Almost 4 Yr Old Who Won't Listen to Dad

Do you ever jump in and "help" your husband when your son isn't listening? If you do, that might be part of it. I can imagine it won't be easy, but your husband has to assert that he is in charge as well. You will have to get on the same page first, but then let your husband parent him and you have to stay COMPLETELY quiet. If he isn't listening to your husband, let your husband dole out consequences. If either of them comes to you, say "this is between you and your dad" and WALK AWAY. If you have to tell them you have to go lay down and lock yourself in the bedroom. It might take a little time, but they will both get it!

think hard, have you ever "let him get his way" after him throwing one of these "daddy fits"? and yes, that means, if he throws enough of a tantrum do you 'rescue' daddy and do it instead?

what i would recommend (i had this problem too - im just as guilty) is just letting your husband deal with it. once he gets the idea that throwing a spazz wont get your attention, he should stop it.
im sure that this is the issue because when you arent around there isnt a problem. never let your child get the idea that he can play you and dad off each other. thats when you get the kid that gets told no from one parent and goes to the other to get a yes. you need to strongly back each other up even if you dont agree on something. if you dont agree on something, you need to discuss it when your son is not around, or something, so that you can have the discussion in private. if your child gets the idea that one of you is hesitant then he will play you! LOL.
usually im of the 'kids dont manipulate' ideals... but 4 is a little old to be naive to manipulations. kids are pretty smart by then.
good luck mom, and get well soon - hope your recovery goes smoothly.

Hi H.--We have this challenge at our house too sometimes. When this happens at out house dad and I sort of "gang up" (for lack of a better word) together and really let our sons know that dad and I have the same opinion about whatever they're tantruming about. I really try to take my husband's side and sometimes even just remove myself from the situation so that there's no "going to mommy" solution. Don't know if this helps, but I wish you a speedy recovery from your surgery.

Hi H.,

I've had this very same problem with my son, and we were, at the time, actually seeing a psychologist for some help with aggressive behavior due to Blake's inability to express himself verbally (this not being related, however I felt I needed to tell you why we were seeing the Dr. so you would understand that it was related to his verbal skills and that he was not a problem child).

Anyway, my son, Blake, knew the rules when Mommy was home and was use to the routine. Whenever Daddy was home and the routine changed, he would have "the MELTDOWN". UUGh! It was awful. He would do what I asked, but if my husband asked something he didn't want to do, he would freak out.

What the Dr. told us was that I needed to affirm my husband in my son's eyes, even if I didn't feel as though the suggestion was a mountain (not a mole hill). This was very difficult for me as when my husband is home our routine goes out the window. I made sure that my husband understood our routine, if there were going to be changes I could foresee, I would prepare Blake for the change ahead of time. For example, Daddy is home and we are going to do "the change" instead of "the routine item" to spend special time with Daddy. Eventually, this did all pay off.

Children are very manipulative, and sometimes we don't even notice. If Blake thought he could play one of us off the other, he did. Usually it would resort in a disagreement between my husband and I. That is not to say that we don't still disagree, it is just to say that I support him in front of my children, and we discuss it later behind closed doors. The exception would be if he truly is in the wrong, then you need to make diplomatic suggestions (LOL). I hope you find this helpful.

Thanks for hearing me out.

A.

I had had some of the same issues at times with my daughter. However, the hardest thing I've had to do is LET DAD DO IT no matter what. If she comes screaming to me or melts down, I've had to go in my room and close the door, go to the bathroom, or go to another level of the home so dad can deal with it. Then PRAISE your husband for his efforts. It breaks my heart not to step in, but it has been very effective and our daughter knows that when mom means business and now that dad means business, too.

Both of my kids went through a series of 'mommy' stages and 'daddy' stages. When they were in mommy stage, no one else would do but mommy. When they were in daddy stage, no one would do but daddy. This is normal for kids to go through, even though it can be a pain in the rear! He is most likely going through a mommy stage, but if daddy is persistent, your son will eventually switch himself to daddy stage. Kids take turns emulating each parent and they hop back and forth between who they prefer as caregiver until they get older and have figured out which parent is better suited to help them with what....for example, when my kids get hurt, they come to me...when they want to play ball, they go to daddy....Give him some time but be persistent, he will get with it quick enough, just keep talking to him about why mommy can't help right now, it may just be a matter of him having a question or belief that he can't explain to you. For example, my now 14 yr old daughter recently told me that when I'd had knee surgery years ago, she thought it was something permanent and she was scared for me. She didn't understand all the doctors appt's (physical therapy) and had it in the back of her mind that I was going to die because I was always going to the doctor. Talk to your son, find out his fears and questions and be patient...he'll get there.

H. - you may have to let him have a few meltdowns before this changes, but he needs to know that meltdowns and tantrums aren't going to work for him to get his way. If you give in after a meltdown, he has learned that it works to have one - you are reinforcing that behavior. Don't give in - walk away. Stay calm and talk to him in a soft voice. Talk out strategy with Dad before it happens. Tell your son he needs to listen to his dad. It's okay to remove yourself to your room or the bathroom to get away from the situation. Try to spend some low key time with him while you are recovering - get out some books or legos or drawing/writing, even sit and watch a favorite video, etc. Here's wishing you a speedy recovery!

I am guessing your boy is not sure why mommmy can't lift and play like she used to, and he maybe is scared,or worried,or just playing on that fact that you cannot do those things.
Things children don't understand scare them, and they don't know how to express that they are scared or worried, so they may behave the only way they know how....tantrums,screaming,crying. That gets your attention,so it is working.
It sounds as though it may have been happening a bit before your surgery...who knows, maybe he heard you talking about it, and not being able to do all the "mommy" things, who knows.
You also stated he listens to dad when you're not around....he maybe has it figured out all ready too (and I am not saying you are, because I don't know you) that maybe mom is a little softer than dad? Kids figure that out real quickly too. I can do "this" with mom, and "this" with dad..."this" with grandma. They know!!
Take it easy, let him know that you will be okay after you rest and recover, and remind him daily that both mom and dad are the rule makers and disciplinarians, and he has to work with both of you. You will NOT have him throwing tantrums and fits because that will give him his way.Kids are SO smart, they can read us faster than we can ourselves sometimes.
Good luck.