Alcoholic Grandparents and Visits

I think he needs to be the one to tell them not to come or not to stay with you. If the reason is they are alcoholics and poor houseguests, then when the topic comes up, say exactly that. No need to pussyfoot around when he doesn't care about the relationship anyway.

When they start making plans to come visit make plans to be somewhere else at that time.

Tell them you are remodeling and if they come they'll need to pay for a hotel and stay there most of the time.

Tell them you are sick with the flu and if they come they'll probably get it.

See if hubby can just learn to say no thanks, we are really busy at that time and aren't going to be able to have company.

Move away...lol...

what a sad situation. i can't help but notice that your second observation about your in-laws is your MIL's obesity. how much does that play into your overall distaste for them?
they're elderly, ill, and probably won't be around much longer. i totally get not wanting them plopped in your living room making messes, but what sort of sop can you throw your poor husband? this is his mom and dad. presumably he isn't with you in cutting them out of your lives. can you compromise by going to visit with them but stay in a hotel? have them visit once a year, and put them up in a nice B&B? there has to be a happy medium that you can live with. it's not likely that you'll have to do it for decades, right?
khairete
S.

These are your husband's parents and you don't want them in your house. It is pretty sad you have this much disrespect toward them.

You do as you please and whatever works with you and your husband.

HOWEVER, you are modeling this behavior and attitude in front of your children and someday, your children make feel it is ok to brush you aside and out of their life for whatever reason they come up with because you are the one who set the tone and modeled the behavior.

As hard as it is for you, I would set an example of a loving, giving and forgiving mom in front of my children.

You are teaching your children how to treat you and your husband someday when you are older and not so much fun to be around anymore.

What is your goal? Do you want to sever relations with your husbands elderly parents altogether? Is your husband ok with that? You are not likely going to change them.

Personally, I would just accept the fact that my husbands parents are old alcoholics and just put up with them when they come to visit, or I would go and visit them instead. They aren't going to live forever and they are your husbands parents. You will set a better example for your kids than if you teach them it is ok to abandon our elders when they are old and sick.

When they come to visit you don't need to leave the kids alone with them. I wouldn't normally leave my kids alone with houseguests. They are guests, not babysitters.

ETA: ooohhh readig your SWH - I 100% agree with TF/Plano!! You are teaching your children how to treat you...and it's evident you do NOT like his parents. YIKES!! If they are somewhat estranged - why are they making the effort to even visit?? They are TRYING...which is more than you are doing..you are letting your hatred for them spew out around you....watch what you wish for...you might just get THIS type of treatment from YOUR kids...

N.,

Your husband's parents? He needs to deal with it. PRIOR to him dealing with it, you BOTH need to be on the same page and talk with each other to figure out each other's feelings and how you both want to handle this.

You need to let him know how you feel and your resentment you are feeling. The conversation should be stated as "I feel" and don't use "your parents" use their names and state "I FEEL"...then he needs to address the issue with them.

You both need to be on the same page...but ultimately, it's his responsible for taking his parents about this.

Good luck!

What's your husband's opinion on this? It sounds like this is a conversation you need to have with him and then he needs to have with his parents.

My grandmother was an abusive alcoholic all throughout my mom's childhood. When I was really young, my mom got brave and told my grandma that she wouldn't be able to see me any more unless she quit drinking. Well, my grandma checked herself into rehab right then, stayed there for three months and has been sober ever since. I grew up with her as one of my closest relatives, she's an amazing woman, and I would definitely be a different person without having had her in my life. She and my mom have a million times better relationship now too.

Your husband would have to be the one to send the message since they're his parents, but who knows - it may be just the kick in the pants they need.

Did you diagnose them as alcoholics? Or did you label them that because you don't like them?

I agree with TF that you are teaching your children how to behave and how to treat you and others now and in the future.

It's not your job or place to tell them they are no longer welcome in your home. It is your husband's place since they are his parents. I'm glad to see that someone else caught the estranged part of your update. They come to your home and are trying to have a relationship. Why can't you bite your tongue and be a good host for a few days?

Doing that will teach your children how to treat others, even if you don't like them. You've been on here long enough. You see how some people treat members and wonder how they treat their friends if they can't respect people on-line?

I say you need to take a step back and find out why you do not like these people. If you don't want them to drink in your home? Don't provide alcohol. But treat them with respect and be nice.

I don't really understand what's so hard about feeding people and cleaning up after them for a few days. I assume it's no longer than about 4 days?

Why do you care if she's an alcoholic? It's her life, and she wants to live it buzzed. IMO, once people are in their 70's, they get to do what they want (if not sooner). As long as they are not being mean, why the heck does it matter if she drinks?

I think you need to do the right and the good thing, which is to be kind and giving for a few days. Talk to them in whatever way they wish. Why does the conversation need to be "coherent?" Just nod and listen when they talk.

Who said you need to leave your kids alone with them? Don't leave the kids alone with them. Play games with the kids and their grandparents for 4 days, while they are plopped on the sofa.

This is about giving unselfishly to others, which is one of the best things you can model to your kids. The grandparents are in their 70's, and if they are obese, they probably won't be around much longer. You can endure it for a few days.

If the problem is the length of the visit, just set the boundaries for that before they show up. I think you are being unkind.

It's your husband's responsibility. Where is he in this?

Has he accepted, and is he dealing with their alcoholism? If no, then AlAnon is the first stop for both of you.

I agree with Diane D.
This is your husbands decision.
How would you like it if he decided your parents were no longer welcome in your home?

Go to Alanon.
They will help you formulate boundaries and strategies.
I would not leave my children in their care--ever.

These are sick people. You need to inform yourself about dealing with their disease in the healthiest way you can.
Good luck!

First try to just stop inviting them. It's possible that the trip to see you is already a pain in the neck for them and they just do it because you ask.

Also, make your home unavailable for overnight guests. Sometimes the idea that they will have to pay for x-days/weeks in a hotel will discourage a person from wanting to visit. If you have a guest room, get rid of the bed and convert it to an office or something. All future visitors have to stay in a hotel.

With rare exception, adult people sleeping here feels like an invasion of my personal space. I intentionally don't have room for overnight guests. None of my kids grandparents have ever spent the night in my home.

When people do visit, our house rules apply. No smoking indoors. Even if the weather is awful, the choice is to not smoke or to go out in it. My husband's father is an alcoholic. When he visits we do not serve alcoholic beverages, and we don't go places that serve either. While he is actively with us, he's dry because there is no opportunity. He's never done the water-bottle thing, but I am not kidding when I'd say to him, "This is not okay to do." and take it from him.

(Similarly, we once arrived on time for an expected visit to his place and had to say, "You need to put on pants before we bring the kids in." Awkward then, funny story now.)

Philosophically, I don't think you have any obligations. Just because they are genetic relatives doesn't matter. Just because they are older doesn't matter. Life should be spent with people that you actually like to be around. Your family is created by those you choose to surround yourself with, not biology.

In case it needs saying, this is something that you and your husband have to be on the same page about and stand united in your decisions. If you're not in agreement, compromises must be made.

Teaching your kids that they do not have to suffer through the company of toxic people is a good thing. I disagree with the people that say you need to teach your kids to put up with nonsense behavior from others. They don't, and shouldn't. It isn't healthy. By all means be kind and compassionate, but not to the detriment of yourself or children. There is a middle ground here.

I agree it's your husband's fight.

However- is there an option for you guys to go to them to visit? That way you are in a hotel, you can meet on neutral territory (like a restaurant etc) and you have some additional "control" over *leaving* when it gets too stressful.

What's irritating about your question is some of your complaints sound very petty (they are obese and don't play with your kids enough). My MIL is overweight and has trouble with energy to play with the kids, so we cheerfully got her a rented scooter when she agreed to go to the zoo with us. She is 70 and I am happy she is willing to make the trip at all.

Meanwhile the secret drinking from water bottles is a whole different, more valid issue. IMO you could just outright tell them no drinking when they visit, and don't bother bringing water bottles because you'll purchase a case of bottled water for them. If they decide not to visit because the house is now dry, so be it.

What does your husband say? These are his parents. Are you prepared to tell your husband's parents that they are no longer welcome in their son's home? I wouldn't presume to ever disrespect my husband or his parents that way.

I suggest you bring your concerns to your husband for a discussion and solution.

ETA: Okay, based upon your SWH, I would say it's time to put the relationship on "medium chill." I'd let them know that you know longer allow drinking in your home and let that marinate awhile. They likely won't even bring up the idea of a visit after that. Basically, be unavailable, boring, and don't commit to hosting visits anymore.

While I do agree that it's important to teach our kids how to respect our parents by modeling that behavior to them, I also think it's important to teach our kids how to set and maintian good boundaries when people are behaving inappropriately.

Your husband needs to handle this.

You don't explain to them they are no longer welcome because this isn't just your call. This is a call between you and your husband. Which you don't mention at all in your post. What are his feelings on this?

I agree with other posters about AlAnon is a must.

When you talk to your husband about this, separate the real problems from the things you find irritating.

Your MIL drinks all day, it's difficult to have conversations with them and you don't feel comfortable leaving them alone with the kids. Those are all actual problems/concerns.

Your MIL is obese. Well, that's not really something that's dangerous to you. It's certainly unhealthy for her, but I wouldn't mention that in a conversation with your husband.

"They plop themselves down in our living room and expect us to feed them and clean up after them." Well ... technically that's what house guests should be able to do. Now, I try to help with cooking and cleaning whenever I stay with friends and family. I absolutely clean up after my kids and at the very least take my own dishes to the sink, help clear the table, etc. But I don't expect that of my house guests. I want them to feel like guests, and to me that means that I do most of the work.

The other thing to keep in mind is that they are your children's grandparents, and they won't be around forever. I'm sure you want your children to know their grandparents and to have positive memories. Consider how you can make that happen and keep your sanity.

Then talk to your husband.

Get the kids busy - too busy for visits - and have your Hubby tell them that there's just no time for visits right now.
Also, it visits ever start up again - have them stay in a hotel and only visit/see them for a meal or only a few hours a day.
They can get as rip roaring drunk as they want at the hotel - it and their mess won't be your problem.

Additional:
No I don't think you HAVE to expose your kids to toxic people even if/just because they are relatives.
Stop inviting them.
Say the kids are older and in so many activities that you are running them left and right all the time and don't have time for visits.

I saw my uncle only a handful of times growing up - usually when he was sober but even if he started out that way (say at a family picnic), he never stayed sober.
He sure gave the family plenty to talk about.
Like the time he went on a binge, was running his car up the sidewalks and when the cops finally caught up with him it took 6 of them to hold him down and he spent 3 days in the hospital in a padded room while he went through the DTs.
Then there was the time he got drunk and left his 4 kids on the doorstep of the orphanage he spent time in as a child (it was closed down/abandoned at the time) and we got a call from the police (because one of the kids remembered my Mom and mentioned their Aunty) and the whole family farmed out and took in 1 kid each for a few days until their Mom could be found (she had gone to visit her Mom for a few days and had no idea what was going on).

It's not about giving of yourself and it's not about being kind, or getting to know them before they die.
It's about not exposing your kids to toxic people just because they happen to share DNA from their grandparents.
So just don't do it.

Whoa, I completely disagree with some of the advice here. There is no reason that you have to allow ANYONE to camp out on your couch for days drunk off their asses...family or not. If they are truly drunk and slurring their words, then yeah...not a good atmosphere for your children. They have no right to bring a bunch of alcohol in your house and get drunk. That is where I would draw the line. I also don't think that it is unreasonable for them to interact with your kids a bit.. whether that means that they read books with them or even watch a favorite kids show with them on TV.

I would also get frustrated with the idea that you had to spend several days waiting on them hand and foot. If that is the case, then your husband should be stepping in to help with that. Do their health issues really preclude them from doing anything to help when they are there? If so, then you should make some concessions for them...but your husband should also be stepping up to ease the burden on you. This is an irritation for sure, but probably not enough to cut them out of your life. The alcohol issue though would be enough for me to force some changes. Your husband needs to flat tell them that they cannot sneak alcohol in your house...period. You cannot control what they do when they are not in your house, but you CAN prohibit destructive behavior in your house in front of your kids.

Make it their choice. If they do not want to remain somewhat sober in your house, then they can make the choice to not visit.

I'm sure you can't do anything to make them stop drinking if they don't want to stop. But you and your husband do not have to allow them to bring alcohol into your home. You need to tell her husband how much this bothers you. If you and your husband can agree to make your home alcohol-free during visits, he should talk to his parents. He should gently confront them about the alcohol in the water bottles, and then tell them it will no longer be OK to bring alcohol into your home. Yes, he should go to Al-Anon for support in having this conversation with his parents if he's having trouble finding the words. If your MIL is struggling to have a coherent conversation, it's time for your husband to talk to his parents about getting her in to see a doctor. They may refuse, and I'm not sure there is much you can do if your husband isn't willing to press the issue. DH can express concern about their drinking and about their health. DH can tell them your family will travel a couple of times a year to visit them instead to ease the burden of travel on them. (and stay at a hotel). You in-laws may surprise you and be quick to jump on that plan, perhaps just so they don't have to give up their drinking habit. If not, I'd be willing to put up with the couch potato personality a few times per year. And I'd make it easy on myself by making simple foods, or ordering take-out. Some older people don't naturally interact with small children. I think you have to accept they aren't the same as your parents, and maybe offer to help provide board games, some art projects or things your kids and them can do together that don't require mobility on their part. Then fill other parts of the kids' days with other activities. If you keep comparing it to how it is when your parents visit, they're never going to measure up to your expectations, and you'll be resentful. I think you just have to accept they are different people with different capabilities.

What Suz said times 10.

With an added huge dollop of "This is your husband's job, not yours" plus "What does HE think here?"

These are his parents. If he wants to see them, please accommodate that. Of course you need to set boundaries as well. I strongly recommend putting them up in a nearby hotel and presenting it to them as a treat for them. Limit the length of the visit. Plan some specific outings, too, so that there is not much "sitting around the house" time and also so they can interact with your kids in some structured way; some older adults (alcoholic or not) aren't great at knowing how to play with or talk with younger kids, so taking everyone somewhere to do something together, even just a family movie, can ease that tension.

Never leave your kids with them -- of course you can't. Does your husband get that or does he expect that you and he go out when his parents are there? If he thinks having the parents there means they babysit he needs to know that you are not comfortable with leaving the kids with them.

Does your husband acknowledge that they are alcoholics?

Does he agree that his mother drinks throughout the day?

Does he want them to visit, and he doesn't get your objections? Or does he feel they invite themselves and he's torn about it?

In other words -- you and he need to have a very tough and detailed talk if you have not already. He, not you, has to come to terms with it if his parents are alcoholics. He may be aware of it entirely but still want to see them -- just because they are alcoholics does not mean he must cut himself off and just because they are alcoholics does not mean they are bad humans or were horrible parents to him. He may feel, more than you do, that they are not going to be around long and he's willing to put up with the stress because he will regret it if he just rejects them. You see people who are sneaking drinks and making messes in your house and not trying to be close to their grandkids, but he may see the parents who raised him and were good to him and were good folks once.

I would encourage him to go visit them on his own, wherever they live, which gives him much more time to focus just on them (no wife and kids to think about) and that might be a big help to them and a way for him to better assess how they really are doing in terms of health, weight and drinking habits. I do stress that I would encourage him - not tell him "You have to go to see them because I won't welcome them here ever again." That statement would make this about you. Make it about THEM and their needs as they get older and his having a chance to spend real, uninterrupted time with them (if he wants to do so).

As Suz notes, they are not going to be around forever. Maybe they won't ever have a terrific, close relationship with your kids, and that rankles with you. But this isn't about you or the kids as much as it is about him as a son. So what does he want and need here, and can you focus on that?

I hear you.

I would go to their house 1-2x per year and stay in a hotel/rent your own car, etc. That way you can come and go as you please.

What is your husband's opinion. They are, after all his parents. If he is on board, than let him talk to his parents.

If not, tell your in-laws that you have made you house alcohol free for the immediate future (both in containers and in people) and you look forward to seeing them when they can meet that requirement. Chances are, you won't be seeing them.

You let it go on too long. Once you had kids, you should have stopped allowing the drinking during visits. Alcohol in water bottles and incoherency? That could be lethal with children.

Your inlaws don't get to have a relationship with the children if they are drinking. It's just that simple.

I feel sorry for your husband that he has lost love for his parents. But all the drinking they do is surely the deep down cause.

HE has to be the one who tells them no to coming. It will be hard, but it's necessary. If they show up on your doorstep, I guess I'd pack my bags and go somewhere else if it were me. Either that, or they don't drink ANYTHING at your house.

I also would not want chronically-drunk house guests two or three times a year for several days (you don't say how long they stay). However, there has to be a middle ground between that and never having them visit (or not seeing them at all). I agree with the voices saying that you and your husband need to talk through the options for how to change the format of the visits. While you may not feel it now, in the future (once your in-laws have died), it will be important that your husband, your kids, and maybe even you have spent time with them. Perhaps you two can figure out some options for changing the way you do the visits so as to minimize the stress on you and your family while allowing for the best possible interactions? You visit them a couple times a year and stay in a hotel or they stay in a hotel when they visit you seem like the top ones, however you two know your situations best.

Al-Anon may be useful for your husband and for you, since you folk will need to deal with the ravages of this disease and its effects on your husband regardless of what happens with visits. Anyway, good luck!

ETA: What Mel R. said. She said the kind of thing I was thinking, but didn't type. Reread her post several times and consider her suggestions.

I tend to lean on being kind and giving. They will never change they've been coming and hypes and will have a lot of guilt and resentment if he tells them they are not welcome would u rather have him have resentment and regret after? So u wait on them for a few days. Do they do that for u if u went to visit them? You can't compare to your family. Perhaps they are toxic but they want to be around their grandson and son as it makes them happy and they do not know how to not be toxic. Do your kids love them? I had an uncle that was an alcoholic everyone loved him was he different than others in my family yes but he had a disease and he never hurt anyone. Would he get help no, and he died of liver, lung cancer stage 4 rapidly. He touched so many people in his life regardless of his disease. It's sad and we are all not dealt with the perfect family. Yes we choose our friends and some family we can tolerate more. You will hurt the kids these are still their grandparents and agree you should be a good role model and try to do the best yo bite your tongue and show them kindness. They are alcoholics for a resin and now it's too late to change I'm sure. At least for them it would be. If they were someone else would u show this kind of disrespect or try to help. While I agree to not allow toxic people in our lives or wear us down I don't agree in not being there for them for the little time they visit. Your kids will learn from their own environment that you raise them in what is toxic and what's not. By sheltering them from it is only adding to the problem.

I think you can say no more drinking in your house and see how they react. Maybe that will solve things for a while. I'd also just not invite for a while if your husband doesn't care. In their 70's is not that old. I'd be irritated waiting on people like that too. My MIL was in fine health and so unhelpful when our kids were young and so needy that I grew to really dislike her. I was working FT, primary breadwinner too so not like her son was supporting me. Best thing to do I think is let your husband wait on them if he chooses. Now if my MIL visits which is rare, I make a nice dinner when she arrives and am hospitable but leave work to my husband. She's his mother. Like yours, my parents are super helpful etc. However, they are really old now so they can't entertain the kids either. That I think is expecting too much. Your inlaws are young enough that it could be expected but I'd let that go. They're not mandatory babysitters. It'd be nice but... Who usually extends the invitation? I'd leave this all to your husband. If you speak on the phone, refer them to him. If he wants to host them, he should be allowed but again, let him do most of the work. And/or order food to be delivered, put cold cereal out etc. I have a high standard for how guests should be treated but have also learned to adjust those standards depending on the guests. ie: they never treat me well when I visit, well they can expect the same from me... Or they're horrible house guests, not going to get the royal treatment anymore...

You are absolutely right that your children should not be left with them under any circumstances. If they are inappropriate in their talk your children should not be left in the room alone with them.

How is it that they are drinking in your home? You can eliminate (or lock up in a closet) any alcohol when they visit. If they ask, you just say, "Sorry, all out" or "We don't have alcohol in the house anymore." That leaves the problem of them bringing in their own, either when they arrive or by going out to buy some. Does that happen? My neighbor's father-in-law is an alcoholic, and they do not have anything in the house when he visits, and they don't take the inlaws along to any neighborhood functions. They don't drive the father-in-law downtown to buy anything either.

If they are bringing it in with their luggage, then your husband has to step up on behalf of your children and say no.

I think they can expect to be fed and cleaned up after - that's not unusual for a lot of elderly grandparents. It's the drinking that's the problem. If Grandma has nothing to do with the kids, so be it. Go on with your lives, their activities, etc.

Yes, you can meet in public places like a restaurant, but that leaves you in the position of allowing excessive drinking followed by their driving home. I'm not sure you want to be a party to that.

If you want to visit them in their home, they're going to drink but they will be in the home and not driving. You have to stay in a hotel though, so you can take your children out of there when it starts to look or sound ugly. Are there other things to do in that town or area? You could make it a family vacation, stop in for a few hours upon arrival and before departure.

As for visits to your home, how do those come about? Do you invite? Does your husband? Do they invite themselves and just tell you when they are showing up, and you both say "okay"? It's time to revisit that.

I agree to get help and strategies and ways to set boundaries by attending Al-Anon. The older your children get, the more aware they are going to be of their grandparents' behavior, and it will be their mental image of how to be a grandparent as well as how to manage alcohol and idle time. You really don't want that. But this has to fall squarely on your husband's shoulders for implementation.

Find them a hotel in which to stay and say, I thought you'd like to have your own privacy and too, tell them it works best for you. That is what I will have to do with my aunt the next time she wants to visit, while not an alcoholic, her boyfriend is very childlike and his behavior becomes draining after a time... so next time, I am suggesting hotels.. that said, I go to alanon.. which for a family who has alcoholics in it , whether current or from previous generations, there are specific behaviors that can get passed along, even if you don't drink.. such as... being co-dependent and enabling... like many households, it's usually the opposite spouse trying to deal with the person's alcoholic family.. it should be your husband suggesting the parents stay somewhere else.. in alanon, you learn how to approach these situations and discover that although you may not drink, you might find yourself being a co-dependent and feeling like a doormat when around those who do ... try a meeting.. there are people there who share in your experience , myself included and who can relate to you... since going to Al-anon, I have discovered that although I myself don't drink, but seldom, I was a huge co-dependent and enabler... for years, I allowed people to walk all over me and had built huge resentments. additionally, I allowed my husband to deal with my alcoholic family and while the support is nice, it's really not his job to do it.... often the spouse does the dirty work.. I didn't feel good about that and still don't.. with his support, I am trying to confront my own battles... it's scary... but it's something that I've needed to do for years... it's meant confronting people and that doesn't feel good... but again, my husband can't fight all my battles.. same for you... maybe your husband can confront his parents... you can support him, but it may be time for him to find new ways to deal with things.. going to alanon could be the start of something good... the parents are 70.. which means they have ruled the roost for too long.. take back your power as can your husband.. go to an alanon and find new ways to support each other.. even the kids will benefit..