Always Try to Be the "Hero"

Well Ladies, I broke it down to him last night and explained how I felt and what my daughter and I deserve. He understood but didn't like what I had to say and that was "Were Done". He thinks that if he misses me in time that he'll want to change and be with the both of us, but to be honest Why would I want to take him back?!? I haven't even shed a tear nor do I feel like I'm going too. I actually feel relieved and so Thankful for all of the responses Ive received. Thank you again All!! Strong, Single, Happy, Relieved Hero here:)

A man's attitude towards my children would mean EVERYTHING.
He only loves her when she's "good?"
LOSE HIM.
You and your daughter both deserve better.

Stop blaming yourself for the man being an A$$. He just wants you, he doesn't want her. You can't make it work because he doesn't want to make it work. When someone dates someone with kids, it's a package. If they don't want the package, they don't get ANY part of the package. He does not love your daughter. He puts up with her when she's good so you'll think he's ok. He's not. She will pick up on that and it will damage her self esteem if you stay with him. Step back and REALLY look at his behavior, and you will see that it's HIM and not your daughter's "bad" behavior that is the problem.

Put your daughter first. That doesn't mean you have to always be 2nd, but when it comes to relationships, never choose the man, because you WILL lose the child in the end. Being 2nd choice to a man damages a kid - I know.

I suggest that this is not a good choice to be your daughter's step-father. He doesn't seem to understand about children's behavior or the needs of her mother, you.

How does he show that he loves you? I would expect someone who loves me to accept my child as she is. If he were to think she's not behaving well, he'd read or take parenting classes to help me change her behavior. He would not manage this by expecting you to get baby sitters.

You and your daughter are a package deal. This means that most of the time the three of you are together. Especially since you have two jobs and are limited in the amount of time you have to spend with her.

No you cannot make them both happy. I urge you to stop trying. You need to make yourself happy first. You need to meet the needs of your child first and those of your boyfriend second. Actually, you have to meet your own needs first so that you have the energy to meet the needs of your child. Your boyfriend should be able to meet most of his own needs for himself. You are a bonus.

Oh my lord, kick this man out on his butt and be done with him. He doesn't like your daughter or want her, and she will be damaged by this "man."

He's not worth it. If he thinks your daughter is bad, HE is the one who is bad. He's not facing reality, which is that she is a child that you must take care of, and who needs you 24/7.

If you find yourself being pulled in two directions- one direction for your child, and one for your boyfriend, then the boyfriend must go. If he truly loved you (and her) you'd be a team (as a future potential parent for her) and be both heading in the same direction.

I have been a single parent for 16 years. I have have no family in the area and a limited support network for sitting etc.

My son, for the past 11 years, has never even met any of the men I have dated.

When he was a toddler, he did meet them. If they showed impatience, or disinterest in him, I stopped dating them.

He came first them, he comes first now. I chose to have him knowing I would be a single parent. He was also "raised by daycare" - but, when home, there were, and remain, rules to follow with clear consequences for inappropriate behavior.

Kids are not always well behaved. Because they are kids and learning their way and pushing boundaries in order to learn their way.

If you boyfriend does not fully accept your status as a devoted single Mom, then he does not fully accept you. If he only "loves" your daughter only when she is good, he does not love her at all. Because when we love people, especially children, we love them when they are good or misbehaving.

Question - does she act out more when he is around? If so, then he may well be the root of the problem.

This man is not one that will enhance and enrich your life. He is not one that will share your joy in your child and help you through the rough spots.

He is not worthy of you.

After a year together, you have an excellent sample of what this man is like: don't fool yourself, this guy is NOT going to change. He does not love your daughter, he sees her as an annoyance. He does not respect you at all, if he did, he would NEVER complain that your daughter is around too much.

Stop trying to "make him happy." You don't make a man happy. He either is or he isn't. He should be trying to make YOU happy. This guy is not good for you or your daughter. This guy is not Dad or Husband material.

I am a single mother to a 5 year old girl, and there is no way on God's green earth that I would put up with any man who complained that my daughter was around too much or ever defined her as a bad child. Your daughter may not be perfectly behaved (what child is?) or perfectly disciplined, but she is NOT bad. And, it is NOT his call. This guy is waving HUGE red flags. A boyfriend who expects you to put your daughter in line behind him is not a man that should be in your daughter's life, and as such, he should not be in yours. A man who loves you will not expect you to constantly put your daugher second so that he can selfishly take up your time and attention, especially when you readily admit that she doesn't receive enough of your time/attention due to your wor schedule. You need to put your daughter first and dump this guy.

Please there is no way of saying this nicely. Your boyfriend loves you but does not love your child! Cut him loose, there are plenty of men out there that will love both of you!

You can't make him happy if what makes him happy is to have your daughter out of the picture!

I am sorry to say if he does not love her and good with her all the time you need to get him out of your life. You need someone that loves her no matter what and will put her first. I was lucky to find someone like that. For our first date he arranged with his mom to watch my son. We had been friends for a while so yes I knew her and so did my son. He never assumed it would ever be just the two of us. Most of our dates were the three of us. We ended up getting married a year later and now we have been married 11 1/2 years and he adopted my son and we have a 10 year old as well.

dump this guy.

I have been divorced 7 years. I have a 12 year old daughter. I am now engaged and will be married this Dec.

You will know you have found the right guy because he will want to INCLUDE her. He will take on THE BOTH OF YOU. Not tolerate her because he wants you.
You are looking for a guy who wants a FAMILY. especially at that age. If she were 16 and leaving in 2 years..... MAYBE that would be different. But she is young.

You think in your mind...... well, she HAS a dad..... so I am not looking for a father for her. So.... what ARE you looking for? At the VERY least I would accept someone who had "uncle" mentality. Or even "best friend" mentality. Because they would still be INVOLVED with her. They would still be interested in what she's doing. and her life and her development.
And - even though you may not be replacing her "dad"..... don't you want someone around who can teach her what a good dad SHOULD be? Since it sounds like hers is NOT an ideal role model.

You need to trade up..... and it sounds like you are making an even trade. or worse.... if this one doesn't want her around.

Also she's not "bad" because she was "raised by daycare". that's ridiculous. YOU are her parent. 5 is no picnic and if someone else is around the bulk of the time who is NOT helping then they need to go.

For the record.... .My FI has no children, and I actually consider that a benefit. There is no power struggle. NO comparison. No pre-conceived notion or idea of what is right. But he was open to the idea that I had a child and that she would a part of US.

You CAN make them both happy..... if you have the right guy. it sounds like you don't. So you will make him miserable and you will make your daughter feel like she is not important enough or good enough or that she is in the way. Sounds to me like there is only one way out of this.

This guy doesn't want your daughter... he just wants you.

It sounds like you've really worked hard providing for your child, and for that, you should be commended......

Put your daughter first in your life...... and find someone worthy of the BOTH of you!

i'd lose him.

Honestly i cant compare because my ex is involved so he gets my daughter one night during the week and then 1/2 the weekend. se we have time together (althoug when we have another kid we wont)...but when we were first dating i'd still pick up my daughter at 9pm on thursdays so w'e only really saw eachother a few hours a week alone, and he never once questioned it. he always said I KNOW emmy comes first and i'm glad you are that kind of mom.

After he met her a while later, she was always around him and he always wants more time with her. At times he suggests we offer to take her on nigths my ex is supposed to have her and he also takes off work to take her to girl scouts and to spend time with her. he treats her as his own and has earned the title dad in her eyes and mine.

I would never go for a guy like you're describing. there are better men out there who would look at your daughter as a bonus to the relationship and not a downfall

Be a hero to your daughter and choose her. Always be her hero!!

You love your daughter whether her behavior is good or bad...that is love. She can tell he doesn't care much for her. She will continue to act out...she is wanting you to choose her over him. She is testing you..that is why her behavior gets worse when he is around.

You feel in the middle now?? Wait til you are married to him, or still with him and having another unplanned baby.

Take a break from this man...and work on raising your sweet little daughter. You are young...and so is your daughter. Give her 100% of your love and give her security now that your love is always there. It will be such great example to her..and maybe she won't continue the cycle of having to have a man in her life to feel secure,loved and safe.

I wish you the best..but please..think of your daughter's needs before trying to make this man happy. I am sad that you do not have a mom...or grandparents. I am so sorry that you do not have family to help you. Don't make decisions out of desperation. Keep working your 2 jobs...be a family of 2..have fun together...teach her to make good choices..keep up with your behavior chart...and be a good role model.

YOU are the Mom.
Your Boyfriend is not.... a parent.
NO WAY... should you be treating your daughter or punishing her etc., just because of your Boyfriend.
He is not a parent, nor wants to be. He thinks a child is in the way.
He is, not the kind of guy to be with.

And ultimately, your daughter is going to be, and is... just a person in the way, to your Boyfriend.

For you to be a Hero... is to put your daughter FIRST.
And to know, when a man is a jerk or not, then kick him to the curb.

If your boyfriend, REALLY RESPECTED your daughter, he would not treat her that way... NOR would he put you in a position, to alienate your daughter or treat her like a "bad" child, when she is just being a child.
NO child, is perfect.
And your child, is only sort of... accepted by your Boyfriend, when she is "good." What a jerk.

IF a person, TRULY loved a child... they would not be loving only sometimes or IF a child is good or not. Loving a child, is ALL THE TIME regardless if they are perfect or not.
AND your Boyfriend, is a bad example of what a man is.
And then, your daughter will grow up... thinking that to make a man love her... she will have to be a doormat. That is no way, to raise a girl or any child, for that matter.
I wouldn't want my kids growing up with that sort of mentality, that your Boyfriend, has created.

What your Boyfriend does NOT realize: is that a child is NOT a robot. They are children. They are never perfect. And they are not something... that you push aside, just because you wanna have alone time with your Girlfriend. Even the most goody goody kids, are at times, not easy. They are children. This is what a child, is.

The bottom line is: your Boyfriend does not want your child, around. And he does not want her. And he does not want her around. And he is no way... of the caliber of a man, that is worth any time.

Why... sacrifice your child, and why sacrifice being a Mom... to please your Boyfriend and be his doormat? Why?

Your daughter, has a loser Dad. Then, there is this loser Boyfriend of yours in her life, now.
So, your daughter, who is only 5 years old... has 2 bad examples of what a Man, is. Poor girl.

Hopefully, after all this, your daughter doesn't grow up and choose loser boyfriends, either, once she is a Teenager and older.
She needs an example, of what being a girl is... that is being strong and independent and CHOOSING her partner according to how he respects her as a person. Not just for convenience.

I was a single mom too, at about the same age that you became one but I am now 10 years older than you. So I understand your struggle, I really do.

This guy is not long-term relationship material. The right guy won't put these kinds of demands on you. When my husband and I were seriously dating, many of our dates were at home, in my apartment, after my son was in bed. Dinner and movie rental in my living room were good enough for him.

Of course your daughter is around a lot - just like she will be, forever! And loving your daughter (when she's good) is not actually loving your daughter. Love, especially of children, is unconditional.

Please don't think of or refer to your child "bad" - behavior is bad, children aren't. And don't discredit all you have done as her mother - YOU ARE raising her, not daycare. Yes she spends a lot of time there, but so do kids of two-parent families. I worked FT with all of my kids (I now have 4) and I can assure you that I raised them.

I don't think you should waste any more time or energy on this guy. There are plenty of men out there who are worthwhile partners, who really get what it takes to be a father and understand that dating a woman with a child is different from dating someone without a child. Free yourself up to find one of those good guys.

Well he sounds like a loser. I too am a single Mom and even having my parents local I can't always count on them to sit, they have a life too. I am dating a wonderful man and he understand I am a package deal. I know he would like to spend more time alone with me, but it almost never happens. He sees me with the kids, and guess what, he never complains or asks for more. Now I know he wants to spend time alone with me and I know I need to try to make it happen when i can. But we have been dating for a little over 6 months and i think we have been alone maybe 3 or 4 times in that period. He loves me and wants to see me and he loves my kids even tho they are "bad" a lot. So the answer to your question of should you be a hero for this guy? Nope!!! If he was truly in love with you then he would be happy to spend time with and your daughter and you would be trying to as much as you could to spend time alone with him but he would never push it or ask for more. He would understand how important your child is to your life. You really deserve better, and better is out there. Move on so you can find someone else.

He has to be the hero, Dear-you are already doing the impossible.

First of all, the part about her ill behavior being the result of being in daycare is an excuse. She is not well-behaved because you are not been a diligent and consistent parent. Period.

I would NEVER have a relationship with a man who only likes my child when she's being good and who thinks she's around "too much." Kids must be loved unconditionally and just where the he!! does he think your child is going to go? He's just interested in sex and not into having his time interrupted by anything, including your child.

For you to even consider staying in a relationship with a man with that sort of an attitude shows what sort of a parent you are. Sorry, but true.

Your child comes first. Men are a dime a dozen and men like him are a nickel a dozen!