG! Are you married to MY husband? He does the same thing and I wouldn't mind except he does it ffront of the kids! He mopes to when I say something! I feel for you but don't have any advice! Sorry:)

I don't think you are a bad wife, but you might want to ask yourself if you can't look at it in a different way, and let it roll off you. Because frankly, its probably easier to change your feelings about it than to change his behavior. My husband is a grabber and an exposer (just in the privacy of our home). But, I could be cooking dinner, and if the boys are upstairs, then he'll grab my boobs, grind against me, and/or drop his pants. Its annoying, juvenile, and not even remotely sexy, but it entertains him. And, I know it really has nothing to do with me, for good or bad. Yes, at that moment, he is focusing on my body parts, but that has nothing to do with our relationship as a whole. As a whole, he definitely values ME more than my body. LIke other men, he definitely gets his feelings hurt if I rebuff him, so I've found its easier just to let him express himself. Good luck with whatever you decide!

My husband is this way - but most times I don't mind :) In front of the kids - yes... at home no one else around - no

To me - if my husband isn't groping me I know something is wrong. But that is just how our relationship is.

If you don't like it he needs to understand.

i agree with Theresa that this is how he expresses love. I'm a physical person and tend to express love physically more so (i guess if you qualify my language of love its definitely physical, touching, cuddling, kissing, and everything else physical..) most guys have this language of love. I think your feelings definitely matter but you should consider why he's doing it when you're getting mad...obviously if it was J. for fun and not him expressing love he wouldn't get all pouty. PLus when he stops completely you're gonna miss it. Why not J. enstate rules...with my bf, i don't like him doing it in public, because I feel cheap if someone can see, but anything behind closed doors or in a private place I love. Think about when and why it makes you uncomfortable and weed out that instea of telling him to act in a diferent way all together. Also maybe since you now know his language of love you can do this to him and express to him how and when you feel loved so he can reciprocate?

Wow. That's kind of juvenile and annoying, but this issue is a double-edged sword. You don't want to make him withdraw, which stupid men can do when they feel rebuked. Having the opposite -- a guy who barely acknowledges you sexually -- is way worse.

Maybe you have some good ideas below, but yes, what you want does matter, and a mature male should listen to you. There is a time and place for such things.

Of course your feelings count! So he has been doing this for ten years or so? Talk to him when he isn't doing this and let him know how you feel instead of making a huge reaction. Hopefully you will get more of a positive response.

The football game approach will probably make an impression as well!

I know how you feel.
Makes you feel like an object.
My (new)husband use to do this in are 1st months of being married. And I put my foot down, I told him how I felt and how somedays it makes me feel very degrading. I know he felt bad wen I said something at 1st. But you have to remember communication in a marriage will help it blossom.

Be kind but stern about the sittuation and dont b afraid to show your feelings on the sittuations, and on any other. :-)

It is your body and should not be touched in ways or at times you don't like. He needs to accept that.

You are in charge of your body. Your husband is a guest to your body. If you are not open to visitors, he needs to respect that..And not pout like a petulant child..

There are times, I am just not into groping or fondling. I may be tired, upset, angry, my boobs may be sore, I may just not want hands on me..

Other times, it is great. My husband always respects me and my wishes and needs and I do the same with him.

Speak with your husband and let him know this is not all about him. That you do love him and his attention, but there are times, you are just not in the mood.

I have to say, a fondle and a grope are different. My husband might fondle every once in a while, and he might get his wrist slapped with a spatula if he does it while I'm cooking, but he would not dare lift up my shirt for a quick grab n go without my permission. I don't think this is a "right or wrong" issue so much as a respect issue.

Let him mope. His hurt feelings can deal with learning a little respect for his partner.

This did not happen before marriage? It may just be his way of saying "wahooo!! this is all mine!!" boyish I know but it could be his way of saying that. I would bring it up for discussion again, not just when he does it and say, "it makes me feel like a peice of meat, not your wife" and ask him his intention behind it maybe you can both learn something.

I think we married the same man....lol. My husband gives me a kiss this am and grabs my butt...it's just him playing around...we've been married for 10 years! It's annoying at times, but I guess I should be happy we're still attracted to each other, haha! I do have to remind him not to do it in front of the kids...he used to have a lovely habit of "pantsing" me while I'm helpless washing dishes...until I scolded him good as my 4 year old laughs about it!

No, you're not a bad wife! If he was my husband, he'd have a black eye! Haha - I'm just kidding, but I would definitely tell him to quit freaking groping me. And then I would tell him to quit freaking moping around like a spoiled kid. Geez! Men can be so immature. Good luck!

Yes, you are correct to set boundaries. You are correct to speak your mind and set limits. I pat my wife's behind maybe once a week just to let her know that I'm still attracted to her, but I never grab her boobs just because I feel like it! That is what 18-year old boys do because they haven't grown up to respect women, love and sex. He just needs to come to grips with the realization that his wife is not a blow-up doll. Sorry you are married to such an immature horny emo-monkey.

You are not an object and shouldn't be treated as such, husband or not. You feel violated because in some way you don't feel appreciated and the intimacy is certainly not there. Every once in a while, yes, but to pull up your shirt and fondle you is too aggressive for my liking.

When he breaks the ice, continue to be honest with him. Don't be bullied.

My husband does the same thing and it drives me insane! I have been telling him I don't like it for 8 years now... But he did it before we got married and I still married him, so I guess I'm stuck with it. He knows it bothers me, so if I nag about it, he's not allowed to say anything since he won't stop. So, it's either fondle me and get nagged at or don't fondle at all. On the bright side, at least we know they are into us ;)

I agree with you T. - being overly fondled, even by your spouse, when you express that it's unwelcome; should be respected. Let him be mad. In the meantime, reassure him that you love him, but that's not how you feel loved.

I would get to counseling immediately. That's not something I would handle well, and if my husband insisted on doing it over my objections we would have a serious problem.

A neutral person might be helpful in this situation.

My ex used to do that, and got mad when I told him it made me feel like a piece of meat.
I couldn't sit next to him on the couch and watch tv without his hand going down my shirt and he didn't understand why this was a problem for me.
It made me feel as though my ONLY value to him was as a sex toy.

Your body is your property and your husband should respect your wishes on how and when to be touched. He sounds a bit immature. I think you should set some limits and make sure he follows them. If he gets mad so be it. My husband would never act like this unless we were playing around. He knows I would never tolerate it. Good luck in dealing with this situation.

My ex-husband and husband did this.

With my first husband? I told him to grow up. I'm not a piece of meat.
With my husband? I told him that I would be more than happy to grab him like that all the time and started to...he didn't take to kindly to it as I wasn't gentle.

Yes, there are times when we are kissing in the hallway and he grabs my boob and says "beep beep" but he doesn't just grope anymore.

Tell your husband that his behavior is that of a teenager. He is a MAN now. While you appreciate him being attracted to you - he needs to do it in a more appropriate way - show him what you think is appropriate way and work from there. It has to be something you both agree on - but you can tell him bluntly you feel like he's raping you and you will not be raped by your husband....that's the extreme thing to say if he just doesn't get it.

Updated

My ex-husband and husband did this.

With my first husband? I told him to grow up. I'm not a piece of meat.
With my husband? I told him that I would be more than happy to grab him like that all the time and started to...he didn't take to kindly to it as I wasn't gentle.

Yes, there are times when we are kissing in the hallway and he grabs my boob and says "beep beep" but he doesn't just grope anymore.

Tell your husband that his behavior is that of a teenager. He is a MAN now. While you appreciate him being attracted to you - he needs to do it in a more appropriate way - show him what you think is appropriate way and work from there. It has to be something you both agree on - but you can tell him bluntly you feel like he's raping you and you will not be raped by your husband....that's the extreme thing to say if he just doesn't get it.

That's how men are wired. You need to have a conversation with him and tell him what a turn off that is for you. He needs a strong message. Just know that's on the brain 24/7 and he needs to get some self control.