Almost 3 Year Old's Strange Behavior

My 3 year old daughter acts very similar. She always acts out more when we are together as a family. She is mean sometimes too, she does have a new baby sister.

Part of it for us is now my husband wants to be involved more in parenting and we aren't always on the same page. We each react differently to something.

I just keep reminding my self it won't be forever and try to teach her a better way to be. I think a parentng class together is best/

Even without tension between you and your husband, this would be pretty normal behavior. I see it in my 3 1/2 yo grandboy - he's crazy about his parents and grandparents, but has told all of us ocasionally that he doesn't love us, doesn't want us around, etc.

Your son operated in his first couple of years largely as a bundle of needs, emotions, impulses and reactions. He's more recently been gaining the intellectual depth to test the world in which he lives, and just as importantly, to put his feelings into a context of meaning. He wants/needs to find out how the world and other people work.

Up till now, "love" for him has been mostly about dependency, and satisfaction/relief when his needs are met. Now he's deepening his understanding of what love means, which will help build his capacity to feel and show it. And sometimes we all explore what something is by also exploring what it isn't, right? So now is his chance to learn about unconditionality - will you love him even when he is sad/mad/rejecting? He's checking out what happens when he pushes your affection away – terribly important to a small person who's still pretty much at the mercy of his own impulses. He probably is actually mad or upset, or as Marda observes, simply cranky.

This experimentation may be more intense in a home where unconditional love does not exist between other family members, especially the parents he depends upon. Babies pick up on body language, tone of voice, tension and mood long before they can talk about them. He wants to find out whether you'll love him no matter what, even if you don't love his daddy no matter what.

Lucky you. Since you're the grownup here, you're nominated to model impulse control, and to teach him about persistent, patient, unwavering love. Of course this doesn't mean you can show no emotion, but it's terriby important to screen your reactions for the many ways parents start guilt-tripping their kids. For example, don't act hurt or angry (you'll flunk his "test"), don't insist he shows an emotion that isn't real for him in that moment (this could set him up to be manipulated by others), and don't tie his affection to rewards or punishments. Just be a warm, loving sponge and soak up his natural and innocent tests. They will pass more quickly and with less fuss if you can do this. And if you can't, he could remain confused and uncertain what love means.

This sounds normal to me. He wakes up grumpy to a grumpy Dad. There are those who wake up happy and those who don't. He knows you're leaving and so he clings to you. At his age he's learning about object constancy. He may still be at the stage in which if he can't see you he's not sure you're still there. It also sounds like you're the more even tempered easy to be with then his Dad.

As to the statements about his Daddy not loving him and him not loving Daddy. That's very normal. He's trying to figure out his world. Does he say this to his Dad or just to you? Perhaps he's unsure of Daddy's love because he isn't verbal or demonstrative about it combined with grumpiness even if it's just some of the time. That's normal for some Dad's too. I would respond with something like, "I know Daddy loves you."

Saying "I don't love so and so, even Daddies and Mommies, is a common way of expressing anger at this age. You could ask him if he's angry and then just listen without trying to change his mind. Also, if he doesn't say yes to anger you could read to him books about feelings. You can find them in the library, and used book stores if you don't want to pay full price. Or you could say, I wonder if you're mad because of such and such. Another line is If that happened to me I'd be mad.

Your son does feel the tension between you and your husband and some of this is his reaction to the tension. I imagine the two of you argue and give each other the cold shoulder some of the time.

My granddaughter, who is now nearly 9, has always said to me I love you more than mamma. And she says Mama doesn't love me and I don't love mamma when the two of them have tangled. She also asks me if I love her more than Mamma or her little brother.
I think she feels insecure because she has lost a father and a step-father and her mother can be cranky at times.

When his Daddy is leaving does Daddy try to kiss your son and say a cheery see you later,.....? If either you or your husband are in a hurry and unable to pay attention to him he may feel anxious.

If this was me, I'd schedule 10-15 minutes of time with him in the morning. Mommy and baby time exclusively. Then pass him on to Daddy so that you can finish getting ready. I would help Daddy to find ways to entertain him in a room separate from the room you're in. Play legos, truck and cars, watch a kids' program on TV. Now that the weather is so nice, go outside and look for bugs. The goal is to give him a bit of loving before you leave and a distraction to help him feel better.

I found with my daughter and my grandkids that sneaking out while they were playing didn't work. They'd look for Grandma and ask when's grandma coming back. So I'd go to where they were playing, give them a hug and a kiss and say in a cheerful voice, I'll pick you up this afternoon or I'll be back in 2 days when they're at home. The day care provider would translate that into what they were doing at that time and say "grandma will be back after afternoon snack," Once this had become a consistent routine it worked well.

Most children fuss some when Mommy or Daddy leave. Change is more difficult for some babies than others.

A possibility for the acting out is that he is testing and testing. What can I do and what will Daddy/Mommy do if I do this. He may also be asking for attention. My grandson is big time teasing in an angry way kid. I've found that if I sit down with him until he wants to get off my lap his mood will lighten.
Sometimes he won't co-operate with doing that. So I send him alone to his room to play. It's sort of like a timeout. His mother or I say I don't want to listen to your whining. Please go to your room and come out when you can use your big boy voice.
All of this said matter of factly. Start before you've begun to lose your patience.

I think my grandson was around 3 when his mother started having this sort of time out.

In his room have a cuddly blanket, possibily a pillow, and some soft toys with which to play, books to look at. Sometimes it helps to put on some soothing music.

If he's acting out because he's hungry, give him a healthy snack. My granddaughter frequently gives her kids part of their dinner, such as an apple or a piece of cheese, while they sit at the table and she finishes fixing dinner.

Routine is important to these little guys. Do the same thing every morning. When you leave say the same thing with a hug and a kiss. Get up early enough that he can spend some time with you. Try to be cheerful (not fake or overly) and positive with the goodbyes. Don't comiserate with this. Express the positive attitude that you know he'll be OK

My grandchildren have favorite stuffed animals which they often hold during transitions. My granddaughter, 9, is staying overnight with me tonight. She brought her teddy bear and Grandma Moxley blanket.

Hi R.,

Well, first off, I would say you have two separate issues. One is that your three year old sounds like a three year old. The "strange behavior" you describe is very common for kids this age, most especially during times of transition--like saying goodbye before you leave. Your son is at an age where he is still practicing talking about his emotions, and comments like "I don't like you" or "I don't love daddy" aren't necessarily spot on in regard to what's *really* going on between the two of them. I am pretty certain, however, that it does make you and your husband uncomfortable to hear. Children aren't very adept at expressing the nuances of their relationship, and from what you describe, this could be one way in which your son is expressing his desire to be with you by dismissing his relationship with daddy wholesale. So, please, know that this isn't uncommon and rest easy that, unless some seriously dysfunctional conversations have passed between yourself and your son ("who do you love more?" or "mommy loves you better than anyone else does" kind of stuff), your son is probably just speaking to his own feelings of wanting more time with you.

That said, while he will pick up on tension between you and your husband, counselling is a great first step at getting your relationship pointed in the right direction. It's hard work, and often causes a lot of tension at home as couples begin to dig into the meat of their conflict. One way to allieviate some tension is for you and your husband to save any serious discussions for after bedtime. If it's possible, try to schedule a fun family activity that you both enjoy and would like to share with your son. My guess is that if your son can see that Mom and Dad still care about each other to be respectful and are bonded in their love for him, it will go a long way in helping him to feel secure. Kids are able to pick up on our tension,but not to such a degree that they would completely shun the other parent. I might suggest this would be a good topic of conversation to bring up in therapy, and to examine how much of this is your child's authentic feeling and how much might be some projection of your own emotions. I know that I'm guilty of projecting to a certain degree...we all are. We all think that our child is upset because of something that is bothering us at one time or another--we're only human!

I'm figuring that this behavior is related to the "sluggish" behavior your husband as described in your other request. You're already in counseling, so if you're both satisfied with the counselor and making progress, then that's good. However, you say that you are "irritated" when your husband is around and "more relaxed" when he's gone. Your body language and voice inflexion is probably rubbing off on your child.

Kids need playtime, attention, stories read to them. Sitting on the couch and watching tv (either kid shows or not) is not going to make for a happy kid. Your husband sounds depressed.

My guess would be that he knows you and DH are not getting along all that well, and he feels the need to take sides. He has chosen you over his dad, and he wants you both to know that. He does still love his dad though, so when you leave, there is no contest anymore, and he can just be with daddy. To test it, you should sit down and cuddle with DH sometime and see if your son treats his dad better when you are both happily together.

I find myself wondering about what your relationship with your husband was like before your son was born. Have you been together very long? Were you and your husband close? Did your relationship change significantly after your son's birth?

Reading your "A little about me" description, one might conclude that you are a single parent, as you do not mention your husband. Some of your parenting style, such as attachment parenting, co-sleeping and extended breast feeding, could also create a sense of marginalization for your husband. Does he share your parenting philosophy? I know that your focus changes radically after having a child. But that child grows up all too quickly. If you don't make time for an adult relationship with your husband, the connection withers. It sounds like you work opposite shifts. When do you have couple time?

Most young children are centered on mommy. Young boys often go through a phase where they jockey with daddy for mommy's affection. That could explain some of your son's behavior. But, he likely is also picking up on the unhappiness in your relationship, and this is affecting his behavior. Have you discussed this with your counselor?

I don't think that your son's behavior is all that strange. I have two boys (now 4 and 9) and I recall the same behaviors with them around that age. For some reason, children often want the attention or feel closer to the parent of the opposite sex. As long as you and your husband both have a positive relationship with your son, it should pass in time. Hang in there, I have a "grumpy" husband too! S.

Hey R.. I don't have any good advice for you because I am in the same situation. Since my daughter was born, it has basically been just me taking care of her. I did pretty much everything and still do. Rarely will he pitch in and when he does it is because I sat there and nagged him for awhile. I was fine with this situation for a little while, but now our daughter is 4 and I am starting to become annoyed. Ever since she began to talk, she has treated him differently. She seems happiest when it is just me and her and rarely will go and give him hugs and kisses on her own accord. She constantly tattles on him for everything he does like "Mom, daddy is eating all the butter!" when he is just getting a snack. He also teases her a lot which makes me mad because she just ends up crying. He says its funny. I don't understand their relationship and don't know what to do about it. I am afraid it will have reprocussions but don't know how to make it better. He always blames me and says "you don't encourage me as a Father. It makes me not even want to try" and I am like WHAT?? Shouldn't you WANT to be a good father? I don't get it and am at the end of my rope. I thought that maybe it was something he would grow out of, but I am not so sure. I think he likes that I take care of everything and he get's to sit back and relax. Sorry for blabbing on, but I just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel. Feel free to contact me if you ever want to vent because if you feel the way I do, then you will definitely need to vent. e-mail me if you want at ____@____.com.